The ride to school in Gavin’s truck is really the closest we get to each other lately, and when I glance over at him, I think of the night at homecoming when he pulled me close under the tree for a dance. I remember how his arms felt around me. I close my eyes and try to remember just how good that felt so I never forget how being in love is supposed to feel.
As I headed into the school building I still feel like an alien, and whatever acceptance I did feel left after I broke up with Clay. I still find Clay looking at me and once in a while sometimes, he is brave enough to say hi in passing. He has dated at least a dozen other girls since we broke up and there seems to be a different one every week. Andrea tells me that he has been telling people that he misses me and that he is going to try to win me back. I just don’t fore see that happening however. It would be nice however being able to be friends with him again. We did have fun together before he turned into a pompous ass. Every time I see Eric however I am reminded of that nightmare and who put me into that situation and it just kills me. That’s one person I will never forgive and every time I look at him I feel physically ill. When he does manage to get to close to me in the hall or anytime for that matter Gavin seems to be around to dissuade him. One look from Gavin and it has him walking quickly in the opposite direction. Which I am very grateful for. I wonder what would happen if Gavin wasn’t around. I try not to dwell on that thought to long because next school year he really won’t be around. The very thought of that was like my body being slammed with an ice cold bucket of water. It was an almost debilitating thought, one I quickly brush aside.
Heading to class I suddenly feel a quick brush on my shoulder. Looking back I was surprised to find Clay walking behind me by himself which was rare in itself.
“Um, Madison do you think we could go somewhere and talk at lunch? I know I don’t deserve your time and I wouldn’t blame you for saying no but please I really would like to talk to you.” He said quickly so he could get it all out before she brushed him off.
Sighing and looking down at my feet I didn’t know whether to agree or just haul off and punch him right square in the cocky smirk of his that he wears all the time. Right now however he looked like he just lost his best friend. Standing in the middle of the hall we were starting to get trampled and he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me off to the side. He felt me flinch under his touch and you could see the guilt in his eyes as he quickly released me. “I don’t know Clay.”
“Please. I miss you. Even though we are broke up I still miss that brief friendship that we had before I turned into a horny toad.”
Looking up shocked I couldn’t believe he said that let a lone admitted it. Before I knew it a chuckle left me lips.
“See I miss that. Me saying something stupid and you laughing. Please I just want to talk.”
Sighing, “Alright lunch.”
“Great.” He said excitedly walking away.
As I started walking to class I got this dreadful feeling over me like I just made a deal with the devil and that nothing good could come out of this. Then another dreadful feeling came over me. Gavin was surly going to see me talking to Clay. Then again I doubt he would notice or care. But he did care and he did notice the moment she came walking into the lunch room with Clay trailing behind and he felt every inch of his body tingle with anger. He started to get up to confront the ass until he noticed that she turned around and started to talk to him. That moment the anger got doused with hurt and resentment. Sitting back down with his buddies he kept an eye on them without trying to look to obvious.
We found an empty table and sat down opposite of each other.
“Alright Clay, what is this about?” I asked eying him suspiciously. Having to admit even though he was an ass he still was rather easy on the eyes.
Shrugging and looking straight into my eyes. “I owe you a big apology.”
“Yeah, you do. I never once gave you the impression that I wanted to go to bed with you. Especially after what your buddy Eric did to me.”
“I know I was wrong. I just loved you so much and I turned something that was supposed to be special into something dirty to brag to my friends about. You have to know that’s not me at all Madison.” He said with pleading eyes.
“I never thought you would treat me like that Clay but I found out otherwise. I know no other side of you.” I said with steely eyes not quite ready to forgive and damn tired of always being the forgiving one.
“I know I was a jerk and I ruined us. We had something good and I flushed it down the toilet and for what? Just to impress my jerk off friends.”
“That’s not my problem.” I said looking away before he could see that I did miss him at least a little. I missed the guy he was when I first met him and we started dating the warm charming guy.
“Madison, I miss you so much. Your saying you don’t miss me? Not even a little?”
“Clay I do miss you a little. But, I miss the guy you were when I first met you. Who knows if that was the real Clay or if the real Clay was the one trying to get me into bed. Then when I said no you proceeded to degrade me and then to start bad mouthing Gavin when he has been nothing but a friend to you.”
“Madison, yes I shouldn’t of said what I did but I see the way you look at him. You never once looked at me that way. That is all I wanted and a little of me thought if we slept together you would start looking at me that way instead.” He said looking down at his hands.
Gazing at him I didn’t really know whether to believe him or not. After all, he is charming and it is hard to tell if he is telling the truth or not. “I don’t know Clay. I don’t know what to think or what to believe anymore. Putting my head into my hand willing my stress headache to go away.
“Madison, could you please look at me?”
Lifting my head back up and struggling to adjust my eyes that were starting to blur from my head ache I looked straight into his eyes searching for some truth.
“Madison.”
“Yes Clay?”
“I still love you. Please don’t shut me completely out of your life. I tried to forget you I dated other girls. I did everything I could not to look at you in the halls. I just can’t do it. I love you. Please at least be my friend. If you won’t have me as a boyfriend will you at least have me as a friend?” Pleading with me. “I truly am sorry for everything I said and did. I was a complete ass.”
