Confusion: (a love story)

by Catherine Curtis

  He holds my stare as he enters me again and I gasp. I am exhausted and sore and covered in sweat and I am not even the one who is doing all the work. I suddenly understand the expression of being fucked into submission.

  And there, looking into his eyes filled with desperation and determination, I understand what he is doing. I feel my body start to contract around his fullness and I know that he will not be done until I admit what he already knows.

  “It’s ours.” I manage to breathe out.

  “What’s ours?” Nathan’s voice is hoarse and broken and his vulnerability and emotion bring tears not just to my eyes but send them trailing down my cheeks. I never want to hurt this man again. I love him. I really do.

  “The bed, the house, this moment, the world if we want it. We can make it all ours. It’s all ours.”

  He leans down and kisses away my tears as his rhythm shifts. I bring my arms down and hold onto him as if my life depended on it. He wraps his arm under my back and pulls me close as the waves begin to roll through my body. His mouth covers mine as we both cry out and our bodies convulse against each other.

  We lay still, the weight of his body on mine, for a very long time. I know that we are both awake, and both afraid to move. Finally, Nathan shifts his weight to the side. Our skin is sticky with sweat and it feels like he has to peal himself off of me. The bed is damp underneath us.

  “We may need to change the sheets on our bed.” I try to break the silence with humor but from his look I can tell that it didn’t really work. He looks at me as if he is ashamed of his behavior. Apparently he is not the kind of man who generally fucks a women into submission.

  “Isabella--”

  “Shh. Nathan.” I place my finger over his lips and shake my head. I look him in the eyes and will him to see how sure I am. To see how much I want there to be an ours. “This is non-negotiable. I know you’re a begillionaire and all but that doesn’t mean that you are going to get out of domestic responsibilities. If our sheets need changed, you’re going to have to help.”

  It takes him about 3 seconds to figure out that I have purposefully misunderstood his distress about my comment. His smile is sweet and filled with affection. He kisses me softly and then joins in the charade.

  “Gosh, I don’t know. I’m not sure I can be expected to change my own sheets. We begillionaires don’t really do manual labor. Here, just lay still and I’ll call Eric to come change them.”

  He reaches over my naked body for his phone as I squeal out a no and grab him. He laughs and leans in for another kiss.

  “You win.” He says between kisses. “Let’s change the sheets and then try this shower thing again. I never made it to actually washing your hair.”

  After the shower we actually manage to make into PJs and settle into each other’s arms on our freshly made bed. He is running his finger through my damp hair as I rest my cheek on his chest. I sigh in contentment without even realizing it.

  “What are you thinking?” Nathan whispers and kisses my hair gently. I can tell he’s still nervous about pushing me earlier.

  “Not thinking. Just enjoying.” I whisper back. “I don’t know what I did to deserve this, to deserve you, but I love it. I’ve never been happier in my life.”

  He is still for a moment and I tilt my head so that I can see his face. He looks into my eyes as if he is trying to see if I am being serious. I can’t tell if I am scaring him with my intensity or if he doesn’t believe my sudden change in sentiment.

  “Really Nathan. You are wonderful. That doesn’t mean that I won’t panic at times about what is happening or how fast fate is throwing us together. But tonight I’m not worried about any of that and I’m not going to over think it. I’m just enjoying the warmth of your body and the feel of your skin against mine.”

  Nathan’s sigh as he wraps his arms around me and pulls me into his chest is the perfect answer. There will be plenty of time to talk about it tomorrow, tonight I just want to feel. Nathan’s power of confusion only kicks in when I try to think. There is no confusion at all about the way that I feel.

  Chapter 18

  The next morning, I wake up at 5:30am to an empty bed. It takes me a minute to remember where I am and why. But even that knowledge doesn’t explain why I am alone. I drag myself out of bed and wonder down stairs in my yoga pants and a tank top.

