Confusion: (a love story)

  We don’t even talk on the way back to the house after work. Eric finally breaks the silence when he puts the car in park.

  “Isabella, why aren’t you talking to me?”

  “Eric, I really don’t know what to say. You work for Nathan and you’re not telling me anything and he’s not telling me anything and it’s starting to wear thin. I’m not sure how much longer I can wait.”

  “I know, and I’m sorry. He wants to talk with you he is just in the middle of things...”

  “In the middle of what? That’s the question.”

  Eric shakes his head. “Isabella. Please just wait. I have never seen Nathan as happy as he is when he is with you. He needs you.”

  “If that we’re true, wouldn’t he be here telling me that instead of you?”

  I leave the car and successfully make it upstairs to change into my riding clothes before the tears start to fall. I feel like an idiot sitting around waiting for Nathan to come home. I feel like an idiot for letting myself fall for him in the first place. Mostly, I feel confused about why Eric and Aubrey are keeping this up when it is clear that our brief affair is ending.

  Eventually, I pull myself up and splash some water on my face. It’s not likely that Aubrey will be fooled but I might as well try. He already seems unconvinced that I should go to riding practice tonight so I don’t want to give him any other ammunition.

  I can hear their voices as I start down the stairs and I am surprised to hear Eric sounding so angry. I pause for a minute to listen.

  “He’s making a big mistake and the bastard isn’t even going to realize it before it’s too late.”

  “I agree but I don’t think it changes anything for us. He wants to talk with her in person. Our job is just to keep her safe until he can do that.”

  “I know she’s a good friend of yours Aubrey, but I’m telling you, we don’t have long. I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t kick us to the curb in the next 24 hours.”

  “Then let’s hope that Nathan comes back before then. If not, she can kick you to the curb but she is stuck with me. I was her friend before all this and will still be after. And I’m not going to let her run around with some jackass stalker without me.”

  At this I start down the stairs again, this time a little louder. Aubrey turns and clears his throat before giving me a warm smile.

  “Ready to go, Is?

  After riding I ask Aubrey to take me back to the house. I take a long bath and can’t help but wish I were alone so I could make some cookies. When I climb out and wonder down stairs I’m touched when Eric brings me a bowl of pasta and the two guys sit and talk at the table while they wait for me to eat. Their presence is supportive even though they aren’t forcing me to join the conversation.

  I head for my place on the couch as they sit up for a while. I watch them and feel a loss at the idea that this is probably our last night together.

  I wake up the next morning at about 4 am and can’t even begin to fall back asleep. Eric is curled into the overstuffed chair at my feet and Aubrey is restlessly turning on the floor in front of me. I watch them and wonder where Nathan is sleeping right now and hoping that he is alone. Just three days ago I woke up in love and content. But three days is sometimes a very long time.

  I manage to climb off the couch and up the stairs without waking anyone and decide that I might as well get a head start on my day. I head to the closet and pull out my clothes for work and then look down at my bag on the floor. Any hope I had that Nathan is coming back to be with me is pretty much gone so I go ahead and throw the rest of my clothes in the bag before I head off for a shower.

  After standing under the hot water for far too long I finally turn it off and climb out. I throw my clothes on and start running a brush through my hair as I head back into the bedroom. Just as I enter the room Aubrey flies through the door in a panic and I yelp in surprise. He looks at me and I am surprised that he looks truly scared. In a fraction of a second he has crossed the room and wrapped me in his arms. I’m too stunned to move.

  “Jesus, Is. How did you get past me?”

  “I...uh...” Aubrey looks down at me and it’s then that he seems to notice his tight embrace. He releases me immediately and steps back just as Eric throws himself into the room. He looks from Aubrey to me and back again and I can tell he is trying to figure out what he just missed.

  Aubrey just ignores him and asks more sternly, “I mean it, Is. How did you get past me?” He is really bothered by the fact that I got up and went upstairs without waking him. I can’t help but smile.

