NYC Angels: The Wallflower's Secret

by Susan Carlisle

  “I thought we’d said all that needed to be said.” Her flinch gave him a second of satisfaction before it turned to guilt. It shouldn’t be this way between them. “I’m sorry. That was uncalled for.”

  Lucy looked around as if checking to see if anyone was paying attention to them. Apparently finding they weren’t, she said, “I understand. I’ve hurt you, and for that I’m sorry.”

  The North Pole would become a heated swimming pool before he let her know how badly she’d hurt him. “It didn’t work out. We’re both adults. We know the score.”

  She blinked then looked away.

  He’d sounded harsh, he knew. But he couldn’t continue to do his job, live his life if he didn’t start getting a handle on his emotions where she was concerned. The first step was making clear to her that he was moving on.

  “Ryan, about Miguel Rivera. His mother called. She’s upset because she’s having difficulty getting Miguel into a program designed for children with epilepsy this summer. It’s too expensive for her to pay for and she wanted to know if you would consider recommending he attend. She believes he would qualify for a scholarship on your recommendation.”

  “Have you checked this camp out?”

  “I have. I think it would be very beneficial for Miguel.”

  Ryan shouldn’t have bothered to ask the question. Lucy was thorough, if nothing else. She looked at him, really looked at him, for the first time in days. Those beseeching eyes would have him doing anything. How he still wanted her! “Then I trust your judgment. See that the paperwork gets to my desk. If they don’t get the scholarship, let me know. I’ll pay for him to attend.”

  She sucked in a breath.

  “Don’t act so surprised. You’re not the only one who can be philanthropic. Put the paperwork on my desk, and I’ll sign it this afternoon.”

  “Thank you, Ryan.”

  “Is that all?”

  “I’d really like to say one more thing.”

  Ryan shifted his weight from one foot to the other, waiting. Something about the hesitant way she said the words made him think he wasn’t going to like what came next.

  “I’m only saying this because I care about you.”

  His mouth quirked and took on a dubious line. Lucy had the good grace to look contrite.

  “I’d like you to think about why you have such a difficult time talking to families—”

  “I’m not going to discuss—”

  “Ryan, you need to hear me out. You’ve retreated behind the pain and sorrow of your father’s illness and death for so long that you can’t bring yourself to be near anyone else in the same pain. You’d be a better doctor, even a happier person, if you would try, just try to see that and be a little more open with your patients’ families.”

  He glared down at her. She’d thrown what they’d had together away and now she wanted to give him personal advice?

  Before she could say more or he could respond, a nurse from the floor approached them. “Hi,” she said with a smile.

  As she passed Ryan asked, “Are you headed back in?”

  “Yes,” the nurse said, surprise in her tone.

  “Mind if I walk with you?”

  She gave him a brilliant smile. “Sure.”

  “Enjoy your lunch, Lucy.” He turned and fell into step with the pretty nurse, whose eager, encouraging eyes made him wish that he could see that same look coming from Lucy.

  Lucy had cried so much in the last few days that she didn’t think she could ever cry again. She was wrong. As she watched Ryan walk away and heard the cute nurse’s laugh, she was afraid another sobbing session was coming on. She wadded up her meal and shoved it into her sack.

  Her days and nights had started to run together. She hadn’t really slept since the night she had lain curled in Ryan’s arms. Going through the motions was the only way she could describe her efforts at work. She’d managed to do what needed to be done for her patients but little else.

  Most of her energy had gone into making sure her and Ryan’s paths didn’t cross. Working in such a large hospital had helped. It hadn’t worked today, though. She’d been completely surprised to see him in the park. Also the fact that Ryan spent so much time in the OR had helped.

  She wasn’t proud of the fact she’d checked the schedule each morning and planned her visits to the patients’ rooms when she knew there was the least chance of running into him. Even though she made every effort not to see him, her body turned against her whenever she did. Heat rose in her every time she saw him.

