by Morpheous
Face sitting
1 Face sitting is a really fun and sexy adventure for both of you! Sexy torment works best while you are wearing panties, as it makes the woman less accessible and therefore more desired.
2 Have your bottom lay face up on the floor, bed or couch. Lift your sexy legs over him to straddle his face, either facing away from or towards his head. This puts you in a superior position above him and gives you control over what happens and when.
3 Make him beg for the chance to have you sit on his face. Taunt him with restrictions such as “No licking, but you may kiss through my panties.”
4 Slide around on top of him, teasting him, and make him say all the nice things you want to hear.
5 Push your gorgeous tush down and cover his entire face. One he gets into it his breathing will increase.
6 Get right down there, and ride him to tease him more!
7 Vary the sensations — there is the Bucking Cowgirl, where you repeatedly lift up and smoosh your crotch back down on to his face…
8 …the Grinding Girl where you dry hump his face…
9 …and the Long Crush, which makes them fight for air! Play with all three for the best session possible.
Newbie (or Noob): Slang term for someone new to BDSM. Can be an endearing term.
Throughout this book I have stressed communication, the ability to really listen and process what it is your partner desires and how you can best tie your own desires to those. It is one thing to be a “service Top” but it is another to be able to marry your own needs and desires with your bottom’s. A Top has to be able to communicate his or her needs as well; this isn’t a one-way street—any dance of sexuality requires both partners playing their roles and relishing them. One person can lead and the other follow but they both are twirling on the same dance floor.
As an adolescent I suffered from a not unpleasant affliction of vivid fantasies. I would spend hours lost in a dreamworld that consisted of dark reveries where I could withstand and apply great violence, garnished by exhilarating sexual stimulation. It did not take long to realize that this was a characteristic that the majority of my peers could not identify with, and so I learned at an early age to keep my lurid daydreams to myself. As I moved into young adulthood I began to be aware of a subculture that caters to taboo affinities, where dark fantasies are realized into a reality, accompanied with strict borders of consent between all participants, with a firm grasp on margins of safety. At first my awareness came in the form of books, Internet sites and workshops. Through these mediums I came into contact with a Dominant who readily spotted my eagerness and offered to gratify longings of mine that had remained buried for many years.
I accepted his offer to create a scene with him, based entirely upon my own desires. He encouraged me to speak of things that until then had largely remained unspoken. I admitted to my cravings for receiving a whipping; to be restrained and given lashes in a manner reminiscent of punishment among seafaring men who had lived centuries ago. To my delight I was finally put within the constraints of an old and deep desire! Tied and pressed against a one-hundred-year-old wooden post in his loft, I placed myself at his mercy, with my tender nipples rubbing against the raw wood while he whipped my naked ass and thighs. To be in a position I had only dreamed of was a pleasure for which words cannot do justice. The raw pain was exhilarating, refreshing, new and terribly welcome. The responses of my body under such inflicted pain were a marvel; to experience it is to experience yourself, to understand your boundaries in a way that is unique and intimate between the sufferer and the inflictor.
Set some time aside after a scene for cuddling to ensure you both get back to a good mental space.
This experience was my rebirth in a sense, giving me a new perception of my body and its wide range of sensation. I feel privileged to have the ability to undergo intense pain and come out of it feeling refreshed, rejoicing in the awareness of my body’s personal responses. I have finally gained the understanding that all parts of me are valid, that every dark urge can be realized, that enjoyment of pain can be accepted; and I have reached a new heightened sense of reality.
—Sabrina, submissive
Objectification: Play in which one person is put on display or dehumanized as part of sexual play.
Sub and Top Drop
Equally as important as subspace are sub drop and top drop. Either of these can occur anywhere from immediately after play, to hours or days after an intense play session. It can manifest itself in a variety of ways, mostly as feelings of depression, withdrawal, anger or a violent reaction against what it is the kinky player has either let herself do or have done to her. In an intense scene, a Dominant is opening up the bottom or submissive emotionally as well as physically and mentally. Again, trust is the most precious trait we have when we play with kinky sex. There can be emotional valleys and peaks and these can tend to sweep over the person within forty-eight hours of a scene. He or she may feel devalued or worthless and oftentimes may have a hard time reconciling what they have been involved with. This is one of the reasons you should only play with people that have established boundaries and are effective at communicating them.
Sub drop can most certainly manifest as crying, and the sub may even unilaterally decide that he or she should leave the situation. The Top or Dominant needs to BE THERE for the sub. If you are going to take someone on a journey into subspace, where he or she is going to experience a wide variety of sensations, then you have the responsibility to make sure that individual “returns to earth” after his or her trip is done. Failure to do so demonstrates a lack of character. It isn’t easy being the Dominant, we have to have one foot grounded in reality, and we set up the scene and take the other person through it inch by delicious inch. Submissives endure all the creative and devilish things we have concocted for them and they absolutely need someone to be there for them when they are done with their trip. This person is most likely you; however, more experienced players may go back to their primary partners for succor, or may simply understand better how to cope with what they might be going through mentally or physically. I ALWAYS have a new partner call me the next day to check in and see if there is anything that is required of me.
