Drop Dead Dirty

by West, Jade

  “Nothing’s concrete,” I repeated, but my own voice sounded thick. So stupidly thick.

  Because how could I know what the hell to do with this? How could I take our boy off on some mission, jetting around the world with Ollie?

  Then again, how could I believe for a heartbeat we’d cope with a whole world of distance between us if we kept it on the slow burn? We were barely making it through the tension of weeknights on video calls as it stood, let alone weeks or even months of being apart down the line.

  “I’ll fight you every step of the way,” Rob told me. “Freddie’s never gonna want it, not this London life out of nowhere. You’ll break his fucking heart along with mine, I fucking swear it. You’ll kill our fucking home for fucking both of us.”

  “Not here,” I said again, and struggled against the well in my chest. “This is his try-out, we need to be cheering.”

  And cheer I did.

  No matter what I was feeling inside I was cheering as he landed a goal in the bottom corner and threw his arms in the air like a superstar.

  Just like his dad did at my side.

  Rob’s pride was as consuming as mine was. His face was filled with the same love for that little boy as mine. We clapped together, we cheered together, and pulled our lad into a hug at the same time as he charged on over for congratulations.

  I knew then, in that moment, that no matter how much in this world I’d give my soul to be next to Oliver Kent and have his love easily available as mine every day, I could never pull my little boy along with me.

  I could never pull him away from his dad, and the solidity of his life here, and the way he was so integrated into this world.

  Not for anything in this world I wanted. Not for the whole damn world itself.

  “He’s gonna make the league,” Rob said when Freddie was back on the pitch. “He’s gonna be fucking top of it soon enough if I keep up with helping him train.”

  “Looks like it,” I said. “It really does look like it. He’s amazing.”

  “Keep up your loved up bullshit with that fucking prick Kent if you really have to, but don’t bring our boy into it. Please, to holy shit, don’t bring our boy into it. I’ll have him every weekend and you can head down to London if you want to, it doesn’t matter. Just don’t move down there, not with Freddie.”

  “I love Oliver,” I said to Rob, and met him in an honest stare. “I know it’s hard for you to accept it, Robbie, but I really do.”

  His shrug this time was more of his trademark swagger. “Yeah, well, you said you did back then too. Before he fucked off down to London and left you behind.”

  My eyes were back on the pitch, not wanting to look at him. “There was plenty at play back then,” I argued. “You know full well that I didn’t feel quite like I was up to it, and he was determined. Really determined. It worked out well for him.”

  “Yeah, and you said I worked out well for you. Not trying to drag you down to the business ambitions of a fucking lifetime. Just you and me, laughing and joking and enjoying life the way it fucking was. Bringing our perfect little boy into it and keeping him steady.”

  “I love Ollie,” I repeated. “Honestly, Rob, I really love him. This second chance is everything I dreamed of. I don’t want to lose him again.”

  “Prize fucking prick,” he hissed, but I shrugged.

  “We didn’t work, you and me,” I said. “That’s got nothing to do with Oliver Kent and everything to do with us. With our compatibility. Seriously, Rob, I’m just daring to hope for a real shot at love again. I’ve been so happy with him back in my life.”

  “That doesn’t mean you have to chase him down to fucking London,” he argued. “If you’re so fucking loved up the two of you, maybe he should quit his big brain bullshit and head back here.”

  I couldn’t hold back the laugh. It was a flat laugh. A disbelieving laugh.

  “Yeah, well, you haven’t exactly been out to make that prospect appealing so far, have you?”

  “Fuck off,” he snapped. “Like anything’s fucking appealing where that prick Kent’s concerned.”

  We waved to Freddie as he shot us a look across the pitch.

  “He’s a major businessman,” I said. “His company is crazy intense, doing crazy technical stuff for millions of pounds. I can’t expect him to give it up and head back over to sleepy Much Arlock to cosy down with me.”

  “Well it’s fucked up on the love front,” Rob said, “if you’re expected to take our boy down to Kent’s snooty life, in his snooty place, but he isn’t gonna be giving up his perfect fucking work life anytime soon.”

  I let out a sigh. “Like I said, I haven’t even begun to work through any decisions on anything. I’m just getting started and trying my best. Please, give me a break.”

