"Is this just a pissin' contest between you and Tuck, or is somethin' else goin' on here? You can't just go around punchin' people in the face. He could sue you. You could lose everything. I could lose everything," he stresses.
"He keeps pushin' my buttons!" I yell in defense.
"Yeah. Well, that seems to be happenin' a lot lately." He throws his hands up in the air in disgust. "I can't keep doin' this with you, Colt. You need to let her go."
I am momentarily stunned. My mouth opens to speak, but then I close it.
"Let Penny go," he clarifies. "Just let her go, man."
I growl in frustration and rake my fingers through my hair. "I just love how everyone suddenly knows what's best for me or best for Penny. You aren't the first one who told me to let her go."
"Well, that should tell you somethin'," he responds. "She deserves better than this," he says, pointin' to the building. And then he gestures towards me and says, "And she sure as hell deserves better than you."
I curl my hands into fists at my sides. Even my best friend is against me now. "Fuck!" I scream up at the night sky.
Buddy is quiet for a long while before he finally speaks. "Do you feel better now? Does it feel good to scream?"
"Yes!" I yell.
"Good. Now get the fuck over it, Colt, and move on. And let Penny move on with her life too."
"I don't want her to move on," I say gruffly with no hesitation.
He glances up at me sharply. "Then you should have thought about that before you fucked everything up."
I watch him walk away after that. The sound of crickets pierces the dark hush around me as I slowly walk over to my truck and climb in. I slam the door shut and start the engine. It only takes me a few minutes to make it home. As I lay awake in bed, the events of the night run over and over in my head. Everyone wants me to let Penny go, but what do I want?
The only answer I can come up with is…I want Penny to be happy. And it kills me that she might be happier without me.
CHAPTER 23
PENNY
I HAVEN'T TALKED or seen Colton in three days. I know he's keeping his distance for some reason or another. I just wish I knew what the reason was. I don't know if it's more for my benefit or his. Maybe he's finally done with me. Maybe I'm finally done with him. Who knows. I feel like a rag doll being torn between two people. Half of me wants to stay and try to save my relationship with Colton, and the other half wants to leave this town and never look back. Only time will tell the decision I finally make. All I know is that right now I'm beyond miserable.
Tucker walks into the bar a few minutes before my shift is over. I drop the dishcloth on the table I'm currently cleaning and turn to him.
"Hey, Penny." When his eyes meet mine, he smiles but immediately winces from the movement. Colton didn't break his jaw, but he gave him one hell of a bruise.
His watchful eyes study my face for a while before he says, "You look tired."
I give him a small grin. "I haven't been sleeping much." That's the understatement of the year. I feel like I haven't slept in forty years. This whole thing with Colton has my stomach in knots and my brain running constantly. I can't stop thinking about what happened or what might happen. I'm so confused about everything, and I just can't seem to find the light at the end of this very dark tunnel that is currently my life.
"Oh." His eyes drop before returning to mine. "Penny, I'm moving to New York in four days." That's news to me. "Permanently," he adds. My eyebrows rise, but I can't stay that I'm really all that surprised. Tucker has a career in New York. It was only a matter of time before he returned to it. "I want you to come with me, Penny."
I bite my lower lip, stalling for time. Four days. I was supposed to wait until the end of summer; but with everything going on, how could I possibly stay? Every day feels like a week, and I don't think I could mentally last the rest of my time here. I literally feel as if my heart is being slowly shredded by every passing second. I want to leave while I can still salvage a part of it. Colton will always own most of my heart, but maybe, just maybe someday I will be able to move on and begin to heal. It was a mistake coming here. I know that now. I should have never come back.
Tucker takes my hands in his and gazes into my eyes with an eager grin. "Say yes, Penny. Say yes."
Before I can second-guess myself, before I can even think about the consequences of my actions, I blurt out, "Yes."
Tucker scoops me into his arms and swings me around a time or two, making me dizzy, but also making me laugh. He can always make me smile and laugh, and that's important. Tucker and I don't fight. We don't argue. It's almost…perfect.