  I pause at the bottom of the stairs to take in the scenery. The kitchen is filled with beautiful men. OK, so only three beautiful men, but three is more than I am used to. Nathan and Aubrey are dressed like they are about to head out for a run and Eric is still in a pair of cotton pants and a t-shirt. I am assuming this is his version of PJs.

  They are drinking coffee and giving each other a hard time and their laughter and camaraderie only make them more beautiful to look at. Aubrey shifts his stance and I can tell that he has spotted me. Although he doesn’t say anything the other two notice and turn to find me spying. Luckily the doorbell rings before they can call me on it.

  I start to walk to the door but Nathan gives me a look that tells me very clearly that I am NOT to be opening any doors alone. He crosses the living room in several quick steps and pulls the door open after checking through the small window.

  James saunters in and I am amazed that my view of three beautiful men has changed to four. I am pretty sure that I actually have died and gone to heaven. All we need now is Grigori to show up and the picture will be complete.

  I mentally kick myself for even bringing Grigori into this. That would be a sure way to take this moment straight from heaven to hell. Even a house this big couldn’t contain all of that testosterone.

  James spots me at the bottom of the steps and I am pretty sure catches the lingering amusement in my eyes at my own thoughts. He heads directly toward me and before I know it I am in his arms in a hug and then graced with a large kiss on each of my cheeks.

  “Good morning Boss.” He takes my arm in his and leads me over to the kitchen. “I didn’t expect to see you here.” He eyes Aubrey suspiciously and then turns his attention back to Nathan. At no point does he loosen his arm to release me.

  “Boy Nathan, you don’t mess around when you decide you want to play house now do you?” Technically it is a question but it is crystal clear by James’ tone that it was more of an accusation. I’m confused at first but then I realize that he is worried about me. I look up into his startling blue eyes and it is me who he is asking a question. He wants to make sure that Nathan isn’t pressuring me into anything. He wants to make sure I’m not getting taken advantage of.

  I look over at Nathan who just looks uncomfortable and slightly guilty. I look at Aubrey who seems amused. I look at Eric who has mastered the art of seeming distracted and is currently cleaning the grinder of coffee beans. I turn my attention back to James.

  “I love you too, James.” I answer warmly and squeeze his arm gently. “Doesn’t everyone like a good game of house now and then? That’s actually why we asked you here this morning. Nathan is the Daddy, Eric is the baby brother, Aubrey here is playing the goldfish.” I pause while Aubrey chokes on his coffee.

  “So that makes you Mommy?” James asks somewhere between amused and concerned.

  “No actually, I’m the princess. We were hoping you would be the Mommy.”

  “I think it’s against the rules to be a princess when you are playing house.” James lifts and eyebrow at me. “Is this my punishment for accusing you of playing house?”

  “Despite her declaration of love, I can tell you haven’t played many games with Is if you don’t realize that she makes up her own rules. And believe me, if you were being punished by her you would know it.” Aubrey extends his hand to James which requires that he takes his arm from mine. I roll my eyes at him knowing that that was his intention all along.

  “James this is Jackson Aubrey. He is a longtime friend of mine and is in town for a while.” Aubrey shakes his hand and then settles in against the counter between the two of us. Suddenly Eric is
behind me and reaching for a mug in the cabinet which pushes me across the space and conveniently next to Nathan. Nathan wraps his arm possessively around my waist and I realize how efficient Aubrey and Eric were at getting me away from one man and into the arms of the other. I look at James and he clearly has noticed the same thing.

  “Present moment notwithstanding, I’m not being maneuvered into anything, James.” Aubrey and Eric have the decency to look sheepish and James just grins. “I’m not actually playing house, although there are several good and somewhat complicated reasons for me to stay here for a few days. I’ll tell you all about it sometime over a beer. I’m good.” I hold eye contact with him long enough to let him decide if he believes me or not.

