by Leddy Harper
“Can I ask you a question? You said you’ve been taking care of her since day one…does she take care of you? And I don’t mean in a sexual way. Is she there for you when you need it?”
Gabi had been there for me when my grandmother died, but that had been years ago. It was before she lost the baby, before her stepdad died, and before the first tragedy struck. Since then, she hadn’t been. But I couldn’t answer Eden’s question because the truth wasn’t that simple.
The only person who’d been there for me was Eden.
“Sometimes we do things without personal gain,” I said, staring at the wall in front of me. “We stick things out and stay places for other people. It’s not always about ourselves. It’s not always about what we get in return. I can’t think about myself all the time. Gabi’s hurting…I can’t expect her to take care of me when she can’t even take care of herself.”
“You don’t have to think about yourself all the time…but it does have to be part of the equation. Relationships have to be a give and take. Sometimes you do more of one than the other, but it can’t be like that all the time. You can’t keep giving and giving without getting anything in return. All I’ve heard you say is how much she needs you. Do you need her?”
I turned away from her and dropped my head into my hands. The pressure had begun to mount so much I didn’t think I could take it anymore. Before Eden, I never thought about what I needed or what I wasn’t getting. Then she showed me the light. She made me realize what I was missing. Since then, that’s all I’ve thought about. Yet it hadn’t done me any good. All it did was make everything worse. The pain cut deeper than I ever imagined it could, and there didn’t seem to be a viable option to make it go away.
I opened my mouth and the heartache poured out. “Over the last seven months, I’ve gotten used to merely surviving. I go to work and come home. I sit there and watch Gabi go through the motions of her depression, and then I wake up the next day to do it all again.”
“I’m sure it hasn’t always been this bad.”
“It’s always been a roller coaster. We’ve had moments of happiness and moments of severe tragedy. And for the past few weeks, all I keep thinking about is…will I ever be able to stop worrying about when and how the other shoe will drop. So many shoes have dropped over the span of our relationship, and I can’t help but wonder how many more we might have to deal with.”
The bed dipped seconds before her hand covered my shoulder, offering the support I so desperately needed. It was such an intimate touch, more so than I’d ever felt from anyone—including Gabi. It wasn’t sexual or inappropriate, but intimate nonetheless.
“I know you said you didn’t want to tell me things about Gabi because they aren’t your stories to tell, but maybe you can talk about your relationship with her. Maybe if you start from the beginning and go through the whole story of your time with her, you might be able to see where things kind of hiccupped. Then at least you’ll have a better understanding of where things turned and be able to make it right again.”
I kept my face in my hands and thought about where it went wrong. So many things had happened to her, to me, to us during our relationship, but I wasn’t sure if I could pinpoint when everything went askew.
I thought about when I first met her. “When she transferred to my school, she was the quiet girl with baggy shirts and loose-fitting jeans. Her hair was long and looked like it hadn’t been taken care of in a while. She never wore makeup and rarely met anyone’s gaze as she passed. But in spite of all that, she was still the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. She had a natural beauty about her. One you don’t often see in the sea of high school girls. It was refreshing to meet someone so perfect without all the heavy makeup and expensive clothes. Honestly, it was the first thing that drew me to her.”
“So you saw something in her you didn’t find in anyone else. That’s a good start, Dane. Because I’m sure that person is still in there. You can still find her. She’s not dead.”
I wanted to acknowledge Eden, but I knew I had to stay focused on my memories with Gabi if I ever wanted to figure out when the turning point was. “On the first day of junior year, I noticed her in the hall. She was looking at her schedule and the numbers on the doors of the classrooms. I was with a group of friends. They were in the middle of telling me something, but as soon as I saw her, their words vanished and I walked away. All I saw was her.”
“Did she change over the summer at all?”
“Not really. Her hair was longer, but still unkempt. She still wore baggy clothes, but it seemed as though the shirts had gotten a little tighter. I walked straight up to her and asked her out. I didn’t say hi or ask how her summer was. I stood in front of her and waited until she looked at me. She smiled and her eyes lit up. I asked her to dinner on Friday, and to my surprise, she said yes. I wasn’t expecting it, so I didn’t say anything else. I stood there, looking like an idiot as she laughed at me.” I couldn’t help but chuckle at how naïve I had been.
Eden was quiet, which I was thankful for.
“The beginning was great. She made me wait three weeks before I could kiss her, but as soon as she allowed me to press my lips to hers, I thought the world tipped on its axis. It was easy to tell she’d never been kissed, and it made me high. I can’t explain it, but there’s something about being the only person to claim her lips that made me feel special.”
I dropped my hands but didn’t look at Eden. Instead, I stared at the bathroom in front of me. I focused on the darkness through the cracked door and let my mind wander, piecing things together as they came to me.
“Maybe that’s what it was. She made me feel special. I had a good life, a great childhood. I don’t want to sound ungrateful for anything my parents did for me, but making me feel special wasn’t something they knew how to give. They provided for me and supported everything I went after, but it was no different than the support I’d get from any other adult.