A nagging voice in the back of my mind asks, but do you really want perfect? All I know is that I can't stay here and have this guilt and sadness eating me up day in and day out. New York will be a change of pace, if nothing else. It will give me a place to clear my head and think about what I want out of my life. I guess I can only take a leap of faith to find out if New York is really where I need to be.
"I'll make all of the flight arrangements tomorrow. Oh, Penny, you've made me the happiest man on the planet." He leans down and kisses me, but I still don't feel that heat and spark like I feel with Colton.
I'm worried I'm not making the right decision, but I can always come back if things don't work out with Tucker and me. But would I ever want to come back? Once I cut ties with Willowbrook, I don't know if I would plan on returning for a long time…if ever. Maybe I can make a life for myself in New York with or without Tucker by my side.
With my head held high, I say goodnight to Tucker and return to my apartment. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. No more planning on how to win Colton back. No more fighting every day. No more arguing over stupid things. It will be…perfect.
For the first time in my life, I'm picturing and planning a future without Colton in it. But as I sink down on my couch, why do I suddenly feel like I might be making the biggest mistake of my life?
* * * * *
I'VE BEEN KEEPING my distance from Colton, which has been pretty easy considering he won't even look in my direction. The only solace I get from him pushing me away is that maybe I won't miss him so much when I leave. But the truth of the matter is I miss him even when we're in the same room together. I miss him every second and every hour of every day. And I haven't even left yet. I'm so screwed. It's going to be a thousand times worse when I live over a thousand miles away from him.
When I think of moving to New York, I see hope of a new start, but I also see a lot of uncertainty. I'm going to miss home. I'm going to miss my friends. I'm going to miss the bar. But most of all, I'll miss Colton.
How did things get so screwed up? We were on a path to finding each other once again, and somehow my train derailed…yet again. Why can't my life just be simple? Why can't I just be happy?
Watching Shelby Rae and Buddy flirt with each other almost every night in the bar doesn't exactly help my mood. Don't get me wrong --- I'm happy for them. But I'm also extremely jealous. I want what they have. An easy, fun relationship not built on deceit and anger.
They've been going on dates, and I'm glad that Shelby Rae can start a new relationship with someone who cares so much about her. She lucked out when she found two great guys to love in her lifetime. It's a shame that Matthew passed, but I know Buddy will love her just the same and will take care of her and her daughter. She hit the lottery with that one. Buddy is one of the best guys I know.
When I get Shelby Rae alone that night, I pull her aside. "I need a ride to the airport tomorrow," I tell her in a hushed whisper.
"You're leavin' tomorrow?" she exclaims.
I clap my hand over her big mouth. "Shh! I don't want anyone to know!" I'm so afraid somebody will stop me…and I have a feeling it wouldn't be that hard to do at this point. There's a lot here in this small town that I don't want to leave behind. And the closer I get to leaving for New York, the more miserable I become.
"I'm
sorry," she says, but it's muffled under my hand. I reluctantly let go of her mouth, and she blurts out, "I can't believe you're leaving so soon!"
"Who's leavin'?" Buddy asks as he walks around the corner.
Sighing, I put my face in my hands. It's impossible to keep Shelby quiet. This is why we always got into trouble in high school. She always confessed before the teacher even asked if we did anything wrong.
"Penny's leavin'. Tomorrow!" Shelby says with tears in her eyes.
Okay. Now I feel bad. I gather her up in my arms, and she hangs onto me for dear life. "Shelby, don't you start crying. Because if you start, then I'm going to start."
"And then I will most definitely start if you two start," Buddy chimes in.
Rolling my eyes at him, I pull away from Shelby. I use my thumbs to wipe away the mascara making a run for it down her tear-stained face. "No crying until I'm gone. I don't want to see one more tear," I pause and point to Buddy, "from either of you."