  “OK princess,” He nods and moves across to my other side and wraps his arm back in mine. I decide I love him even more for his defiance. He leans in and gives me a conspiratorial whisper. “In that case, we should throw Nathan a housewarming party. I don’t know if you have noticed, but this place is awesome.”

  “Brilliant!” I turn to Nathan who just laughs and shakes his head at our excitement. I’m ready for him to tell me that we are being ridiculous but instead he says, “Sure. How about tonight? Why don’t you invite Eliana and Annette and tell them to bring a date if they want.” “Really?!”

  “Why not?” He answers. “It’s a great house. We might as well make it our own.” I know that he is reminding me that, despite what I said to James, he really does consider it ours. We may not be playing house, but it’s only because neither of us thinks this is playing.

  The other shocking part to me is that he just asked me to invite my friends. My friends. Christopher never once wanted to spend time with my friends; much less did he ever agree to have them over. I didn’t even have to ask and Nathan is bringing them into the circle. It only makes me love him more.

  “Great, I’ll send out the e-mails and figure out what we should make.” Nathan just looks confused about why I am suddenly looking at him like he is the god that he is.

  “Excellent.” James interrupts. “I think that’s our cue to head out for a little morning exercise.” He gives me another kiss on the cheek and heads for the door. “Come on boys,” He calls over his shoulder. “Mommas gotta run.”

  Eric just shakes his head as Aubrey and Nathan follow James out the door.

  By the time the boys make it back I have texted Eliana and Annette and have confirmed that they can both make it for dinner. Nathan and I make plans for the meal on the way into work. We decide to make it a casual Italian meal with lots of wine. Aubrey nods as Nathan volunteers the guys for cooking duty and leaves me in charge of salad and dessert. I’m a little dubious of the arrangement but he seems so sure I let it go.

  Work is busy with lots of work to finalize the grant before we submit. I catch Dr. Sandling watching me and Nathan separately, but especially when we are together. I try to be even more professional for her benefit but I am not sure if it is helping things or just making it more obvious that there is something going on. Finally, before I walk the latest copy of the grant over to the research office she pulls me into see her and sit down.

  “Hey Isabella. I know it’s been a hard few weeks but I can’t help but notice that you seem to be doing really well. I’m glad to see that you have landed on your feet.” Her comment is a statement but I can’t help but feel like I am supposed to respond. She almost never talks with me about personal matters so I’m a little unsure of how to proceed.

  I manage to squeak out what is clearly an uncomfortable reply. “Thanks. I’m just trying to stay focused on work and stuff.”

  She pauses for a few moments and just watches me. I can feel the sweat start to gather on my neck.

  “So, I don’t know if I have ever told you about my friend William.” She turns and stares out the window and it is clear that this will take a little while so I settle into one of the chairs across her desk. “William was a post doc with me at the laboratory in Scotland during my postdoc. Brilliant guy really, and fun.” She turns to look at me again and I can tell she is trying to tell me something. “We spent so much time talking and laughing that summer, I thought I had found my soul mate.” As she turns again to the window I think for a moment I see a tear in her eye.

  “Funny thing about soul mates, though, is that sometimes it’s a little too much. Sometimes there is too much intensity. Both people separately may be amazing, but the combination is overwhelming and just breeds confusion. Sometimes the combination sends the cosmos off kilter and things spin out of control.”

  I wait for her to go on, to explain what she is saying and why, but she just sits there and watches the breeze in the tree tops.

  “What happened to William?” I finally ask.

  “Oh he is doing well. He is at Berkley and I talk with him frequently. We still work together occasionally and he is a wonderful and dear friend to me. We are able to be there for each other in a way that we never would have been able to be there if we had tried to have a real relationship. Sometimes, soul mates aren’t really meant to be together. Sometimes, the timing isn’t right.”

  We sit there for another minute in silence as I try to figure out what to say or how to react. She is clearly trying to give me a warning. About Nathan? Soul Mates? Does she know something that I don’t or is she just worried about an office romance?

