The Duke of My Heart (Regency Romance)

by Hanna Hamilton

  “I will take you to the servant’s quarters, and we will see where you should sleep. The girl who worked before you had her own room in there, so I assume you shall be given the same privilege.”

  Ooh, her own room. That was a luxury that Iris had not been provided with, in her house. Then again, this was a much nicer place so why wouldn't she? At least with her own room, she could keep out of the butler's way.

  The stairs to the servant’s quarters were dark and the smell of damp clung firmly to the air. It was already like another world entirely. The upstairs of the house, the parts that the public would see, were spotless, clean, and airy. The downstairs was dark and possibly a little grimy.

  Iris didn’t mind though... at least, that’s what she kept telling herself. It wasn’t too bad, it certainly wasn’t too terrible for her to live in. There was just a very noticeable difference.

  The place was very busy, it seemed that there were people as far as the eye could see, which caused Iris’s walls to build up around her. She expected to feel comfortable here, practically right away like she had done at home, but now it was obvious that was only a childish notion.

  At her house, she knew the staff even if only a little to start with. Here, no one knew her and it seemed that no one trusted her either.

  Tears built up in the corner of her eye as she recalled her sad goodbye to Betty. Almost everything that had happened over the last few days was nothing more than a blur in Iris's memory, but that stuck out in her mind. She embraced her, holding onto her for far too long, all while whispering confidence boosters into her ear. Even though she was absolutely terrified, Iris used that to drive her forwards. It gave her a confidence and positivity that wouldn't have been there otherwise.

  Now all she wanted to do was be back in her friend’s arms.

  Victoria spoke to the butler and another woman in a hushed way in the corner of the large room. It was clearly about her, from the way that their eyes kept darting in her direction, but Iris did not need to hear to know that it was bad. The negative atmosphere rolled off them in ways.

  “You’re Victoria’s cousin, right?” a crass voice belonging to a very dirty looking young boy cried out. His comment caused the hush to die down in the room, and Iris felt all eyes upon her. It was a very unwelcome sensation.

  “Erm, yes?”

  “Are you asking me, or telling me?” His snide remark was rewarded by laughter. The crow like cackling brought that ice panic back through Iris’s blood. “Well? You deaf or something?”

  “I’m Victoria’s cousin.” Even a stronger tone didn’t help. The staff still laughed cruelly at her. “What is it to you?” she finished off bitterly.”

  "Ooh!" many members of the crowd called out gleefully as if this was a stage performance rather than real life.

  Iris wanted to scream, so many violent yells travelled up into her throat, all the emotions from the turbulent day rose to the tip of her tongue, but Victoria stopped her, just in time.

  “Daisy?” She touched her shoulder lightly. “Come with me, I know where your room is.”

  It was probably a good thing; an argument was not the best way to start a day.

  As they walked through the cramped hallway, Iris could tell that Victoria wanted to offer her some comforting words, but she could not find them. She was not really her cousin, not even a relative at all, nor a friend. It was clear that if Iris was going to get herself into trouble then she would have to suffer it alone.

  She supposed that she could understand that.

  “Here you are,” she mumbled as they reached a small, very brown and beige, room. “I hope this is to your satisfaction.”

  Nothing was to Iris’s satisfaction, but that had nothing to do with the room. “It is fine, thank you,” she replied wearily, choosing to keep her grievances to herself. “I shall see you in the morning.”

  Victoria hung around in the door frame for a moment, as if she had something else to say. Iris had all but given up on the idea that it might be sympathy,

  “Amy will not wake until the later hours of the morning since she currently has no responsibilities with the master being out of town, but she will expect you there earlier than that,” Victoria finally blurted out. It clearly wasn’t the subject she intended to start with, but it was the one she had picked now.

  “I am an early riser, that shall be no trouble.” Even if Amy had shown no sign of wanting her there, Iris still felt very determined to help her. If early mornings were important, then that is what she would do. She could also be patient if she needed to be. “Thank you once more.”

  “Yes, well, goodnight.” She gave up. Iris didn’t blame her.

  “Goodnight, Victoria.”

  As Victoria left, Iris curled herself up into a ball on the bed and she finally let the tears roll free. They had been building all day long, so it was a relief to have them out now. This would not be the easy ride she had assumed; Daisy was right about the difficulties the lower classes faced. She should have listened much more, instead of delving into her imagination. Her dreams were nothing; they did nothing good for her. She needed to let them go.

  For the very first time since the switch first happened, Iris started to believe that maybe she had made a mistake...

  * * *

  Iris wanted it to get better, she needed it to get better, but it didn’t. Her first few weeks in the Oakley household had been nothing short of a disaster. Amy hadn’t yet responded to her in any real way, and the other staff had now resorted to ignoring her as if she wasn’t there. It was as if they knew that isolation would hurt her most. Her discomfort pooled inside of her like blood.

  She had spent a lot of her life alone, uncomfortable with herself, this was supposed to be a fresh start. It was all supposed to be different. Where had she gone so wrong?

