Clover Blue

by Eldonna Edwards

  Before I can answer she rolls up her window and pulls away.

  * * *

  I do my best not to stare at Stardust during dinner. Harmony doesn’t even try to hide her staring. She keeps elbowing me, as if I can’t see the drastic changes without her making a scene. It’s weird seeing Stardust without big hoop earrings hanging from her ears or a scarf on her head. Her thick black hair is tied with twine in a simple ponytail at the back of her neck. She’s even washed off the bright lipstick and blue eye make-up. Except for her colorful skirt, Stardust now looks like the Quakers we studied about in our world religions sessions with Goji. The jangling, colorful gypsy is no more.

  People are unusually quiet through the meal, mostly looking up from their plates just long enough to make eye contact with another family member before going back to eating. When everyone’s finished, I start to clear the dishes but Goji motions for me to sit.

  “Let’s enjoy some sharing, starting with our visitor.” He smiles at Stardust. “As you know, when we strip away ego a person is better able to become authentic and grow into a fully developed being.” He lays a hand on Stardust’s shoulder. “Everyone? This is Jane.” He turns to her. “Would you like to address the community?”

  Stardust/Jane starts to stand but Goji gently tugs on her arm, meaning he wants her to stay seated. “We are all equal here. All on the same level, face-to-face, eye to eye.”

  She slowly settles back into her chair. “Thank you for welcoming me. I hope to prove myself worthy of your community.” She glances toward Goji, who nods. “I have accepted this new name as a sign from the stars that . . .”

  Keeping his head bowed as he strokes his beard, Goji says, “Please start again.”

  She clears her throat. “It’s a privilege to spend time with you. Please let me know how I can be of service.” She starts to say something else but thinks better of it.

  Goji leans forward and looks around the table. “Jane would like to learn more about Saffron Freedom Community. Does anyone have any objections to allowing her to stay on for a bit?”

  Willow fidgets in her seat. I can tell she has doubts about the idea. But Doobie seems happier than I’ve seen him since Gaia left. He waits only a few seconds before shouting, “Welcome, Jane!”

  One by one the rest of us chime in, echoing, “Welcome, Jane,” but not nearly as enthusiastically as Doobie.

  11

  By the time I was seven years old I knew how to cook, weed the garden, trim pot plants, empty the shitter, milk the goats, gather eggs, wash laundry, and diaper a baby. Rain is starting from scratch learning all our chores. Usually Jade does the milking but Rain asked me to mentor her.

  “Can I ask you something?” Rain says, as she gingerly squeezes milk from Inga’s teat.

  “Of course. You can ask any of us anything.”

  “Maybe a stupid question, but why is it . . . why are we called Saffron Freedom Community?”

  “That’s not a stupid question at all. It started out as Sunshine Freedom Community but Goji changed it to Saffron after having a vivid dream around the time a bunch of people left here. In his dream, Goji said the sun turned into liquid gold, like the colorful saffron spice he saw in the open markets of Delhi.”

  “Delhi?”

  “It’s in India. He spent time in Asia studying yoga, meditation, chanting, and other spiritual stuff.”

  “So he’s like a guru, right?”

  “Kind of, but he’ll tell you we’re all gurus.”

  She laughs. “I’m not a guru.”

  “Guru’s just a fancy word for teacher. You taught Willow how to macramé. So that makes you her macramé guru.”

  She’s quiet for a minute. “So other than Goji, who’s your favorite of the Olders?”

  I never said Goji was my favorite but I let it go. It’s obvious he’s becoming her favorite.

  “That’s a tough one. I’ve always loved Gaia. She was so fun and full of life. Most of the Olders feel, well, older. Gaia treated me like she was the same age as I was. Plus, Gaia is Harmony’s birth mother so I feel a special connection to her.”

  Rain laughs. “That girl might be small but she sure makes up for it in spunk.” She leans forward. “Willow is your mom, right?”

  Before I can respond, our older nanny goat, Greta, tries to step away from me and I nearly spill my pail of milk. I press my head into her coarse flank and she settles down. “They’re all my moms.”

