Tangled Dreams

by Jennifer Anderson

  “Yeah, it really was. This diary made the days more bearable though.” Looking down at it with appreciation.

  “Your lucky you have that left of him.”

  “Yeah I know. But, the last note he left me the day before he died I haven’t been able to get myself to read yet.” Saying sadly.

  “Why not?”

  “I know it makes no sense and sounds really stupid but, it’s because he would really be gone.”

  “Oh Madison.” Saying with a sad voice.

  “Gavin don’t. I don’t need your sympathy. I need a friend.”

  “You know you have that.”

  “I hope. I also think it’s time to read it. I think I’m finally ready.”

  Sitting up on the bed I placed it on my lap and stared at it. Gavin looking at me must have realized that I needed help.

  “Do you want me to read it to you?”

  Looking at the sincerity in his face I realized that it would be the easy way out but also nice to share it with someone I cared about. After all, I need to learn to start trusting again. “Yes, I would.”

  Handing it over to him I noticed that he looked surprised. “Are you sure?”

  “Positive.”

  Opening it up he flipped it to the back of the book, looking for the last passage that was written.

  To: My dear baby girl Maddie

  I’m sorry to hear your day went so badly. Remember, tomorrow is a new day. Soon it will be the weekend and we can go to the theater like I promised. Then the whole weekend is yours to plan however you want. I’m yours the whole weekend as promised. Don’t forget you birthday is coming up soon, you need to start thinking about what you want. And nothing is not an answer I’m going to accept this year. After all you will be seventeen. My little girl is growing up and I couldn’t be prouder of you. It’ll always be me and you against the world. No matter how old you are, you’ll always be my little girl. Well, I’m tired Maddie I’ll try to get off work a little early tomorrow so we can spend a little time together. I love you sweetie.

  Love, Dad.

  Gavin finished, looking up at me. I picked a place on the wall to stare at.

  “He got off work early to come home and see me when he was killed by a drunk driver. He always tried to leave early on Wednesdays, so we could see each other. He said the rest of the week went faster when he got to spend a little time with his girl in the middle of it. So, he left early because of me, and now he’s not here.”

  “Madison….”

  “No you don’t have to say it. I’ve heard it. My head tells me it’s not my fault, but my heart won’t listen.”

  “So you have been blamed yourself this whole time?”

  “The facts can’t be disputed. If he hadn’t left early to come home it would have never placed him on that road with the drunk driver. He would have left later in the day.”

  “Madison, he loved you. You can’t blame yourself and he wouldn’t want you to.”

  “I know. I just can’t help it. I feel like everyone I love leaves me.”

  “You’ll always have me babe.” Smiling at me with that handsome face of his. “Whether you want me or not.”

  “Thanks, but you’ll be going off to college. Either way I’ll always be alone.”

  “Madison, you have my word as a half-witted farm boy.” Exclaiming in a twangy hillbilly voice. Turning serious, “I’ll always be here for you.”

  “Gavin, you can always make me laugh. How do you do it?”

  “Just good I guess.”

  Looking down at the journal, my thoughts turning even darker.

  “I do mean it Maddie.”

  “I know you mean it. However, life happens. We all get pulled away from each other eventually. It’s inevitable.”

  “Only, if we let it happen.”

  “I hope you’re right.”

  “Of course I’m right.” Saying with a flirtatious smile. “So, do you feel better?”

  “A little. Thank you. Thanks for just being you.” Reaching over and giving him a hug.

  “I think I deserve another hug for cheering you up.”

  “You think huh? Fine.”

  This time reaching over to me and yanking me up onto his lap with one quick swipe. Yelping, “That’s not fair.” Giggling, trying to wiggle free. Which only made him tighten his grip on me.

  “Who says I’m fair? Keep on struggling, your only making it more fun for me.” He said with a devilish grin on his face.

  “Well, we wouldn’t want that.” I quite struggling and stared at him studying his face that was only inches from my own.

  “Why are you looking at me like that for?”

  “Just wondering.”