  “What, concerned that a civilian, and even worse a girl, snuck past the super Marine? Don’t sweat it guys; I was raised playing hide-and-seek with the General. I know how to get away when I need to.”

  They both look at me like I just told them I could fly. It is a mixture of disbelief and awe.

  “Wake me up next time, will ya? I woke up and thought...” A flicker of the fear I saw before crosses his face.

  “I will. Sorry. I just wanted to let you guys sleep.” They nod and then just stand there watching me and I worry for a minute that my disappearing trick may mean that they plan to stay by my side for the rest of the morning.

  I go back to brushing my hair and Eric finally leaves to go make coffee. Aubrey lingers for another minute and then finally sighs and heads down stairs also. I’m grateful that neither of them noticed my packed bag in the closet or I have a feeling that I would not be leaving the house.

  My morning at work is busy but my anxiety continues to rise by the minute. I am set on keeping the plan that I made three days ago but it is a plan that I am dreading. It means that I will have to acknowledge what I already know. I’ll have to admit that Nathan is gone.

  At 11am the alarm on my phone goes off and Eric looks up at me.

  “What’s that?” He asks. The anxiety in his voice comes through and just to be sure I’m not making a mistake I take a moment to check my voicemail, e-mail, and text messages. Nothing from Nathan.

  “It’s 72 hours.” I sigh and put my head in my hands.

  “Should I be worried?”

  I pause and give myself a few seconds to accept my fate and then brace myself for the rest of the day. Finally, I look up at Eric and into his deep brown eyes. I almost feel like it is him that I am breaking up with.

  “No. You should leave.”

  He stammers while I dial my cell phone and cut off his chance to argue with my conversation.

  “Hey Aubrey, I’m done with work for today. Can you come pick me up?...”

  “I’ve sent Eric home,” with this I give Eric a pointed look, “He works for Nathan not me and I am done with Nathan so there is no need for him to stick around...

  “I have waited. It’s been 72 hours...

  “I think that IS reasonable Aubrey. Now are you going to come get me or not?...

  “OK good. My bag is packed so just grab it from the closet. Oh, and grab one Nathan’s tuxes from the closet while you are at it. I’m sure he won’t mind if you borrow it...

  “Stop asking questions and get your ass over here. I want to go home.”

  I disconnect the call and look up at Eric. He is typing away furiously on his phone. When he stops he finally looks up and the panic is clear on his face.

  “Eric, don’t worry. I’m good. You and I are good too. I just can’t be around you right now. Aubrey will be here soon, and I want you to leave. Now.”

  “Isabella, he just needs a little more time.”

  “Time is up. I’m going to talk with Dr. Sandling. I expect you to be gone when I get back.”

  Half way to Dr. Sandling’s office my phone rings and it is Nathan’s number. I turn my phone off and keep walking.

  Dr. Sandling is happy to give the afternoon off and after we chat about the grants for a few minutes I head back to my office. I am relieved to see that Eric is gone but the phone on my desk is ringing continuously. I ignore it and pack up my stuff to leave.

  Aub
rey meets me on the stairs and I get an earful about how worried he was when he called my cell and realized that it was off. I let him reprimand me and then reassure him that we will be together for the rest of the day so I won’t need my phone anyway.

  I drag him off to lunch at Seven Barrel Brewery. It is actually a town over and I have to admit that I might be hiding. I’m not sure if it is from my stalker or from Nathan but there is part of me that really wants to get out of town for a while.

  Aubrey and I have a couple of beers and some burgers and reminisce about old times. After a while he tells me about some of his deployments and some of the men that he lost. They are the same guys that always tagged along on our adventures together and we order another round or two to drink in their memory.

  Finally, Aubrey asks why he has one of Nathan’s tuxes in the car. I look up at the clock and realize that almost 5 hours have passed.

