Dane

by Leddy Harper

  “So what do you want me to do with that information? To be honest, I’m pretty sure without charges being brought against you, the story will die. I don’t expect to have to make any more statements about it, so there’s really no need to set anything straight.”

  “Okay. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t planning on calling her my future wife or anything again. In the event Gabi hears it or reads it somewhere, I can’t risk it planting any seeds in her head.”

  “I’m confused. Does she not know it’s over?”

  I rolled my eyes, but decided to answer her anyway. “Yes, she knows.”

  “Would you leaving her for another woman have anything to do with why she went to the hospital?”

  “She doesn’t know about Eden.” I realized that while I didn’t owe Janette an explanation, giving her half of one wouldn’t benefit me either, so I decided to offer her more. “We had a fight and I left. I wasn’t aware of it at the time, but that night she tried to commit suicide. It was more than just me leaving her, but she had no idea I was with anyone else after I left.”

  “Dane,” she said with a tsk. “Please don’t tell me you were involved with your assistant prior to that.”

  “No. Actually, I wasn’t. We’d grown close at work and I’d seen her a few times outside the office. She lives down the beach from me, and occasionally, I’d see her there—unplanned. And we ended up developing feelings for one another. Neither one of us ever admitted them or even acted on them until last week after I left Gabi.”

  She was quiet for a minute, absorbing what I’d admitted. Then she leaned forward and clasped her hands together in front of her on the desk. “And this thing with you and Eden…is it still going on? I’m only asking so I know how to handle the situation in the event it causes issues at the office.”

  “No, it’s not. She made the decision yesterday to put it on hold until I have everything figured out with Gabi. I’m still taking care of Gabi financially until she can get on her feet. I don’t think it’s right to throw her out there all alone with no help, and Eden is worried I’ll change my mind and stay with Gabi once she’s better.”

  She nodded, and her silence continued.

  “And while we’re on the subject of Eden. Can you please explain why you didn’t call her when I asked you to? I used my one phone call to contact you and then you didn’t do as I asked.” This had been eating away at me and I hadn’t had a chance until now to confront her over it.

  “My heart went out to Gabi, so I didn’t call Eden. I knew there was something brewing between you and Eden, and I wanted to protect you. I’m sorry, but it’s my job to uphold your reputation, and I couldn’t do that while you had a fiancée in the hospital and a girlfriend on the side. I figured Eden would find out at work today.”

  “It’s not like that. Gabi and I are not together anymore.”

  “Listen, it’s your life. Your choices and whatnot. But if I may offer you a piece of advice… When Bill and I first got married, things were rough. My past hindered me, and he didn’t know how to handle it. I suffered from depression—not to the extent of what you’ve told me about Gabi, but I still had moments where I hated myself for decisions I’d made or things that had happened to me outside of my control. He had a hard time accepting that was who I was. He didn’t just marry me, but he married my baggage, too. We almost split up. He left for a month and stayed with a friend. But during that time, we learned to talk again. We learned to recognize what had made us fall in love with each other in the first place. Sometimes we forget why we chose the people in our lives, and we have to remind ourselves what we saw in them to begin with.”

  “With all due respect, Janette, I don’t foresee myself falling in love with Gabi again. If I’m being honest with myself, and I think it’s about time I am, I don’t believe I was ever in love with her. I loved her, and I still do. I will always love her and care deeply about her wellbeing. But we were kids when we got together. I didn’t know the first thing about love. A year after we started dating—we were in high school, mind you—she was attacked, and it left her feeling threatened. I took it upon myself to make her feel safe, even if it was only with me. I’ve been with her ever since because of that feeling. Wanting to protect her. I didn’t stick it out because I thought she was the best thing that ever happened to me, but because I wanted to be the best thing that ever happened to her.”

  Janette cleared her throat and glanced down at her clasped hands. “That’s truly a sad story. Though I’m sure it’ll all work out for the best, the way it’s meant to. Just know if you ever need to talk to anyone, I’m here.” Her eyes met mine, and what I saw reflecting back at me made my heart slow. “I have a feeling I might relate to you more than we ever thought.”

  “I appreciate that, Janette. I really do. And I’ll keep that in mind the next time I need an ear. But right now, I think I’m going to take you up on that offer and get out of here.” The thought of going back to my office didn’t sit well with me. I knew I wouldn’t be able to get anything done while staring at the closed door separating me from Eden.

  I needed to get my shit in order before facing her again. Because she was right. I couldn’t take my hurt feelings out on her. It wasn’t fair to either one of us. I had to believe she was hurting as much as I was, and I had to hold onto faith that everything would work out the way it was meant to.

  I must’ve been more tired than I realized, because I ended up sleeping most of the day. I woke up just before the sun went down, starving and feeling rejuvenated. Realizing there wasn’t much food in the house, I made a TV dinner and then headed down to the beach. I only meant to go for a walk to clear my head, but I found myself thinking of Eden the entire time. So much that I ended up passing my condo on the way back and walked toward the pier. And once I got there, I realized I hadn’t been able to breathe adequately until I found her red hair blowing in the gentle breeze.

