How to Be Kinky: A Beginner's Guide to BDSM

by Morpheous

9 Tighten the knot.

  10 Lay their arm out towards the bedpost that you are going to tie them to.

  11 Loop the long end around the bedpost and then feed that end through the loop that you left which should be about 8" long now that you have used it to make a double knot.

  12 Once you have the long end through the loop go back around the bedpost and come to the loop end.

  13 Perform a nice easy overhand hitch through the looped end…

  14 …and finish with a quick release knot.

  15 This is also known as the Redneck Trucker's Knot and will give you easy access to tighten or loosen it when fucking on the fly.

  Nipple clamps are a great introduction to a more extensive toy chest!

  Blindfold: A scarf, strap or some other implement designed to cover someone’s eyes to prevent them from seeing.

  Where “topping from the bottom” can go awry is if you have a play partner who is a bottom and he or she is only interested in having his own personal needs and interests met. This sort of individual is self-centered and only sees you as a way of having his desires fulfilled. Playtime needs to be a time where both of you can explore and have your own interests and needs met, rather than being a one-way dynamic.

  For a Dominant, it helps to know what the sub is into, so getting feedback from a new partner is essential. There is a lot of pressure in being the Top or Dominant, to keep the play or scene going, to be one step ahead of where the submissive is. Why should the Dominant hold all that responsibility? Some bottoms are very specific about what they want; they may have an interest that is narrowly defined, and I need to know so I can build the scene around that and still have my own interests served.

  —Electric Melissa, ass-kicking gal

  Being caged can evoke powerful emotions during playtime.

  Brat: A submissive or bottom who purposefully has a “difficult” persona for playtime. Usually the Top will need to apply a strong-armed application of an OTK spanking.

  But hang on there, cowgirl: before you start ruling with an iron fist, you have to be a well-balanced person who is capable of compassion and understanding. A Dominant or Top sometimes has the difficult job of having to keep one foot grounded in reality while the bottom or submissive gets to revel in the loss of control. So what do Dominants or Tops get out of being in charge when the submissives get to have all the yummy and not so yummy things applied to their nipples/toes/lips/balls/asses/minds/souls?

  I enjoy this generally, but I like it best when both the slave and I are into it in a way that doesn’t feel forced. Meaning we both play our roles seriously enough but with humor and genuineness. I like it when the role-play develops naturally and well or naturally well. What turns me on is when the slave suffers gradually and almost wholly for my sake. When he pushes his limit to more than he might ordinarily be able to handle, but pushes himself to go there for me. He does it, goes through with it, mostly or fully to please me. To entertain me. I have a natural tendency to be sincerely and slavishly worshiped without fail or question. As a princess I expect to be and enjoy being pleased and entertained, as far as possible and as much of the time as possible. I love being both extremely sweet and extremely sadistic and I find it enhances my role when the slave is properly worshipful, admiring and always ready and willing to suffer whatever I feel like dishing out.

  —Princess Sadako, Domme

  Power Exchange and Responsibilities: Dealing with “Drop”

  Communication is vital at every stage, including in the aftermath of a scene. When you build a scene in real time and you both get hot and sweaty and then orgasm and are so exhausted you don’t even argue over who gets the wet spot, it is easy to forget what should come afterward. Negotiations should always allow for time afterward to discuss how playtime went. Maybe some little triggers were tweaked, or maybe things went great. You need to be able to communicate with your partner about what you both just did. Sometimes people can experience Top Drop or Sub Drop and become quite emotionally fragile après scening. It’s quite common; here you are a big bad Dominant, twisting the above-mentioned nipples and making your partner squeal and writhe, watching his face contort as you apply force and your will to his engorged nipples pinched cruelly with a cheap, tawdry clothespin from the grocery store. You have that feeling of power hungrily flipping over in your belly like an electric eel, your eyes narrow as you apply a little more pressure to see just how far he can take it before backing off. You see him relax a bit and then you twist it back again and push things just a little bit further while his mouth opens in a breathless O. Looking deep into his eyes that are beginning to pool, you see his chest start rising quickly as he pants through the pain with you snuggling your lips up to his ear, the pink flick of your tongue riming the outer edge and whispering, “Just take a little more, do it for me, please….”

  It's important to care for your bottom after a heavy scene.

  Bondage: Securing someone with rope, cuffs, rubber, plastic wrap, chains or other restraints.

  I mean, what kind of person does that to another?

  Well, you.

  And you need to be emotionally aware of some of the feelings that might arise from this kind of play. I will let you in on a little secret. Want to hear about the hardest thing I have ever done in kinky play? Out of all of the experiences I have had there is one moment that stands out head and shoulders above the rest. Out of all the years and variety of play, of sharing moments with partners where we laugh, they cry, I laugh cruelly, they cry some more and they shiver with delight as we enjoy this lovely dance that we do between one another, there is one moment that I will never forget.

  Boundaries: Established limits as to what you will or will not do. Involves “soft” and “hard” limits.

  Spanking my girlfriend for the very first time.