“My father helped out and loaned me the money to help Mr. Allen. But it wasn’t like he simply wrote me a check without a second thought. We had a long talk and he spent a few days thinking about it. He made me sign a contract and had me treat it as if it were a business transaction, because that’s what it was. And when I had success at that, he continued to treat it as a business transaction. He never once told me how proud he was of me. He took the money I owed him, plus the interest, and that was the end of it. A neat and tidy transaction void of any emotion.”
“You said Gabi made you feel special. Did she show you support through this? Was she there with you during this part of your life?”
I nodded and twisted my hands between my legs while I carried on with my story. “She went on and on about how proud she was of me. It only took me three months to tell her I loved her. It took her an extra week before she returned the sentiment.” I snickered at the memory. “That was the longest week of my young life. But…she said it, and that was all that mattered.”
A giggle filled Eden’s words when she said, “It sounds like she made you wait for everything. That must be where you learned to be patient.”
“Yeah. She made me wait eight months before we had sex. It was the first time she’d ever had sex. And knowing she was giving that part of herself to me was an emotion unlike any other. But then a few months later, my world came crashing down. For the first time in my life, I experienced true tragedy.”
Instead of prying, she simply rubbed my back and waited for me to continue. It comforted me and took some of the weight off my shoulders as I remembered the first heartbreak I had to go through in life.
“My grandmother, who meant the absolute world to me, died of a stroke. Since my parents were workaholics and hardly ever home, she had practically raised me. The majority of my childhood had my Grans in it. She was my everything, and I was hers. But I woke up one morning, got ready for school, and found out during breakfast when the phone rang. It had been the worst day of my life. I climbed into bed again, still dre
ssed for school, and hid beneath the covers for the rest of the day. Gabi came over after school and climbed in with me. We didn’t talk—we didn’t kiss or even have sex. We just laid there in silence. She was the only one there for me.”
“That was the first shoe that dropped?”
I nodded and wiped my burning eyes. “Yeah, but it didn’t take long before the next one fell. Except, this time, it was Gabi who suffered. It’s the worst feeling in the world to know something’s going on with the one person you love more than anything, and you can’t do anything about it. I knew something was wrong, but she wouldn’t open up. Once she did, my world fractured, right before it shattered. I had never experienced such anger or helplessness before. I could have murdered someone, and I probably would have if the authorities hadn’t stepped in.”
“Is this the secret you can’t talk about?”
“Yeah. I don’t feel right violating her confidence.”
“You don’t have to explain. I understand.”
“The trial and depositions and testimony practically broke her.” I met Eden’s stare. “That was the first time I watched a piece of her die, and I think some of me died with her. It had taken more than a year before she resembled normal again—and by normal, I mean she wasn’t depressed. At one point during the whole ordeal, she was on a suicide watch for three days in the hospital after taking an undetermined number of pills. I hated that more than anything, but I never left her side. I slept in the waiting room throughout the entire ordeal. No one else was there. Her mom, stepdad, and stepbrother never once came to see her. I was the only one. That’s how it always was—just the two of us. I had her and she had me. We had no one except each other.”
“But you said she got better, right?”
“Better…but never the same. That changed her in ways I don’t think anyone could ever come back from.”
Eden sniffled. The tears in her eyes did something to me, broke and healed parts of my heart, for reasons I didn’t comprehend. I had to look away. I couldn’t see her sympathy and not be greatly affected by it.
“Gabi followed me to college, even though she didn’t attend. But we lived together and everything was great. She smiled and laughed and had fun, but not like before. The days spent endlessly crying seemed to have been over for the most part—however, her insecurities grew. I convinced her to go to the salon one day and get her hair done, and she seemed to have felt better after that. But about a month later, we got into an argument and she accused me of trying to change her. That I’d wanted her to look different and prettier. That was never my intention. I had thought it might make her feel good about herself again. I knew after what she’d been through, she’d never be the same, but that didn’t stop me from trying. The fucker who hurt her was locked away for a long time and his life would never be the same, but it didn’t matter because hers wouldn’t either.”
“This was all while you were in college?”
I nodded. “We moved home after I graduated. My parents came to the ceremony, but they treated me as if my accomplishments were merely an expectation and not a success. Gabi didn’t act that way, though. She was proud of me and let me know it. We never discussed what would happen after I finished school; it was more or less assumed. She didn’t have anywhere to go, and I never intended to stay away from home forever, so she came with me. That was the first time our relationship seemed like an obligation.”
“You didn’t want her to move home with you?”
“No…I did. Of course I did. But she moved to Tallahassee so I could go to college. She stayed at the apartment. She didn’t go to school, she didn’t work, she was just there. And then when I came home, she followed with no discussion about it. Don’t get me wrong…it was exactly what we both wanted. I went to school so I could get a degree and support her. I never thought twice about it. But looking at it now…it just feels different.”
