Dane

by Leddy Harper

  “What’s the point, Dane? You left me. You don’t want me anymore. I’m used up and worthless to you.”

  “That’s not true. You’re broken and beaten down, but that doesn’t mean you can’t change that. You’re stronger than this. I know you are. Don’t let him win. Don’t let what he did to you keep you from living. He’s won for twelve years, and it’s time you put an end to the control he’s had over you. And I never want to hear you say you’re worthless again.”

  Gabi cleared her throat, making it known just how weak she was. “What does this mean for us?”

  “We don’t need to talk about that right now. It’s not important.”

  “Yes, it is, Dane. It is important. I need to know I have a reason to get out of here.”

  “That reason should be your health. Not the status of our relationship. I’ve been your reason to live for too long now. I can’t shoulder that kind of responsibility anymore. You should want to live for yourself, to give yourself a better life than the one you’ve had. You need to do it for you. No one else. Nothing else.”

  “I don’t know if I can,” she whispered.

  Just then, a knock sounded at the door. I turned in my seat to find a man in a white coat. His salt-and-pepper hair made him appear to be in his fifties or early sixties, but the lack of wrinkles on his face lessened that age by about ten years.

  “Good morning, Gabriella. How are you feeling?” He studied me as he spoke to Gabi, probably making sure I hadn’t upset her. He obviously saw the tears and expression of distress on her face. “As long as everything goes well, you’re looking at being discharged tomorrow. There are just a few things we need to discuss and go over first.”

  “So that’s it?” I stood, falling right back into the protective role I’d always taken when it came to Gabi. “She tried to commit suicide and you’re just going to release her tomorrow?”

  “You must be Dane Kauffmann. I’m Dr. Clark.” He extended his hand between us.

  I took it but never lowered my eyes from his.

  Dr. Clark turned to Gabi, but spoke to the both of us. “As we discussed, I strongly urge you to follow up with either your psychiatrist or an aftercare facility. There are several local rehabilitation clinics that I think you could benefit very well from.”

  “So you’re leaving that up to her?” I couldn’t calm my aggression if I tried.

  With a gentle smile, he turned his attention to me. “If she’s not presenting to be a threat to herself or others, we can’t make her do anything. And after assessing her, we don’t feel she falls into either category.”

  “She tried to kill herself a few days ago…and you’re telling me she’s not a continued threat to herself?”

  “That’s correct, Mr. Kauffmann. Although, we have advised her to seek additional treatment.”

  I faced Gabi with wide eyes, silently asking for her response. Instead of giving me one, she fidgeted with the blanket and dropped her gaze. I balled my hands into fists, fighting back my anger over the entire situation. She clearly needed deep psychological counseling, and it seemed I was the only one pushing for it.

  “Please tell me you’re going to go to one of these places, Gabi. You need to get help.”

  “They’re expensive. I don’t have any money.”

  “That’s what’s keeping you back? Money?” When I raised my voice, Dr. Clark settled a gentle hand on my arm to calm me down. It worked, but it didn’t silence me. “Gabi, you have insurance, and you know I’ll pay the rest. You don’t have to worry about the financial aspect. All you need to worry about is getting better. Let me take care of the rest.”

  “You’ve done so much for me already. You’ve supported me my entire adult life. I can’t ask you for money after you left me. You’ve made it very clear you don’t want to be together anymore, so why would you do this?”

  “Because I love you, Gabs.”

  “Not enough to stay.”

  I let out a huff of air and fell into the seat next to her bed. I dropped my head into my hands and tugged at my hair, more than frustrated with the circumstance. Looking at her, meeting her eyes, I said, “I told you we would discuss that later. Right now, the most important thing is getting you better. Healthy. We can worry about the other after you’ve gotten the help you need.” I knew if I told her we were over for good, she’d never seek the attention she required.

  “I don’t want to ask—”

  “You’re not asking, Gabi. I’m offering. I’m begging.” I turned to the doctor. “How do we get her in one of these places?”

  “A caseworker will be happy to discuss the options with you and place some calls to see where she can get into immediately that accepts her insurance. If you’d like, I can have one of them come in and speak to you both about it.”

  Without looking to Gabi for approval, I said, “Please. That would be great.”

  He nodded with a smile. “I’ll go get someone for you. And I’ll be back later to check on you, Gabriella. In the meantime, you need to stay calm and rest.”

  Once the door closed, I took Gabi’s hand again. “We’re going to get you better, Gabs.”

  18

  I had no intention of spending so long at the hospital, so once I made it home, I rushed through my shower. I ignored the disaster Gabi had left behind and focused on getting cleaned up in order to get to Eden’s and explain everything that was going on. I was on the verge of losing control, and the only thing that would settle my fried nerves was a certain redhead.

  Four hours after I called her, I finally made it to her apartment.

  She opened the door and stood there, watching me with concern etched in her features. I didn’t give her enough time to ask any questions or say anything. Unable to wait a second longer, I took her face in my hands and covered her lips with mine. It took her a moment to respond, and then her hands came up to grip the sides of my shirt. She held onto me with the same desperation that coursed through my veins.