  “Don’t think I’ve got it in me to give you a break,” he grunted. “I’m too fucking invested. Just like he should be if he gave a shit enough.”

  I was relieved when the action shifted up a bit and Freddie came to join us. I was even more relieved when a couple of other parents joined us in a sports discussion before the try out was through, just for a break in the tension until the end whistle sounded.

  I watched Freddie run along with his dad and chat about the game across the recreation ground, hanging back enough to appreciate just how magical their similarity was, and how happily they looked at each other.

  We were ready to chow down a decent supper when we got back to mine, but for once Robbie didn’t opt to barge on in and keep the aggravation flowing.

  “I’ll see you on Saturday, champ,” he said to Fred, and gave his hair a ruffle.

  “More football practice?” Freddie asked, and got a too right, you’d better believe it.

  I watched Rob away down the path, wishing for the thousandth time in this life that on some crazy level we’d have actually managed made it work together. But we didn’t. We didn’t make it work together, and never would.

  Still, that didn’t mean he wasn’t making it work together with Freddie.

  “Dad got me into the league,” Fred announced with a grin as I got back in the kitchen. “His practice was brill. He’ll teach me to score even better next time, he said so.”

  I got on with serving up dinner, making all the right conversation noises even though my heart smashed itself into pieces at the complexity of what lay ahead.

  Somehow I just knew the smash up had only just begun.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Ollie

  I got so much insight from Devon Hadley before the week was out. Forwarded emails and sly little comments, plenty of indication as to what was brewing on the horizon.

  Under normal circumstances in an alternate reality, I’d have been beside myself with the buzz, toasting all night long with Naomi as we planned out efforts and ambitions going forward. Always about the business, always so damned much about the business.

  Because that was all we’d lived for, both of us.

  Only it wasn’t. That was purely what I’d thought we lived for.

  She’d only appeared to live for the business because I had. She’d only given her all alongside me because it was the only way to be alongside me.

  And now I was planning on taking it all away from her. From Sean too.

  There was no way the European initiative of Hadley and Mason would sign up for any kind of association with Sean and Naomi without my say so, not with Devon Hadley so much on my team.

  It would be the perfect opportunity to strong arm my ex-wife into accepting a buyout. The perfect situation for insisting they were done and should fuck off out of my world.

  It would be the perfect opportunity for me to dive right in and make my millions tenfold over if I had the desire to truly do so, and take my sweet Maisie Moore along with me for the ride.

  How I wished my sweet Maisie Moore would come along for the ride.

  I was sharp in packing up a case and whizzing back across to Much Arlock as soon as I could escape Hadley’s on Frid
ay afternoon. The drive was every bit as thrilling as every other as I put my foot down on the accelerator and turned the radio high.

  Hell, I wanted her in my arms.

  I wanted my girl in my arms, in my bed, tangled up in my sheer fucking soul.

  I just hoped she was just as ready as I was. Both of us so wired for each other that nothing or nobody else would do.

  The Three Feathers were ready with a familiar greeting when I stepped into reception that evening. The suite was my regular, becoming a fresh little second home like my room in the city, but I was done with it. With all of it.

  I wanted a home with my girl and her little boy, a true family home to come home to after a long day. I just prayed with all my fucking soul that Maisie was going to reach after it too.

  As usual she was caught up with a Friday night routine when I arrived in town. I sent my regular ping over to Ryan and he joined me at the Feathers’ bar, regaling me with usual talk of his office week, just as I regaled him with mine.

  I was expecting someone to step into Maisie’s Friday night and free her up for a few hours with me, but her text after Freddie was in bed wasn’t all that forthcoming.

  He seems a bit restless, she said. I’d better stay in with him. We’ll have a nice time tomorrow though, maybe you could come and see us at lunch?

  It was a strange smart that bloomed in my gut at feeling a rejection from her. I shook it off as a non-rejection, just a practicality, but it still pained a chunk as I sent off the of course, see you then.

  Ryan raised an eyebrow as I slipped my phone back in my pocket.

  “No booty call for you tonight then?” he asked, and I shrugged.

