by Bry Ann
“Agreed,” Tobias nods.
Anatoli sighs. “Call this Rex guy. Alex mentioned him to me years ago. Make sure he’s in on this. If he’s not we think of a new plan.”
His tone leaves no room for discussion. I’d get Rex in on this. He trusts me, but I’m not gonna lie. This is not going to be easy. I rattle off a text.
Me: Call me when you are alone.
It doesn’t take long at all for the phone to ring.
“Rex,” I answer as I walk away from the other two guys.
“Alex just left. What’s going on?” His voice is cold. I recognize it. It is the same voice he had when we discussed the death of his sister.
“Rex. We have a plan but you are not going to like it.”
“It must be bad if you are giving me a warning verses just throwing it at me.”
“It is,” I affirm.
“Fuck, it has to do with Alex. Fuck Gunner! What?”
“Rex. Listen to me. Listen. Don’t let your emotions control this conversation.”
“I’m listening,” he gets out through a clenched jaw. I know if I was anyone else he would have said no and hung up by now, but we have history. He’ll let me explain.
“Rex, I’m no idiot. This guy is way past my level of connection, and maybe even raw skill. All I have on him is my ability to out think him and to stay in control. That’s fuck all. The only way to get this guy is to get him to let his guard down. To make him think he’s won. Bottom line, he’s got to take someone. It can’t be a guy, I wish it could, but he’d kill him too fast. Pytor doesn’t care for men. His track record shows that. It needs to be a woman. That leaves us with two options, and I’m not sure Sam could take it right now. Not after what just happened to her. Not to mention we both know Alex would suffer more knowing a friend was in danger, again, because of her than if we just made her the bait. It would all be controlled. I will assure you of that. The utmost planning will go into this.”
“You’re not joking.”
“No. I’m not. Do I ever?”
“Gunner, I… I can’t do that to Alex. She’ll break. I can’t lose her. Not again. She can’t face him. She’s murdered because of him. I’m scared she’ll do worse. More. I don’t know. What if she kills herself?”
“If one of her friends gets taken because of her she surely will, and then you will definitely lose her.”
I hear Rex sigh several times. He knows this is the only option. “I can’t do this Gunner. I can’t.”
“Rex!” I snap. “I sure as fuck don’t want to either. You think Dana will forgive me for this shit? For being the fucking mastermind behind it? I just have to put on my fucking big boy pants and do the job. That’s all there is. The job… right now. This guy has to end if you want Alex and anyone she’s close to to ever be safe again.”
He pauses. He didn’t think of this. He now knows I may be sacrificing just as much as him.
“Alex has to approve. If I sense any hesitancy coming from her we think of something else. I don’t know what, but something.”
“Done.”
“Then… I guess I’m in.”
… and just like that the game is on again. I feel it in my blood. In my bones.
Chapter 4 (Sam):
Less than 24 hours later we were headed back to Nashville to see Logan and pick up Dusty. It’s me, Rex, Dana and Alexa in the plane… Alex, shit that’s still so weird. Sometimes she feels like a whole different person, but I know she is still the same person inside. I can feel it, even if a lot about her has changed suddenly.
She thinks Alex and Alexa are these two totally different people, but it’s crazy how similar “they” are. Alex is Alexa and vice versa. The only difference is Alexa was dishonest with what she was feeling and numb to her life. Alex is the same person, just woken up and a little broken, but, fuck, who isn’t? Certainly no one in our crew, except for maybe Logan and my kids. I still feel like the most fucked up of all of us, but somehow I ended up with this totally normal family. Well, I guess not exactly normal because the whole world wants to know about us, I’m filthy rich and constantly avoiding paparazzi. So I guess not so normal.