  “What happened?” she asked as soon as she pulled away to catch her breath.

  I moved inside the apartment so she could close the door, and then took her by the hand to lead her to the couch. Rather than sitting, I fell onto it and tugged her down next to me. I buried my head into her neck and allowed myself to become consumed by the scent of gardenia, knowing it would calm my racing heart and frantic mind.

  “Did you go home and fall asleep or something? I was expecting you hours ago.”

  I ran my fingers through her hair and met her worried stare. A sigh passed my lips. I wasn’t sure how she’d take what I had to tell her. “I ran by the hospital on my way home. Apparently, Gabi wasn’t thrilled that her mom had shown up, and her normal therapist thought I should be involved in her treatment options.”

  The concern I originally saw in her eyes faded into despair. The hopelessness reflecting back at me left me frantic, anxious over what she’d say. I expected anger, jealousy. But what I got was so much worse. Indifference. Defeat. It was so strong it threatened to still my heart and take away the breath from my lungs.

  “So you went to Gabi first?”

  “No…it wasn’t like that.”

  Eden shoved against my chest and sat up, making me sit up with her. “You got out of jail, told me you were going to go home to shower and then come over. But instead, you went to the hospital to see Gabi. To make sure she was okay. You left here two days ago and I never heard from you. I’ve been worried sick. But…you went to her.”

  “The hospital was on my way home. And I’m glad I did, because they were just going to release her tomorrow as if she hadn’t tried to kill herself a few days ago. She needs help, and if I hadn’t shown up and gotten her into a treatment facility, they would’ve just let her go.”

  “You’re not hearing a word I’m saying.”

  “I am. I understand you’re upset.” I grabbed her hands and held them in her lap, forcing her to look at me. Desperate for her to hear what I tried to convey. “I didn’t mean to make y
ou worry. I asked Janette to call you and tell you what had happened. Apparently, she didn’t do that.”

  “When did you talk to Janette?”

  I let my head hang while I fought against exhaustion and frustration. “I called her after I was arrested. I needed a lawyer, and she’s my publicist. She needed to know what was going on in order to cull the stories and rumors that would inadvertently start. I wasn’t supposed to get out until tomorrow morning because I had to wait for arraignment, so she had to be informed in the event I missed work or that word got out about my arrest. I told her to call you. The last thing I wanted was to worry you.”

  “Back up. What were you arrested for?”

  I settled into the couch and explained everything. I started with what I’d learned from Marie, told her about Todd and what had happened at his house, the cops that showed up and cuffed me, and then ended it with why I was released early and how I didn’t have any charges pending against me. Through all this, Eden remained silent, listening stoically as I gave her every detail of the last two days.

  “So she hadn’t made it up? She really was raped?” Her sympathy was genuine, which only solidified what an amazing person she was. No matter how she felt about the situation, she showed indisputable concern for my ex. I didn’t have much dating experience, but I knew that wasn’t a trait most women would be able to pull off.

  I shook my head and let that sink in. “I can’t help but feel like this entire situation is my fault. She’d asked me to let her explain after she told me the truth about Sean, but I wouldn’t let her finish. Had I just given her a minute, she wouldn’t have tried to kill herself.”

  “You can’t blame yourself, Dane. You didn’t know there was so much more to her story. I’m sure most people would’ve had the same reaction you did. It’s only natural when faced with betrayal. But I think it also says a lot about where your mind’s at. If you’re feeling this bad about it, maybe you should take some time to figure it all out.”

  I was stunned into silence, at a loss with how to respond. I didn’t understand what she meant. I thought I knew, but I didn’t want to believe it. “What are you saying, Eden? Take time to figure out what?”

  “You left her because you thought she had lied about everything. Now you know she didn’t.”

  “That’s not entirely true. She did lie and sent an innocent man to prison. A man who was wrongly condemned and then killed himself because of it. But that doesn’t explain what you mean by take some time.”

  Her shoulders drooped and her hands were limp in mine. Her eyes were dry and she wore a brave face, but I could tell it was a facade. And I could guess why, but I needed to hear her say it so I could clarify it for her, once and for all.

  “I don’t think you know what you want.” Her voice shook with emotion.

  “You’re wrong. I do know what I want. If this is your way of breaking things off with me, trying to push me away, then stop. I wouldn’t be here right now if I didn’t want to be with you.”

  “You can’t say that. Because you were with Gabi when you didn’t want to be. You’ve told me that many times. From where I stand, you only left her because she gave you a reason to. You came to me, realized you wanted to be with me, because you were no longer tethered to her. But all that was a lie. The out she gave you wasn’t valid. You only thought so because you didn’t know the whole truth.”

  “That doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with you just because my reasons for leaving were a misunderstanding.”

  Eden removed her hands from mine and scooted away from me on the couch, adding distance between us. “You just admitted to me that you blame yourself. You said had you listened to her in the first place, she wouldn’t have tried to kill herself. To me, that means you wouldn’t have left her, and had you not done that, you wouldn’t have come to me.”

