“I love you very much, Daisy.”
Ewan’s face moved nearer to hers, Iris could feel her lips tingling with anticipation.
“I love you too, Lord Oakley.”
“Please, like I told you, call me Ewan.”
All of a sudden, Ewan’s lips had gently brushed up against Iris’s and she felt even more wonderful than she knew possible. Even in all of her daydreams, a kiss had never felt so wonderful.
As Ewan pulled back, Iris fell into the deep pool of his eyes. There was so much warmth there, a tenderness that she loved. How could she not love this man? He was everything that she’d ever dreamed and more.
“Why were you so cold before?” Iris could not help but ask. “Was it the shock of seeing me in your home?”
“Actually no.” Ewan took a step back and he let go of Iris’s hands. She felt cold and lost without him, but she didn’t want to push things by reaching out from him once more. “I knew that you were going to be here?”
“You did?” Iris didn’t even know that she was going to end up here, how could Ewan have predicted it?
“Yes, because I know everything.” He paced the room, circling Iris. “I know that you aren’t who you say you are. I know that you aren’t a maid, you’re a lady.” Iris’s breath caught in her throat as she realized that her worst nightmare was coming true. “Lady Iris Warwick in fact.”
“No, no, no.” Iris’s brain swam, the room twirled and spun around her. She could barely see Ewan anymore, never mind stand up. “No, I didn’t mean... you weren’t supposed to... No, I’m...” How could she explain herself? Ewan wasn’t supposed to find out this way. “I’m sorry, I...”
“Do you really think that sorry is good enough?” Ewan spat out, sounding so angry that he was about to explode. “After what you have put me through? Did you even think about anyone else? What about your family? Your sisters? The Duke?”
“No, I know, I’m sorry,” Iris wailed as the tears threatened to spill. “I did not think. I should have, but I was afraid.”
“You were scared to get married?” Ewan’s voice was coming from all around her, she had no idea where he was even standing anymore. “Did you not think about what would happen when you got found out? A wedding that you might not want will be much better than what could happen now.”
“I know, I know, I’m sorry. Please...”
“Please don’t tell?” Iris had to squeeze her hands against her head to block the sound out. Ewan was yelling now, the sound bounced through the whole house. “I cannot keep this a secret; this is the juiciest gossip that England has ever seen. People will be talking about this for years.”
“But, I love you, Ewan.” Why couldn’t she see Ewan? Where was he? “I thought you loved me too.”
“I love Daisy. I do not even know you. You are a stranger to me.”
“No, I am still the same girl.” Iris could feel herself falling. The light was becoming a pinhole. She reached through the air, trying to grab onto something to keep her upright, but there was nothing. “I’m still me, Ewan.”
“You’re not,” he yelled. “You aren’t you.”
“No, she’s not,” Daisy’s voice burst out from somewhere. “She’s not me. I am the one that you’re really in love with.”
“No, Daisy, please don’t do this.”
"Just forget her." There was Elizabeth. She sounded angry too. "She tried to ruin us all, Ewan, you deserve so much better."
“Elizabeth? Help me...”
“She lied.” Was that Alice? “She lied to all of us. She doesn’t deserve any of us.”
“I know I don’t... I didn’t mean to... help me!”
The world was shrinking; Iris was still falling. She could feel a deep blackness coming for her and she didn’t want to succumb to it. Not yet, not when there was so much to sort. She needed to make everyone understand why she had gone through with the switch, she needed everyone to understand how guilty she felt about it now.
“I’m sorry...”
What? Iris jumped up in her bed with sweat pouring from her forehead. Her pulse raced so quickly that it was all she could hear. What just happened? She was in the hallway, everyone was there, they were all yelling at her for everything that she'd done wrong. Even Daisy was there, hating her...
Oh. It was a dream, it had to be. Iris was in her bed, staring up at the familiar four walls, and there wasn’t anyone in the room with her. It was her own guilt making her feel terrible.
Iris stood and wandered around the room as she let that dream wash over her. She knew that it was a terrible idea to lie, she'd been aware of that from the start, but still, she hadn't totally thought the consequences right through. She had considered the impact on her and Daisy, but not everyone else. Now it was more clear than ever that she needed to see Elizabeth.
The sun was starting to rise in the sky which meant it was too late to get back to sleep, so Iris left her room to get some warm water from the basin. She needed to wash herself, to try and make herself cleaner on the outside than she felt inside. Her insides felt too dirty to even speak of.
Luckily Iris was the only one awake which meant she could grab her water and return to her room without having to speak to anyone. Once inside she stripped herself down and she ran the washcloth over her body. While scrubbing her skin, Iris realized just how urgent it was that she got to her sister before anything happened. All of her worst fears had now been very clearly realized, and she needed to at least try to put things right.
What will I say? She thought desperately to herself. I need a valid excuse to get away.
Iris tried to recall if any of the staff in her home had ever needed time off. It was a shame that the only person that she could really remember was Daisy, and she hadn’t ever been away from the house. She had no previous information to work from.
