Come To Me (Owned Book 3)

by Gebhard, Mary Catherine

  “I would go days without eating. I survived on flour and water, on paper some days, but mostly on whatever I found in the trash. Mom only cleaned up her act when the welfare ladies stopped by. Of course I didn’t know what that was back then. I was just happy to get a bath and some food.” It was flowing out of the box, out of my brain, into the air, and disappearing.

  “The only reason anyone found out about me was because of the fire. One day she got so high she forgot about the stove. She was cooking popcorn, a rare treat for me, and smoke started filling the house. I tried to wake her but she was passed out. I tried to drag her but she wouldn’t budge. It turned out she was dead. A neighbor saw the smoke and called the fire department.” I could feel Lenny next to me, waiting for her cue to do something, but at the moment all I needed was to finish the exorcism.

  “I might have had to go back if not for the fact that she overdosed. Instead I went to the Walls, which was okay at first.” I stopped for a moment, thinking back to the day I’d arrived on the Wall’s front porch. Mr. Wall was a racist son of a bitch, but in the beginning he put a roof over my head and kept me fed. That was more than I’d ever known. I think maybe all the drinking fucked his liver and made him delusional.

  I don’t know. I’d shoved all the bad shit into the same box as the good, so it got mixed together. Maybe Mr. Wall was good once, maybe my birth mom was good once, but they all got shoved into the same, shitty box and I couldn’t recall. Now that the box was open, perhaps a little light could shine in.

  Lenny reached another hand toward me. “Vic—”

  “I’m going to go get some popcorn.” I cut Lenny off and stood up. It was the first time in years I’d spoken about what had happened to me. I wasn’t ready for waterworks or pity, or whatever brand of sympathy she had prepared for me.

  I’d survived. I was living. That was enough.

  I made a detour into the bathroom, grabbing a tissue. I needed something to ball up and crush, something to destroy, since I was trying to stop punching walls. You know, evolving and shit. Staring into the mirror, I was comforted by the fact that my outward appearance remained unchanged.

  As I threw away the tissue, something caught my eye. At first I dismissed it, but alarm bells rung in my head, the sound eerily like sailors screaming. I could practically feel the boat crash beneath my feet. Wood planks splintered, ice chipped my cheeks, and water filled my soles.

  Bending over, I brushed aside the refuse. It was fucking gross going through my trash, but I had to know if what I saw was true.

  “Fuck…” I pulled the stick out, stunned. In my hand was a positive pregnancy test.

  I held the pregnancy test in the air.

  “What the fuck…” I turned the stick in my fingers, staring at it like it was an alien limb. I knew it was covered in pee and I should’ve probably tossed the thing back in the trash, but shit… It was definitely positive. Which meant Lenny was definitely pregnant.

  “Vic?” Lenny called through the door. “Are you alive? I want to start the movie.” I stared at the door. On the other side she sat, waiting for me to come and watch a movie. A fucking movie. I looked from the door and back to the stick. How could she have kept this from me? It was a positive pregnancy test. It declared that she was pregnant with our child.

  There was a knock on the wood and then Lenny’s voice followed. “Vic? Are you okay?”

  “Shit.” I stuffed the test far back in the drawer and opened the door. “Everything’s fine.”

  “You look weird,” she said, cocking her head.

  “Thanks,” I mumbled, brushing past her. Once again, I thought about all of my training. Trained to lie, trained to hide my emotions, I’d been trained for anything. When it came to Lenny, though, I was practically a newborn.

  Newborn.

  The word blasted through my head like a loose ping pong ball. She was having a baby—our baby—and she wouldn’t tell me. Sitting on the edge of our bed, I nearly put my head in my hands—then Lenny placed her palm on my shoulder.

  “Look,” Lenny said when I jumped at her touch. “We don’t have to watch this movie. We can watch Aliens if you want. I know that’s your favorite movie. I promise I won’t make any stupid commentary this time.” I thought about the stick in the drawer, the goddamn alien limb.

  “No…” I scooted back against the bed. “No, we can watch your bullshit musical.”