  Victoria spoke to her when she could, but there was a chasm of space between them and it seemed she wanted to keep it that way. Iris could understand why she didn't want to get tainted with the same terrible luck and reputation that she had, but still, it hurt.

  Daisy would never have done that, but Daisy was brave. Daisy would have caused a fuss and demanded that everyone behave much better.

  Iris missed Daisy more than she every thought possible. It was a physical ache in her heart.

  Dear Iris,

  Iris scrawled across a blank piece of paper that she had managed to find in Amy’s waste paper basket. It didn’t even have anything written on it, it was as if Amy simply wanted to throw something out to rebel against something. Goodness knows what.

  I hope you are enjoying your new life; I hope it suits you well.

  She did not even think that she would send this letter, she simply wanted to write something secretly for herself to get her feelings out. Luckily, Iris had the privacy of her own bedroom in which to behave as she so wished. If she had written out in the common area of the servant’s quarters, everyone would have picked up on her writing style.

  She clearly had an education, that showed through her cursive script.

  I hope that you found the freedom you wanted to find. I wish that I could say the same for myself.

  Her heart lifted a little as she wrote. It was actually a little therapeutic.

  I now understand what you meant about the poor having restrictions and a hard life of their own. It is not the work that I mind, that part is alright, it is the people.

  The lady of the house believes that I am beneath her and that I would not understand her issues. The sad thing is I do, but she will not let me in. I do hope that neither I or my sisters gave you so much trouble.

  Then there is everyone else. The other serving staff despise me and I do not know why. All I wish to do is have a friendship group like I had at home, I miss having people care about me.

  Do you have any advice for me? I wish I could send this to you to ask, I would love to know what you think. But maybe you are too busy to write to me now. At your dinners and parties.

  I am so
rry, I do not wish to moan. I just miss you.

  You have always been a wonderful friend to me, I love you.

  Daisy

  Writing that name as her own felt a little more right now. It was as if she’d become Daisy... not that the persona had done her many favours.

  Iris twisted onto her back and she stared up at the ceiling. There was a crack running down in, with a spider web dangling down that she could not stop herself looking at. Even in the dark, as she attempted to get some sleep, she stared upwards as if she could see it.

  Maybe that was what her heart looked like now. She certainly didn’t daydream anymore, or imagine a handsome prince coming to rescue her. Her brain stuck firmly in reality where everything was terrible. She couldn’t get out of it, even if she wanted to.

  She felt her brain dart back and forth as she realized that she really only had two options before her. She could give up, be pathetic like she always was. She could act the way that she did when her mother died and she could retreat inside of herself. She could curl into a ball and let the world pass her by...

  Or she could take action.

  For once, she could take the road that she never went down and she could fight this. She wouldn’t even need to do much for that, she would simply have to hold her head high and keep on working. She would keep trying with Amy and hope that one day she’d feel comfortable to talk to her, and she would hope that the other staff members would eventually grow weary of their childish games. She could ignore them right back until they decided to grow up.

  It wasn’t like Iris to be attracted to the more challenging option, but it was the only one that could provide results. If she shut down now, she’d end up losing her job which would put her on the streets. If she wanted to protect Daisy then she couldn’t go back home, even if Olivia would let her in which only left her with one horrifying outcome...

  She would end up as a street girl.

  Iris shuddered but used that image to bring up her determination even further. She would not let these people push her down, she was better than that, stronger. Iris had been through far too much to lose herself now.

  She would do this.

  Iris turned onto her side once more and she smiled to herself. It was the first happy expression that she’d had in a very long time. This wasn’t easy, it was more of a challenge than she assumed it would be, but if she could overcome this then she could do anything. Ever since her mother had died, she hadn’t wanted to do anything. This she needed to do. This was her aim in life.

  Her life wouldn’t be easy from here on out, so she needed some inner strength. This was the perfect way to build character and prove to herself that she was better than others thought she was, than she thought she was. She hadn’t ever thought anything good about herself, but now she wanted to. She needed that.

  Iris closed her eyes and embraced the happiness. Tomorrow was a brand new day, and she would make it a good one. The best one she’d had in the Oakley household yet.

  Chapter 17

  By the time her second week was up, things were not much better. Iris kept her head up and she remained as determined as she could manage, but her situation was drowning her, she felt completely and utterly overwhelmed. She might have been cool and collected on the outside, but inside she felt like a boiling hot mess.

  Iris had never been forced to consider how likeable as a person she was before, but now it was all that she could think about. Maybe the staff at her house liked her because she was the lady, nothing more. If she hadn't been, maybe they might have treated her just like the staff at the Oakley household. Maybe there was just something terrible unlikable about her.

  If only she knew for certain, then she could work on improving herself. Iris did not want to go through life with no one liking her. What a terribly lonely life that would be!

  “Which dress should I wear today?” Amy suddenly blurted out, shaking Iris from her thoughts. She stood in front of her wardrobe looking as bewildered as Iris felt inside. Iris knew that Amy loved her dresses, but today it seemed to be too much of a challenge to pick the right one. “I am not sure which one to choose.”