  “Wondering what?”

  “What I did to deserve you.”

  “Madison, with talk like that, you’re going to get a kiss from me. I know that’s not what you want.” Turning serious fast.

  “Gavin it’s not like that.”

  “So, have you decided what I asked you then? About us getting involved and keeping it between us?”

  “Yes, I’ve decided. I just can’t betray the people who took me in like this. I’m sorry, I really wish this could be more.”

  “Babe, like it or not we are already involved. I’m crazy about you.”

  “I don’t know what to say to that Gavin.”

  “I don’t know if I can be around you and not touch you.” He said with an angry look in his eyes.

  “I’m sorry, but it has to be this way.”

  “So, I guess this means I have to let you go now.”

  “Yes, I suppose it does.” My heart breaking. My mind screaming a resounding no at me. “One more hug Gavin. Please.”

  Wrapping his arms around my waist he pulled me in close. Resting my head on his shoulder I didn’t want the moment to end. Dying inside, I felt like I was giving up the only person who genuinely cared about me. Wanting to tell him my feelings but, knowing I couldn’t. Breathing in deeply, I wanted to be near him forever. Given the manly scent of his cologne and his demeanour it was easy to set him apart from most boys. Not to mention the best looks of any boy I had ever seen. Knowing he was hardly a boy. Seventeen years old and he worked on the farm like a grown man. Feeling anger build up in me for having to let him go I willed myself to remember this moment and finally released him. Almost to tears again I was reluctant to show my face to him.

  Now both of us nervous, Gavin said the only other thing that was on his mind. Now choosing to ignore the pain in his heart, “So, when was your birthday?”

  “Um, well actually it was yesterday.”

  “Yesterday? Why didn’t you tell me?” Yelling at me now.

  “Honestly, it’s because I don’t care this year.” Swinging my gaze over to my big picture window.

  “Well, I care. I’m taking you in town tonight for your birthday. We’ll go out to eat then I’ll show you around a bit.”

  “You don’t have to do that. Besides, your mom will be disappointed if we are not here for supper.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it. Anyhow, I doubt she will care. She’ll be ticked that you didn’t tell her about your birthday anyhow. She will want you to celebrate in some way, and this is the way. My mother loves holiday’s and birthday’s, she eat’s that shit up.”

  “Oh, I’ll have to apologize.” Not used to anyone caring about my birthday other than my dad.

  “Yep, you will. Later. Now, you get dressed. Whatever you chicks do to get ready that is. Come get me when your ready to go.” Walking out quickly he gave me no time to argue. How well he know’s me already.

  Walking over to the closet I was fighting the butterflies in my stomach causing it to turn in apprehension. Telling myself how stupid I was being when we already agreed nothing can happen. It still wouldn’t hurt to look cute as I rummaged through my clothes. Carefully, I chose a fashionable floral mini skirt with a white shirt and sandals. Simple, but pretty. Walking over to my vanity mirror I combed ou
t my hair until it was soft wavy curls and tied it back into a long pony tail. Dabbed a little make-up on. I never like to cake it on. Looking into the mirror noticing the same milky complexion as my mother. Staring at a similar face as my mother I wonder if there was ever gonna be a time where it didn’t hurt seeing my mother staring back at me. “Looks is where it ends.” Saying to the person staring back at me in the mirror. I may look like my mother but I’ll never be like her.

  The ride into town wasn’t that long. I however, was mesmerized the whole time looking at the pastures that rolled by. Gavin on the other hand was mesmerized by her. Choosing to keep that fact to himself. Moments later we were pulling up to a stop in front of a small burger joint. Walking in, I scanned the room and there was a couple of pool tables in the back, a juke box in the corner with booths lining the walls. There were quite a few kids hanging out all over the place. As soon as we walked in we heard someone shouting.

  “Hey Gavin, what’s up man?” The kid walking toward us was just a little shorter than Gavin. He had blond spiky hair, blue eyes and a cute smile.

  “Hey Clay, not much. You?” Standing idle I could feel him staring at me.

