by Rachel Shane
My room number from the cruise.
What if it really was Finn and this was his way of reaching out to me, testing the waters?
Before I could chicken out, I typed Finn’s email address into a new compose window on my phone. My heart thumped wildly as I entered three simple words into the body of the email: Was it you?
They weren’t the three words I wanted to say, not by a long shot. Not even my second choice of I miss you.
I jammed my eyes shut and held my finger down on the send button. My breath came out ragged. I shoved my phone back into my bag. Out of sight, because I was out of my mind.
At four thirty, Denise rounded the corner. When she caught sight of me, she pulled back her shoulders and marched toward me.
“You’re stalking me now?” She brushed right past me.
“Please hear me out. I want to help you.”
She scoffed as she raced under the awning to the door. “I think you’ve done enough.”
I followed her. “With Lonnie, I mean.”
She whipped her head toward me. “Did you tell him I like him?”
I held up my hands in surrender. “Not exactly. I can explain.”
She breathed in and out heavily, rummaging in her purse for her key. “I’m only inviting you in because I want answers.”
Inside the elevator, upbeat music provided us a happy soundtrack while we stood as far apart from each other, neither of us daring to look anywhere but straight ahead. The doors popped open and we both let out a breath.
Once inside her apartment, Denise led me into the formal living room, not her bedroom where we usually hung out. The flowered-print blue sofa and the velvet drapes seemed as stuffy as the tension between us. She perched on the edge of the sofa as if she needed to be ready to spring up at any moment. I didn’t feel comfortable enough to sit down, so I leaned against the wooden piano.
“Look, Denise…He’s interested. He wants to get to know you.”
She pushed her lips to the side. “And how exactly do you know he’s interested? Why would he tell you?”
“The nine A.M. thing. He figured it out,” I said and she started to shake her head at me. I rushed the rest of my explanation out. “I know I promised not to reveal your secret and I didn’t. But I was hoping he would catch on.” I took a deep breath. “I think you two would be perfect together.”
I couldn’t have Finn. But I also couldn’t have the next best thing either.
She stood up. “And what about you?”
I pushed myself off the piano in defense, ready to cut her off before she tried to flee the room. “We’re just friends. I promise, you’ll understand when you read the last blog post.”
She eyed the couch and the exit to the living room, as if trying to decide which she should side with. “I don’t understand why you won’t just tell me. Right here. Right now.”
Because then I’d have to look her in the eye as I told her the things she would hate me for.
Denise paced the room, treading lines in the beige carpet. “Actually, I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me any of it when it happened. I could have been there for you. That’s what friends do. Instead you shut me out of your life, you betrayed me, and I thought it was my fault.”
I twisted my hands together. “I know my reaction to things sucked. But I’m really trying to fix it now. Starting with setting you up with Lonnie. Do you still like him?”
She buried her face in her hands. “God, I’m pathetic.” She heaved a sigh and sunk in to couch, cradling her knees in her arms. “What did he say about me?”
I sat down next to her. “He wants to get to know you. And I have the perfect way to do that. But I’ll need your help in convincing the dance team.”
She shook her head. “They’re not going to want to help you.”
“Do you?”
She picked at her red painted nails, avoiding my eyes. “That’s a loaded question. I want to help Lara. And I can’t help it, I want the guy. But—”
“So don’t tell them I’m involved then.” I cut her off before she could tell me she didn’t want to help me. “Pass it off as your idea for another fundraiser. Do you still have more to raise for Nationals?”
“Three thousand.”
I nodded. “They can have all the profits.” That was my way to make it up to them for quitting the team. They were stronger without me anyway. They had a better chance to win.
“Well, I’m sure whatever your idea is, it’s better than Ali’s next fundraiser stroke-of-brilliance.” Judging by the Team t-shirt fiasco, I knew whatever Ali had up her sleeve would be embarrassing for me. “Fine. Count me in.”