  Her life had gone from barely tolerable when she’d left Alexis’s home to impossible. The only shining moments had been those spent with Ryan. Now even those were gone. Knowing she’d made the right choice didn’t make it any easier to live without him. Seeing him daily at the hospital was a constant painful reminder of how much she cared.

  She didn’t have to look at him to know when his gaze was on her. She felt it. Hot, heavy and beckoning. When she glanced at him he made sure to be looking elsewhere. His sunny, ready smile had become almost non-existent. The nurses were making comments about how much he’d changed, speculating on the cause.

  He wasn’t happy and neither was she, but she didn’t know how to change it. Even if she wanted to, would Ryan forgive her for all the things she’d said to him? Based on the ease with which he’d left her to walk with the nurse, she’d say she’d lost her chance.

  Her efforts to dodge Ryan were working better than those she used to keep Alexis at bay. Where Ryan was silently accepting, Alexis was overt and demanding. There were twice-daily calls asking when they might get together. Lucy had ignored the first day’s worth. The second day she’d actually spoken to Alexis but only long enough to say she was too busy to meet her.

  She had to get control of her life. Did she want to continually live like this? She’d shocked herself when she’d stood up to Ryan. Even more so when she’d undressed in front of him and all of Lower Manhattan. She should be able to talk to her sister. Ryan was lost to her but maybe her sister wasn’t. She had to try. Nothing could be worse than what she had now.

  She called Alexis as soon as she was out of bed the next morning.

  “Alexis, can we get together tomorrow? I’m taking the afternoon off.”

  “That sounds wonderful. We’re leaving the day after tomorrow and I’ve hardly seen you. I’ll meet you at the hospital if you want.”

  Lucy couldn’t risk her sister running into Ryan. “I’ll come to your place. Take you out for lunch.”

  “I’m looking forward to it. I’ve missed you, Luce.”

  “Me, too,” Lucy whispered, after Alexis had hung up.

  Lucy pushed away the strands of her hair that had escaped from the tight bun she’d worn the last few days. Just thinking about how much Ryan loved her hair made her feel self-conscious. Having it down reminded her of how he’d played with it as she’d explored his body. If she kept tight control of her hair, maybe she could govern her memories as well. She shuddered. Those moments were events she shouldn’t dwell on.

  She raised her hand in the air to hail a cab. It surprised her how acclimatized to living in New York City she’d become in just a few weeks. Where she’d been intimidated by the large bustling city when she’d first arrived, now she could throw up an arm and hail a cab with ease.

  Even the subway system was starting to feel familiar to her and her on-time rate was improving because she wasn’t lost all the time. She was starting to think of the city as home. Where she’d been a meek and mild person unsure of what to do and where to go, she’d become much more confident. That was empowering.

  How often had she told her patient families that when they got out on the other side of the tough times they would find a bright spot? It was no different for her. She had lived her life not in the shadow of Alexis but with her leading the way all the time. Now she was her own person, having to fight her own battles. She was a stronger person for making the move to New York.

  She could
face Alexis. Would tell her the truth. With new resolve Lucy stepped out of the taxi and entered Alexis’s building, making her way up to the correct floor. Could things between them be worse than they already had been? She loved Alexis and Alexis loved her. They would get through this. Wasn’t it the same with Ryan? She wasn’t so sure. Could she forgive him if he’d treated her as badly as she’d treated him?

  She rapped her knuckles firmly against Alexis’s door. Squaring her shoulders and lifting her chin to cover the jitters that felt like a flock of birds taking off in her belly, Lucy waited.

  Too soon for her nerves the door opened and Alexis stood there. The warm smile of welcome Lucy had received days earlier had disappeared. Alexis pierced her with a look.

  “Come in and tell me what’s going on.”

  Lucy should have known she couldn’t hide from her sister long. Nothing got by her. She knew Lucy too well.

  Alexis closed the door behind Lucy, reminding her of bars closing on a jail cell. She wouldn’t be released until Alexis got want she wanted. That suited Lucy just fine. She was ready to bare her heart. Would do what it took to get back what she’d lost.