“I get it. Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
I almost grew lost in her eyes. The pull they had on me was unlike anything I’d ever felt, and I had to shake my head and look away to keep from drowning in them. “We moved home and I bought a condo immediately. She no longer spoke to her mom and my parents were always gone, so we needed a place of our own. We went looking and I bought the first place she fell in love with. It was nice, but I liked it more because she was so excited about it. It appeased her. It didn’t matter what satisfied me anymore—it was all about her and her having everything. I would have given her the moon if it had been possible. The way she lit up at the condo and the view of the Gulf put a smile on my face. When I took her furniture shopping, I let her pick everything. The entire place was hers and I didn’t mind one bit.
“A few years after we moved home, she found out about her stepdad dying. It was sudden and unexpected. He was out in the yard, cutting the grass, when he had a massive heart attack and passed away. Gabi’s mom took it hard. She grew even more detached from reality and distanced herself even more from her daughter. Gabi didn’t take the news of her stepdad or her mother’s breakdown well, which I didn’t fully understand. She didn’t like her mom very much and didn’t even speak about her stepdad at all prior to that. She hadn’t talked to her mom in years and it had been even longer since she had seen her. But it was still her mom, nonetheless, and I guess that kind of thing would’ve been hard no matter what kind of relationship they had.”
I glanced at Eden, and I worried about how she analyzed the situation when hearing the story of Gabi and her mother. I hadn’t thought about Eden’s situation with her own mother, and I suddenly felt horrible for speaking about it without thinking. But she offered me a small, comforting grin, and let me continue.
“Things got even worse when they discovered her stepbrother had inherited everything, leaving her mom with nothing. Gabi battled with herself about what to do, but ultimately decided it wasn’t her fight and let her mother deal with it alone. It wasn’t an easy decision to make, and it caused her to fall into another deep bout of depression.”
“Why?” Eden’s whispered word surrounded me like a fleece blanket, warm and comforting.
“She felt responsible for her mother’s downward spiral. She took the blame on herself because she’d decided not to get involved. And I began to worry I’d never see the girl I loved. The unhappier she became, the more I followed her down the dark path. But with time and therapy, she began to come out of it. She wasn’t the same as she was before, and it started to seem as if I lost more of her with each tragedy that struck our lives. It was like I lost part of myself each time, as well. And every time, our relationship grew darker and darker. Things just became even worse no matter what I did to try to fix it. I buried myself in work and gave her the space she needed, hoping things would turn around. Leaving her wasn’t an option, so I stayed and made the most of it.”
“Why do you keep saying leaving wasn’t an option? I don’t understand.”
“I’d promised her I’d always protect her. I’d keep her safe. I couldn’t do that if I left.”
“Dane,” she breathed out and moved closer to me, her arm crossing my body to my other shoulder in support. “That’s not a reason to stay with someone.”
“I know…but I had faith that if we stuck it out, things would get better again.”
“And they did?”
“Yeah. She was back to being happy—or happier than she was—in time for our eleventh anniversary. I always did something for her every year, so I planned a cruise for us to go on. We had so much fun. It was like I had my old Gabriella again.” I smirked and stared at my hands as I thought about that trip. “On the night of the formal dinner, I had it all set up with the wait staff. I proposed at the table in the middle of the dining room. People clapped and cheered all around, and Gabi acted surprised, as if she had no idea it was coming.”
“Did she know?”
I looked over at Eden and smiled. “Yeah. She knew. She actually picked out her ring. Shortly before our anniversary, she m
ade a big deal about how long we’d been together and said she was starting to feel like I’d never ask.” I shook my head and turned my attention to the ceiling. “I didn’t feel pressured at the time, but in retrospect, she was pretty much telling me to pop the question. She was right, though. We’d been together for eleven years—there really wasn’t a reason for us to wait any longer.”
“Why did it take you so long to ask?”
I shrugged, not fully knowing the answer. “I guess there had been so much going on I never felt the time was right. If I’m being honest…I still don’t think the time was right when I asked, but it was what she wanted. So I gave it to her, because I’d promised I’d always do what was right by her.”
“How were things after the cruise?” she asked, moving my memories along.
“We must’ve conceived that week. The following month, she informed me she was pregnant—I’ll never forget that moment. I came home from work and found six positive pregnancy tests sitting on the counter in the bathroom in the shape of a heart. Time stood still for me. She was excited and I tried to be, as well, though I couldn’t help but be terrified. I had just proposed to her, and the next thing I knew, we were having a baby. It took me a day to be excited, and from then on, I was looking forward to it as much as she was.”
Eden reached over and wiped a tear from my cheek. I hadn’t realized I’d started to cry. Then she took my hand in hers and squeezed it. The support she offered me was almost unbearable.
“The night she woke up covered in her own blood took all that excitement away. It also permanently took the life and smile from Gabi.”
I removed my hand from hers and took a deep breath. There really was no way to pinpoint when things had gone wrong. No matter how much I thought about everything, I still couldn’t decipher when the turning point was. All I knew was I’d lost a piece of her with each horrible circumstance, and there was no way of finding them again. I had lost pieces of myself as well and never thought I’d see them again, either.