Would a family emergency work? Maybe an illness in the family, or even a death? It was a terrible lie, but surely that would be good enough to warrant a trip back to the city? It was all that she could think of, for now, so she had to hope that it would work.
* * *
It took all morning for Iris to work up the courage to say anything to anyone. Unfortunately, it was Alice that she spoke to, not Ewan.
“My father has been very sick.” She gulped as she lied, hating the way that it sounded. “My sister fears that he might die soon, I do not know what to do.”
“Did your sister write to you?”
“She did. I received the letter yesterday, what do you think that Lord Oakley would say if I asked him for some time off to go back home?”
“He will not mind. I am sure Amy will not mind either.” Of course! Iris had not even considered the idea of speaking to Amy. That was terribly wrong of her, it would be her most affected after all. “Go and speak to him.”
“But I have only just started working here, do you think that will work against me?”
Alice touched Iris’s shoulder and gave her a comforting squeeze. “I do not know what happened in your last home, but the Lord believes that family is very important. He will want to help you in any way that he can. If you need to go and tend to your sick father, he will allow it.”
“Yes, alright, I hope that you are right.” Alice’s words did make Iris feel a little more confident, but she still feared that her previous association with Ewan would work against her... especially after her dream last night. “Maybe I will speak to Amy first.”
Of course, as to be expected Amy was wonderful with Iris. As she explained her fake situation – using her real life experience to help her to get through the lie – she comforted her, insisted that she must go to see her father, and even said that she would speak to her brother on Iris’s behalf.
Admittedly, Iris was tempted. She could let Amy do the hard work for her, leaving her free to go back home with ease, but in the end, she refused. She could not go back home and return leaving things so up in the air. She needed to make things right with Ewan or she might not be able
to come back at all. Elizabeth might ask her to stay with her, and Iris might be tempted to never return if things were still so strange.
No, she would arrange a meeting and she would speak to Lord Oakley herself. Maybe if they just acknowledged what had happened back in the hallway of the Warwick household then they could move on.
It would not be what Iris wanted, but it was better than things being challenging.
“Mr. Shipman?” she enquired as she finally came across him in the hallway. “Can you please let me know when Lord Oakley is free? I have urgent business that I need to speak with him about.”
At first, he sighed loudly, which gave Iris the distinct impression that he was about to refuse her. Yes, they were not friends, but she thought that they had come to a place where they could at least be civil with one another.
“Yes,” he finally declared with gusto. “I will find out what his schedule is and let you know.”
Phew. That was another difficulty that she didn’t want to come back to.
“Thank you very much, I really appreciate it.”
The ball was rolling now; the plan was forming. Now Iris just had to find a way to make it work in the way that she so desperately needed it to.
Chapter 22
Knock, knock.
As Iris stood outside Ewan’s office, beating her hand against his large, hard door, her heart beat faster than it had ever gone before. She had planned exactly what she wanted to say when she found herself face-to-face with him, but since there was no telling which way this would go she still felt like she was on a terrifying roller-coaster of emotions. This was one meeting that she could not prepare for.
He will be reasonable, Iris tried her best to convince herself. Alice said that he is kind, Amy has reassured me, even Victoria told Daisy that Lord Oakley was nice.
“Come in,” Ewan called, after only a beat. His voice sounded cool and calm now, but Iris knew it would not always be that way. She had not sent word that she was coming, but Mr. Shipman had informed her that Lord Oakley had some free time now, so it seemed best to just go for it. Only now when it was too late did Iris doubt her crazy plan.
There was no turning back now!
Iris pushed the door open, cringing as it creaked loudly, and she peered inside to see Ewan sitting behind a desk. His head was bent, but his eyes flicked up to meet hers as soon as she started speaking. She felt that bolt of electricity once more, but she tried to push it to one side for now.
“I am sorry to trouble you, Lord Oakley, may I request a moment of your time?” Her father had never been included to let any of the serving staff into his office, but Iris did not think that Ewan would be that way. “If it is not a good time, I can come back?”
Ewan narrowed his eyes at her. He gave Iris a distant look as if she was just another stranger. Her heart dipped low as she got this look, it didn’t seem fair when all she could really think about was their night together, but what could she do about it? She wasn’t really here for that right now anyway. She had something much more important to deal with.
“You may come in now,” he finally declared with a deep sigh, as if he did not really want to deal with Iris at this moment. “Please, take a seat.”
Iris took a quick glance around the room as she moved through it. The white walls were clean and tall, and there were two long thin windows allowing the natural light to fill the room. He had a lamp on his desk, but most of his work was done by the daylight. In between two of those windows hung a small clock that ticked very noisily. Iris wondered if this gave Ewan a terrible headache as he worked.
Ewan’s desk was much longer than her father’s, and it had chairs all along it which felt much more inviting. There was also a very large bookshelf behind Ewan, and Iris really wanted to examine them all in turn, but there just wasn’t time. She had a job to do.
