by Rachel Shane
Denise dropped the whisk into the bowl. “I hate you. You’re ditching me.” She flipped on the oven heat a little too aggressively. “What about being co-captain?”
I swallowed hard. “I was never going to win that.”
She frowned at me. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t know until today.” I bit my lip. I wondered if I would have told her. Lately it seemed I was doing more avoiding than spilling with her.
She scooped the thick batter into circular globs on a pan and slid it into the oven. It was always fun to guess what she would bake. Last time I thought she was making a cake, but she whipped up Baked Alaska instead. These looked like cookies, but I knew looks could be as deceiving as a cover story.
Denise joined me at the table. “Okay, I’ve waited long enough. I know there was a boy on the cruise. I could tell by your weird emails. Come on. Spill it.” She snapped her fingers, sending a dusting of flour onto the table.
I felt the sting of betraying tears gather at the enemy lines of my eyes, ready to attack me once again. I dug my nails into my palm under the table to feel something, anything, other than sadness. “There’s nothing to tell, D.” Except maybe what happened with Lonnie today, but that was completely innocent. Nothing happened.
Denise’s face slid into an over-exaggerated pout. I matched her expression, hoping my fake pout would cover the real one that wanted to be permanently attached to my lips. She eyed me. “I don’t believe you. You like to hide stuff when it’s exciting.” She leaned back. “So I’m just going to assume—”
The doorbell rang again.
“Oh!” She snapped her fingers in an awe shucks manner. “Saved by the bell. You lucky duck.”
I pushed myself up from the table. “I told you. There’s nothing to tell.”
Not anymore.
When I went back in the living room to get the door, Lara watched my every move. She wore a weird grin on her face and I knew that she had heard every word of my conversation with Denise. I didn’t know what that grin meant. I’m going to tell Denise about Finn if you don’t. Or: I’m glad you quit your job this summer. Or even, What are you hiding now?
This time when I opened the door, I found Ali Montauk standing on the front steps, carrying a bouquet of flowers and a wrapped box with a ribbon around it. She smiled way too big when she saw me, showcasing her expensive set of perfect teeth. “Oh hey, Kase. Missed you today. Is Lara home?”
Where else would she be?
“Ali?” Lara called out, adding a squee. Ali matched the squee and ran inside.
The two of them proceeded to speak in a foreign language of squeals and mumbles that somehow translated to Ali asking how Lara was.
“This is just a bump in the road,” Lara said. “Doc said I’ll be back to normal in no time. I even set up an audition at the end of the summer.”
“You’ll get it for sure.” Ali outstretched her arm behind her, away from Lara, holding out the flowers to the air. I realized a moment later she was holding them out to me to do something with them.
I could hear Denise bumbling around in the kitchen and the clang of pans banging together.
“I’ll get a vase,” I said, grabbing the flowers from her hand.
“No need. They’re fake.” Ali grinned at my sister. “So they’ll never die.”
I took the flowers and set them on the coffee table next to Lara’s stash of empty bowls. I wasn’t sure what else to do with them.
Ali shoved the wrapped box in Lara’s lap. “Open it. I call it a get well present. Incentive and all.”
I knew I should go back to Denise in the kitchen. Ali was Lara’s friend, not mine. But for some stupid reason, my feet decided to become as useless as Lara’s. I couldn’t move.
Lara opened the wrapping paper with precision, different from her usual style of tearing through it, and I wondered if she was apprehensive as to what she would find inside. I hoped it wasn’t something that reminded her of dance.
It was worse.
Lara pulled out a pair of sparkly five-inch stilettos, the kind that even strippers wouldn’t dare to wear.
“For when your hip heals!” Ali tapped Lara’s cast and Lara winced. Ali missed it.
Denise entered the room carrying a plate of cookies. They looked lackluster compared to her usual baked offerings and I wondered if she’d skipped on the rest of her culinary experiment to get these out as fast as possible. Before she could miss Ali’s visit.