  “Yes, I know, but Gaia said Willow adopted you.”

  “Gaia told you that?”

  “She said it’s a complicated story and that I should ask you directly.”

  Questions about my parents are uncomfortable. Goji still hasn’t had “the talk” with me. But he did warn me that people wouldn’t understand if the truth gets out about my adoption.

  “I’d rather not talk about it.”

  She throws me a concerned glance. “I’m sorry. It was rude of me to ask.” Rain goes back to the other question. “So who do you like next best after Harmony?”

  “I dunno. I love them all.” I really don’t know. They’re all my favorites for different reasons.

  “I understand, everyone here has been so nice to me. But I still feel like I hardly know anyone and I’d love to know what you think.”

  I play with a dead twig under my boot, thinking. “Well, Willow holds her thoughts inside. She keeps us on track with things like homework and chores. She taught me to read by the time I was four. Wave is physically strong but he’s a very gentle person. He used to be a surfer. They’re both really into yoga, so they make a good pair.”

  Rain stops milking and strums an invisible guitar. “And he plays a mean guitar.”

  “Right. He writes songs, too. I keep telling him he should make a record. He’s been teaching me chords but I’m not very good at it.”

  “What about Doobie? He seems like such a sweet guy but probably not someone I would have known before I came here. I’ve never smoked a cigarette, let alone marijuana.”

  “I kind of figured that. You seem pretty straight edge.”

  She grins. “Wanna know a secret?”

  “Sure.”

  “I’d never been more than ten miles from home before I ran away.”

  I like the sound of the word home coming out of her mouth. It sounds comfortable, like the houses we pass on our way home after dark.

  “Where’s home?”

  Rain smiles. “It’s here, silly.”

  “I know, but before here.”

  Her smile disappears. “A few hours south.” She changes the subject back to the family. “So, Blue, what’s Doobie’s story? He seems so softhearted. Funny too.”

  “People think he’s just a pothead but he’s a smart guy who loves pretty much everyone. Gaia sort of used to be his old lady. She once told me that Doobie’s mom was really mean and that he’s been looking for love all his life.”

  “Aw. That’s so sad.”

  After what Rain had said about her stepfather beating her, I instantly regret talking about Doobie’s mom. I glance over at the abandoned bee boxes. “Jade is quiet around people but she has a way with animals. We used to have bees and she’d talk to them when she took out the honeycombs. She never once got stung. She’s also a great cook.”

  “She and Coyote are together, right? What’s his deal?”

  “You already saw how protective he is. He carves things out of wood and he taught me how to whittle. He and Jade made Aura together. Sirona helped deliver her. She’s a really good midwife.”

  Her eyes go wide. “You were there?”

  “Everyone was. Well, Moon mostly slept through it. I don’t blame him. I slept through his birth.”

  “Wow. What was that like, seeing a baby born?”

  “I thought it’d be really bogue but it was actually pretty cool. Sirona also knows a lot about herbs and stuff. You saw how she saved Harmony’s life.”

  “That was a miracle. I prayed for Harmony all night after she got bit.�
�

  “You did?”

  “Of course. Didn’t you?”

  “I surrounded her in white light and healing. I guess you could call it a prayer. It’s just something we do for each other here.”

  Rain stops milking and looks at me like I’m from outer space. “You don’t believe in God? Don’t you want to go to heaven?”

  I look across the garden to the meadow dotted with redwoods and live oak. I set my pail on a stump and pat Greta on the behind to let her know she’s free, then jump onto a low-hanging tree limb. I gently bounce up and down, grinning at Rain. “I think we already live in paradise.”

  She looks around our property and smiles. “It is really beautiful here. But that’s not the same thing as being a good Christian or walking streets of gold after you die.”

  I leap from the branch and land next to Rain, nearly bumping into her. “I think heaven is more like a metaphor. People want to believe in a peaceful, happy life. Maybe because they didn’t get one in this lifetime. Or maybe they did, and they want more of it after they die.”

  Rain wrinkles her nose. “A metaphor? I’ve gone to church since I was a baby and nobody ever said heaven was just a symbol.”