The atmosphere on the private jet is weird. Dana is so excited I can practically feel her buzzing. Alex is relatively quiet and pensive with the occasional smartass remark. Rex and I are the reason this ride is so awkward. I’m nervous as shit. My mind is drowning in self doubt and worry. Dusty has issues. He’s going to be a tough kid. What if he and Jazmine don’t get along? What if Logan doesn’t love him as I do? And worst of all, what if I am a bad mom? What if I don’t help him? What if he hates me? What if I let my mom down? I shake my head and look over at Rex. His leg is bouncing up and down rapidly. His hands are clenching and unclenching, which I’m learning is a way he controls his temper and/or nerves. He’s tense. He’s so unlike his usual self it’s alarming. I see Alex looking at him curiously, but she looks scared of his mood. Im beginning to wonder if her being pensive and him being weird are linked. It’s hard to tell, because Alex is so freaking weird around Rex. Once second she’s scared, the next she’s tense, the next she’s nervous, then she starts acting like a little girl with a crush, it’s hard to keep track of what the hell is going on with them. She makes the roller coaster of emotions I went through with Logan look like a walk in the park. Right now though she looks nervous and unsure. She is sitting as far from him as possible, and is biting her lip as she thinks.
“Okay, I’m done! For real, what is with you Rex? You look pissed off or scared or, honestly, I’m not really sure. What is going on with you?”
“Nothing! I mean nothing. Sorry, I just a lot on my mind.”
“You sure, because Alex looks like she wants to hide in a corner or anywhere that’s away from you.”
His head automatically snaps to her. He looks genuinely confused by Alex’s demeanor. Like he has no clue what’s bothering her. Alex, on the other hand, is beat red. I mean red as a fucking cherry. What the hell? I guess the two aren’t linked? These two give me a headache. Rex looks back to me.
“Well Alex has no reason to be nervous right now…” he says with a question in his voice. The statement is clearly directed at her. Alex turns away and tucks her knees into her chest.
“Fuck all of you,” she mumbles. I laugh. She doesn’t mean it. She hates being embarrassed. With a passion. It’s one of the first things I learned about her.
The rest of the ride is quiet. I leave well enough alone. Mainly because if I push to hard, someone could turn the conversation right back around to me. I don’t want to get into all the insecurities swirling around in my head. The regret I feel for saying I’ll take in a little boy when I’m not even whole myself. I still have nightmares. Scars all over my body, which, thankfully, Dusty has seen. Honestly, I think it was the reason he agreed to come home with me, weirdly enough. He didn’t want to at first. He was angry when he found out I wanted to adopt him, like I would have been. One day I came into work in short sleeves to talk with him. He looked at me in a whole new light. He kept touching his own small scars on his little arms and legs. He connected with me. We were not alone. We both had scars everyone could see.
My worry was the screaming at night, the fact that I still struggled with how I looked, I still struggled during sex and, worst of all, I still saw the images in my head. I saw their faces. When it got too strong I would throw up until there was nothing left in my stomach. Of course, Logan was the only one who knew most of this. Well, Logan and the therapist Dana and Logan insisted I see. She’s cool though. Chill. Non-judgemental. I dig her. She helps. I worry I can’t help Dusty since I can’t help myself. I made this choice though. I have to follow through. I’m strong. A protector. I can protect him. I hope.
As a new round of thoughts enter my head I feel a sharp pain in my arm, followed by the the faint sound of a foot tapping on the floor . My gaze snap over and I see Alex standing there with her brows furrowed. It takes one look around to realize no one else is on the fucki
ng plane. Oh, just great. Fuck.
“We landed,” she says calmly.
“Yeah,” I say as I collect my stuff, fix my messy hair and pray to God she doesn’t question me further.
“You okay?” she asks in the same calm, cool tone.
“Yes. Of course. I am.”
“Good. Then let’s get off this jet.”
I breath an audible sigh of relief as we head down toward the exit. When we reach the door Alex grabs both sides of the exit, and turns back to me, blocking the way.
“I’m not a hypocrite. I won’t push you for your feelings, but I'm here. If you need me… then I'm here.”
