Confusion: (a love story)

  “Too true.” I manage to hold my smile as I stand and walk toward the front door. I place my hand on the doorknob and turn to them. “So let me make a suggestion that will save us all a lot of time. Why don’t you start with one of those women and leave me be.” I’m disappointed to hear the hurt in my voice as I finish the sentence. I don’t want him to know that he has hurt me but I can tell by the look in his eyes that he knows. He looks like he is in pain and he is suddenly very serious.

  “Jackson, I hope you will accept my offer to double our original salary and I want to be clear that while I am paying you, Ms. Scott will be your employer. You will do as she asks and keep her well informed of your thoughts and any concerns you have. Is that acceptable to you?”

  Aubrey looks at Nathan and nods in agreement and then looks at me questioning like he is trying to figure out if this is truly what I want. I just stare back because for a moment I have no idea what I want.

  “Jackson, Eric, Isabella and I will meet you back at the suite in a while but for now we have a few things to discuss in private.”

  Aubrey looks at me for confirmation and I nod as they both head out the front door. Nathan locks the door behind them and my breath stops as he turns back to me. His eyes burn into me and I suddenly feel naked standing there in a t-shirt and panties.

  “You should get dressed.” His voice is low and ominous and I am sure that he can see that he is making me nervous. “We clearly have a few things to talk about and if I stay here with you dressed like that then we won’t be doing any talking.”

  I decide that for once I will do what I am told and head to my bedroom and slip on some jeans, socks and shoes. I decide to change out of his t-shirt and put it in my dresser in case he gets any ideas to take it back. It is mine now.

  When I head back to the kitchen I am surprised to see him pouring coffee into my thermos and putting it along with some fruit, cheese and bread into the basket from on top of my cabinet.

  “Make yourself at home.” I tilt my head at him in confusion but he just gives me a smile and takes my hand before pulling me out the door. “Where are we going?”

  “I told you, we need to talk. If we are going to talk, I need you in public where I can’t get distracted.”

  Chapter 13

  He passes his car and walks with me deeper into the neighborhood behind my house. After a few streets he turns onto a path and for a minute I think we are headed into someone’s yard. But there is a small plaque indicating that a family has turned the space into a park in memory of their child. There is a small pond to the left with flowers surrounding it and a gentle hill ahead that is bathed in the morning sunlight. He spreads out the throw blanket that he took from my couch and sets the basket down gently.

  He steals my next breath as he leans in for a kiss that is filled with emotion. I can feel my body respond immediately and I wonder for a minute if this place is public enough to keep our hands off each other. Nathan pulls back and sits on the blanket, pulling me down beside him.

  He is quiet and serious as he unpacks the basket and hands me a cup of coffee. He takes a sip of his own and then settles his gaze on me. I start to squirm a little under his stare.

  “Sex is not a bargaining chip Isabella.” He pauses for a moment as I struggle to conceal my confusion and surprise. I was planning on talking about security teams. Where is going with this? “Making love to you is not some casual thing for me. Your body belongs to me wholly and completely and mine to you. I respect that connection too much to use it to make you jealous, to use it as a tool in negotiation, or to trade for something else. Sex is not a weapon. With you it is sacred. And I expect you to treat it as such.”

  I can feel the heat wash through my body and I feel chastised. He is right of course. I purposely misled him about Aubrey to knock him off balance and made a conscious choice to make my fight this morning in a t-shirt in panties because I knew that it would weaken Eric and Aubrey. But I’m not the only one who has been using my body to my advantage.

  “What about you? You have used sex to distract me and to keep me at your place when you knew I was mad. Why is that OK?”

  “Yes, I have offered you my body as a distraction and offered you a choice between pleasure and being angry. But those offers were never conditional. You can have me anytime, Isabella. All you have to do is ask.”

  I contemplate him for a minute. This is his very explicit version of the I don’t want to play games conversation. I’m embarrassed to realize that it is exactly what I have been doing. I’m not usually one to play games. I think my insecurity and inability to predict Nathan have gotten the best of me.

  “Nathan, I feel incredible when I am with you. And I agree that I don’t want to do anything to cheapen that. Sex is not a bargaining chip.” He nods at we sit for a moment just watching each other.

  “I guess while we are setting parameters,” I decide to draw my own line, “The other women in your life are not a bargaining chip either.” He tilts his head and looks at me thoughtfully but it is clear he needs more. “I have seen the kind of women you date and I am not interested in having them thrown in my face. If I were stronger I might be able to walk away and save myself some heartache, but I can’t seem to say no. We may just have a summer...”

  Nathan visibly flinches at the comment and I realize that I am being presumptuous about having him for the summer. It flusters me a little and I try to back track. “...at the most, but I’m not going to spend the summer competing. You are either in or your out, and if you are in then I don’t want to hear about how much easier, or cooperative, or appreciative other women are. Easy isn’t generally an adjective applied to me and that is unlikely to change.”

  “Easy no, but in certain situations you can me extremely cooperative, and that body of yours is nothing if not appreciative.” I can’t help but smile a little but I’m worried that he isn’t taking me seriously. “I wasn’t trying to make you jealous Isabella and I won’t do it again. I’m honestly just trying to figure you out. I’ve never been in a relationship with someone who is so dead set on making that relationship temporary and keeping me at arm’s length.”