  I had met this wonderful girl on a bright summer day years ago, just before I discovered kinky play had a label; we started dating and fell for each other. We fooled around for a month or two and had explored all kinds of fun vanilla sex together when one night she turned to me and with a wicked gleam in her eye said, “I want you to spank me, I have been a very bad girl.” I was game; I loved her, she was beautiful and we shared such passion. She climbed across my lap on her cheap Ikea couch under the decorative mosquito netting with tea lights strewn about the room creating a mellow and romantic mood. I smoothed my large hand across her ass and raised it sharply and then—

  Butt Plug: A short, flared dildo that has a wide base designed to let the sphincter securely grip it without it falling out. the wide base is important so that it doesn’t disappear into the body by accident. See chapter 8 for more on bum safety.

  Nothing.

  I couldn’t do it. I really wanted to, but being brought up in a society where it is unacceptable to hit women, I had all of these conflicting emotions running through me. I wanted to put aside my societal conditioning and I tried and tried to bring that hand down smartly across her writhing ass. I would smooth her butt with my hand and then bring it up again to strike and I would feel all the energy leave my arm like an electrical appliance that had just had the power cut. WTF? Here was a squirming, beautiful woman I loved who was good to go and what was this problem I was having? I felt a three-way tug of war between my emotions, my thoughts, and my physical being. She begged and squirmed, her little ass rising up like that of a kitty in heat and still—nothing from me.

  It was amazing that I couldn’t do it.

  It wasn’t until much later that I was able to reconcile myself to this being consensual, and was able to let go and spank her bottom till it was red and rosy—but I will never forget that mental hurdle that I had to jump over first.

  It is difficult for me to hurt someone I love. I have actively been in the scene for twenty years and I still have issues with wanting to hurt someone I love. It is far easier for me to be the big bad Dominant with someone I am just casually playing with. However the other side of the coin is that playing intensely with
someone I am more emotionally connected with is much more satisfying for me.

  —Peter, Dominant

  How to tie feet to a bed

  1 This is a great method of tying someone to the bed provided the slave is lying down. First double the rope and use the last three feet of the end with the loop (the loop end is called the bight end).

  2 Wrap the doubled rope around the ankle three times until you come back to the beginning then cross each end perpendicular to the rest of the rope.

  3 Take the bight end and tuck it under and up behind all the wraps you just made.

  4 Then come back up and start an overhand knot around the longer end.

  5 And tie off just like this! Then snug it tight.

  6 Take the long end run it around the bedpost and feed it back through the loop (the bight end).

  7 Pull the long end back towards the bedpost taking up all the slack in the rope. You want it to firmly hold your slave but not so tight the wraps around the ankle cut into it.

  8 This is the most complex part — when you get this and you will be home free! After you have the rope as snug as you want come back around the bedpost and spread the loop end.

  9 Pull a loop up through the original bight but don’t pull it all the way through just 8 inches.

  10 Take this new loop and come up the inside between the bedpost and the original bight at about 4 inches.

  11 Now you make another loop on the long part and feed part of it up through the last loop. You don’t have to pull it all the way through. Make sure all the loops are snug.

  12 It should look exactly like this! (boobs not included) When you are ready to untie it all you just pull the long end and everything around the bedpost will come apart very easily.

  Big Tent or Undercover Work?

  Cat-o’-nine-tails: Multitailed whip with weighted or knotted ends, traditionally used as a Naval punishment instrument.

  I find that there are two types of people who are involved in kinky sex. Those that want to be part of a larger collective circle, known as “the community,” and those who wish to keep their desires and experiences very private. The later may keep their kinky lives secret, but they may still play out their fantasies in public, though you would never suspect them of it if they walked past you on the street. Sometimes a butt plug can be worn under a smooth tweed skirt while the board meeting drags on and on, but who can tell, if she keeps her composure? This kind of naughty-in-public type of play is engaged in on a much more regular basis than you might imagine. Part of the thrill of it is the threat and subsequent embarrassment of being discovered. Wearing chastity devices or rope bondage body harnesses under street clothing, or merely going out without panties, are all fun kinky things that we can do on a day-to-day basis to help keep a kinky relationship interesting and dynamic.

  I absolutely love the idea of being “found out,” the knowledge that I might be discovered wearing a chastity device under my clothes in public. I know that some people may not approve of involving the public as a larger part of the scene [see nonconsensual play in chapter 8] but the difference for me is “passive audience and active audience.” Do the trees in the forest mind it if people fuck under them, if it doesn’t directly affect them? As long as the embarrassment is all mine if I should be discovered and I have taken every precaution against being discovered, then I feel that this is an acceptable and very pleasurable experience. I love humiliation play and the element of “danger” and this gives me an outlet for it.

