by Leddy Harper
She tossed the duster onto the kitchen counter and turned away, her shoulders drooping. This was the real Gabi, the one I’d grown so familiar with. The depressed person I’d been living with for months on end.
“You can talk to me, Gabs. I’m here. I’m willing to listen. All you have to do is trust me. Open up to me like you used to.”
“I’m so tired of talking!” she yelled through a sob.
I couldn’t contain my scoff. “Are you kidding me right now? You never talk. Not to me! You hole yourself up in our room all day and either sleep or read. You don’t even look at me anymore. I feel like you wouldn’t even notice if I was gone.”
She turned around and her tear-stained face made my breath catch in my throat. “Don’t leave me,” she begged with the tiniest whimper. “I know I haven’t been good to you, and I’m trying to change that. I’m trying to be intimate with you, but you’re pushing me away.”
“That’s not true. I’m desperate for it, Gabi. But I refuse to do it this way. Not when you’ve been drinking. I know if you were sober, you’d be in bed, in sweats, hidden behind your book—not trying to seduce me. Did something happen at your appointment today that upset you?”
She nodded and wiped her blotchy face.
“Tell me about it. I want to hear what happened. Let’s do this together.”
“Dr. Greiner thought it would be a good idea to discuss my mom. He knows all about my issues with her, so I don’t understand why he’d make me go there again. But he did.”
“Did you talk about her?”
“Yeah.” That’s all she needed to say. I knew how badly her mother had hurt her, the irreparable damage she’d caused, and I understood where her pain had come from, having to dredge it all up again. “So I came home and had a glass of wine to calm down. Then I had another.”
“If you have to drink after talking about your mom, then I’m going to assume there’s a logical reason behind Dr. Greiner’s interest in revisiting those issues. You need to actually deal with what happened, Gabi. There’s a big difference between talking about it and dealing with it.”
Her bottom lip quivered right before she sucked it into her mouth. She grabbed her glass of wine from the counter and turned around, saying, “I’m going to take a bath,” over her shoulder.
“What about dinner?”
“I’m not hungry.” That was all she said to me for the rest of the night.
Two visits to her therapist and she’d locked herself up tight in her depression, while holding me hostage, as well. I didn’t leave her side the entire weekend. I knew she was upset about me going on the work trip Monday morning, but her despair was more than that. It went beyond not wanting me to leave her alone for a day. Although, she wouldn’t admit it. She continued to say her mother wasn’t the issue, and I eventually gave up trying to reason with her.
I didn’t know how much longer I could hold out before tossing in the towel and giving up completely. Her darkness knew no bounds and would eventually take me down with her. I didn’t know how much more I could handle.
“What do you mean, one room?” Eden shouted in disbelief at the hotel receptionist. We’d caught an early flight out to Texas and spent the entire trip in silence—her dealing with her personal issues, and me dealing with mine. This was the first time I’d heard her actually speak more than two words strung together since I’d picked her up from her apartment at five this morning.
“I booked two separate rooms and even confirmed it last night,” I said to the desk clerk, explaining things in a calmer manner than Eden.
“I know, I see that right here, but one of the rooms you booked had a water leak in it this morning. We’ve been trying to find a solution for you, but as of right now, we don’t have another available room.”
“That’s it. Let’s go to another hotel,” Eden snarled, clearly pissed off.
“The meeting is here.”
“We can’t change it? You can’t call him and let him know what’s happening?”
“No, he’s staying here, too. We decided to meet here because it was close to the airport. He’s coming in from out of town and the reservations have already been made.”
“Good, then you can stay in their room,” she said with her arms crossed and the huff of a petulant child.
I couldn’t help it. I found it amusing. The thought of sharing a room with Eden scared the shit out of me too, but there was nothing else we could do at the moment. I laughed at her attitude, furthering her anger toward me.
She narrowed her eyes. “You think this is funny? Let’s call Gabi and see what she thinks about it. Let’s see how humorous she finds the idea of us sharing a room.”
I turned to the receptionist. “That’s fine, we’ll take it. But if there’s a cancellation, could you let us know, please?”
She agreed and got us checked in. As if one bedroom wasn’t bad enough, it was one room with only one bed. I really began to think God was fucking with me. Either that or it was Satan. Who knew. All I knew was that I was stuck in a room with Eden, the temptress herself, overnight.
We got dressed—separately—and then made our way down to the restaurant to meet with the men looking for my help in salvaging their company.
Everything went smoothly, and I ended up making an offer. Eden didn’t speak much to me, but she did interact with everyone else rather politely. No one could even tell she harbored such resentment toward me over the room situation.
It wasn’t until the music started to play, the lights dimmed, and people began dancing that the night suddenly turned. I was content sitting in my seat, watching everyone else. But Kyle, the owner of the business I had just agreed to take over, suggested Eden and I take the floor to celebrate. He had his wife with him and they stood up, waiting for us to follow. If he had seen the look on Eden’s face, he probably would’ve given up, but he didn’t. She reluctantly stood and took my offered hand.