How do you address the situation if your play partner is having a nasty sub drop? You treat her like the special person she is. She has just allowed you to play a symphony with her body and mind and now you are going to hold her and reassure her during the cooldown period. I highly recommend a cooldown period, during which you go off somewhere else (if at a play party) out of the center of attention, and snuggle and hold your partner. If he or she doesn’t want to have physical contact then bring him some water, and be the compassionate person you are. He might be confused and anxious and need reassurance that he is okay and you will be there for him. Talking helps a lot; sharing past experiences and how you both dealt with them can help a bottom or submissive reground herself.
Both subs and tops can experience “drop” after a particularly intense session.
Odalisque: Old Skool term for a female sex slave.
What isn’t discussed much is the subject of top drop, which doesn’t usually manifest itself as visually as crying, but commonly involves feelings of emptiness and being alone. Tops and Dominants don’t usually discuss it because, hey, we’re always in control—right?—but just as submissives need us, we need others for support as well. Humans are social creatures and Tops need a social framework that will support them. I had one such personal experience a number of years ago at a weekend-long retreat with a lot of my kinky friends. It was in the woods at a campground, and I spent all weekend long tying up pretty girls for their Tops and Dominants, and having a lot of fun doing it. I was single and still new to the community and I felt flattered that so many people wanted me to tie up their partners, as I was emerging as a new rope bondage artist. Top drop didn’t hit me until the last night of the event. I had played pretty hard and was winding up with some quiet time in the pool aro
und midnight. There were storm clouds rolling in the distance, some stars blanketing the sky above me and I was floating in the pool at the campground all alone with the sounds of play and laughter and music in the distance. All of a sudden I felt incredibly alone. I felt like the water I was floating in was washing over me and draining me of my energy. I started thinking of all of the other times I had found myself alone and this was a shocking revelation to me as I had never had a wave of loneliness hit me this strongly before. I am a very independent person; I enjoy world travel and have spent long times in solitude when traveling, but I had never felt this lonely in my entire life.
Oreo Model: Sandwiching a challenging aspect of a given situation between two positive points during a discussion.
Recognizing that there must be some correlation with the activities I had been involved in all weekend long, I explored the threads of what I was feeling and why. After reflection for a little while I did the best thing I could do at a time like this—I got out of the pool and went and found my friends. I knew that the best remedy for my feelings would be to seek out my support structure—my friends—and be with them. I wasn’t in a place where I couldn’t think logically by any means, I just needed to be around people, and I had never heard of top drop. Still I realized what was happening had to be related to what happens to submissives and bottoms when they drop. You don’t have to be an island—if you need help, ask for it. If you need to be around people, ask them or just go to where they are. You don’t always have to verbalize what it is you are going through, your friends will understand. You aren’t alone and there is no reason you should be—Tops and bottoms alike.
Abuse
How do you determine what is play and what is abuse? People who play with BDSM can easily be misinterpreted by those not understanding of the dynamic. If you were at the gym and you saw someone in the changing room with bruises and welts all over his or her backside you might be horrified to think that their partner or spouse was responsible. But if you were at the Friday night party where he or she received those welts you might have fond memories of a really great time of consensual activities between that individual and her Dominant. I keep mentioning consent as it is key to all kinky play. But what if you feel someone, or yourself, is in an abusive situation—how can you tell? Granted the lines can be blurred at times, but here are a few signs of actual abuse and they can be found in much more detail on the Internet and other publications listed in the back of this book. But for now ask yourself the following questions.
Abuse is when the dynamic is not consensual. Does the person’s partner constantly put him or her down or exhibit extremely controlling behavior in front of others without the person’s consent? Is the partner extremely jealous and jumps to conclusions or makes accusations? Does the person become very shy or timid around his or her partner? Has she withdrawn from family and friends? Does he suddenly cancel plans at the last minute? Are her finances controlled by the dominanting partner? Does she have unexplained marks or bruises?
Orgasm Denial: When the Dom/me does not permit the submissive to reach orgasm without permission. Can be coupled with making them have sex or perform sex acts while simultaneously denying them an orgasm.
Some of this walks a very gray line between BDSM and the vanilla world. What happens at a play party on a Saturday night could easily be misinterpreted as abuse to outsiders who are peering in and don’t understand what kinky play can encompass. One clear key sign that abuse is abuse is when the power dynamic is nonconsensual.
What can you do if you think someone is being taken advantage of and suffering from abuse? You can be supportive and offer shelter. But the individual has to want help. You cannot make someone leave a situation no matter how hard you try and cajole or convince them. I know it is difficult to see someone you care about suffer, but he or she has to ask for help. It is not your role to make life decisions for others; they may be involved in a complex dynamic by their own consent—but if they aren’t and if they DO ask for help then you can give them shelter and assistance, and put them in touch with a therapist immediately. In the scene we have seen the rise of kink-friendly therapists and doctors over the past few years, people that are educated about the distinction between kinky dynamics and what constitutes abuse. They are professionals that can help your friend or loved one much more than you can and they should be sought out. What you shouldn’t do is stage an intervention, especially if you are untrained in such situations. People have to ASK for help. Do not make decisions for them. Be supportive and be their friend and let them know your door is open 24/7 if they need you. Oftentimes the knowledge that there is a support system can be key to such individuals seeking assistance.