  —Cub Dan, Top/bottom/slave/Switch/opportunistic hedonist

  The community offers you a larger resource pool to draw from. There are more and more kink-oriented events and conventions occurring across the world. Fifteen years ago, four thousand people showing up for a single evening fetish event would be unheard of, but with the growing interest in kink and with smaller events growing into larger ones, it’s not unusual nowadays at all. Northbound Leather in Toronto has had such a gathering every year for the past eleven. Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco attracts 400,000 participants and voyeurs, growing since 1984 to the point that charitable donations it generates usually top $250,000. There are full weekend conventions that have popped up all across the world that are devoted to fetishizing rope bondage or concentrating on D/s relationships; some provide a broad general overview of kinky play, others cater to vanilla people who are looking to spice things up through a mammoth sex toy show. If you have a specific interest, you are probably going to find a venue that suits your desires even if it requires a short plane ride. Human sexuality is as wide and diverse as the ocean waves.

  Matching collars and cuffs are a classy touch!

  The feeling of wearing a chastity device, such as this, under clothes is a great turn on for some people.

  Cane/Caning: A thin, flexible rod, traditionally made of rattan used for striking across the ass as an implement of Victorian era punishment.

  In Canada there has been an increase in clubs that have an even larger appeal to those of pansexual orientation. BDSM, gay, straight, lesbian, transsexual, bi, leather and femme individuals are finding homes in these pansexual clubs due to our liberal views of sex and what is legally acceptable between consenting adults.

  If you desire to keep your private life private for various reasons this is completely acceptable and when you run across others who are kinky they should respect your wishes. No one has the right to out anyone in any shape or form. If you choose to share your orientation with others, it is your right to do it in the time and place you desire. There are of course people who love drama, and if you would steer clear of them in any other situation, then it is a pretty good idea to steer clear of entrusting them with your sexual experiences. Even if you feel you can’t find the right person to engage with, and perhaps this person offers you a chance to play when there would otherwise be none, I would urge you to reconsider. We want to be involved with people who are Safe, Sane and Consensual. Dramatists thrive on upsetting the apple cart just for the attention it brings. How do you go about finding the scene or partners if you choose to keep your private life private? This is covered in more detail in chapter 5, with a discussion of online options, but to begin with, if you currently have a sexual partner, you will probably want to attempt to “convert or pervert” him or her. Role-playing can be a great way to help open up the door for dialog between you and your partner in a nonthreatening way if you introduce it correctly. The following chapter will show you how.

  Dirty girls need cleaning once in a while.

  Chastity: Preventing someone or banning him from having an orgasm or any form of genital stimulation. Some people wear a chastity belt or cock cage.

  Roles and the Community

  Take time to define yourself in a role.

  Express your desires and expectations to your partner.

  Listen closely to your partner’s desires and expectations.

  Know that there is a community, if you desire to access it.

  Remember: no one has the right to intrude on your private life.

  When someone gives you permission to be in control, be dominant!

  Chapter Three

  * * *

  Scenarios: Role Playing, Singles, Couples and Fetish Groups

  So you have this great idea about making things fun in the bedroom. You have a fantasy about taking your partner and doing all sorts of dirty, nasty and wonderfully devious things to him or her that will make her beg for more. You want to make her squirm against bonds, writhe across the bed; watch her mouth open in a breathless moan as an orgasm shudders across her skin. Perhaps you have been watching a movie where the comedic punch line is a couple all “leathered up” and you are the only one that doesn’t laugh but thinks it is really hot. Where do you start? What is this whole role-playing thing about anyway? Why bother with roles?

  Getting into Role-Play

  Chances are you have already done some role-playing whether you know it or not. In our Western society there are gender specific role
s that we adopt either wholly or in bits and pieces when the mood or situation suits us, usually in everyday life. Have you ever taken your car to the garage and noticed that when the mechanic explains what is wrong and points at various parts (even if you don’t know what the hell they are) you feel yourself adopting a more primitive swagger or possibly grunting in agreement with him?

  Taking on a new role in the bedroom can help you explore your own fantasies as well as your partner's.

  Chastity Piercing: A body piercing used to prevent sexual intercourse, i.e., double labia rings locked together or a piercing allowing the foreskin to be pulled over the head of the penis and kept firmly in place.

  Or, have you ever been to a club night wearing the hottest little dress you could find, with newly done highlights in your hair, and let others buy you drinks all night in exchange for your being the gorgeous and desired one?

  We all play roles—that’s part of who we are as humans. Some-times it is really hot to play with them in the bedroom as well.

  Role-playing can be about adopting a persona that is different from the one we use in our everyday or vanilla life. In the dungeon or just when you’re being sexual with a partner, it can be a lot of fun! It’s a chance to escape from your normal everyday life and explore ideas and motivations. It can be cathartic and sometimes therapeutic, but we caution you not to use it as therapy without guidance from a professional. Role-playing isn’t meant to be a therapeutic intervention in the bedroom or dungeon. If you want to work through a certain issue that you might have from past trauma, you need to do that with a counselor or therapist long before you bring it into the bedroom. What we are talking about here is all about consensual role-play. If you suspect that you might not be mentally stable or that you have fixations that are unhealthy, you should definitely find a professional therapist or counselor to help you.