When we made it out to the floor, I wrapped my arm around her waist, holding her close with her hand in mine. She placed her other hand on my shoulder and started to slowly sway with the beat of the song. It oddly felt a lot like my sixth-grade dance. Cold and awkward. But we had the attention of everyone at the table, so we had to make the most of it.
Eden had on a simple black dress with heels that put her much closer to my height. The dress itself was modest, nothing fancy about it. But on her, it was anything but. It fit her curves perfectly, like it was made for her. Her breasts were completely covered, not even an inch of cleavage showing, and the bottom part clung to her thighs.
At some point during my assessment of her wardrobe, she became impossibly closer as we danced. Either she grew more comfortable in my arms or I drew her nearer and she didn’t protest. Her hand slid up my shoulder, rested at the base of my neck, and she pressed her face against my cheek.
“Talk to me…tell me something,” I whispered into her ear as we swayed gently to the music.
“What would you like to hear?” She almost sounded out of breath, exactly how I felt.
“I don’t care. Just tell me something.”
“My parents don’t know I’m alone in Florida. I lied and told them I moved with a friend from NYU.”
“Why would you do that?”
“Because I moved to Florida to find my birth mother.”
My steps faltered. I didn’t expect to hear her admit that to me. “I thought you moved because of Kauffmann? And why wouldn’t you tell your parents the truth?”
“I did move because of Kauffmann, after I found out my birth mother works there.”
I froze. I literally stopped moving and pulled away enough to look into her eyes. It was like she just admitted to kidnapping a child or something. “She what? Who is it?”
Eden shook her head and moved closer to me, wrapping her arms around my neck. She began to sway as if nothing had happened, as if she hadn’t confessed that I employed her birth mother, a woman she apparently hadn’t met and was searching for.
“I’m not ready to talk about that yet,” she said into my ear. “I was already taking accounting classes because I love numbers, and that’s when I found out about her. I learned she worked there and then I began looking into the company. That’s why I didn’t really know anything about you because I was too busy looking at other things.”
“That’s what you were upset about last week?”
“That and other things.”
“Me?” I didn’t want to hear her answer, but then again, I did.
She hesitated. I didn’t like the hesitation. “Don’t you think it’s weird that I go looking for my birth mother and she works for you? I go to a bar the night before my interview and you’re there. Not just there, but we were both alone. That moron tried to hit on me and you stepped in. I find a nice and quiet place on the beach and you appear again. At what point do you stop thinking it’s a coincidence and start thinking it’s something bigger?”
I didn’t answer her. I didn’t know how to. I’d wondered the same thing and found it strange to hear my thoughts come out of her mouth. It wasn’t that I disagreed with her. It was more along the lines of not knowing what to do about it. Leaving Gabi while she was hurting so badly was nothing but a selfish thing to do. The only person benefitting from that scenario would be me. I’d always thought of Gabi, always put her first—still did. I thought about how much it would hurt her to know I’d confided in Eden—about her, about us.
“I don’t know what this thing is between us, but it’s driving me crazy,” Eden whispered while lightly running her nails through the short hairs on the back of my head. “I feel like I’m sitting on the sidelines waiting to be called in to play the game. I don’t want to be that person.”
Her confession took me by surprise. I knew we had chemistry, and I knew she felt it as much as I did. But not once did she ever admit how she truly felt about me. Then again, it wasn’t like I’d acknowledged it, either. Until now, it’d been nothing more than an invisible line we didn’t discuss. We tiptoed on either side, but never crossed it. She’d shown me and my relationship with Gabi nothing but respect, all while silently torturing me with an illusion I’d never be able to grasp.
“I know.” I lowered my mouth to her ear. “But you have to understand it’s not an easy decision to make. It’s not like I’m deciding to trade in a car. I’ve been with her since I was sixteen years old. Infatuated with her since I was fifteen. I’ve been in love with her for over ten years and have spent every day of my adult life taking care of her. She needs me right now; I can’t just walk away from that.”
“I understand. I hope you’re both happy. And if she gets better—when she gets better—I hope you find that again. I meant it when I said you deserve it.”
She kissed my cheek, released me, and then walked away. I was left standing in the middle of the dimly lit dance floor, watching her leave.
I could physically hear my time ticking away. But I wasn’t sure what time that was.
My time with Gabi…or my time with Eden.
But one of them was coming to an end.
8
Not too long after Eden returned to the room, I said goodnight to the men downstairs, excusing myself with feigned exhaustion from such a long day. Since we’d had a few drinks at dinner, we waited until the following morning to sign the contract, leaving no reason for me to stay. I certainly didn’t contribute much to their conversation with Eden on my mind.
Eden was on the bed with the covers up to her neck, facing away from the door, when I walked in. I assumed she’d fallen asleep, so I grabbed my bag and headed for the bathroom.
It wasn’t until the hot water streamed down my bare body that I really took a mental step away and thought about what I was doing. I was out of state, in a hotel room with Eden, my assistant. I was in the shower, naked, while someone other than my fiancée slept in the bed mere feet away. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Eden’s whispered words on the dance floor echoed in my head.
This wasn’t the man I aspired to be.