  “Who is this gorgeous girl you have here?” Asking Gavin his eyes still on me.

  “Her name is Madison.” I could see the annoyance in Gavin’s face and it was obvious that he wasn’t liking the attention I was getting.

  “Nice to meet you.” Extending his hand out he held on to mine a moment longer than necessary. Knowing this fact did not get past Gavin. “My name is Clay.”

  “Nice to meet you to.” Saying nervously swinging my gaze down to my feet.

  “How do you know Gavin?” He asked his interest peaked.

  Stuttering for a second, I didn’t know what to say. I was living with my aunt and uncle but, technically Gavin wasn’t my cousin at all.

  Speaking up, “Madison is staying with us for a while.” Looking at him relieved that he saved me from answering what should be a simple question, but wasn’t at all.

  “Oh, cool. Well are you going to be going to our school then?” Clay asked poking around for information.

  “Yes I will.” Smiling, grateful that I was getting to at least meet a few of the students.

  Gavin becoming uncomfortable with Clay’s interest in her.

  “Great. Well, I’ll see you both later then.” Walking off, looking back and giving me one last glance up and down smiling.

  Grabbing her by the arm Gavin walked over to a booth annoyed at the scene that just happened in front of him. Hoping that this wasn’t a preview of the upcoming school year. I don’t know if I can handle guys ogling over her all year long.

  “What’s wrong?” Sitting across from him I could tell something wasn’t right.

  “Nothing.”

  “Are you sure? You look mad.”

  “I’m fine.” Saying to me shortly. “Now, what do you want for your birthday supper?”

  The mood changed more upbeat once the food got to the table. He loosened back up a bit and started telling me about school and the town and talked about light stuff. Once in a while I would glance over and notice Clay looking at me from where he was playing pool. Each time I noticed there was a different girl hanging on him or vying for his attention. Unfortunately, I noticed there was just as many girls staring at Gavin. Most looking like they were waiting for their chance to pounce on him. Needless to say I got a lot of dirty looks. Moments later a pretty blond haired girl came over giggling and smiling, leaning against the table with her back to me.

  “Hi, Gavin.” She said smiling sweetly, leaning into him she gave him a quick peck on the cheek before he could do anything about it.

  “Hi Brooke, what do you want?”

  “I just wanted to tell you hi Gavin. Didn’t you miss me this summer? I missed you sweetie.” She said trying her best to be sexy. Turning around before he had a chance to answer. “Oh I didn’t see you there.” Saying in a bitchy tone. “My name is Brooke. What’s yours?”

  “Madison..” Cutting me off

  “Nice to meet you.” Turning her back to me again.

  “Bye Gavin.” Walking away toward a bunch of girls shooting icy stares in my direction.

  “Girlfriend?” Now my turn to be annoyed.

  “No. She is an ex-girlfriend” He said nervously.

  “Well I don’t think she is aware of that.” I said with a little bit more bite than I intended.

  “She does know that. It’s just that she forgets.”

  “Do you? Sorry, none of my business.”

  “Madison, she’s not my girlfriend anymore.” Staring into my eyes.

  “Well, I guess it wouldn’t matter much if she was right?” Remembering the conversation we had earlier but immediately regretting saying it when hurt flashed in his eyes.

  “Guess not.” Pissed off now.

  “I’m sorry Gavin. I didn’t mean it like that. Don’t be mad.”

  Softening a bit, “It’s cool. Let’s just get out of here and go for a ride.”

  “Alright.” Getting up he put his hand on the small of my back as he led me to the door, glaring back at Clay as if laying claim to me.

  Gavin knew his friend Clay, if his interest was really peeked then it wouldn’t matter who laid claim to her.

