Regrets

by Caragh Bell

  ‘Me?’ he answered innocently. ‘I told Ollie he was off the mark. It’s just a pity you proved me wrong.’

  Lydia scowled. Ollie always trivialised everything. Only he would find her love life so amusing.

  ‘So, any word from Sam?’ she asked, changing the subject.

  ‘She posted a picture of Mount Vesuvius on Facebook.’

  ‘Oh really? I haven’t checked it.’

  Nor will I, she vowed silently to herself. She was terrified of seeing Luca or any information about him.

  ‘I’d say she’s dragging poor Craig all over the place. Pompeii one day, Rome the next. She had a secret itinerary made out and everything.’

  ‘For her honeymoon?’ said Lydia incredulously. ‘“Poor Craig” is right.’

  ‘When I go on honeymoon, I’m going to sit by the pool all day drinking cocktails. I won’t be the sightseeing type. Do you hear me, Val? Val! Do you hear me?’

  Lydia giggled. ‘Keep at it, Col. He has to crack soon.’

  ‘I just can’t understand it. If the roles were reversed, I would have proposed to myself ages ago.’

  ‘Okay, okay, Col. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.’

  ‘I get the hint,’ he said haughtily.

  ‘It’s just Molly found that DVD you brought me when I was off work. Love Actually? We’re about to watch it.’

  ‘Oh, you lucky things!’ he squealed. ‘I adore that film.’

  ‘Bye!’ Lydia ended the call. She half-expected him to FaceTime so that he could watch it with them and comment the whole way through.

  ‘I refilled your glass, Lyd,’ Molly informed her, kicking off her shoes and settling into the couch. ‘Let’s stick this bad boy on.’

  Lydia stared at the screen as Andrew Lincoln’s character threw placard after placard on the ground, professing his undying love for Keira Knightley; a woman he could never have. She felt her eyes fill with tears. It was so honest and wonderful and heart-breaking, all at once.

  To me you are perfect …

  She took a gulp of wine. She could relate to everything he was saying. For one crazy moment, she imagined herself outside Luca’s apartment in New York, telling him her true feelings while Charlotte sat on the sofa inside. She imagined herself walking away with a heavy heart, accepting the fact that it would never be.

  ‘Lyd! Are you okay?’ Molly rubbed her arm in concern. ‘It’s not that sad. I mean, he’s a bit of a stalker if you ask me.’

  ‘Oh, Mol!’ She burst into tears.

  Molly put down her glass with a clatter. ‘Lydia! Cop on. Tell me what’s wrong!’ She hugged her fiercely. ‘Come on, you dope. Tell me what’s the matter.’

  Lydia rested her face on her shoulder and sobbed. She was soaking her T-shirt, but she didn’t care. On and on she cried, all the guilt and frustration and despair pouring out of her in floods. Molly rocked her to and fro, soothing her gently.

  Finally, Lydia stopped and rubbed her nose. ‘It’s a combination of being exhausted and all the wine.’

  ‘Bullshit,’ said Molly. ‘Tell me what’s wrong.’

  ‘I had sex with Luca.’ She stared at her, waiting for the look of shock and horror to appear on her face.

  ‘Are you serious?’ Molly burst out laughing. ‘I thought you had cancer or something!’

  Lydia gave her a hard look. She obviously didn’t see the enormity of the situation.

  ‘Oh, forget it,’ she said dismissively. ‘Let’s get back to the film.’

  Molly pressed ‘pause’. ‘Not a hope, missus. Tell me everything. This is like EastEnders.’ She waited expectantly for elaboration.

  Lydia sniffed. ‘Well, I’m not proud of it …’

  ‘Enough of the self-pity.’ Molly looked stern. ‘Just the facts, please.’

  ‘Okay,’ she began, taking a deep breath. ‘You know that Luca and I had an affair when I was with Dom …’

  ‘Who doesn’t?’

  ‘Anyway, he told me he loved me and wanted me to go back to New York with him, but I left and went to Paris.’