Buddy leans against the bar and crosses his left foot in front of his right. "Why tomorrow? I thought you were stayin' until the end of summer."
"I can't stay here any longer," I confess. "I feel like my heart is breaking in half every time I see him."
Buddy swipes a hand down his face and sighs. "Colt's not gonna be happy that you're leavin'."
I pinch my eyes closed. "Buddy, I honestly don't think he'll care. He told me once before that his life would be easier without me here. I believe it." And it's not like he has been trying to win me back this past week. If anything, he's been pushing me even farther away and letting me know that he doesn't need me in his life anymore.
He shakes his head. "You both are the most bullheaded people I've ever met." He joins in our hug and squeezes me tight. "I'm gonna miss you, Penny. You always have a home here if you decide to come back."
Tears well up in my eyes again. "Thanks, Buddy. That means a lot." I place my head on his shoulder. "Please don't tell Colt."
He cringes. "Okay. I won't if you don't want me to."
I thank him again and hug them both. And then we get started with our shift.
I have a feeling it's going to be a long night.
CHAPTER 24
PENNY
I PACK MY bags and cry enough tears to flood New York City. Angrily, I dash them away. I'm sick of crying.
The life I want is in New York. The life I want is with Tucker.
I repeat those two sentences over and over in my mind. I just hope that I'll start believing them soon. A pesky voice in the back of my mind keeps asking me, if this is the right choice, then why is it so damn hard?
Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I pack the last of my things. A picture of Colton and me remains on the bed, and I hesitate before picking it up. I stare at us when we were teenagers. We were so in love. And happy. God, we were happy.
My fingertips glide over the glass over his handsome face, and new tears well in my eyes.
"Penny?" Buddy calls from the kitchen.
"In here," I call back.
He stands in the doorway and looks longingly at my luggage. "All set?" he asks, solemnly.
I look at him and give him a small smile. "Now, Buddy Lawson, if I didn't know any better, I would say you were gonna miss me."
He raises his hands above his head and grips the wood frame, sighing loudly. "Penny…" His voice trails off. "Penny, this just ain't right. You and Colt ---."
"Don't," I say, stopping him before he can say anymore. "It's not going to work out with Colt and me. Not anymore." I stare down at the picture in my hands and hold my tears at bay. "What happened in the past is staying in the past now, Buddy. Nothing's going to change that."
He hangs his head and nods a few times. "Are you gonna say goodbye to him at least?"
I hesitate. I debated a million times over in my head whether I could have the courage to tell Colton goodbye. I had decided not to, but I don't know if I could live with myself without some sense of closure.
Buddy looks up and stares at me hard. "Penny, you have to say goodbye. You can't just leave him without…" He sighs again and scrubs a hand over his face. "This ain't how it's supposed to be. It's not the way your story's supposed to end."
I nod once. "Some of us just don't get our happy ending, Buddy. That's just the way life works sometimes." I set the picture down on the bed and zip up my suitcase. "I'm ready," I say with a deep breath.
He eyes the picture that I'm leaving behind, but doesn't say a word about it. "I'll put your luggage in the car while you go say goodbye to Colt."
* * * * *
THERE'S ONE LAST thing I have to do before I say goodbye to Colton. A few days ago, I special ordered a small memorial stone for Mack's grave. Mack was always like my dog growing up, and I just wanted to do something nice for him and Colton before I leave.
My legs feel like lead as I walk up to the garden. The patchy, muddy area under the shade tree sticks out like a sore thumb amongst the lush, green grass surrounding it. Gently, I place the stone on top of the dirt. My fingers gently trace over the words etched into the gray rock.
MACK
You will forever be in our hearts, and we will remember you there always.
"Goodbye, Mack," I say, rising and wiping the stray tears from my cheeks. I've cried so much during the past few months, but Mack is so worth my tears. He was the best dog. Ever. And I will miss him for the rest of my life.