  Lenny tilted her head and scrunched her eyes at my response, but started the movie anyway. Music filled the room and I was glad for that, not because it was good—no, it was pretty fucking awful—but because she wasn’t watching me. The fucking test felt like it was burning a hole into my gray matter.

  Pregnant with our child.

  When Lenny left to go make the popcorn I’d never gotten to, I swiftly texted Grace: I need to see you. Grace and I had started texting more, had started getting to know each other or some shit. It was easier to talk with the screen between us. A few seconds later she responded with, Is everything alright?

  I’ll tell you when I see you, I quickly replied. Are you free for lunch tomorrow?

  I’m working. Can it wait? Could it wait? Yes. Did I want it to wait? No. I stared at Grace’s words on the screen. Lenny’s shadow moved about in the hallway. I had seconds before she returned.

  Yes, I punched out. When are you free?

  I can meet you after work, around four.

  “Who are you texting?” Lenny asked, sitting back down, popcorn in hand.

  “Grace.” I quickly shoved my phone away, as if I was the one with the secret. Old habits, I guess.

  “I think it’s nice that you two are getting to know each other.” Her words were innocuous, but they hit me in the chest. It wasn’t going to happen overnight, but I thought we were making an attempt to get to know each other—really know each other. Yet tucked away in the drawer was a stick that proved otherwise.

  Grace and I talked in the same café where only months ago Alice had made me watch Lenny through her phone. It seemed to be where we ate all of our meals and did all of our serious thinking. There were other places to eat in Santa Barbara, probably other places to ponder too, but none of them had better fries.

  Also, Lenny was right about not being able to go back to a restaurant after you get come on their seats. No matter how much you pay them, they still won’t let you back through the doors. Still, it was worth it to fuck her in that bathroom.

  “I thought we’d moved past all of this,” I said to Grace. Earlier that morning Lenny had gotten up for work, kissed me, and said nothing—fucking nothing about the baby. It was literally a lie between us as we hugged, and she said nothing.

  Grace sighed and reached for a fry. “You faked your death. That isn’t somethin’ a few conversations can fix.”

  “It’s been over a month since we…” I struggled to find the right words for what Lenny and I had done. Had we moved on? Not really, not in the eyes of most therapists, sane persons, or the otherwise mentally intact. But we’d, well… “We’ve been doing well. I guess I just thought we were moving forward.”

  “You are,” Grace insisted. “For someone as smart as you, you can be real dense, ya know?” I ignored the jab; call it a perk of being my sibling.

  “So what, I just wait until she’s about to pop before I bring it up?” Or, shit, maybe she was planning on terminating it. I stabbed my steak at the thought. It was her body and her choice, and all that shit. Still, if she did decide that, I would have liked to be there with her.

  The thought of her going to a clinic without me had me stabbing my steak again.

  “No…” Grace sighed again. “You keep showing her that you’re gonna be there. You provide comfort. You provide a situation in which she feels like she can talk to you.”

  “Yeah.” That sounded good, like something a counselor would say. Lenny and I never really got along with our counselor though. I glared out at the ocean, suddenly hating how deep it was.

  “Are you listening to
me?” Annoyance tinged Grace’s voice.

  “Yeah.” I was listening to her, I just didn’t particularly like what she was saying.

  “Don’t push it Vic,” Grace warned. “If you push this, you might lose her forever this time.” I looked away from the ocean and back to Grace. Lenny had once said that even though we were adopted, she could see the similarities between us starker than day. I couldn’t see it physically: her dark hair framed even darker eyes and a drastically pale face accentuated by a few freckles. I was Japanese, and that shit didn’t come with freckles or a pale face. If I really thought about it though, I guess I could see it in the eyes. She was pinning me with those eyes, almost begging me to argue.

  I acknowledged her warning with a shrug, leaning across the table to steal one of her fries.

  Grace and I finished our meal and I went home immediately after. My head was swirling with everything she’d said. I wanted to confront Lenny. I wanted to get our shit out in the open, but I really did believe Grace was right.