  A knock at the door saves me although when I see Nathan’s face I can’t tell if this counts as good timing or bad. I mumble, “Thank you.” to Dr. Sandling, although I am not sure for what, and slip past his puzzled look. I am more than happy to escape the uncomfortable moment to take the needed signatures to the research office.

  Eric has done all the grocery shopping for the evening so we arrive home to a house full of Italian opera and several open bottles of wine. Any thoughts of my awkward conversation with Dr. Sandling disappear when James shows up with several more bottles of wine and a small plant.

  “It’s oregano.” James smiles as he gives it to Nathan. It’s supposed to bring you love, honor and luck. Plus, it taste’s good.” He gives me a smile and kiss on the cheek as he opens the first bottle. It turns out to be a delicious Barbera and I fill all of our glasses with a generous pour.

  Annette and Eliana arrive together with two more bottles and a simple arugula salad drizzled with balsamic vinegar and olive oil. We all gather around the kitchen with wine and nibble on salad while the men work on their dishes. In just a few minutes we have settled into a comfortable conversation that ranges from the latest disaster movie to classic literature. Annette and Nathan get lost in a conversation about polo ponies and Eliana settles in quietly next to me with a content smile.

  Aubrey starts our meal of in earnest with Polpette served with crusty Italian bread. James has made himself the official wine steward and opens a nice Barolo that is big enough to complement our Italian meatballs. We all shift around and change conversations and it seems like everyone is happy.

  Eric and I pull out the stuffed artichokes and talk about the things we miss from North Carolina like the little ice cream stand at the Friday night farmer’s market. As we sprinkle them with parmesan I take in the rest of the room. Annette is arguing with Aubrey about whether fringe is a functional element on chaps and James is making Eliana cry with laughter with a story about the time he and his brother went skinny dipping but forgot to anchor the sailboat.

  Nathan is busy at the stovetop with an intense look of concentration. He looks up and catches me in my staring and tips his glass of wine in my direction in toast. I return the gesture and wonder if he can tell how much I love him in this moment. The thought definitely catches me off guard and I turn around to hide my blush and help plate the artichokes.

  Nathan dazzles us all with an amazing Paniscia- a risotto with vegetables and red wine and James offers us a decadent Dolcetto. I am surprised that anything can be so delicious after the dishes and wine that came before. I finish off my risotto and then find myself running my finger over th
e plate just to lick the sauce. Nathan catches me and smiles as I just shrug and grab a piece a bread to use instead. James, however, can’t help but tease him about the history of the dish and ask if there is donkey meat in this version. I think he is just being silly until I pull out my phone and the internet proves him right. We spend the rest of the night asking if anyone would like more donkey risotto.

  We are all too stuffed to move directly to dessert so we settle in around the couches and chairs in the living room. James pushes onto the oversized chair with me and begins a long private toast to me about how brilliant we are for coming up with this idea and I agree heartily as the warmth of the wine washes over me. I am happy to see that Eliana has finally settled into conversation with Nathan. I can’t hear what they are saying but they both seem to be becoming more excited and animated by the moment.

  James interrupts my thoughts with a serious question.

  “You happy, Boss?”

  I look around the room and take in the tableau. New friends are mixed with the old. Everyone is very different but they seem to come together well. My best friend and lover are not only talking, but seem to be interested and excited. It all feels so comfortable and right.

  “I couldn’t be happier James. It’s perfect.” I tap my glass to his as emphasis.

  The sound catches Nathan’s attention and he stands and comes over to pull me from the chair and James’ side. He wraps his arm around me and raises his glass to the room.

  “To old friends and new and the wisdom of the fates. To filling this house with warmth, and laughter, and love. Cheers!”

  Everyone move to touch glasses as Nathan pulls me close for a kiss.

  “We had better do dessert before I take you upstairs and leave the others to fend for themselves.” He whispers and then nips me softly on my ear. I catch a small smile from Eliana as I pass her on my way to the kitchen.