  “We study lots of religions from all over the world. Goji teaches that all the great prophets like Jesus and Mohammed and Buddha pretty much said the same thing.”

  “And what’s that?”

  “Be kind. Respect life. Pay attention. And focus on the here and now, not the promise of something better in the afterlife.”

  Rain gets quiet and goes back to squeezing. The tring-trings turn to sploosh-sploosh as her pail fills. I hope I didn’t hurt her feelings about her religion.

  “Hey, Rain, you’re pretty good at that for a city girl.”

  “I’m not a city . . .” She trails off and blushes. “Thanks. You’re a good milking guru.”

  “So what about you? Who’s your favorite family member so far?”

  She winks. “I’d have to say you.”

  A tingle spreads up and down my spine. I wonder if she knows what a huge crush I have on her. I think she likes Goji, but at thirty-four, he’s a lot farther apart in years than Rain and me.

  “I’ve always wanted a little brother,” she adds, making it clear it’s not a girl-boy thing the way I’d hoped.

  Before I can respond Rain starts sniffling. The girl is like a faucet and you never know when she’s going to let loose. Her eyes shine through her tears in a way that stuns me. She’s so incredibly beautiful. I’ve never seen into anyone like this before. I reach for her arm but she looks away. She picks up her pail of milk and sets it next to mine, smiling at me through her tears. “I win!”

  We carry our pails toward the kitchen, where some of the milk will be curdled for cheese and some will be used in whatever recipe Jade and Coyote are cooking up for us today. As we head down the path, Rain playfully nudges me with her shoulder. I nudge her back and we both laugh while trying to steady the milk to keep it from spilling. In the distance Goji waves and her face brightens. I suddenly feel protective of Rain. And envious of Goji. He’s taught us that we should turn envy into wishing happiness for the other. I want to be happy for Goji but right now I want Rain all to myself.

  By the time we reach the picnic area, her tears have dried. But for some reason I’ve caught them. It’s all I can do to make small talk with the Olders before running off toward the woods. I run until I’m sure nobody will follow me, then drop under an oak tree and cry like a baby for absolutely no reason.

  * * *

  “Blue! Clover Blue!”

  The sound of my family calling jolts me awake. I forgot about our trip to the city today. I sit upright and wipe the leaves from my hair. “Coming!”

  Every few months the sister-mothers drive into Santa Rosa to get their birth control pills and to look for used clothes and dishes at the thrift store across the street from the clinic. We don’t use plastic at SFC and the ceramic plates break pretty often around here. Harmony is working on a mosaic tabletop made from all the broken pieces.

  When I reach the others, Harmony hands me a triangle of tin foil. The Olders built a wood-fired oven a few years ago to bake bread. Lately we’ve been using it to make pizza topped with homemade sauce and oregano from our herb garden. It’s my new favorite food.

  “You missed lunch,” she says. “Where’d you disappear to?”

  “Nowhere.”

  “Goji wants to talk to you when we get back from town. You’re supposed to let someone know when you go somewhere. I mean nowhere.”

  “Thanks for saving me a slice.” I unwrap the pizza and shove nearly half of it into my mouth all at once as we climb into the back of the truck. Jade lifts Moon onto the tailgate but takes Aura up front to sit with the sister-mothers. Moon sits next to me on the bench inside the homemade topper. He immediately takes out Frog and Toad Are Friends, the book I helped him pick out at the library last week. One of my jobs has been to help him learn to read since he’s having a hard time.

  Sirona pulls out onto the highway. Willow opens the sliding window between the cab and the back so we can hear the radio. Sirona reaches down to change the radio station. “Fucking disco.”

  We’re not supposed to use “lazy” swearing words but Sirona has always had a hard time keeping this guideline. She twirls the knob past several stations before coming to stop on a song about fifty ways to leave your lover. All three women start laughing and singing along until the DJ breaks in to announce that Jimmy Carter has been officially declared the winner of yesterday’s election.

  The sister-mothers stop singing, then start whooping and high-fiving each other. Sirona honks the horn for at least a mile. Willow rolls down her window and screams, “Bye-bye, all you lying warmongers!”