With that she walks off without another word. I watch her walk away. I love her. I love her. I love her. She knows I hate to be questioned when I'm really struggling, same as her. That’s what she meant by she’s not a hypocrite. She’s giving me a pass. I’m in awe of her cool confidence despite all she’s endured. That and her rad individuality. For instance, right now she is wearing purple jeans, a ripped up black t-shirt, combat boots, and heavy black and purple eye eye makeup with two braids in her hair. Just fucking cool.
Anyway, I stop being a total creep and get off the plane. I see Dana’s eyes go to me in question, but Alex jumps in. “She was half asleep. I had to shake her to wake her up fully. Now let’s get going.”
Dana looks at me again, knowing that is not true, but Alex spoke with such authority that Dana just shrugs and follows Alex to the black car waiting for us. Alex has still kept her distance from Rex, and Rex is still in his own little world of trouble so he doesn’t notice. It’s quite a walk to the car, but as soon as we get close I recognize the wad of blonde hair waiting leaning against the fancy black car door. He wasn’t supposed to be here! But it’s him. I know it’s him. I can tell by his cool stance and his smile. My heart leap. A feeling of safety washes over me so quickly I almost can’t take it. I drop my bags and sprint over to him. I don’t know when I became this girl, but sometime in the years of Logan holding me when I cried in secret or holding my hair back as I puked in disgust or simply massaging me when I couldn’t handle sex, I became her.
I run in his arms and squeeze him so tight like he might disappear. I can tell he’s a little taken aback but he squeezes just as tight.
“You okay?” he whispers in my ear.
“Of course.”
“Always right?”
“Yep,” I say with a small smile. I pull away as my friends approach. Alex is smirking at me. I swat at her. Bitch. She has no room to fucking talk. Dana wraps Logan in a big hug.
“Missed you bro.”
“That seems to be a theme today,” he says with a smirk.
Both me and Dana smack him, and he laughs. Then he turns to Rex and Alex who are standing a good five feet from each other.
“Hello Rex. Alexa.”
“It’s Alex,” I mumble in his ear. He nods. “Sorry, Alex.”
“Hello Logan,” Rex says as he clenches his fists and extends a hand. Logan smiles and takes it. I can tell he likes Rex, unlike Alex, who he has never quite understood. Alex and Logan just nod at each other, per usual. It bothers me slightly, but I let it go. They are allowed to not really like each other. Besides, I know if shit hit the fan they’d have each other’s backs. Logan’s already asked if there was anything he could do for Alex after hearing her story.
Cricket. Cricket. I can almost hear them as I wait for someone to speak again. I finally recognize why everyone is so quiet.
Gunner. It feels weird without him here. I can tell Dana is hurting, but trying to be cheerie for Alex’s sake. For some reason that ruthless hunk of a man has really become a staple in our crew, and without him it feels empty. Eventually Logan clears his throat and we all get in the car. Once we got a good twenty minutes away from the airport I turn to everyone.
“What is the going forward?”
Dana looks to Alex, then to her brother. The three of them have a silent conversation before seeing to come to a general consensus. Dana turns to me first with her ‘therapist face’, as I call it. My stomach coils as she scoots close to me and takes my hand.
“Sam, babe, we 100% support you in this adoption. We are here for you always, but picking up your son…. that… that is something that should be done as a family.”
“You are my family!’’
“Your immediate family Sammie.”
“Don’t fucking call me Sammie,” I snap. I feel my hands start to shake. Dana and Alex can’t leave me with this. I need them there!
“Sam,” Alex says firmly, “This is for family. Pull it together.”
“Bitch,” I mumble, but it helped.
“Logan, can you drop me off at my old apartment? My lease isn’t up yet and you paid the year in full,” Dana says quietly.
“Take me and Alex to a hotel,” Rex says. “We need to talk anyway.”
I totally forgot he was here. That’s the first thing he’s said in hours.
“What if I don’t want to fucking go? Maybe I want to go with Dana,” Alex mumbles, glaring at the floor.