Staring at him I wasn’t sure what to say. I never dreamed that he was still in love with me especially after all the girls I seen him date and hang around. “I really don’t know what to say Clay. This all came out of left field for me. I assumed that we would never speak again.”
“Just give me a chance and I’ll show you the real Clay. The Clay you met at the pool hall.”
“Alright I suppose I could try. I am running a little low on friends as of lately.”
“Great.” Perking up immediately.
“But, one toe out of the line that’s it. Strike three buddy, and no bad mouthing Gavin around me. That one is also a deal breaker.” I said glaring him down to make my point.
“Alright deal.” He said grabbing my hand to seal the deal.
Meanwhile at the other end of the cafeteria Gavin was still fuming over them sitting together. Either she was the most naive person in the world right now or she was the most forgiving. He couldn’t figure out which at the moment, but decided to keep his eye on Clay either way. He didn’t trust him and he wasn’t so naive. Watching them get up together they walked out of the cafeteria and noticed them now outside in the cold sitting on a bench and talking again. This made him feel even more uneasy just for the fact he couldn’t see them as well and it looked a little to intimate. Plus, he couldn’t get to her as fast if he needed to. What is it with that guy? He thought to himself. What is it about that ass hole that makes her keep forgiving him every time the slime ball comes crawling back.
“Sorry. I just had to get some air.” I said rubbing my forehead trying to get the awful ache to go away.<
br />
“What is wrong Madison?”
“I’ve just been getting awful headaches lately.”
“Well, what’s wrong? I haven’t talked to you in so long I feel a little guilty for not being around or knowing what is going on in your life.”
“Sorry Clay, but it’s nothing I want to talk about.”
“You mean with me.” He said perfectly understanding why she wouldn’t.
“No Clay, not with anyone.”
“Oh, Is there anything I can do?”
“No.” I said shortly.
“Are you cold?” Asking starting to take off his school sport jacket that proudly displayed his quarter back title on the football team.
“I’m alright.”
“No, your not. Your shaking.” Wrapping his jacket around me. Leaving him with a nice buttoned down shirt on.
“Clay I don’t want you to get cold.”
“Don’t worry about me. I’m tough. I’ll live.” Saying with a cute smirk that for the first time looked warm and not cocky at all.
“Well thank you, but your going to get all of your lady admirers jealous.” I said for the first time poking a little fun at him. Noticing all their faces practically plastered against the glass of the windows. Trying not to look to hard and see Gavin.
“Ah well, I really don’t care. You’re the one I care about.”
“Clay.” I said sighing.
“I know Madison you don’t have to say it. I had my chance and I blew it. I know. It’s just hard not saying those things to you.”
“I know but you have to try. It’s to hard hearing them, and even after all we have gone through and the turmoil you have put me through I would never want to hurt you.”
“I know Madison and that’s part of the reason why I missed you so much. I’ll always be here for you.” Pulling me in for a hug before I knew what was going on. I reluctantly wrapped my arms around him and his scent made the memories flood back. The time at the movies on our first date, walking hand and hand through the hallway. Eating lunches together. Laughing at each other for saying or doing something stupid. It wasn’t all bad. I thought to myself. But, even in all those sweet memories Gavin’s face popped up in the forefront of my mind like he always does. I pulled away and he took that moment to give me a kiss on the forehead. The fear slicing through my heart about Gavin seeing it made me want to about face and run.
He could see everything and he sat back down in shock. Surly she was smarter than that he thought. She can’t go back to him. What a fucking nightmare of a day. He wanted her to start opening up more at school, or at home, with her friend Andrea or make new friends. But not him. He thought hopelessly. Anyone but him.
When the last bell rang I wanted to give his jacket back to him but, couldn’t find him anywhere. Not wanting to leave it in my locker and have anything happen to it I decided that I had to take it home with me. Climbing into Gavin’s truck I could feel the tension between us and knew instantly that he seen us together. I wanted to talk to him and tell him not to worry that I could and would never love anyone else but him. I wanted to scream it at him at the top of my lungs that he had nothing to worry about that no one could ever replace him in my heart. But, instead we both sat silent most of the way home. Which wasn’t any different than any other day. Finally, not being able to stand it anymore. “Gavin why don’t we talk anymore?”
“We talk.” He said annoyed eying Clays jacket she had folded neatly in her lap.
“No, I mean talk.”
“You seemed to be talking to someone else today just fine.”
“Gavin. It wasn’t what it looked like.” I said in a pleading voice.
“Why should I care what it looked like. It’s none of my business.” Which he said a lot snottier than he meant it to but, dared not look at her he couldn’t chance seeing the possible hurt in her eyes. He hated hurting her, but he was pissed and that was all he could think about right now.
I decided to leave it at that and stared out the window instead at the snow topped trees. Hurting inside, wishing it was Gavin that would come up to me and tell me he loved me instead of Clay. It was just as well though it could never be. My head was telling me that but, my heart was telling me something quite different.