  Since Amy had never asked her for her opinion before, Iris leapt at the opportunity with glee. Maybe this was her first step towards her breakthrough. If she could form a connection with the lady of the house, then everything else would not seem so bad. All she really needed was one positive thing to happen for the dark cloud to lift. Then maybe once she was back to herself, maybe she would not seem so unlikable to everyone else.

  “I do love the pale pink dress you own, with the hearts embroidered into the sleeves.” Iris smiled as she ran her fingers lightly down the material. “It looks wonderful on you.”

  It made Amy look like a beautiful princess in the middle of a story... not that Iris thought of such things anymore. Iris left her daydreams back at her house where they belonged. She had a real life to focus on now.

  As Amy’s face contorted into an unpleasant expression, Iris understood the issue exactly. She hated to wear the uncomfortable ladylike dresses on a daily basis too, which is why she took to only slip dresses when she retired to her room. She could not see any point in struggling with a dress that she could barely breathe in. Especially when no one was around to see it.

  Just because Amy embraced being a lady more than Iris ever did, didn’t mean she needed to be in any discomfort today. If it was not what she wanted, then Iris thought she needn’t force herself.

  “But if you intend to have a day of reading, or learning with your governess, then you should wear the cream coloured dress you have,” she continued casually. “It is very classy and it looks like it will fit much nicer.”

  “Yes.” Amy’s expression instantly turned to one of relief as if she had been given permission to do the one thing that she really wanted to. Finally, Iris had said the right thing! Her heart darted around her chest with happiness. “Yes, I think I will. The cream dress, please.”

  Iris undressed Amy rapidly, barely noticing her body anymore. She was as accustomed to Amy’s nude body as she was of her own. Every curve, every slight blemish on her skin, the cluster of freckles on her hip... she knew it so well now.

  “There.” She stepped back and grinned at Amy. “That looks wonderful on you.”

  Amy twisted her body freely, enjoying the sensation of movement that she could get from this dress. Iris did not see the point of her struggling when there was not even a master around. He had not been at the house for weeks. Why keep up the act when there was no one around to see it?

  “Thank you, very much, Daisy,” Amy smiled as she swayed her hips in an almost dance-like movement. “I really appreciate your help.”

  Iris’s wanted to dance herself, she felt enveloped by sheer joy. That had to be a wonderful sign, Amy had smiled at her, and it was a look of genuine happiness too. All the horrors that she'd been through during her time in the Oakley household slid off her back like water and she felt uplifted and joyful.

  “You are most welcome, Miss Oakley.” Iris bobbed into a curtsy. “I am always here to help.”

  “Yes... you are.”

  The way that Amy said that made Iris wonder what had happened to her previous handmaiden. Maybe if she was treated by the other staff in the terrible way that Iris herself had been, then she might have left rapidly, in a distressed state of upset. Amy had the haunted look of someone who had been abandoned by everyone. Her parents, even though they'd died she would probably feel some resentment, then her brother was rarely around. Her handmaiden was her closest confidant, so if she vanished rapidly, that would undoubtedly leave a scar.

  “Just know that you can count on me,” she told Amy softly, wanting her to know that she understood. “I am not going anywhere.”

  It no longer mattered what anyone else did to her now, things were looking up.

  “Yes, Daisy, thank you.”

  They shared a moment where they simply looked at one another in understanding. Of course, Amy
would never learn how deeply Iris understood, but there was a bond beginning to form. It would take some time and some very careful nurturing, but the seed had been planted. The flower would grow in time.

  As Amy left to do her learning for the day, Iris smiled to herself and she set about tidying up Amy’s room. She had no idea if that was supposed to be in her duties, since she hadn’t ever been given a list, but she did it nonetheless. She found the organizing and cleaning therapeutic, and it was so much better than facing any of the other staff members at any rate.

  She hung up all of Amy’s dresses – the ones that she had decided not to wear – brushing them down far more delicately than she used to treat her own clothes as she did. Iris considered her own dresses as something to be feared when she was at home. When she was forced to wear them, Iris did not feel like herself, and that led her to despise them.

  Although Iris wasn’t sure if this was exactly her either. She hadn’t felt much like herself since she entered the Oakley household. She wouldn’t give up now, the determination was still there burning bright, but still, she wished that she felt more comfortable here. She wished that she had someone to speak to. She wished that she had a friend like Daisy.

  Trying to ignore this bit of turmoil that threatened an otherwise very positive day, Iris hummed to herself as she tucked the heavy curtains out of the way of the window. As the bright light streamed through the window, and it sparked rays over Amy’s lovely bedroom, Iris hummed that little but louder. It was almost as if the jaunty tune was telling her that everything would be okay...

  “Your breakfast,” Victoria suddenly announced glumly behind her, making her leap in fright. Iris had gotten so lost in her own thoughts that she forgot other people lived here, if only for a moment. “Do you want me to just leave it on the floor here?”

  The cook had taken to sending Iris’s food to wherever she was at the time. She felt certain that there was some perfectly valid excuse for that, should they be asked by someone of importance. Maybe they ‘did not want to disturb her duties’, or they ‘felt like she wanted to eat in isolation’, but to Iris the meaning was clear.