  “Shit! We have to get ready.” I jump up as Aubrey throws money on the table and hurries to catch up with me. The 4 beers have had a lot more impact on me than they have him so I am easy to catch. I almost trip on the first step and Aubrey laughs as he wraps his arm around me and practically carries me to the car.

  “Where are we going? I’m not sure you should be going anywhere there Sally Anne.”

  “I am not a Sally Anne! I am perfectly sober. And just for that you will have to wait to see where we are going.” He shakes his head and shuts the car door behind me.

  “But I’m the one driving. You have to tell me where we are going.”

  “Right now, my apartment. We have to get ready.”

  “Ready for what?”

  “Ready for anything.” My answer sounds wistful and seems to keep both of us quiet for the rest of the ride back.

  Moments after we walk in the door my home phone starts ringing. I scowl at Aubrey because I am pretty sure he sold me out to Nathan but he just shrugs and then smirks at me when I pick up the phone and leave it off the hook on the counter.

  “You can’t ignore him forever you know.”

  “Why not? He is making it pretty easy if you ask me. It’s easy to ignore someone who is not here.” Aubrey just shakes his head so I head to the shower for a little time alone.

  At 6:45 I step out into the living room and what I see sucks the air from my lungs. Aubrey turns to look at me with concern but it just makes it worse.

  “Oh my God, you look amazing.” My comment to him sends an immediate blush to his cheeks and for a moment my schoolgirl crush comes back with a vengeance. Aubrey fills out the tux well and suddenly looks like a debonair hero worthy of an Audrey Hepburn movie.

  I look him up and down and laugh when I see he has maintained a small piece of his West Virginia roots. He is wearing his black boots. My eyes meet his again and he gives me a warm smile.

  “I think that is my line. Turn around so I can check you out.”

  I am wearing the same dress I wore to Dr. Sanding’s party. I didn’t have time to find anything new and I figure that the crowd for tonight won’t have too many people in common. Artists don’t generally hang out with physicists.

  “Oh my Lord, Woman. I don’t think you’re allowed to go outside in that.”

  I can’t help but laugh at his reaction to the back.

  “Don’t like it?” I ask innocently.

  “Oh, I like it. And so will every other man in the room. Don’t be surprised if I stand behind you the entire night. Where are we going anyway?”

  “We’re going to the opening.” The color drains from Aubrey’s face. “Don’t look so happy about it. If I had known you looked this good in a tux I would have forced you to get culture a long time ago.”

  He doesn’t even pretend to be amused by my comment. Instead I am greeted with his low rumbling warning voice.

  “Is. You want me to take you to the opening with Grigori Bashmakov.”

  I nod. “It’s either that or I’m going alone.”

  I feel like I am in some sort of standoff as we stand there staring at each other in silence. Finally he turns and starts typing on his phone. I grab my phone and throw it in my small handbag and wrap a silk shawl around my shoulders and head for the door.

  Aubrey puts his phone away and catches up to me half way down the stairs. He slides his arm in mine but doesn’t try to stop me. I look up to see that his eyes have turned a cold, bright yellow and can tell that the edge of his jaw is tightly clinched.

  “Are we walking or driving?” His voice is cool and professional and I am struck by the fact that it is a trained Marine that is walking beside me not my friend. For a moment I wonder if I am being foolish in going out tonight. But I am done with waiting, and hiding, and fear.

  “We’re walking, Aubrey.”

  I tighten my arm on his and head for the Hopkins Center. I muster up all of the bravery and calm and stubbornness that I have left after the last two weeks and try to enjoy the beautiful summer night. I am not giving all of this up. If there is someone out there that wants me, then they’ll have to come and get me.

  Chapter 22

  As we enter the party Aubrey grabs a couple of glasses of wine from a waiter and wraps his arm almost possessively around me as we take a sip and take in the room. Several women are staring openly at Aubrey and I wonder for a moment if his embrace is meant as protection for me or for him.