Ali jumped up and hugged the girl she’d just seen a few hours before. “Oh wow, cookies! You rock!” Ali took the smallest of bites, then set the cookie back down on the plate. I felt stupid for scarfing two so fast, I didn’t even have a chance to blow on them to cool them.
“Oh!” Ali did a little hop on the couch, causing Lara’s leg to jolt. Lara grabbed it to steady it. “I forgot to tell you. Birthday party. Second week in August. You better be there! My parents are going away, so, you know. Rager and all.”
Lara glanced down at her leg. “I’ll be there. Without this stupid thing on.”
Ali turned back toward me. “Kasey, you can come too if you want, I guess.”
I noticed she didn’t mention anything to Denise and I had a feeling it was because Denise already knew about it. She’d received her invitation thoughtfully instead of as an after thought.
“The second weekend?” Lara said. “Don’t you have something that night, Kasey?”
She’d made my decision for me. I couldn’t go. “Yeah. Mom made me block that weekend off.” I lied way too easily these days.
“Sucks you can’t go.” Denise offered another pout. A minute of awkward silence followed before Ali excused herself. And Denise left with her.
“So you’re quitting?” Lara asked as I grabbed the plate full of cookies from the coffee table to bring back into the kitchen where I could devour the rest in peace.
I nodded at her, then held my breath. I wasn’t sure what I wanted. A thank you, maybe.
Instead she simply said, “Good.”
Later that night, I bit into the pizza my parents had delivered. I sat alone in the kitchen while the three of them ate in the living room. I could hear them laughing every now and then. Just as I was about to throw out my paper plate and retreat to the solitude of my room, Mom came storming into the kitchen. “You quit?”
“I—” I wasn’t sure what to say. I couldn’t read her deadpan expression. I meant to tell her the truth, but instead I said, “I was let go. They were overstaffed and since I was an alternate last year, they didn’t need me.”
Mom nodded once. “I know you were looking forward to working there this summer.”
I straightened in my chair, hoping she was about to commiserate with me, swipe away my tears like she used to do when I was a little girl. Or maybe she’d give me a compliment to push me forward once again, like she always did when Lara didn’t do well at an audition.
“But now your dancing won’t always be a reminder to Lara.”
Really, I shouldn’t have been surprised. I always knew my mom didn’t care about my dancing. I just hadn’t realized she didn’t care about me at all.
Displaying 1 out of 217 comments
Ali said…
That’s right. Your invitation was only out of courtesy. Too bad you didn’t stay away from the party out of courtesy.
“KASEY,” ALI CALLED TO me in the hallway. This seemed to be her favorite past time.
I pivoted to face her, eyebrows raised. “Let me guess. You hate me?” I pumped my elbow through the air. Several students laughed with me. “What do I win?” My new idea to help Lara, Denise, Lonnie, and even Ali gave me the confidence to stand up to her. There was something so invigorating about helping someone who didn’t deserve it. I finally had the upper hand over her.
She stomped toward me. “You made me sound oblivious and insensitive on your blog yesterday.”
“Your point?”
That earned a clap and a few hoots from the onlookers
.
“I’m not.” She outsplayed her wrists as if that revelation was obvious. “I thought long and hard on what would be the perfect give for Lara. Stop making me look like a bitch.”
“Don’t request something that’s impossible for me to achieve.” I stalked away to the sound of her scoffing. I didn’t have time for her anymore. I had an appointment to make.
Before I even had a chance to knock, Ms. Bell, the Guidance Counselor, waved me into her room.
“What can I do for you, Miss Fishbein?” Her hair had been slicked back into such a rigid ponytail, not a strand moved as her head bobbed.
“I know we do Career Day in the spring, but doesn’t it make much more sense to do it in the fall?”
She folded her arms over her desk. “Most students apply for summer internships in the spring, so there isn’t really a need to do it in both seasons.”