I ran a finger over the canvas fabric of the sofa, circling a tiny white flower. “There’s one more thing. I can’t really post the next—the last—blog post until I have your permission.”
“Uh oh.”
“To reveal your crush.” I forced myself to confront her head on instead of glancing away.
She kept her face stoic, like she’d been expecting this. “Another ultimatum. You’re starting to become famous for those.”
“If Lonnie reads this post, he’ll get over what happened. I know it.”
She sighed. “He already knows I like him. I guess I don’t have anything else to lose. I need answers just as much as he does, I’m sure.”
The first genuine smile she’d caused since the summer popped onto my face.
Now I just had to get Lonnie and Lara on board. Lonnie would be easy, Lara….not so much.
FEE FI FAUX PAS
Posted by Kasey at 7:48 P.M.
Wednesday, September 17
Past Mood: Tipsy
SAT Word Of The Day: Beset. Definition: This party made sure I’d be set for the rest of the school year.
This is it, folks. The last stop on our tour. I have nothing to reveal after this.
I have nothing left.
I was just going to a party, I tried to remind myself. With all my friends. It would be fun.
I could lie to others but not myself. This time deep breaths weren’t cutting it. I needed something stronger. Liquid courage.
While Mom and Dad helped Lara into a cab, I watched from my upstairs window and downed stolen vodka from the liquor cabinet. When I left an hour later, all I received in terms of a goodbye from Mom was a reminder of my curfew. I used to get lectures about staying safe in Manhattan but apparently she didn’t care anymore if I got mugged, only that I got home on time.
I gripped the railing for dear life as I exited the subway. Lonnie was already waiting for me at the top. Turned out he only told Denise he wasn’t sure if he could go…because he wasn’t sure if he had plans with me or not. I had to walk with my hands pulling down my skirt as the cool evening breeze tried to Marilyn Monroe me several times. When I approached him, a musky scent replaced the pungent odor of the city. He was wearing cologne. An entire bottle’s worth.
And carrying an acoustic guitar on his back.
I pointed at it, my arm moving up and down instead of staying steady. “We’re going to a party, not camp remember. I can see how you might be confused.” I giggled at my joke.
He hiked the black case higher onto his shoulder. “You never know when there’s going to be a guitar emergency. Best to be prepared.”
“Do you have a gig afterward or something?”
“Funny you should mention that.” He nodded at the green light and we crossed the street. I wobbled a little bit and outstretched my arms to keep my balance. The streets were just as wibbly-wobbly as motion sickness on the cruise. “On Tuesday. At this club we’ve been trying to play at forever.” He pumped his arm in excitement.
“Wow, giving you a Tuesday night instead of a weekend. Big time.” I grinned at him, then proceeded to trip.
He nudged me with his shoulder. “Hey now. Tuesdays are quite popular with our fanbase. A.k.a., our friends. Speaking of…you in?”
“Wouldn’t miss it.”
The straight lines of
the buildings began to waver and dance in the air. I wanted to curse at them for dancing when I couldn’t anymore. I stopped and watched their performance and Lonnie watched me.
“You okay?” He pushed me forward.
I meant to say, “Yeah” but it came out more like an incoherent scream.
“Oh geez. You started without me. Got any to share?”
I handed him what was left of the vodka I’d put in my water bottle.
“Awesome. I hate going to parties sober.”
We passed the bottle back and forth as we crossed street after street. While Lonnie rang Ali’s doorbell, I pulled at my dress. Suddenly I realized it fit all wrong. Too short on the bottom and too loose on the top. No one answered, so we pushed the door open, which was hard to do with all the bodies blocking it. Lonnie and I squeezed into the only empty space we could find in the front room.
He leaned in to whisper and his breath tickled my ear. “Lara or keg?”
One would help me with the other. “Keg.”
His guitar bounced behind his back and nearly smacked into people as he navigated through the crowd. Two steps later, a couple cut us off and blocked my way. Lonnie stopped and waited for me to maneuver around them. When I rejoined him, he grabbed my hand.