  By the time we got outside it was starting to turn dark. Taking me through town, the high school looked tiny compared to what I was used to. It was one story with a parking lot directly in front of it. Flowers planted all along the front with high bushes. The back of the school had cornfields planted as far as you could see. There were softball and football fields to the right of it. I remembered thinking that I have never seen a school that looked quite like this. It definitely did not resemble my old school in any way possible. This one looked so peaceful and friendly. My old school was a three-story huge building that was always busy, and very cold looking with a faded exterior from the elements of the city. My school almost looked like a prison instead. Maybe, this won’t be so bad after

  My first day of classes came upon me like a whirlwind. Even though I’ve always liked school and did rather well, I never really liked the relentless drama that comes along with it. There are always the popular crowd, the jocks, the smart crowd, that were also sometimes referred to as “the nerds.” There are loners and the bullies that get their jollies out of putting everyone else down. Unfortunately, all school’s seems to have one. So, here I go getting thrown right in the middle of a new school having to try to fit into one of the crowds. When really the truth be told I don’t even care. Those things just are not as important to me now after losing dad. However, high school is all about survival and oh yeah, trying to make good grades in the process. So, dawn is now peaking through my windows waking me up. In the next room over I can hear Gavin stirring and the pitter patter of movements downstairs. Ever since Gavin and I made the decision to emotionally back off from each other, that also inevitably meant physically to. This process has been tearing me apart inside. The person I felt the least of a connection with when I first got here has been my only solid rock. Now, I feel like I’m losing that to. I guess I never knew how much I really depended on him, and enjoyed being around him until he wasn’t any longer.

  Getting out of bed to start the day I knew was going to be a real task however, it had to be done. I’d picked my clothes out the night before so I would look nice for my first day. I felt like I did on the first day of kindergarten and like that first day, I just wanted to scream and cry running into my daddy’s arms. But, I’m not in kindergarten and dad is not here. Now feeling like a lifetime ago. I have to suck it up and get on with it.

  The twins and I crawled up in the truck next to Gavin. The ride into town felt like it went on forever and was torture. After he dropped the girls off, that left us alone together. This was something that we had avoided since he took me to dinner for my birthday. It became uncomfortable and we forced small talk.

  “I’ll show you where the principles offi
ce is when we get there.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Are you nervous?”

  “Yes, very.” Fidgeting with my skirt nervously.

  The sad way she looked was breaking his heart and the part that sucked the most was he couldn’t do anything to console her. She chose this.

  “You look beautiful.” Doing his best to cheer her up.

  “Thanks.” Looking down at my hands closed up tighter than a clam.

  He knew when he was getting the blow off and he was definitely getting the blow off and had been for quite some time. This just pissed him off. He was able to get any girl he wanted, but never did act too much on it. Now finally, there is one girl I want and she doesn’t want me. Could life suck any harder? He asked himself.

  “Madison, you know I’ll be around if you need help finding a class or anyone gives you any problems.”

  “I know Gavin. I’ll be alright. I need to do this by myself.” Anxiety hitting me with the enormous task ahead of me.

  “Babe, why won’t you look at me?”

  Hearing the hurt in his voice was tearing me up inside. If he only knew how much it hurt to look at him but not be able to laugh or joke with him. Most of all to not touch him in fear of getting more attached. If he only understood.

  “I’m just nervous Gavin, it has nothing to do with you.” I knew it was a cold thing to say but, felt like it had to be done. If he looked hurt before it was nothing compared to the now pissed off look on his face that replaced it. I know I deserved the cold tone and glare he was giving me.

  “Gavin, I’m sorry.” Cutting me off before I could say anymore.

  “Madison, just save it! You’ve made yourself clear.” Pulling up to the school putting the truck in park slamming the truck door behind him as he walked up to the school.

  You happy with yourself Madison? You pushed him away. Asking myself disgusted. You did exactly what you wanted. Arguing with myself, it wasn’t what I wanted. It was what I had to do. I couldn’t betray my aunt and uncle especially, aunt Julia who has been so kind to me. Well, I guess I’ll be finding the principal’s office on my own. Watching Gavin he walked up to a group of guys and started talking in front of the door. Trying to build up my courage I got out of the truck and felt lower than ever. The one true friend I had, I managed to alienate.