Five Things About “Pain”
Take time to warm up their body before going hard.
Good “pain” is delicious and achy.
Bad Pain is a stabbing or numbness.
You don’t have to get to subspace every time.
Abuse is when the power dynamic is nonconsensual.
Steam punk dildos put at lot of style into your playtime.
Chapter Seven
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Kink in Toyland
A big part of kinky sex is fetishizing your toy collection. Sometimes you will buy a toy and it will be as great as you thought, and other times it won’t quite live up to your expectations. You might buy a dildo with a little rabbit on the end of the thingy that is supposed to stimulate your—or her—clit and find it doesn’t provide quite as much intensity as you might like, and then try the dildo with the beads in it and love it! Personal preference is everything, so get to know your body and what it likes. It doesn’t matter if the toy is store bought or improvised at home, all that matters is that it works for you.
Part of the fun with toys is exploring with them in unconventional ways—for instance, what if you put the dildo in the freezer for a while before playing with it? Likewise, dropping it in a bowl of hot water can make for new sensations. Don’t microwave it, though, or you’ll find a big misshapen dildo when you are done and be left with a weird smell in the microwave that you will have a hard time getting rid of. I eventually had to throw my microwave out after making this mistake! Saran Wrap isn’t just for leftovers anymore. Plastic wrap is a very quick way to immobilize someone without the nasty side effect of duct tape, which, when it comes off, will peel your body hair like skin from a banana.
Make Your Own
You don’t have to have a lot of money to get off—humans have been getting off for longer than corporate sex toy manufactures have been around. If you have a chance to take in the sex museums in New York City and Amsterdam you can see some of the displays that trace the evolution of sex toys. I have a certain fondness for early-nineteenth-century erotic objects created around the beginning of the industrial revolution; the kinkiness of the toys being used in such a rigidly moral society makes me smile, especially when so much time and care must have been put into their creation in private. I also love the quack medical tools for which we have found pleasurable new uses, such as the Violet Wand. One hundred years ago it was used to assist with electrotherapy and now it is a toy that you might see at a fetish event or private dungeon making pretty girls and boys jump!
A vac bed is an easy way to make new friends.
Humans are so adaptable as toolmaking creatures that we can and will improvise toys out of seemingly innocuous things. Ask yourself this: what is it I want to do? Then look around for objects to create that sensation. Do you want something percussive? How about something snappy or prickly? Perhaps something soft and sensual? It’s all about the sensations you want to give or receive; let your mind get creative!
Lots of things get me hot. If I am alone and I am turned on I usually take out my trusty pink dildo. I’ve experimented with pretty much anything I could find around the house: hairbrush handles, cucumbers, carrots. I haven’t found anything I like more than my dildo or a real cock inside of me but the experimentation is a lot of fun, i
ncluding improvising with things found at dollar stores. It’s amazing what you can improvise with for insertive play. I make sure it is smooth and comfortable with no sharp edges and if I am concerned with how clean it is I will even put a condom on it just for an extra layer of protection.
—Stephie, bottom
Everyone loves a Sybian. Seriously.
Orientation Play: When a partner is instructed to participate in sexual activity or touching with another person that contradicts their natural sexual orientation. Can be part of Humiliation play.
Why spend five hundred dollars on a buttery leather flogger with a jeweled handle that is personally weighted to your own specifications if you don’t have to? Obviously that expensive flogger is a pretty yummy experience in terms of fetishizing toys purely for selfish reasons. Lots of kinky people fetishize equipment because it is fun and selfish. Deliciously selfish. But when you are first starting out, you need to try a number of toys—floggers, whips, canes, crops, gags, et cetera, to find out what YOU like. Price can make a difference, but not in every case, especially if a craftsperson or artisan is just starting out and becoming established. Imagine if you had been able to meet some of the world-famous whip-makers of today fifteen or twenty years ago when they were still becoming established craftspeople. Wouldn’t you love to own a Michael Murphy whip from back in the day? He is an exceptional Australian whip-maker of world renown (check out Murphywhips.com). Today there are lots of craftspeople that are still becoming established and I highly encourage you to support them so they can go on to become the Michael Murphys of the next generation. There have been more and more “kinky craft shows” popping up over the years that have become bigger and bigger. This gives both new and established artisans who are dedicated to the art and skill of their particular craft the chance to show off their wares and meet people face-to-face and show them how much time and effort go into each piece. If you go to larger leather conventions you will find just as many things for sale from individual artisans and if you buy something you can get that warm feeling in your tummy knowing you helped support someone who needs it. Not quite as warm as your partner’s ass is going to be when you use that new paddle tonight, but you get the idea.