  ‘So, you broke his heart?’

  ‘Yes, I suppose I did. Then, I realised that I had made a huge mistake. I was emotionally numb after Dom and couldn’t process my feelings …’

  ‘Go on,’ Molly encouraged, popping a chocolate in her mouth.

  ‘So, when Sam got engaged, I realised I was going to meet him again. I was initially freaked out.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘When we met, I couldn’t deny it anymore. He’s all I want. And now he’s engaged.’

  ‘So why did you have sex with him?’ Molly’s blue eyes were wide.

  ‘Because I love him,’ she replied sadly. ‘I’m not proud of it, but I couldn’t help myself. Nor could he.’

  Molly said nothing. She just popped another chocolate into her mouth and chewed slowly.

  ‘Does he love you?’

  The words knifed her heart.

  ‘No.’ It killed her to admit it.

  ‘It takes two to tango. I mean, you didn’t have sex with yourself.’

  ‘I think he was drunk and it was probably a closure thing. Sex and love are very different things.’

  ‘So it meant more to you than it did to him, Is that what you’re saying?’

  Lydia nodded. ‘I mean, I had just told him I loved him which meant that he held the power. The opposite to years ago.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Molly. ‘What will you do now?’

  Lydia paused. She was definitely finished with love. She was mentally fatigued by the whole business. She was now going to focus on her career and her friends.

  ‘Let’s just watch the movie,’ she said eventually.

  Molly nodded and pressed ‘play’. Emma Thompson filled the screen.

  Lydia switched off and engaged with the troubles of the many characters in the film. It was perfect escapism.

  ‘All’s fair in love and war, Lyd. You know how the saying goes.’ Molly winked at her.

  Lydia looked at sister fondly. She always cheered her up. Molly Kelly was a breath of fresh air and exactly what she needed.

  Chapter 36

  Molly left the next day. She had a date in Cork with the barman from the hotel. They had planned to go clubbing that night.

  ‘Will you be okay?’ she asked, her blue eyes serious.

  Lydia nodded.

  ‘Just rest here until Mum gets back,’ said Molly.

  Lydia nodded. ‘Have fun tonight, you minx. Keep me posted.’

  They hugged and hugged.

  ‘Laters,’ said Molly and sauntered down the path to the gate. ‘I’ll text you.’

  Lydia walked back into the kitchen. The day stretched ahead of her with endless possibilities. The sun was shining high in the sky so she decided to go for a swim in the sea. There was a small beach about a mile from her house where she could swim in peace.

  Grabbing her sailing bag, she stuffed in her bikini, a towel, some sun cream and her book. Yanking her bike out of the garage, she climbed on and took off down the lane. Birds chirped in the trees and the sky was a bright blue. Sometimes it felt great to be alive. She could feel her worries fade away as she pedalled furiously up a hill.

  The small stony beach was indeed deserted, so she changed quickly and was soon dipping her toe gingerly into the cold water. The Atlantic was never warm, but today it felt like ice.

  Come on, Lyd. Just dive in.

  It took her ten minutes to get up to her knees and the cold pricked her like a dozen needles.

  This is hell!

  The pain was almost unbearable. If only she was brave enough to jump in.

  Five minutes later, she was still dilly-dallying around so she contemplated abandoning the whole idea and sunbathing instead. She moved another six inches forward, snagged her toe on some seaweed, tripped and fell headlong into the clear water. The cold paralysed her momentarily and her muscles seized up.

  ‘Aaahhhhhhhhh!’ she screamed as she staggered to her feet again.

  However, t
he worst was over. She immersed her body again and soon found the water it to be bordering on pleasant. Kicking her legs, she swam to a nearby rock.

  Swimming in the sea was like life. If you fall, you need to face the consequences head on and the result could surprise you. She gained strength from this realisation. For the first time in months, she felt free and happy, at one with nature and the elements.