I’d spent years sacrificing for others. Work, home, friends, family. I always made sure everyone else’s needs were met before taking care of my own. I had a deep desire within me to be there for others, to offer myself to anyone who needed me, despite what I needed from anyone else.
I’d always been a selfless man.
But this wasn’t selfless.
This…was greedy.
However, I had to face the facts. I was only human—a man in desperate need of companionship. And Gabi couldn’t give that to me. It wasn’t wrong to crave a connection with another person…only if I acted on impulses and crossed moral lines. I couldn’t continue to beat myself up over confiding in someone who genuinely wanted to listen to me.
After I got out of the shower and put on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt, I turned off the light and carefully opened the door. The moment I stepped into the room, I froze. My feet halted and my breathing stopped. Eden sat up on the bed against the headboard. She had her knees drawn up to her chest, the sheet draped over her, and her long, wet hair over one shoulder. But the sight of her watching me wasn’t what caught my attention. It was her glistening eyes, the redness dusting her clean face. Tears lined her cheeks and her chin dimpled and quivered.
I went to her—without hesitation, not giving it a second thought. I closed the distance between the bathroom and the bed and took a seat on the edge of the mattress. All I wanted to do was hold her, pull her face to my chest and make everything okay, but I couldn’t do that. That would be wrong.
“What happened, Eden?” I leaned into the middle of the bed to get closer, doing my best to comfort her while retaining a safe distance between us.
“Can we talk?” she whispered and wiped her face.
“Of course. You can tell me anything.”
“It’s about what I said earlier tonight. While we were dancing. I think that second glass of wine clouded my judgment, and I need to clear the air.”
“Don’t worry about it, Eden. We’ve both said and done things we shouldn’t have. I know I won’t let that happen again. Please, don’t cry about it.”
“No…I need to say this.” She rubbed beneath her nose and sniffled before continuing, not once looking at me while she spoke. “I realize what I said implied I’m waiting around for you. And that’s wrong. That’s not what I’m doing. I hope your relationship works out and you find happiness with Gabi. She’s your fiancée. She’s the one you chose to be with and marry. She’s the one you were going to have a baby with. And it’s wrong to imply otherwise.”
“I knew what you meant.”
“This has been really hard for me. You’re an incredible man. I’ve never met anyone like you before. You’re kind and generous and smart and funny. All those things and more are what attracted me to you to begin with. But this isn’t about me, and I feel like I’m making everything worse for you.”
I was confused. I had no idea what she was trying to say. “How are you making anything worse? Honestly, Eden, you make so many things better.”
“That’s the problem. I’ve become your emotional crutch. You’re not happy at home, your relationship is weighing on you, and instead of concentrating on that, you come to me for the highs to balance out your lows. I’ve become your vacation.”
Her perspective was one I hadn’t considered, but it made complete sense. I looked forward to seeing her because I knew she’d put a smile on my face. I knew she’d make me laugh and shine a light in the dark corner I hid in. When I was at home and Gabi ignored me or locked herself in the room to cry alone, I thought about Eden. Sometimes I’d text her for some semblance of life again.
She was right.
It wasn’t fair.
Not to her. Not to me.
And certainly not to Gabi.
I was a selfish ass.
“I’m sorry,” I said, staring at the sheet twisted in her grasp. “I shouldn’t have used you like that. I’ve just never had anyone to talk to,
and I guess I allowed the lines to blur.”
“You’re not the only one in the wrong here, Dane. I’ve said things, too. Last week in the office when I blew up at you and asked you things I had no right to ask…I never should’ve done that. I had no right to question your love for her or if you planned to leave her.”
I dropped my head and allowed the words to spill out of me. “I’ve never thought about walking away from her before. I promised I’d take care of her, and that’s what I’ve done. I started making money when I was fourteen years old. By the time Gabi and I got together, I was completely supporting myself—aside from the typical living expenses my parents took care of. But I bought my first car, my first computer…everything. I’ve been taking care of Gabi in every sense of the word since day one. And not once did I ever think that maybe there’s something better out there for me. That maybe there’s someone better out there, who’ll make me happy and not drag me down all the time.”
“You can’t hold yourself to the people you were a decade ago. Or even five years ago. Dane, people change. We evolve. We become better or worse versions depending on what we’ve had to endure. And from what I gather, Gabi has endured a lot. And along with it, so have you. Just because you were there for her since the first day doesn’t mean you have to suffer until the last.”
“I don’t know what to do,” I whispered, sounding every bit as somber as I felt.
“Your only two choices are to leave or stay. Take everything else out of the equation—your past, the issues you’ve gone through, the baby…all of it. This is about you. What you need. You either stay with her and make the best of it, or you leave in the hopes you’ll someday find what it is you need. No one can decide that for you.”
I ran my hands down my face and released a long exhale. This whole time, I thought I’d stayed with Gabi because she needed me. And maybe I had. Maybe that weighed heavily in the decision. However, listening to Eden, I realized there was more to it than that. And it only made me more of a coward. I hadn’t left because that would mean I’d have to make a choice. That’s what I’d been avoiding. Making a choice.