  Alexis headed toward a sofa, leaving Lucy to follow. “Emily’s napping and Sam’s at the office at a meeting. We have time to talk. Really talk,” Alexis said, sitting on the sofa.

  Lucy had always received a hug from Alexis when they hadn’t seen each other in a while. It was telling that she hadn’t offered one this time. Lucy would have to call on her new-found determination to get through this. She followed Alexis to the living room, taking the sofa opposite hers.

  “What happened to you the other night? I know what you told me but I also know you well enough to know when you’re lying. Something’s going on and I want to know what it is.”

  Alexis had never been one to dance around what she wanted to know. Lucy had to tell the truth. Alexis deserved to hear the whole dreadful story.

  She focused on the tip of her black dress boot, unable to make eye contact with Alexis. “I had to leave Atlanta.”

  “Had to leave? Why?” Patience was never Alexis’s strong suit. Lucy had always been the one to wait and listen.

  “Because I was too close to Emily. It was too hard. I thought you were starting to resent me.”

  Alexis’s mouth fell open as she leaned forward. “I don’t understand.”

  She didn’t imagine that Alexis did. Alexis’s thoughts had never wavered away from the fact she was going to have a baby to think about how it was affecting her sister. Lucy looked at Alexis, seeing her in a different light for the first time ever. Lucy had always revered Alexis, thinking she could do no wrong.

  Now she recognized that Alexis had been so focused on her own needs that she’d had no idea of what Lucy had been going through. Lucy didn’t love Alexis any less, she just recognized that Alexis’s concern had more to do with her having a family than with Lucy’s welfare. It was not a criticism. It was a reminder that Lucy had to build a life of her own. Move on.

  “Alexis, we talked of Emily being yours. You made all the doctor’s appointments. I knew in my head that she belonged to you and Sam, but as she grew and my body changed, it became harder to think of myself as just an incubator. As hard as I tried not to, I felt the baby belonging to me more and more.”

  Alexis’s sharp intake of breath made Lucy flinch but she had to go on.

  “Do you remember that day you came home and Sam had his hand on my belly? He was feeling her kick for the first time. I saw the look on your face. You resented me. I knew then I was going to have to do something drastic after the baby was born. I started applying for jobs then. My post partum emotions didn’t help. You and Sam and Emily became this tight little unit that didn’t include me.”

  “Luce, we didn’t—”

  Lucy held up a hand. “Let me finish or I might not be able to. I know my feelings were irrational. But I couldn’t make them go way. The problem was I was jealous. Jealous of you with Emily. Jealous of you having Sam. Jealous that I had no family of my own.”

  “You had us. I’m your family.”

  Lucy looked away. “No, my own husband, child. The jealousy was eating me up inside. I had to get away. When the job offer up here came I snatched it. My excuse was that I was feeling too attached to Emily when it was really that I was jealous of what you had. The longer I stayed at your house the more those awful feelings grew. I was disgusted with myself.

  “I’m jealous of your happiness! You found it and I haven’t. You and I were a team. It had always been us against the world. Then Sam came along. You still included me, things weren’t that different, but Emily changed everything. You had your little family and I had nothing.”

  She looked up to find tears rolling down Alexis’s face. They matched the ones on her own cheeks.

  “I’m so ashamed, Alexis. If you love someone you should want them to have all the happiness in the world, not be jealous of them. I had no intention of seeing you the other day. Only because Ryan agreed to come with me did I show up. I just couldn’t face you.” She caught Alexis’s gaze and said with all the sincerity she could muster, “I’m so sorry. For it all. Please forgive me. I love you, Emily and Sam.”

  Alexis’s stricken look tore at Lucy’s heart. Her sister was just as hurt as Lucy had feared she would be. Seconds later, Alexis popped up and came around the coffee table that stood between them. She sat next to Lucy and pulled her into a tight hug. “Aw, honey, I wish you’d said something. Sam and I love you. We want you to be happy too, not for us to be happy at your expense.”