  Samantha stretched out on her sun lounger by the pool. The heat was stifling, close to thirty-five degrees, and she felt like she was melting. Every five minutes she had to immerse her body in the cool water nearby, just to stabilise her body temperature.

  Craig loved the sun and could sit out in it all day. She regarded him splayed out on his lounger, exposing as much bare flesh as he could to its rays.

  ‘You’re so brown already!’ she exclaimed, observing his bronzed skin. ‘I don’t know how you stick it.’

  ‘This is heaven,’ he replied. ‘I’m out of the office, I have no clients and I can drink beer at eleven a.m. without judgement.’

  Their hotel was perched on the rocky cliff of the village of Positano, down the coast from Sorrento. It was a five-star haven, with all the luxury that goes with it. Their bedroom sported a huge bed with crisp linen sheets, a cool tiled floor and a balcony looking out over the deep blue sea. It was so breath-takingly beautiful that Sam spent hours sitting out, gazing at the speedboats as they raced by, leaving a white trail in their wake. She remembered watching movies about this place, the windy clifftop roads and the azure sea, but they didn’t do it justice. It was like heaven on earth.

  ‘Let’s hire a boat and go to Capri tomorrow,’ she suggested. ‘I’d love to walk around the island.’

  ‘Whatever you want,’ he answered sleepily. ‘If I can wake up. I’m so relaxed, Sam. I keep dozing off.’

  ‘We could do Pompeii later in the week,’ she continued. ‘Or Rome? Naples is a bit rough by all accounts.’

  Privately, Craig would have preferred to stay by the pool for the three weeks but he knew that Sam liked to keep busy. Now that the wedding was over, there was a void in her life. Plus, she was a teacher; she was obsessed with history and culture.

  ‘Sure, baby. I’ll go anywhere you like.’

  A waiter arrived with two glasses of sparkling water. Samantha smiled at him and drank hers thirstily. She couldn’t believe the heat, how dehydrated it made her feel. Her skin was turning butterscotch brown and she felt exotic and beautiful. Lydia had texted saying that there was a heatwave back home too. It was typical of course. The one time there’s good weather in Ireland, she was abroad.

  ‘Did you book the flights to New York for Luca’s wedding, wifey mine?’ Craig downed his water in one gulp. ‘It will be great to be just a guest.’

  ‘Ages ago.’ Samantha looked at him as if he were crazy. ‘If I left it until now, we would have had to sell my ring to pay for it.’

  ‘That’s why I love you,’ he said, smiling.

  ‘We are due to fly out two days before. I thought we could take in some of the sights.’

  ‘Where are we staying?’

  ‘The Four Seasons.’

  Craig choked on his water. ‘What? What does that cost?’

  ‘It’s only three nights,’ she said hurriedly. ‘And Mum paid for half.’

  ‘Does Mark know?’ asked Craig in alarm.

  ‘I’m not sure. She used the debit card so …’

  He lay back again, shaking his head. ‘She’s dangerous, your mother. I hope you didn’t inherit that gene.’

  Lydia went back to the beach the following morning. After an exhilarating swim out, she headed back to her house.

  Cycling up the path, she hopped off her bike and rested it against the garage door. Her stomach growled so she went straight to the kitchen to make breakfast.

  Opening the larder, she saw a carton of free-range eggs. Scrambled eggs and toast would be just right to ease her hunger.

  Humming, she broke two eggs into a bowl and whisked them until they were frothy. She put a Le Creuset saucepan on the stove and melted a little butter in it. The coffee machine droned as it filled her cup. Two slices of wholemeal toast popped up and she spread them with butter. Pouring the eggs into the pan, she stirred them about until they were cooked. A trickle of Tabasco and lots of black pepper and she was ready to eat.

  Exercise had given her an appetite. She had never been sporty but, now that she was dabbling in it, she could see the attraction. It gave a person a sense of control over their life, a sense of wellbeing. She felt positive and healthy after her cycle and swim. She liked that.