  After speaking with a few of my old professors I start to feel like I am being watched and I turn to see Grigori across the room. He is surrounded by several female students who are practically salivating on his shoes. He looks like he has paused in mid-sentence and is staring quite intensely at both myself and Aubrey.

  Aubrey turns and follows my look and I can feel his arm tighten around me when he sees Grigori. Grigori notices it too and starts in our direction. The look on his face is hard for me to read. He looks a little like a jealous boyfriend and I wonder for a minute if I was wrong about defending him before.

  Aubrey pulls me quickly in the other direction and it is only when he realizes that we have stumbled onto the dance floor that he looks concerned.

  “What’s the matter cowboy? Forget how to dance?”

  “Oh, I know how to dance. I just don’t want to tempt a vulnerable little girl like you with my amazing moves.” His comment is the perfect mix of over the top and a little too true and my shock comes through the look on my face. Aubrey turns and catches my dropped jaw and seems to relent.

  “OK, fine. You seem to want to play with fire tonight. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

  With that, Aubrey takes me in his arms and folds us into the crowd of dancers. His movements are powerful, which I expected, but he is also much more graceful than I would have imagined.

  Aubrey seems oblivious to the glances we are getting from the people around us and instead pulls me close and tucks my head under his chin. I relax into his chest and think about where I am. I cannot image a place where I would feel safer in the world.

  I’m also surprised to realize that I don’t feel any attraction. Somewhere along the way Aubrey and I settled in as family. We love each other dearly, and I suspect we always will. But If I can be pressed up against a man that looks this good in a tuxedo and not feel anything, that schoolgirl crush is long gone.

  I look up when I feel Aubrey’s body tense and see Grigori coming across the dance floor. He asks politely if he can have this dance and Aubrey looks at me and then sighs when it is clear I plan to accept.

  Grigori pulls me tightly into his arms and for a moment I think Aubrey is going to physically attack him. Grigori just ignores him and shuffles us off in another direction. I look up at him and he whispers something in Russian in my ear. This man is also incredibly attractive and the control but tenderness of his embrace makes me wonder for a minute what would have happened if I had said yes to Russia.

  He smiles at me warmly as if he is reading my thoughts.

  “I’m so happy you came tonight Isabella.” He pauses for a minute and tucks his head and the
tickle of his breath across my neck sends goose bumps over my skin. “We could do beautiful things together, you and I.”

  I start to tell myself that he is talking about design but I make the mistake of looking up into his eyes and the want is so clearly there that I blush and look around to make sure that no one sees. I’m embarrassed when I realize that I am really looking for Nathan. Perhaps I’m most embarrassed because he is not there. Grigori seems to follow the whole process.

  “And where is Nathan Graham, Isabella?”

  “Gone.” The one word is all I can seem to get out.

  “If he is gone, why did a member of his security team bring you tonight?”

  “Who Aubrey? No Aubrey really is my friend. Nathan was freaked out and asked that he serve as security for me but Aubrey really was, and is, my friend.”

  Grigori pauses and for a few seconds I think he is going to leave it at that. I am distracted from the feel of his hand on my back and his fingers tracing a small circle dangerously close to the bottom of my low cut dress. I know from the scene shop that he has the habit of tracing circles with his fingers when he is thinking.

  “And what was our dear Nathan freaked out about?” The question catches me off guard and I wonder for a minute if I should be talking with him about this. I look up at him and can see the genuine curiosity and concern in his eyes.

  “Funny story really. I have some sort of secret admirer. Nathan was pretty convinced it was you actually. I told him you were not a man to leave trinkets, that if you wanted something you would come and get it.”

  For a moment his eyes turn brighter and he holds me just a fraction tighter and I regret my choice of words.

  “I only take what is freely given, my love.” His words are tinged with sadness and I realize for the first time that he may actually be serious in his affection. Before I can respond he continues, “What sort of trinkets was I supposed to give you?”