  Her words ate at me. I could see where she had gotten that from, but it couldn’t have been further from the truth. “That’s not true—she still lied, and while she may not have attempted suicide if I had stayed to listen, it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have still left. Did you not listen to anything I said to you the other night? I meant every word, Eden. I was with her for all the wrong reasons. I’m sorry it took you to open my eyes to that, but it doesn’t change anything. It shouldn’t matter why or how I left…all that should matter is that I did. I left her and came to you, where I want to be.”

  “None of this matters,” she said with her hand held up between us, keeping me from arguing with her. “Gabi needs help. We both know that, and hopefully, she realizes that, as well. I pray she can get it and become a stronger person, capable of dealing with things in a healthier manner. And while she’s doing that, I think you should allow yourself to process everything that’s happened.”

  “This is absurd. You want to press pause on this thing between us because I went to the hospital this morning before coming here?” I couldn’t fathom her reasons. They made no sense. And I wouldn’t give in, no matter what excuse she came up with.

  “No. It’s not only that—it’s everything. Dane, everything changed when you found out the truth. You were arrested for avenging her, playing the hero to defend her honor. Don’t get me wrong. He probably deserved worse than a broken nose and a concussion. But that doesn’t change what you did. You have always tried to protect her, and you’re still trying to do that. It’s obvious you need to tie up loose ends and deal with the circumstances.”

  I stood and began to pace the room while she remained on the couch and tracked my movement with her eyes. “You’re wrong, Eden. I went after him because of what he did to someone I lo—care about.”

  “You love her.”

  I dropped my head and released a frustrated growl. “Yes. And I always will. You can’t expect me to be with her for as long as I was, share everything I did with her, and just stop loving her simply because my heart isn’t in it anymore.”

  “I never said I expected you to. All I’m saying is you do. Trust me, I fully understand the feelings you have toward her and that you can’t turn them off like a light switch. I also don’t expect you to know how you truly feel about either of us days after walking out on that relationship. Days after finding out horrific things about her you never knew before.”

  “You act like I walked away from her and ran straight to you.”

  “Isn’t that what you did?”

  “No.” I fell to the floor at her feet and held onto her hips. I would beg if I had to. “I didn’t run from her to you. I’ve had one foot out the door for years now…except I didn’t realize it until you walked into my life. I thought how I felt with Gabi was normal because I didn’t know any different, that it’s how everyone feels when they’re in a long-term relationship—especially one embedded with as much grief as Gabi and I had to endure. You helped me see that I wasn’t truly living. I’ve wanted you from day one, Eden. Only I didn’t know it. I refused to admit it to myself because it made me feel like I was betraying Gabi.”

  “Well, if that’s true, then you’ll still want to be with me when she gets better.”

  I squeezed her hips, frustrated at her persistence over ending what we’d only just started. “Why are you doing this? The truth, Eden. Tell me why you’re so adamant to push me away. This isn’t about Gabi. You and I both know it.”

  She straightened her spine and inhaled deeply, releasing it in a painfully slow exhale. “It is about her. And you. And me. She’s been through enough already. Don’t you think she deserves to have support while dealing with this? If what you said is true, and she has held this secret in for practically half her life, then that means she has a steep uphill battle to conquer. And she shouldn’t face that alone.”

  “Fine. I get that. I plan to be there for her if she needs me. I’m paying for the facility she’ll be transferred to tomorrow. I’m going to make sure she has everything she needs—not only during treatment, but also when she gets out. Therapy. A place to live. She doesn�
�t have to do it by herself. But why can’t we be together in the meantime?”

  “People leave.” It may have been a whisper, but it was enough to tear me apart. “Everyone leaves, Dane. I told you…they don’t stick around. And it’s only a matter of time before Gabi gets better, and then you’ll realize how much you’ve missed her—the healthy version of her. How much you want her back. I’ve listened to you countless times talk about how you stuck it out because you were waiting for her to come back to you. You knew the girl you’d fallen in love with was still in there, and you were waiting for her to find that light again. I can’t sit around and fall for you harder and deeper every day, knowing in a matter of time, you’ll choose her. And I never want you to stay with me out of obligation the way you did her. You need to sort through all this, Dane. Give yourself the freedom to breathe without a relationship hanging around your neck. Make sure your decisions are the best ones for all three of us—you, me, and Gabi.”

  I pulled her body closer to mine until she slid off the cushion and into my lap. With my arms around her waist, hers around my neck, I buried my face into her hair. “That’s not going to happen. I know you’re scared, but like I told you the other night…I’m not going anywhere. This is where I want to be, and nothing will ever change that.”

  “You don’t know that. You can’t make those kinds of promises until you see it out. Until Gabi gets better and you see her for the girl she used to be. The girl you fell for when you were a teenager. The one you’ve been waiting to come back to you. Until you see who she is, who you are, on the other side of this, it’s not fair to any of us to pursue this.”

  “So what does this mean?” I asked with my forehead against hers. “Do we still talk? Do I still get to see you? How are we supposed to act around each other? How am I supposed to be near you and not touch you, not kiss you, not tell you how miserable I am without you?”