  Munching on her toast, she opened an old newspaper from the week before that had been left on the table. There was a Sudoku puzzle that her dad hadn’t done, so she grabbed a pen and tackled it. Half an hour passed before she had filled in the final few squares. She sat back triumphantly, pleased as Punch. There was nothing like it – the feeling of accomplishment when the puzzle worked out. Colin, who was allergic to numbers, could never understand her penchant for the game.

  She debated whether to do a clothes wash or not – the weather was so fine, it was a crime not to. As usual, all her garments were strewn over her bedroom floor. She was so used to Colin doing her laundry that she’d almost forgotten how to switch on the machine.

  Her hair was still damp from the seawater. Perhaps a shower first then.

  She washed her plate and left the pot to soak. A long hot shower sounded great. She could get used to this pace of life. It must be what retirement is like – when one’s biggest decision is whether to hoover the sitting room or not.

  She had started to mount the stairs when the doorbell rang. She could see the silhouette of a man through the glass.

  She descended the stairs again and debated whether to open the door. Ever since the attack in Dublin, she had been nervous about being alone. All of her family had a key and all the neighbours knew that her parents were away.

  The bell rang again. With a beating heart, she reached up and pulled back the handle. The door opened slowly to reveal the postman, holding a parcel.

  ‘Hi, Lydia. Can you sign for this, please? It’s for your mum.’

  She exhaled slowly. ‘Hi, Colm,’ she said, smiling broadly. ‘Of course, no problem.’

  She scribbled her signature on the screen of his device and took the parcel from his outstretched hand. It was heavy – probably a cookery book.

  ‘Bye, so.’ He waved and walked away, his bag slung over his shoulder.

  She deposited the package on the hall table and began to climb the stairs once more. Just as she got to the top, the doorbell rang again.

  ‘Jesus, Colm,’ she muttered under her breath, ‘what did you forget?’

  She raced down the stairs and opened the door wide.

  ‘What did you –’ The words died on her lips.

  Standing in front of her was Luca Jacob.

  ‘Oh!’ she said breathlessly.

  He stared at her with such intensity that she stepped backwards.

  ‘Did you mean what you said?’ he asked.

  She inhaled sharply. He reminded her of that day in the airport when she had left him. All the defences were down; he was without barriers.

  She nodded.

  ‘No going back?’

  She nodded again.

  He stepped forward and pulled her into his arms, lifting her upwards so that her legs wrapped around his waist. He took possession of her mouth and kissed her furiously, only stopping for air for a split second before plunging his tongue into her mouth again. Lydia clutched his hair and pressed up against him, scarcely believing what was happening. Why was he here? It was the most unexpected but wonderful thing in the world.

  Still holding her, he walked into the hall, kicking the front door closed with his foot. She clung to him as he laid her back on the stairs, kissing her neck and cheeks, running his fingers through her hair.

  ‘You taste salty,’ he murmured into her hair.

  ‘I
was swimming in the sea,’ she answered breathlessly.

  He pulled her top off.

  ‘I wasn’t expecting anyone…’ she began.

  ‘Shhhh,’ he whispered.

  They kissed again and he pulled off his T-shirt. The silver chain around his neck tickled her skin as his blond head hovered over her.

  They stared at each other.

  ‘I’ve never done it on the stairs before,’ she said coyly.

  ‘There’s a first time for everything,’ he replied, pulling her close.

  Minutes later, they lay sated on the stairs. He kissed her shoulder blade and caressed her tummy.

  She didn’t dare speak; she was afraid that the spell would be broken and he would disappear. She kept pinching herself to make sure she was awake; a thousand questions raced through her brain. Why was he here? Where was Charlotte? How did he know where to find her?

  He groaned and pulled himself up into a sitting position. ‘I’m hungry, have you got something I could eat?’

  She pulled her top on. ‘I could make you eggs and toast?’

  ‘That sounds awesome,’ he said, kissing her nose.

  She pulled on her clothes and scampered into the kitchen, her brain whirring. He followed a few moments later, pulling his T-shirt over his head.