The turmoil he was feeling inside was really starting to aggravate him. I have been staying away from her as much as possible. I haven’t been talking to her that much, and I still love her just as much today as I did when I first laid eyes on her. What the hell is wrong with me? I know I shouldn’t be mad at her but I am. I don’t like feeling this way and she did this to me. Looking over at her slumped down in the seat looking out the window her cheeks were red from the cold, her hair was tousled and she looked so sad but so beautiful at the same time. He ached to reach over and pull her next to him but his pride got in the way. Plus why force someone that doesn’t feel the same way? It only tortures me even more. Giving in a bit, “I’m sorry Madison. I didn’t mean that to sound so harsh.” His eyes glued forward onto the road. That was the best he could manage.
“It’s fine. Whatever.” I said just as coolly. Pulling into the driveway I couldn’t wait to get outside and away from the tension you could cut with a knife in that truck. As usual I ran upstairs to do my home work.
I could hear Gavin in his room getting changed to go outside and do chores. Whatever homework he has he usually waits until the last minute to do. I think his grades are suffering a bit over it. There’s no excuse for it either, he is such an intelligent guy but he does have a lot to do. More than anyone our age does and you never hear him complain. I have been watching him a lot lately and when he is aggravated or confused in class his eyes get dark and then one of his eyebrows will go up in concentration. Then he’ll tap his foot lightly on the floor. When he gets really aggravated he’ll run his hand through his hair in disgust and I just want to go over and give him a big hug and kiss. He doesn’t see me looking at him but I can’t help myself I miss him so much that it hurts everyday. Everyone I love is gone and now I feel him slipping through my fingers to and its so upsetting. Whoever thought of “if you love someone set them free” never had to actually do it thinking in disgust. Oh it’s just as well. I’m like a disease that only causes hurt and pain.
Gavin came in briefly for supper and went back outside with Uncle William to finish chores. He looks so tired lately. He’s the hardest working high school student I have ever met. Cleaning up I retreated back upstairs, something I do often to get away from Uncle William. We pretty much stay out of each others paths and it works out a lot better that way. Tonight I was getting antsy though, hearing Uncle William come in I went to my window to look out and seen Gavin still hard at work. Wondering if I should go out and help him. Finally, convincing myself I put on an old pair of jeans and pulled on my snow boots and jacket making my way down the stairs. I didn’t realize just how slick it was until my boot hit the first step. Finally making it to the barn in one piece I spotted him in the corner sitting on a bail of straw. Staring off into space his bucket was swinging back and fourth in his hands. He looked so exhausted and had dirt from head to toe, his overalls catching most of it. Dirt was smeared across his cheek as if to wipe off sweat on this cold night. I got half way to him before he seen me and snapped out of it.
Looking up surprised “Hey you do know your way out of the house.” Saying sarcastically.
“Ha ha very funny. I thought maybe you could use some help.”
“I’m fine.” He said getting up.
“You don’t look fine.” I said to his back as he walked to a stall to put feed in the container.
“Well, I am.”
Walking over to him I ripped the bucket out of his hand. “Hey what the hell do you think your doing?” He snapped.
“Your obviously exhausted. Look at you. You can hardly stand.”
“It doesn’t matter. It needs to get done.” Reaching for the bucket, but I was to fast for him. That was a really good indication of just how exhaus
ted he really was.
“I’ll finish feeding the animals.”
Laughing “You don’t know what your doing.”
“Please, it’s not brain surgery. Besides, I’ve watched you do it a million times. Just sit your butt back over there and you can watch me to make sure I’m doing it right.”
“Maddie I can do it myself really.”
“Sit.” I said pointing, stomping my foot onto the ground.
“Alright. God I don’t think I’ve seen you this worked up in months.”
“Well, I’m in no mood to argue.” I said as I resumed his work.
Sitting back down I really was tired. I really didn’t think it was that obvious. Evidently it was. Watching her bending over and reaching over the stalls was a special treat. He thought hopelessly. It was nice of her to come out and help. You didn’t see the rest of my family going out of their way to help me. But, Maddie is out here. Even when we are not on the best of terms, she is out here helping me. Damn it! It just makes me love her even more. Leaning back against the cool rough straw. I’ll just close my eyes for a second and he sunk into oblivion.
Looking over at him after I was finished he was dead asleep. How anyone could sleep in these temperatures is beyond me. Even in this somewhat heated barn it was still really chilly. I just dreaded waking him up he looked so peaceful. Walking over to him I sat down next to him and stared into his gorgeous face. Even with all the dirt on his face he was still absolute perfection. He had the most handsome chiseled features and looked all man with his eyes being my favorite. You can tell exactly how he is feeling at anytime just by looking into those gorgeous eyes. Lips that I want to be on mine all the time. If only he could be mine I thought sadly. Lifting my hand to his face I wiped the dirt lightly from his cheek causing only a slight stir from him. “I love you Gavin.” I whispered giving him a light kiss on the cheek. Leaning back I touched his face lightly, “Gavin, wake up sweetie.” Stirring he opened his eyes to the most beautiful sight he’s woken up to in months. Dropping my hand quickly I looked into his sleepy eyes. “You fell asleep. I’m all done.”
Tangled Dreams Page 18