I set a piece of paper in front of her, which outlined my ideas. “It does if we also invite alumni. There are plenty out there looking for jobs right now.”
“That’s what I’m here for.” She squinted at the paper. “Alumni can call me at any time and I’m happy to help them in their job search.”
I shifted in my seat. She was making this difficult and this was supposed to be the easy part. “How many of them call?”
She hesitated for a moment. No matter what she said after that pause, I knew the truth. Not many. “Let’s back track a little.” She slid my paper aside. “Are you worried about not getting a job? I know it’s a stressful situation, leaving here, not knowing where you’ll end up.” She offered me a sympathetic smile, one that made her look more like a student than my superior. Though her age had something to do with that as well. “But perhaps you should focus on college applications instead.”
Considering my list of future career aspirations, I was actually worried. It seemed my options were limited to Stalker aka “Fake C.I.A. agent,” Disowned Family Member aka “Homeless,” and Hot Mess aka “Reality Show Contestant.”
“If it’s cost you’re worried about, I have a list of scholarships…” She pointed vaguely behind her toward a bulletin board covered in stapled packets of paper.
“That’s a good idea,” I said. If I made her think this was her idea, she might even believe it. “Colleges should be a part of it too. This way students can decide where to apply, maybe even do on-the-spot interviews.”
She tapped a finger to her pink frosted lips. “I guess that would have been useful when I was in school.”
Those were the magic words. I leaned in closer to her desk and set the paper back in front of her. “That’s only part of my idea…”
HEAVY MEDDLE
Posted by Kasey at 3:00 P.M.
Tuesday, September 16
Past Mood: Awkward
SAT Word Of The Day: Consort. Definition: Not the musical kind.
Settle a debate for me. Comment below if you think I portrayed Ali inaccurately in my last post.
“How was camp?” I asked Lonnie as we crossed the street and entered the park. Abundant trees replaced the dreary gray and brown buildings, everything turning soft and round instead of square and boxy. Fresh air was hard to come by in the city. The city usually smelled like car exhaust or fire from the food trucks that roasted nuts year round.
“Well, I didn’t miss much yesterday. The kids can barely play a G chord. It’s going to be a long summer.”
“That’s only because I won’t be there,” I said, then wanted to take it back. It sounded flirty. I wasn’t trying to be flirty. I was trying to be someone else.
He pursed his lips and studied me out of the corner of his eye. By the time we reached the concert arena, a large crowd had already gathered around the stage. Most sat on blankets on the grass but a few stragglers stood on the sidelines, looking temporary.
Lonnie opened his messenger bag and pulled out a bed sheet that he spread on the ground in an empty spot just a little too far from the nearest concert-goer. The wind blew my hair around my face and sent the sheet curling upward, so we took off our shoes and weighted down the corners with them.
I felt awkward. This whole evening seemed way too much like a date. I had to say something, anything, to break the ice. “So, did anyone else miss me today?” I asked, attempting to be funny. It sounded desperate.
Lonnie’s face fell. “Um…I’m just going to say yes and you’re going to believe me.”
“Oh no? No one even realized?” Only one day and they’d already forgotten I’d existed. I shouldn’t be too surprised.
“I overheard a few of the girls.” He stopped drumming on the sheet. “Remember how I told you I wasn’t going to ask what happened with your sister?”
I nodded warily.
“I think you should employ that same strategy with this question.”
I scooted closer to him. “Now I need to know. It’s okay, I quit for a reason. I don’t care.” My smile wavered and it took gargantuan effort to keep it from slipping into a frown.
He watched me for a moment and my act must have been convincing because he gave in. “They were complaining about you quitting, saying you were leaving them high and dry and all that. Don’t worry about it. It’s mud.”
“Mud?”
“Made up drama. Isn’t that what you girls do best?”
“Well, we know what I do best wasn’t dancing.”