  “Bye-bye, assholes!” Harmony yells.

  The women fall silent. Jade and Willow simultaneously swivel in their seats to glare at my sister. When Sirona turns off the radio Moon pulls his book close to his face, readying himself for the trouble our sister is in. Harmony’s smile falls into a frown.

  Sirona stares at Harmony in the rearview mirror. Much to our relief, a huge grin breaks out over her face. “Bye-bye, motherfuckers!” She slaps Jade on the knee and laughs until tears stream down her cheeks. Willow starts singing “The Times They Are A-Changin’” and the rest of us join in. Everyone knows the song by heart. We sing it over and over at the top of our lungs. By the time we pull into the parking lot of the women’s clinic we’re all so hoarse we can hardly talk.

  “You two go ahead and look around at the thrift store across the street,” Sirona says to Harmony and me. “Take Moon with you.”

  Harmony and I each hold one of Moon’s hands to cross the street and push inside the glass doors. I’m hoping to find an army jacket like Coyote wears. Harmony wants hiking boots. She rarely wears dresses, and when she does, she puts pants on underneath them.

  We rifle through a row of pants until I find a pair of corduroy bell-bottoms that look about my size. Harmony slides a wool sweater off a hanger and throws it at me. “Try it on.”

  Moon follows me into the dressing room and sits on the floor with his book. The pants fit perfectly in the waist but drag on the floor. I pull the sweater over my head and step out to look in the longer mirror.

  Harmony whistles. “You look snazzy, man.”

  “They’re too long.”

  “Hem them. Or cut them off.” She throws a faded Led Zeppelin T-shirt into our basket and trots toward the shoe aisle. When I catch up, she’s on the floor, pulling on a pair of cowboy boots. She stands and struts to the other end of the store. “Whaddya think?”

  “Are they comfortable?”

  She grabs a wide-brimmed hat from a rack and walks back toward me, exaggerating her hips. “Well, I don’t know, pardner. How about you? Are you comfortable?”

  The oversized hat falls over her eyes. She tips it back with her middle finger and grins at me.

  “What do you think, Moon? Is
it a good look?” I glance around the aisle. He must have wandered off on our way to the shoes. I look at Harmony. “We should find him.”

  She doesn’t bother to take off the boots. I check the dressing room to see if he went back to read his book. It’s empty. We jog up and down all the smelly rows of clothes but there’s no sign of him. I point toward the back of the store. “Try the toys. I’ll look in the books section.”

  Neither of us has any luck. I start to panic. “What if he left? What if he crossed the street? Man, we’re going to be in such big trouble.”

  We race toward the door. An older lady with glasses perched on the end of her nose stops us. “You girls haven’t paid for your items yet.”

  Harmony scowls. “He has money.”

  I’m used to being called a girl because of my long hair so I don’t get upset, but Harmony always defends me. I pull a wad of dollars out of my pocket and one falls on the floor. Harmony bends over to retrieve it.

  “There he is!” She points to a corner near the front door where Moon blends into a pile of folded blankets. He’s reading his book. And he’s wearing a huge pair of black horn-rimmed glasses.

  “Moon!” I race toward him. “You scared the crap out of us.”

  He runs his finger under a line of words in the Frog and Toad book and starts reading aloud. Perfectly, without stumbling on a single word. My mouth drops open.

  Moon adjusts the glasses. “I can see the words!” He points toward a basket brimming with used glasses, some spilling onto the floor. “I tried on every single one. These are the best.”

  “How much?” Harmony says to the lady.

  “Ten cents.”

  I lay several crumpled bills on the counter. “We’ve got a pair of cords, two shirts, this sweater and her boots.”

  The woman fishes around in a green bank bag and hands us back the change. She glances around the store. “Where are your parents?”

  “We’re orphans,” Harmony blurts out, still holding her grungy old shoes.

  The woman gasps. I elbow Harmony, who keeps a completely straight face. “She’s kidding, ma’am. Our parents are across the street. Thanks for the stuff.”