  “I’m not making our relationship temporary, I’m just being realistic. You are here for the summer, remember? And I’m not keeping you at arm’s length; I’m trying to keep Eric out of my underwear drawer.”

  His throaty laugh catches me off guard and warms a spot deep in my belly. He leans over and stretches out on the blanket and watches me as I take in the sight of him. He looks annoyingly relaxed and the sight of his lean body leaves me anything but. I feel my breath quicken and realize that I am biting my lower lip. His rogue smile weakens my last defenses and I look around the small park to decide how public this place actually is.

  “We are here to talk remember?” His voice is low and rumbly and I feel my insides tighten. “But if you keep looking at me like that I may need to drag you back to the suite. But I think we still have a few things to discuss, yes?”

  I nod my head reluctantly.

  “You constantly surprise me Isabella and the fact that you can make me laugh like that is just one of the reasons why I may have to reconsider my plans for the fall.” He pauses long enough for the meaning of his words to sink in. I know I should be excited at the possibility but there is part of me that is just scared. The fact that his stay is temporary allows me to prepare myself for his inevitable departure. I don’t want to hope that he could truly be mine because I already know that it is going to rip my heart out if, when, he leaves. I see a flicker of uncertainty in his eyes at my subdued response but he continues.

  “And I couldn’t agree with you more about keeping Eric out of your underwear drawer.” The smile returns to his lips for a moment and then fades into a look much more serious. “I was being cautious and I didn’t mean to violate your privacy. Eric is a professional and I assure you that he is always discrete and respectful but you are right that I should have asked you first. I was simply responding to
the data on hand.”

  “And what data is that?” I ask nervously. His sigh and clear reluctance to answer is not reassuring.

  “Someone was in your apartment that morning.”

  “I think we already knew that. And I still don’t know why you don’t believe that it was Christopher.”

  “Well, the apartment was clean for fingerprints, but there was a shoe print on your dresser.”

  “You dusted for prints?” I have a hard time holding my jaw closed.

  “Eric is nothing if not thorough. And the shoe print was from a man’s shoe, size 12.”

  “And Christopher wears a 10.5.” He nods and watches me as my brain tries to comprehend what he is telling me.

  “So you think there was a man in my bedroom standing on my dresser?” It just doesn’t make sense. “Why on Earth would someone be standing on my dresser?”

  Another deep sigh from Nathan. “Eric believes it may have something to do with the bug that was taped to the back of your mirror.”

  I lose the battle with my jaw and just stare at him open mouthed. He suddenly looks very uncomfortable. The idea of bugs in my house isn’t completely new to me. Growing up it was regular practice for there to be a sweep of the house. My father and his men needed to know that their conversations were private to do their job. But they never actually told me if they found something. I never really paid attention. It was just a normal part of being my father’s daughter.

  But this isn’t my father’s house we are talking about. This is my apartment. This is my bedroom. The things they would have heard.

  It sure puts Eric grabbing a couple of spare underwear from my drawer in perspective.

  “Someone put a bug in my bedroom?”

  “It appears they didn’t want to miss something with the one in the lamp in your living room.” I can feel the blood start to drain from my face and Nathan sits up as if he is preparing to catch me when I faint. “The one in the lamp was dusty. We think it had been there for a while. I’m guessing Christopher took something when he left that got rid of the original bug in the bedroom and they were taking the opportunity to replace it.”

  “Who? Why?” My voice is shaky. “Tell me everything that you know.”

  “Unfortunately that is everything that I know. I’ve been trying to keep you covered just in case until we find out more but I didn’t want to scare you without knowing the answers to your questions. The bugs are pretty generic. Sophisticated, but generic enough to give us no clues as to where they came from. Eric and I have been through every scenario of why. Nothing really makes sense. You know a lot of people but you don’t know any information.”

  Slowly I start to feel my father’s influence take over. I close my mouth and my breathing becomes slower. I stop panicking and start thinking through the past few weeks, trying to find any red flags. The problem is, there are too many. Too much happened in such a short time.

  Nathan eyes me warily. “Where are you going Isabella? And why do I suddenly feel like I am talking to a soldier rather than my girlfriend.”

  I flinch at the word girlfriend. Yep, too many red flags. My fiancé begins an affair and then leaves me for an intern. Grigori, who judging by the pictures is certainly someone to worry about, reappears and is suddenly much more interested. And Nathan.

  In a little over a week a handsome stranger sweeps in and can’t get enough of me. Nothing suspicious there.

  “How do you know Grigori and why don’t you like him?” Even I’m surprised at how cold my voice has gone.

  “He has a lot of powerful friends in Russia. There are those who think he is an arms dealer, there are those who think he is a spy, but pretty much everyone thinks he is dangerous.”

  “There are those who think you are an arms dealer. Forbes magazine for one.”

  “I’m a scientist.”

  “And he’s a scenic designer.”

  “But you and I are on the same side.”

  “Are we?”