“Th... thank you for seeing me,” Iris stuttered as she moved to take a seat. Everything that she’d planned saying flew right out of her head. “I am sorry to trouble you; I know that you are a very busy man.”
“What is this regarding?” His tone was wary, which made Iris clam up instantly.
“Oh well, I was not sure whether or not you wanted to talk about the last time we met...”
"The first time I saw you, we were inside of my home," Ewan shut Iris down with a few hard words. “That is all there is to say about the matter.”
“Oh right, okay.” Iris felt very put out by that, but if it was what he wanted then she would ignore their past too. It hurt her deeply, she didn’t like the way it made her feel inside, but she would not let him see that. “Well, actually there is another matter that we need to discuss.”
“And what is that?” Ewan shuffled his papers, making it clear that he had a lot to do.
“My...” Iris gulped, hating the fact that she had to lie to the one person who made her feel alive. Somehow, spinning this line to Ewan felt more challenging than when she had done it to anyone else. “My father is sick.” Her eyes flickered towards the ground, she could not stand to look at him. “My sister fears that he might die. I know it is a lot to ask, but I would like some time to go and visit him, if I may?”
“Oh.” Ewan sounded shocked, this was not what he had been expecting at all. It made him feel bad for trying to ignore the connection that he had with the lovely woman, but having her in his home made it that much more challenging. “I see. Have you consulted Lady Oakley about this?”
“She has suggested that she will be fine without me for a short while.” Iris still could not drag her eyes upright. Her entire body trembled with fear. “I know I am asking too much. I feel terrible about the timing but I really feel like I must get to visit him as soon as possible.”
“And where does your father live?”
“In the city.” Iris secretly crossed her fingers for luck underneath her chair. “I will organize a carriage to take me there.”
“No, you will not,” Ewan shook his head as he talked. “I cannot have that.”
“I know this is awkward, but I would like to spend some time with my father before he passes.”
Iris felt indignant as she talked. This did not feel like the sort of subject that she should have to defend herself on. It might have been a lie, but as far as Ewan knew her father was dying and he would not let her go. She felt like she was being punished for dancing with him at the ball, but he was as much of a part as that as her.
“Oh no, I understand that. I know that you need to be with your father.” Ewan shot Iris a small smile, but it was the friendliest that he has been with her since she had been under his roof. “What I mean is I do not want you organizing your own transport. I will sort a carriage for you. In fact, I am returning to the city myself next week to complete my business. I will escort you.”
“You do not need to do that.” Immediately Iris panicked. How was she supposed to complete her secret mission with Ewan by her side? "I will be fine alone, I travelled down by myself."
“I know that, but you are under my care now. I would like to ensure that you are safe on your journey. It makes sense if I am travelling in that direction too. I will take my own carriage of course, but I will be on the same journey as you.”
Ewan had no idea why he was being so insistent with this beautiful young woman sitting before him, he did not usually care so much about his staff, but there was something about her that brought out his fiercely protective side. He was supposed to be keeping far away from Daisy, she was too much of a temptation for him, but the thought of her going all that way by herself was unbearable.
It was just lucky that he could control himself. He had let himself slip at the ball in the Warwick home, but he would never allow that to happen again. However beautiful this lady was.
“Oh right.” Iris was not sure if she could disagree with such a reasonable request. Especially from her boss. She wanted to, but she could not think of a reason on the spot. This was an unexpected turn of events. “Erm, yes, that will be fine.�
�� Maybe she should just agree now, then she could think of an excuse later. “But it is imperative that I leave very soon.”
“It is for me too. My business is very time sensitive.” Ewan wasn’t unkind as he stated this, but his tone was incredibly firm. “I will contact you again as soon as the arrangements are done.”
For a few moments, they simply sat there staring at one another as if they were both waiting for the other person to back down. Iris kept parting her lips as her voice box was desperate to speak. She wanted to know exactly how things would be between them considering what had happened before, but since they were clearly not discussing it she could not ask.
Iris hated how handsome Ewan was, because it made it so much harder for her to keep herself together. His deep eyes reminded her of all the hope she felt on that night. The fact that she knew how wonderful it felt to have those arms wrapped around her reminded her of how deeply she felt. Even the way that he whispered ‘I love you’ in her dream made her recognize that actually it was love that she felt for this man too.
She did not think that love would happen for her now, she assumed that it was far too late, but now it had in the cruellest way possible. Maybe as a punishment for tricking Duke Pembroke, fate had caused Iris to love a man that could never feel the same way about her.
"Is there anything else?" Ewan asked while folding his arms across his chest. He needed to create a barrier between himself and Daisy before he acted out of character again. “Or is that our business concluded for now?”
“Yes, I suppose it is.” Iris scraped back her chair to leave. “Thank you very much for seeing me, Lord Ewan, and thank you for your kindness too. I appreciate everything that you have done for me today.”
Then she bobbed into a curtsy once more. It still felt strange to act so formally around a man that she had shared a close, intimate moment with, but he had let her see that he only wanted to behave as strangers, so the formality was essential.
The Duke of My Heart (Regency Romance) Page 17