The sudden gesture sent my heart spiking, but for the wrong reason. It reminded me of Finn. My hand had been empty for so long that I almost let go.
Almost.
In the kitchen, a few people leaned against the granite counter and some guy fiddled with an iPhone in a dock. When he pressed a button, the song changed and an equal number of boos and cheers erupted from the crowd. Much to my luck, the stupid Katy Perry song came on.
I covered my ears with my palms. “I hate this song.”
“You’re fired.” Lonnie shooed him out of the way and pulled the iPod off the doc. A jerk of silence turned up the volume on angry complaints before Lonnie switched the music to his own iPhone. Soon a chill male singer crooned and the crowd swayed along. Lonnie set his guitar down next to the dock and joined me back at the keg.
“Better?”
I handed him a beer I’d filled. It was mostly foam. “Definitely.”
Lonnie eyed the cup suspiciously. “Is there beer in here? Or is this your attempt at sobering me up?”
“All my drinks can’t be as good as vodka from a water bottle.”
“So.” Lonnie placed an arm over my head, resting it on a cabinet and closing me in against the counter. “Lara?”
“Yeah…I should probably find her.” I should also probably get out from behind Lonnie’s arms. I took another sip. When I lifted my eyes above Lonnie’s shoulder, I spotted Denise staring at us from across the kitchen. Her mouth hung open before she snapped it shut and stalked off.
I pushed Lonnie out of the way and rushed after her. “Denise! Wait!”
She was so tiny she could slip through the crevasses of bodies unnoticed whereas I bumbled and bumped into them, weaving my way with apologies at every turn.
Denise stopped in front of me when we’d reached a crowded hallway. “You just don’t know when to quit. Oh wait, that’s the only thing you do know how to do.”
“I can explain. I brought him—”
Her eyes went wide and I knew that signal enough to snap my lips shut. When I turned around, Lonnie stood behind me, holding out the cup I’d left on the counter.
Lonnie glanced from me to Denise, then nodded a hello to her. She glowered at me for another moment before turning on her smile at him. I forced myself to leave the two of them alone. After all, this was the perfect opportunity to go find Lara. “I’ll be right back,” I said.
Lonnie cupped a hand on the small of my back and leaned in to my neck. “Don’t go too far.”
I couldn’t bring myself to look at Denise for her reaction. Instead, I turned my back to them and chugged the rest of the beer. I surveyed the dancing bodies. This was where I would have found Lara in the past, but obviously she wasn’t among them. I pushed my way through Ali’s ridiculously large apartment until I found the living room and the group of girls lounging on the couch inside.
And my sister at the center of their attention.
She had replaced the sensible shoes she’d worn here with the sparkly black stilettos Ali bought her. I took a deep breath, giggling as I wobbled toward them. I walked as well as Lara now.
“Oh, hey Kasey,” Crista said when she spotted me. She dipped a tortilla chip in the bowl of salsa on the coffee table. “What have you been up to?”
Lara’s head whipped in my direction and the pretty smile she wore disappeared. She dragged her eyes away from me and focused on Ali. “I thought you said she wasn’t coming.”
Ali’s eyes widened and she bit her lip as if she was trying to figure out what she did wrong. “D said she wasn’t! I swear. I can kick her out…” Ali started to rise from the couch, smoothing down her bandaid. I mean, her dress.
I didn’t feel it necessary to remind Ali that she had actually invited me herself when she was at my house. But that was when she thought Lara liked me. When she thought I was still someone she had to be nice to.
I stepped around the coffee table and squeezed past Crista’s legs, falling on top of her. I pushed myself back up using her shoulders for leverage, turning to my sister. “Lara, can I talk to you?”
Lara closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. “I have nothing to say to you.”
“Seriously, Lar, I can make her leave if you want.” Ali reached toward me like she planned to pick me up herself and throw me out the door.
Suddenly Lara’s lips stretched wide. “No, it’s fine. I mean, it’s a good deed, helping out charity cases and all. If not for this party, she’d have nothing else to do.”