Standing, I brush the dirt off my fingers. Now it's time to tell Colton goodbye. I steel my nerves, knowing this will be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do in my entire life. I have to let him go even if I don't know how I'll survive without him. Taking a deep breath, I leave Mack's grave and make my way to the shed.
I can hear him before I see him. He's inside the small building, pounding on a punching bag and taking out his frustration and an anger that I will never understand.
As I round the corner, I finally lay eyes on him. He's shirtless with sweatpants hanging dangerously low on his hips. He looks angry and beautiful, and it almost makes me cry to think that this is the last time I'll ever see him. Maybe years from now when I'm older I'll come back to town. I wonder if he'll have gotten married by then, maybe have a smidge of gray hair at his temples with a couple of Colton replicas running around. The thought makes me close my eyes and shudder. I want to be there for every single gray hair. I want to be there for every milestone of his life. I want to marry him and have his children. But I know now that I can't. This will never work between us because…he simply does not love me. And he never will. He refuses to face his past, and I am his past. How could we ever make that work? How could I ever make him happy if he doesn't remember all the times we shared before his accident?
Squaring my shoulders, I look up at him. "Colt," I say from the doorway.
He immediately stops punching and stands still, chest heaving, body dripping with sweat. He doesn't even turn to look at me as he asks, "Yeah?"
I close my eyes for a moment. "I…I just…I wanted to say goodbye."
As the words come out of my mouth, Colton turns and looks at me. "Goodbye?" he asks as if he doesn't know the meaning of the word. "You're leaving? Today?"
I nod. "Right now actually."
His entire body tenses, and his muscles ripple in response. "But you said a few more weeks."
"Would it have made a difference?" I blurt out. Shaking my head, I say, "Let's face it, Colt. Me being here is not a good thing for either one of us. I drive you crazy."
"You always drove me crazy," he whispers.
I stare at him with narrowed eyes. A bloom of hope bursts in my chest. "You…you remember…?"
"No." He sighs heavily. "You told me that before."
Instantly, I feel deflated. And that's exactly how it's always going to feel. Just when I get a glimmer of hope, everything will be dashed away in an instant when I realize that Colton is never going to remember me. "Yeah. Well, I just wanted to say goodbye." I can barely make myself meet his stare,
but I eventually do. His expression is unreadable, but I can see a hint of sadness in his dark gaze. "I hope you have the best life you could ever possibly dream of, Colt. I want the best for you. I hope you know that." Tears start blurring my vision, and I quickly turn away. I'm a few steps away from the shed when Colton calls out my name. I slowly turn to look back at him.
"I just want you to know somethin'." He takes a step towards me, and I stay rooted in my spot. "The truth," he clarifies. "Ruby Sue came over that night and threw herself at me. You saw her kissin' me, but you didn't see me pushin' her away. I let her spend the night 'cuz she'd been drinkin', and in the mornin' she made me believe that we had slept together. That's why I couldn't answer you for sure when you asked. I didn't remember, but she was so adamant that we did." He takes a long breath before he continues. "Anyway, the other night at the dance she finally confessed the truth. We didn't sleep together. She lied to me. And now it's truly over between Ruby Sue and me…just like it should have been months ago." He hangs his head in defeat. "I just wanted you to know that."
They never slept together. My heart is threatening to jump out of my chest, and my knees are close to buckling. They kissed, which is still kind of cheating…but if Ruby Sue threw herself at Colton, was it really his fault? He stayed true to me even though Ruby Sue was technically his girlfriend. He stayed true to me.
I stand there in shock. If only I could go back in time, it would change things. I thought Colton had cheated on me. I thought he was breaking my heart, but it never happened. This changes everything…but it's too late. I'm leaving. I already made the plans. The ticket is purchased. The apartment is ready. Tucker is expecting me.
I put my face in my hands and breathe in and out slowly. Why didn't Colton tell me sooner? It would have changed everything. "Tell me what you're thinking, Colt," I say, finally meeting my gaze with his. "I just never know."
Remember Me Always: A Contemporary Romance Page 25