  Not wanting to alarm her, or scare her off, I watched my steps and made my way to her. She stood at the end, leaning over the railing, gazing off at the horizon. With my hands in my pockets, I stood there for a moment, capturing the sight like a photograph, taking a mental snapshot, unsure of when I’d be able to see it again.

  “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” I asked, and then noticed her shoulders and spine stiffen.

  Eden slowly turned around to face me. “I wasn’t sure if you were going to be here, but I figured it was worth the chance to see the sunset from this place one last time.”

  I cocked my head, hoping I’d misunderstood her. “One last time?”

  “I spoke to my landlord today about breaking my lease.”

  “Why? Where are you going?” I repeated, desperate for the answer.

  “Heidi from legal is looking for a roommate. She’s asked me several times, but I finally gave it some thought today.” She spoke clearly, yet sounded so down.

  I couldn’t help but think I was the cause. “You don’t have to leave, Eden.”

  “Yeah, I do. I can’t be here anymore. I can see this spot from my apartment window, and I keep finding myself staring down, searching for you. I can’t live like this. Working with you and living this close to you is too difficult. It seems to be hard on you, too.”

  I ran my palm down my face and tried to formulate the right words to say to her so she would understand how I felt without making her feel as though I was pressuring her. “If you have to move, then I understand. To be honest, I can’t come out here without thinking of you, either. Working that closely with you and not being with you, or at least knowing I will be someday, is like a twisting knife in my chest. But I’m scared, Eden. I can’t help but feel like you’re completely pulling away from me. And if you do, then how am I supposed to prove anything to you?”

  “You’re the one who wants me to blindly trust you. That’s the only thing I’ve said you’d have to prove to me. Whether you earn my trust or you wait until Gabi is on her feet again…it’s still going to take time. We can�
�t rush this without it falling apart or blowing up in our faces. Instead of obsessing over this, put yourself to good use and do what needs to be done to get what you want.”

  I took a step closer and boxed her in with my arms. “I am doing what you asked. Can you please do what I’m asking and not completely remove yourself from my life? Give me something.”

  “If you’re so sure you won’t choose her, then you don’t need to see me every day. Weekdays will be enough.”

  I shook my head, frustrated with her reluctance to give in. “Five days a week will never be enough. I’m scared I won’t see you ever.”

  “Do you love her?”

  My gaze dropped to our feet as I slowly whispered, “Yes. But—”

  “Then you both deserve to see where things will go from here.”

  My head snapped up and we locked eyes. I didn’t look away the entire time I spoke. “You’re not asking the right question. What you should be asking is if I’m in love with her. Which my answer is no, and I likely never have been. I can still love her without ever being with her again. I can love her and know with complete certainty that I never want to be with her again. And that has nothing to do with you. Even if you told me right here, right now, that we don’t stand a chance, that you’ve made up your mind and we don’t have a future, I still wouldn’t go back to her. We’re not good together. I can care about her and want what’s best for her without being with her—that’s what friends do. And the truth is, that’s what we’ve always been.”

  She stared at me as if pondering what I’d said, but I couldn’t let it go with that.

  “Ask me if I care about you.”

  She tucked her chin to her chest and said, “I don’t need to, Dane.”

  Putting my finger beneath her chin, I lifted it and forced her to make eye contact with me. “Ask me.”

  With a slight huff, she conceded. “Do you care about me?”

  “More than you know. Now ask if I love you.”

  “No. I won’t ask that, and you shouldn’t say it.”

  “Why not?”

  She jerked her head to the side, making my hand fall, and then straightened her spine, meeting my gaze once more. “Because you just admitted that you’re capable of loving someone without being tied to them.”

  “That’s not what I said. Don’t put words in my mouth.”

  “Fine. But you admitted to loving another woman. I don’t want to be one on a list. I already know you care about me. And you’re absolutely right, Dane—there’s a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone, but in order for the latter to be true, there has to be more than a deep friendship and one night of passion.”

  There were so many things about Eden I found attractive, but none more than her confidence when she got riled up. “Fine, but when you hear those words come from my mouth, know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’m in love with you. There will be no question. You will listen to me. And you will believe me.”

  “I’m sure that when that time comes, you won’t have to tell me. I’ll already believe it.”

  I kissed her forehead and then took a step away to give her space. I wanted more than her forehead, but I wasn’t about to press my luck. I no longer felt that she was fighting me or pushing me away. I could see clearly that this was simply her defense mechanism, protecting herself from getting hurt and trying to give me what she had repeatedly told me I deserved—happiness—even if that came without her. The truth was, she cared about me enough to make my happiness her priority, and that was worth waiting for. And for the first time since our talk in her living room yesterday, I found a sliver of hope. I would hold onto it and use it in my favor.

  If she wanted proof, then I’d give her proof.

  And in return, I’d gain her trust.

  Her love.

  Her everything.