Rex cocks an eyebrow and crosses his arms over his chest, leaving no room for discussion. This demanding side of him is not one I see often, but I have to say it is slightly intimidating. I see why Alex decided to stay quiet and pout instead of fighting him.
“Dana, will you be okay by yourself? You can stay at the house of course. You are my sister. You know I don’t care about the money.”
Logan’s eyebrows are furrowed. He’s worried. He may hate Gunner, but he knows she loves him and is worried about him. The thing that I think worries both Logan and I both the most is that she’s holding her feelings in, but I know she has to for Alex’s sake. It’s a fine line we are walking as friends right now. We are all so fragile. So close to breaking, and we all we want to is protect each other.
“I’m fine Logan. Plus, I expect you will send a car for all three of us, me, Alex and Rex, as soon as you get your new little guy so we can all spend time with him. I mean me and Alex want to meet him ASAP, so I won’t be alone long.”
Logan nods in agreement. The car ride is relatively quiet after that. About an hour later everyone is dropped off at their respective locations, and it is just Logan and I in the car. He gives the driver Ms.Annette's address as soon as the door shuts and Rex and Alex exit. Jazmine. I feel my heart buzzing with excitement to see my daughter. It was hard making the the decision to have Logan fly her back to Nashville with him before he left for work, but it was best for her and I. The tension between the adults was not something she needed to be around. Spending some alone time with her father was best. Even if it killed me to do it.
“So,” Logan asks breaking me out of my thoughts, “What was the grand welcome about? Can we skip the part where you feed me bullshit before I get to the truth. We don’t have long before we pick up Jazzy and the car becomes happy land.”
My eyes light up, and I burst out laughing. Jazmine is the happiest kid ever. Hearing Logan’s low chuckle makes my heart happy. I always thought I wanted to be alone. Now that thought makes me feel hollow inside. Seeing my family happy makes me happy in a way living alone never could. That brings my thoughts right back around to Dusty and all the happiness drains from my body, like a balloon losing helium. I feel the fear in bones. The fear I’ll let him down. My mom never let me down. I can never be her.
“What if I am not the right parent for Dusty?” I blurt out, hearing my voice crack. “I know we’ve thought this through extensively, but Logan you know. Like. How can I help him if I can’t help myself? I'm a mess.”
Logan sighs heavily. “Sam. You know you are the perfect mother for him. You know better than anyone the power of having a foster parent who will fight for you, love you unconditionally and believes in you even when you can’t believe in yourself.”
“Well, no one will fight harder for him than me.”
“Oh, I know that Sam.”
I sigh, and stare at Logan. How is he so good with m
e? He smiles playfully when he notices me staring.
“I missed you babe.”
“I saw your interview Logan.”
Logans scoots close to me, and starts running his hand up my upper arm. Tingles spread throughout my body. He’s so gentle with me, and even gentler with my scars. He protects my heart, even in the way he touches me. He never makes me feel gross or rejected for how I look. Speaking of looks, Logan really does look really hot right now. He’s wearing designer jeans and a leather jacket. His shaggy blonde hair is perfectly styled and his blue eyes are hooded and filled with passion and lust for me from our intimate touches in the backseat of this car. Just as his hand makes its way down to my breast the driver’s voice rings out.
“We are here sir.”
Logan pulls away with a sigh.
“The joy of being parents,” I mumble.
Logan laughs as we both climb out of the car. Well, let me rephrase. His bodyguard gets out first and checks for paparazzi. Then his driver. Then Logan. Then me. It’s a whole routine every time. The sad part is I’ve gotten used to it. The whole charade I have to go through being engaged to Logan. He makes it more than worth it though. I love him, and love makes you do crazy shit. Like sit in the car while three men check for cameras that constantly want to take pictures of me at the worst possible angle so they can criticize “Logan’s fiance”. That’s all I am to them. Logan’s fucked up, scarred fiance.