When Lara laughed, Ali did too, and then the other girls chimed in. Crista backed away from the chips as if she didn’t want to make the wrong move and be shunned in a millisecond either.
“Oh my God, I know.” Ali gripped my elbow like we were old chums. “Remember that time we forgot her at that competition in New Jersey? No one even realized she was missing!”
A tickle formed in my throat at that memory. “Actually, Denise did. The bus only went to the end of the block…” But no one could hear me. They were too busy laughing and competing for their own horror stories about me.
Lara nodded along with them and with each nod, the color returned to her face. “At least she didn’t try to copy everything you did. Including joining the dance team.”
“Well, you know what I can do about that when school starts again.” Ali turned to me. “Be a dear and refill this for me.” She dangled an empty cup in my face and the other girls chuckled once again.
I knocked into Crista’s legs as I shuffled out from between the couch and the coffee table. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I wasn’t surprised my sister had turned her friends against me. Her friends. They were never mine, were they?
When I reached the kitchen, the music shut off abruptly and Lonnie stood in the center of the tile floor holding his acoustic guitar across his chest. The sound filtered through the speakers as he strummed, and I could see a cord connecting his guitar to his iPod. “Kasey, I wrote this song for you.”
I stopped in my tracks, but on the opposite side of the kitchen, Denise did too.
“All those times we talked without saying the truth.” Lonnie strummed the acoustic guitar to a fast rhythm. “I haven’t asked, but I’ve been playing the sleuth.”
Every person standing in the kitchen turned toward me.
“Thinking there’s something else you’re not saying.” Lonnie kept his eyes on me as he sang each lyric, but mine were locked on Denise’s horrified expression. “Keeping mum because you’re not sure I’m repaying.”
It went from comfortable to sweltering in the cramped space, and my dress decided to transform into tape and stick to my legs. I peeled the fabric away from my thighs, but it was no use. The heat was emanating from my cheeks.
&
nbsp; Lonnie strummed a single chord that lingered as he sang, “But I’ve been keeping a secret too.” He walked toward me. My legs battled a war between backing away and standing still. “It’s abooooouuuuut you.”
I forced my eyes away from Denise and met Lonnie’s. The rhythm of the song picked up pace once again.
“Kasey, if only you could see.” He closed his eyes for the next few lines. He reminded me of his muse he’d brought me to see in the subway, so dedicated the rest of the world fell away. All that mattered was the music. “That you are clearly the one for me. So stop this nonsense and let us be.” He opened his eyes again, pinning me with a gaze so intense, I gravitated toward him.
“You and me.” He arched an eyebrow. “Kaaaaaaseeeeey.”
Denise ran out of the room, huffing as she went. In order to follow her, I had to bypass Lonnie. As soon as I stepped around him, he grabbed my arm. He tugged my body toward his, the guitar hanging limply between us. My ears rung in the abrupt silence. Before I could stop him, he sunk his lips into mine.
And the worst part was…I kissed him back.
I wanted to kiss him back. I wanted to grab his shoulders and pull him closer to me and feel the weight of his chest pressing against mine. I wanted to run my fingers through his mess of hair. I wanted to forget the party and especially the other people watching us and my best friend who’d liked him for years.
But I didn’t want to be a horrible person anymore, the kind of person who took the things others wanted and kept them for herself.
At least in this one area, I could do the right thing.
I broke away from Lonnie and ran after Denise.
My lips stung as I pushed people out of my way in search for her. Faces blurred by me. The room was spinning. Time seemed to stand still and accelerate all at once until I found her near Ali’s bedroom.
She looked ready for battle. Her crossed arms resembled a weapon. I opened my mouth to speak, but Denise beat me to the punch. “I don’t want to hear it.”
“I didn’t mean for that to happen, I swear.” More lies. I needed an addiction patch like smokers use. I wiped the sweat from my brow and placed my palm against the wall. It slid down.