We both laughed and after that, we chatted easily like we had done the day before, even as the orchestra serenaded us. I loved that he never asked about Lara unless I volunteered the subject. That was why I agreed to meet him the next day. And the one after that.
On days I was really down, he came up with fun and free ways to distract me from being upset that Lara refused to speak to me: watching his band practice, walking the High Line, window shopping. He was my partner in crime, replacing Denise as I tried to replace Finn.
I’d spoken to Denise a few times after I abandoned camp for the summer but the phone calls were always awkward. She’d want to tell me something about camp and I’d change the subject. She’d ask about Lara and I’d give her a brief update—She started using crutches—and I’d change the subject. She would gush about the boy she was crushing on…and I’d change the subject.
It got to the point where we had nothing to talk about anymore. We had nothing in common.
Which was why I felt awkward dialing her number a few weeks later. My fingers glided over the keys of my phone with muscle memory, but my heart beat fast like I was calling her for the first time.
“Hey, I only have a sec,” she said into the phone, not even bothering with a hello. In the background, I could hear a few girls giggling. That could have been me in the background.
My chest ached. “It’s okay, I was wondering about Ali’s party.” If I’d learned one thing from Ali and Denise’s visit earlier in the summer, my sister wouldn’t be rude to me in front of her friends. She wouldn’t risk looking like a bitch. No one would help her get auditions if they didn’t like her. Ali’s party next week was my best shot at getting Lara to actually listen to me.
“Oh my God, I did not say that!” Denise shouted, clearly to the others in the room. Then, more softly. “Sorry, Kase, I didn’t hear what you said.”
“Never mind, you’re busy.” I twisted the ends of my hair into a knot around my finger.
“No, it’s okay, hold on, let me go into another room.” She told the other girls she’d be right back and then a few moments of silence followed before she said, “What did you say?” This time in a whisper.
“Ali’s party. I was wondering—”
“Ugh, Kase, I forgot to tell you. I told him about the party all casual, like, ‘yeah a lot of people will be there. You should check it out.’ And you know what he said?”
“See you there?” My eyelashes fluttered closed as I waited for the obvious answer. My reaction surprised me.
“No! He said he wasn’t sure if he could make it! What the hell?” She tsked into the phone. �
��Not cool, Kasey, not cool.”
I couldn’t help it, I smiled. “Well, what if I said I could make it.”
I expected her to squeal in delight. Instead, she went silent.
“Hello?” I asked, as I plopped onto my bed, my heart pounding.
“Well, I told Ali I’d come over early and help her set up. I can ask her if you could join, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind.”
I had a feeling the opposite was true. And besides, if Ali knew I was going to go, I was pretty sure she’d tell Lara. And then the whole plan would backfire.
“You know what, I’m an idiot. I just remembered Mom needed me that night. You have fun.”
Suddenly, the thought of losing my best friend was another loss I didn’t want to add to my ever-growing roster. I could make this right, easily. And Ali’s party would be the perfect place to do it. Even if I had to go there myself.
Displaying 4 out of 10 comments.
Crista said…
Ali’s a really sweet girl. I agree with her, you made her seem like a bitch.
Amanda said…
You captured Ali’s hosebeast qualities nicely!
Anonymous said…
Not accurate…but only because you toned her down.
Finn said…
My opinion doesn’t count. Or does it? (It counted in E156 anyway.) *wink*
DENISE DIDN’T GET OUT of dance practice until four P.M., but I loitered outside her building as soon as school ended just in case. Even though I got the school on board, my idea wouldn’t work without her. If she wouldn’t say more than a few sentences to me in public, maybe she’d be more inclined in private. It was the opposite of the ambush I’d done to Lara.
As I sat on her stoop, I flipped my phone over and over in my hands, thinking about the comments on the last post. I’d vowed not to let commentors impersonating “Finn” or “Clark” get to me. I knew it was just Ali or someone else in school messing with me. But this commetor was different, despite still coming from a generic cell phone. He knew something no one else could have known.