  Lenny and I had a fucked up history. In general, we were pretty fucked. On paper, nothing was right. Sometimes off paper nothing was right. As a couple, we shouldn’t have worked. For some reason, though, we did, and I wanted us to keep working. That meant putting aside selfish shit like my emotions and focusing on Lenny.

  Who was having my baby.

  Another thing I would have to focus on, who would rely solely on me.

  Fuck.

  As I drove along the coast, I let my mind wander to the future. Would it be a boy, or a girl? Little blue boots or little pink ones—which Lenny would put on the gender you wouldn’t expect. If we had a boy, she wouldn’t mind him wearing dresses. If we had a girl, she’d make sure that little girl grew up empowered. It would be nothing like the homes we’d grown up in.

  “Romeo!” I shouted.

  “Ophelia!” she said.

  I turned into our driveway, powered off the car, and walked up the steps to our house. A boy, a girl, or would it be nothing? That was also a possibility, and probably the best one. I was technically dead, and technically dead people shouldn’t be raising children.

  Lenny, however, had been doing phenomenally. She was taking her meds, but more than that, she was trying. She’d found a therapist she liked, listened to what the woman had to say, and went to group therapy. Also, every week she continued to drive out to some bumfuck city in central California to get meds for that kid I’d scared half to death.

  She could do it. She could really be a mom.

  If you push this, you might lose her forever this time.

  I paused just in front of the door. Lenny had been teaching me not to keep boxes in my head and to get shit out in the open. If I got this out, though, I might lose her. Fucking paradox is what that is. While I was outside the door, wondering what the fuck I was going to do and how I was going to take Grace’s advice, I heard a scream.

  “Lenny?” I ran into the house, not bothering to shut the door behind me. There was no reply. “Lennox!” I took the stairs three at a time until I was in the bedroom. Lenny was naked, staring at herself. I blinked three times before going through the routine. I pulled down the drapes, I kicked over the mattress, but I couldn’t find anything.

  “What?” I said, surveying the room, gun out. “What the fuck is going on? Are you all right?”

  “I’m fine,” she said, waving me off. “Except that none of my fucking clothes fit me any more.”

  “Are you kidding?” I said, stepping away from the window. “That’s why you screamed?” Fuck. I was never going to get used to her. Before I met Lenny I could examine a situation heart rate steady, breathing calm, with my gun cocked like it was just another appendage. Any goddamn time I heard Lenny scream like that, it was like she short-circuited my wiring.

  I trailed my eyes down her naked body once more to be sure she was fine and then holstered my weapon. Taking a deep, soothing breath, I leaned against the wall. The bedroom was a disaster now, but I could see by the clothes scattered around Lenny and over the lamps, I’d only sped up the process she’d started.

  “You’d be pissed too if you were gaining weight for no goddamn reason.” Lenny took a pair of jeans and threw them at the mirror. “What the fuck is happening to me?” I ran fingers through my hair, not sure what to say. Once again I got the feeling that I was in a minefield. “I guess I’m going to have to start portioning my food. I’ll need to cut out carbs or something. Or just drink juice for a year. Fuck.”

  I stared at her, a blank expression on my face. Was she fucking serious? Was she really so distrusting of me that she was going to pretend the reason she was gaining weight was food related?

  “Whatever, Lenny.” Putting a finger to my temple and kicking off the wall, I stepped over the various clothes now completely smothering the floor.

  If you push this, you might lose her forever this time.

  I was nearly in the hall when Grace’s words echoed in my head. I needed to make a space in which she felt comfortable enough to share. Leaving her alone wasn’t gonna cut it. I turned back to the room expecting a firefight, but Lenny was sitting on the frame of the bed, tears in her eyes.

  “Lenny?” Gingerly, I stepped back into the room.

  “I just don’t understand what’s happening…” She put her head in her hands. “I feel like shit. I’m tired all the time and I’m gaining weight. Is that cancer? Does cancer do that to you? I thought cancer made you lose weight. Isn’t that, like, its only benefit?”

  I sat down beside her and said the first thing that came to my head. “You’re beautiful, Lennox.”