  His look is serious with lips pressed into a thin line and his eyes have darkened to a deep navy. He is clearly not pleased with the turn that the conversation has taken. Right now, I have no interest in changing that. I am not sure what to trust. I am not sure who to trust.

  Actually, that isn’t true. I stand and pull my cell phone out of my pocket.

  “Aubrey. Meet me at the apartment and bring your boots. I’m in the mood for a little Cowboys and Indians.” I tuck my phone back in my pocket and give Nathan a long once over.

  “Have you told my father?”

  “No. I wanted to know more before we took it to him.”

  “Interesting. Well I’d appreciate it if you keep it that way or Aubrey won’t be the only Marine sleeping in my apartment tonight.”

  “Isabella, I am on your side.”

  “I want to believe you Nathan, I really do. But I need some time to think this through. You are right that I don’t have any information, but I sure do know a lot of people. Having a girlfriend who just happens to be a promising physicist and be connected to a lot of powerful men in the government and military might come in handy to a man like you. But I guess you already know that from dinner the other night.”

  I take a step back as he slowly brings himself to standing. I brace myself to run.

  “You may have the right idea, but you definitely have the wrong man.”

  “Of course. It’s got to be the Russian. Because it’s always the Russian right? But the incredibly charming and sexy man that just fell from the sky and inserted himself into my life, into my bed, pay no attention to that guy. That kind of thing happens all the time, right?”

  He starts to move slowly toward me with his arms a few inches to the sides and his palms facing front. He looks like he is approaching a horse that is about to spook. The sight is amusing enough that I am distracted as he closes the distance between us. I finally notice and start to turn.

  “Isabella wait. I know this is a lot to take in. But listen to your gut. You can trust me. You know you can.” He closes the distance and grabs me by the arms and pulls me close. “Listen to your gut.”

  His kiss is deep and insistent and I feel my body start to relax into him. My arms wrap around his back and I feel like I am holding on for my life. The anxiety about who he is and what he is doing seems to melt away, replaced by a want that moves like molten glass through my body.

  “I don’t think it’s my gut that is talking to me right now.” I manage to whisper as I pull my lips from his. I can feel the upturned corners of his lips as he moves his kisses across my jaw and down the side of my neck.

  I know that if I am going to maintain any sense of control I need to get away from him to think.

  “Nathan, please. I do trust you. I really do. But I can’t think right now and I really need to give my brain enough time to catch up with my body.” I push back slowly and look at his eyes. There is the usual look of certainty mixed with lust but there is also a hint of fear.

  “Just tell me what you want Isabella. Tell me what you want and it is yours.”

  “What I want right now is a week on a beach in Hawaii, but I have to be at work in the morning so I’ll settle for a few hours at the barn. Let me spend the afternoon with Aubrey and we will meet you back at the suite. Let’s go to dinner and have some wine. We can talk then.”

  He eyes me suspiciously and I can tell that he is uncertain if I really mean it or if I am just trying to get away.

  “I promise Nathan. Give me a few hours to think and I will meet you for dinner. I’m not promising anything beyond that or beyond tonight, but I will meet you for dinner and we will talk.”

  He pulls me tighter and I close my eyes and enjoy the warmth of his kiss. We both linger there, unsure if it will be the last. There is part of me that doesn’t care if he is some sort of crazy stalker, bugging my house and having me followed by an old friend. A kiss like this almost makes any sort of future nightmare worth it.

  The insanity of my own thought final
ly breaks through and I pull back. After a moment I even manage to open my eyes. I look up into his beautiful blue eyes and say a silent prayer of thanks for the time I have had with this man and for the feel of his touch. I end with a brief plea, please God don’t let it be him.

  Chapter 14

  “Cowboys and Indians, eh?” Aubrey asks as we tack up the horses at the barn. “Don’t you think you have a slight advantage seeing as I’ve never ridden here before?”

  “Funny, I thought you would have the advantage seeing as how you are supposed to be some sort of super Marine, tracker, sniper, special operations guy.” I ignore the warning look he gives me. “But don’t worry Aubrey, if you get lost just stay where you are and call for help and I will come rescue you.” He takes the opportunity to smack me on the butt with the reins of the bridal as he walks by.

  “Easy there, Is. Why don’t you tell me the rules for today and we will see who needs rescuing.”

  Aubrey is one of the men who I would convince to go riding with me back in North Carolina. On a good day I could talk a whole group of people to join us and we would play a game we called Cowboys and Indians. It’s basically hide and go seek on horseback. You give the other team time to hide and then once you find them you chase them down and tag them or their horse. It’s a game that has resulted in many aches and bruises as riders go crashing through the woods only to be knocked off by a low hanging branch or a horse that turns faster than they do.

  “Rules for the day: 1) You can’t go past the cross country course or upper field. You’ll know if it is out of bounds because you shouldn’t have to open any gates. 2) If you or your horse are tagged, you are out. 3) If your feet touch the ground you are out- doesn’t matter if you fall off or get off. 4) I’ll give you a 15 minute head start so that you can get the lay of the land. 5) If I don’t find you in 30 minutes, you win. But once I find you, I have as much time as it takes to catch you. 6) The pond just inside the gate is base but you have to be in the pond for it to count. Any questions?”