  Even though her lips didn’t move, I could see the smile in her eyes. “Pull another stunt like you did this morning, and I won’t give you the courtesy of a two-week notice. I mean it, Dane. And don’t even think about planning out-of-state business meetings that involve hotel rooms. If you have any of those, you’re flying solo.”

  “Duly noted. And while we’re doling out rules here. No more skirts. From now on, your dress code is pants only. And I’m rethinking letting you wear sleeveless tops. I’ll let you know later about how I feel about your hair, makeup, and the Monroe.”

  Finally, she quirked a small smile. “You said it was mandatory to show my ink and wear the Monroe.”

  “Yeah, and now I’m rethinking it. It’s a little hard to see your half-sleeve without imagining the rest of it. And I can’t imagine the rest of it without picturing you naked. And every time I look at the Monroe, I can’t help but remember how it caught the light in your room when I made you come.”

  She held up her hand to stop me. “See? This is not a professional conversation you should be having with your employee.”

  “Good thing we’re not at the office.”

  “And this just proves why I have to move.”

  I ran my finger along her jaw to her chin. “You can make me keep quiet about my thoughts, but you can’t make them go away. Just know that whenever I look at you, I’m thinking about being inside you. I’m thinking about making you scream my name while coming on my cock.” I took one step closer. “And when you’re locked in your office…” I lowered my lips to her ear, taking notice of how her breath hitched as I did so. “Just know that I’ll be thinking of you in my arms. I’ll be picturing the way we’ll look together when we’re fifty, sixty, seventy years old. I’ll be imagining the smile on your face when we say our vows to each other, and the look in your eyes when you’re pregnant with my children.”

  She released an audible sigh and placed her hand on my chest to hold me off.

  I leaned away and regarded her, even though she avoided eye contact. However, the pink hue that had tinted her cheeks didn’t go unnoticed. “So move if you have to, if seeing this pier is too much for you. Close the office door if you need to. I’m okay with that, because I know it won’t last. I know that one day, you’re going to live with me, and there won’t ever be a reason for you to shut me out again.”

  With that, I turned around and walked away, leaving her with my thoughts.

  And taking her in mine.

  20

  Standing on my balcony Friday morning and looking out over the horizon, I watched as the sky began to show the first signs of life. Over the past week, this had become my routine before getting ready for work. If I leaned over the banister enough, I could see the pier. Although, I never saw Eden there, and I knew I wouldn’t ever see her there again.

  In the few days since our meeting on the pier, things seemed to be settling down. We remained completely professional at work, only interacting when it was business related. However, in the evenings, when she wasn’t on the clock, I allowed myself to send her one text message. I’d sent two since our momentous conversation, both saying the same thing.

  Marry me.

  She hadn’t responded to either text, and the one time she’d tried to bring it up at work, asking me, “Were you drinking last night when you sent me that text,” I simply told her that was a personal question that didn’t belong in the workplace. She hadn’t asked about it since, nor had she given me an answer.

  I went back inside and took a look around. The furniture, picture frames on the wall, all the way down to the television set in the living room were picked out by Gabi. Despite years of living here, this place wasn’t mine. There wasn’t one thing in here that belonged to me. Realizing that, I knew exactly what to do.

  Instead of going to my office first, I made a stop at legal. I sat down at Heidi’s desk and told her what I needed, hoping she’d be able to help. “Well, that’s not my general scope of the law, but I’m sure we can get something drawn up. Are you sure that’s what you want to do?”

  I nodded, feeling hopeful. “The sooner the better. I’m supposed
to go see her on Monday, and I’d like to have all this wrapped up by then.” I didn’t know why I hadn’t thought about it sooner, but I was just happy I’d realized it when I did.

  We both stood and shook hands before I left her office and headed to mine. I no longer peeked in to check on Eden. I decided to stick with the plan I’d been following all week, not wanting to chance her following through with her threat and quitting. It was hard to only be able to see her when something needed to be signed or I had to send her files to check over, but that was still better than not seeing her at all. So, I decided I’d take what I could get, and while remaining professional at work, I’d still give her glimpses of me to show her this—what we had between us—was real. I knew I might’ve been toeing the line, but I couldn’t make myself stop altogether. So far my plan was bearable at best. If I had things my way, I’d see her every minute of every day for the rest of my life.

  “Hey, Dane?” Eden came into my office shortly after I sat down at my desk. She didn’t wait for my response before getting to the point of her visit. “I was wondering if it’d be okay if I left a little bit early today. Maybe two hours. If that’s pushing it, or if I can’t get my job done by three, then I at least would like to leave by four.”

  “Is everything all right?” I tried to keep the concern out of my voice by clearing my throat. It was hard, but as long as I focused on the papers in front of me and the emails on my computer, and not on her, I could manage just fine. At least, that’s what I told myself.

  “Oh, yeah. It’s just that I’m moving tomorrow and I wanted to make sure I had everything packed and ready to go. I’ll have to clean the apartment, and I didn’t want to waste the time tomorrow loading everything up, moving, and then returning to clean.” She must’ve realized she was rambling, over explaining, because she stopped speaking and waited in the silence for my response.