  “You have to say that,” she muttered through her fingers.

  “I absolutely do not have to say that. If you were ugly, I would tell you.”

  “You’re an ass, but I trust you.” Lennox laughed. Some of the tension she was holding released, and she relaxed her head onto my shoulder. I held her there, not counting the time. Still, I wondered. When would she really trust me?

  I ripped the test out of her hand and she stumbled back to the center of the bathroom.

  “Why do you have a positive pregnancy test?” Lenny yelled, undeterred. “And tucked away in the toothpaste drawer no less!” She gestured to the agape drawer.

  “Are you serious?” I honestly couldn’t fathom what was happening. I’d gone over the scenarios in my head, imagining how it would happen. Worst case I was screaming, smashing things, and cursing her for not telling me sooner. In the best we came together peacefully.

  Never did I imagine this, a scenario where she was mad at me for having found out.

  A few days had passed since my conversation with Grace and I’d taken her advice to heart. I really was trying. I’d created a comfortable space, given Lenny her own, and, yeah, occasionally hinted at the idea of babies.

  Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to insist we watch Knocked Up every night, but it was the best I could do. I was losing my mind acting like I didn’t know. Earlier that night I’d suggested we play poker because if I had to watch Seth Rogan and Katherine Heigl fuck one more time, I really would go insane. At the same time, I couldn’t keep ignoring the elephant in her uterus.

  So we sat beneath a sky the chilly gray color of twilight, playing poker around a table brushed with sand from the morning’s storm. It wasn’t for money, but for fun. The sunset cast the sea on fire, but it was still peaceful. It was quiet.

  Then came Lenny’s scream.

  “What the hell is this?”

  “Sounds like Lenny is havin’ a good time in the bathroom,” Eli mused. “I call.”

  “I’ll go check on her.” I set down my cards, putting the chips on top so the breeze didn’t blow them away. When I stepped through the french doors, the conversation outside drifted in with the wind.

  “Is this the only game he has planned?” Zoe asked.

  “Be more obvious that you want to play charades.” Grace laughed.

  “Well if he doesn’t have any planned…” I
turned down the hallway and their voices faded away.

  Over the past week Grace had been my lifeguard. When I felt like I was drowning, she’d pulled me back up. It was helping build a relationship that a broken home had torn down, but at what cost?

  Lenny had had morning sickness the past week. She’d played it off as the flu. I wanted to be there for her. I wanted to prove that I could handle it. I had to keep reminding myself that the way to do that was to give her space. Some days that was harder than others, but Grace was there to help.

  “Lenny?” I rapped on the bathroom door. “Lenny are you alright?” The door flew open and Lenny shoved something in my face at the same time. “What the hell?” I tried to see what the object was, but she was waving it too quickly.

  “Why do you have this?” She exclaimed. I clutched her wrists in my hand, stopping her frantic waving. When she calmed, I pulled her close so I could see the thing she clasped. Imagine my surprise when it was the pregnancy test that had been beating beneath the floorboards all goddamn week.

  Now, I stared at her dumbly as the cogs in my brain tried to rework what was happening.

  “I’m trying to be really above it all here, Vic.” Lenny exhaled, fingering the knots in her hair. “I know—I do—that there is no way you would cheat on me. So, I have to think that maybe you’re keeping it for Grace or something…” She grimaced. “So then all I have to say is… The toothpaste drawer? Seriously, what the fuck, Vic? I was using toothpaste from there for like a week and it was covered in pee that entire time.”

  “That’s why you’re mad?” The disbelief had to have been dripping off my tongue.

  “Yeah, dude.” Lenny scoffed. “Pee and toothpaste don’t mix. It’s right up there with orange juice.”

  “Are you fucking me right now?” My voice was low, quiet. I kept my eyes trained on the open drawer, trying desperately to reign in my emotions. Frustration churned in my gut. I wanted to punch the mirror just to watch it shatter. I felt like I was being transported back in time. Were we doomed to ride the vicious cycle? Glass would always break, there would always be lies between us, no matter the date on the calendar.