  It felt good to have Alexis’s understanding, concern and touch. “I don’t want you to feel guilty. I’ve carried enough of that for both of us. Please forgive me.” Lucy gave her a pleading look.

  Alexis let go of Lucy enough that they could look at each other. “There’s nothing to forgive. I had no idea what a toll carrying Emily was having on you. Sam and I had no idea. You gave us no hint. You should’ve said something.”

  “I couldn’t. As jealous as I was, I still couldn’t ruin your happiness.”

  Alexis took both of Lucy’s hands in hers and looked at her with gloomy eyes. “Luce, I’m so sorry. We should’ve been more sensitive to your feelings.”

  “I don’t want you or Sam to feel bad. As hard as coming here the other night was for me, it also made me face my fears and feelings. I’m stronger for it. I’m moving on, learning to cope, and I don’t want anything to ever stand between us again.”

  Alexis wrapped Lucy in another hug, which she accepted and returned with every fiber of her being. She hung on until she and Alexis had moved from crying to laughing. With that came a sense of wellbeing that hadn’t been there in the last few months, except for those precious moments in Ryan’s arms.

  “Enough of the crying. I’m going to call Sam and see when he’ll be home. He can watch Emily while you and I go out and have a good old-fashioned girls’ evening out,” Alexis declared, in that childhood one-twin-is-more-dominant-than-the-other voice.

  “I’d really like that,” Lucy said, not hiding the emotion that crept into her voice. “I’ve missed you.”

  Alexis gave her a hug. “And I you. Do you know of any good places to do some shopping in this big city?”

  “I think Macy’s would cover everything we might need and more.”

  “Then Macy’s it is.”

  A cry from the adjoining room announced that Emily was awake.

  “Do you mind if I get her?” Lucy asked.

  “I would love for you to.”

  Lucy reached into the crib and brought the warm child to her chest. Emily gave a whimper and quieted. Lucy inhaled the sweet smell of her. “Hi, sweetheart. It’s your Aunt Lucy.”

  Hours later, with shopping bags in her hand and a smile on her face, Lucy asked, “Would you like to see where I live? It isn’t much.”

  “I’d love to,” Alexis responded, with more eagerness than the tiny apartment warranted.

  “Come on, I
’ll show you how a real New Yorker travels.” Lucy headed down the steps into the subway station. Half an hour later she and Alexis were strolling along the narrow, bumpy sidewalk of her tree-lined street.

  “What a nice area to live in. If I had to live in a city this large, I’d like to live somewhere like this. It feels like a real neighborhood,” Alexis commented.

  “It is, but it doesn’t have the view of the city that Ryan has from Brooklyn.” He’d been on Lucy’s mind all day, especially after she’d begun to adjust to being a doting aunt and loyal sister. She missed him with all her heart. If they couldn’t return to what they’d had, she wanted them to at least be friends. No, that wasn’t true. They couldn’t go back to being friends. She wanted Ryan to be more than that. There had to be some way to make up for what she’d said to him.

  “And you know about his view how?” Alexis put a suggestive tone in her voice. “I’ve been wanting to ask but was afraid to because of all the other emotions we’ve been drowning in today. But you opened the gate so I’m asking. What’s going on with you two?”

  Lucy touched Alexis’s arm. “You can ask me anything. I’ll never again close you out. Ever.”

  “I love you, Lucy.”

  “And I love you. Here’s my apartment.”

  A short time later Lucy and Alexis were sitting at the table, having glasses of iced tea, when Alexis asked, “Now, tell me about Ryan. How do you know about his view exactly?” Her look was pointed enough to make Lucy squirm and blush simultaneously.

  “I’ve seen it.”

  “You have? I knew there was something going on between you two.” Alexis’s seemed pleased with herself. She waited as if she expected Lucy to say more.

  Under her watchful eyes, Lucy played with the moisture on the side of her glass.

  “You really care about him, don’t you?”

  “Yeah. Too much. And I messed up big time.”

  “What happened?” Alexis put her glass down and leaned toward Lucy.