  “Our love is a damn sight more than booty calls on a weekend,” I told him. “I’d travel across the world just to see her smile that sweet little smile of hers. I’d have happily popped over for a coffee, no grabby hands in sight.”

  “Shit, man, you’ve got it bad,” he said. “You’ll be getting down on one knee before you know it. I hope I’m in line for some best man perks.”

  I tried to keep conversation flowing easily with him, but it was harder than I figured. One beer turning into several then lingering through general chitchat.

  It was Maisie.

  I so much wanted to be with my Maisie.

  Ryan bailed before midnight and I headed up to my room, realising how much I was missing the damn video calls I’d been branding a frustrating tease.

  I couldn’t do without her. I was in too deep this second time around.

  I’d just have to be on my best form at convincing her the world ahead with me really was her calling. Bright lights, big sights, and a whole load of adventure for me, her and Freddie. I’d have to be compelling. Truly damn compelling.

  I wished I was feeling more confident as I flicked through the TV channels. I rarely struggled with confidence – I normally set myself after goals and trampled down the road ahead until I reached them, and surely this shouldn’t be different? Convincing the woman I loved that her road ahead was with me? Sailing the horizons in a jet-setting new life?

  My confidence sure wasn’t rising up as I gave up on the TV and tossed and turned in bed.

  Alone.

  Fuck, how I hated tossing and turning in bed alone.

  Morning couldn’t come fucking quickly enough as far as I was concerned.

  Chapter Forty-Three

  Maisie

  I barely slept Friday night. Tossing and turning and well aware that I had a whole load to toss and turn over.

  I’d felt so weirdly unsettled as I’d told Ollie I wasn’t available to spend time with him that evening, because it felt so raw, so wrong, so weird and scary and defeatist.

  Because it really was at least partly defeatist.

  I couldn’t see a way through this. Not for Ollie and I to be together in a world-trekking new future. Not with my life here with Freddie being so settled, so safe, so everything that had my little boy smiling.

  I made sure I was dressed sweetly in one of my floaty summer dresses and my smile was as bright as it came when Ollie rocked on up our garden path and rapped at the door Saturday lunchtime. I welcomed him in, conscious of holding back from a kiss as Freddie came barging into the hallway from the living room.

  “Come see my boat!” he yelled in a flash, and dragged Ollie on in, and I laughed a little, following both of them on through with my heart pounding.

  I was happy, and so I should be.

  Watching Ollie drop down with my son and get engaged in a natural conversation about his whizz sticks creation was everything I’d been dreaming of just a few short weeks ago.

  They dived in sharpish with more ideas and gusto, and I left them to it, heading through to the kitchen to get the kettle fired up, but I felt so nervous. So on edge that my palms were clammy and my mouth was dry as a bone.

  I nearly jumped out of my skin as a fresh rap on the door sounded, sure the colour was draining straight from my face as Freddie rushed over to answer it.

  My hand slapped to my chest in relief when my mum and dad stepped in with a celebration bar of chocolate for Fred’s try-out success. I shook my head as Mum joined me in the kitchen, mouthing how I had crapped myself thinking it was Rob at the door.

  Her eyes were kind, her fingers squeezing my arm before Ollie appeared in the doorway with a smile for both of my parents.

  “Wow,” he said. “It’s been quite some time, hasn’t it? It’s great to see you.”

  Dad shook his hand solidly, giving him a squeeze on the shoulder, and Mum headed on up for a hug and a kiss, and I was churned up fresh with how perfect this was. How perfect it all was.

  How amazingly the pieces were fitting in together around here, just like the bright smiles and brilliance dreams were made of.

  “I showed Ollie our boat,” Fred announced to my dad, and I couldn’t stop my heart bursting at the way my gorgeous man put a hand on my little boy’s shoulder.

  “It’s really quite something,” Ollie said and Dad nodded.

  “Whizz sticks always at the ready with this little guy around,” Dad told him, and Ollie laughed a low laugh.

  “He does seem quite a talented little engineer in the making.”

  Freddie’s grin was perfect. The way he summoned both men into the living room after him to get stuck into more was filled with excited confidence.

  “Any thoughts then?” Mum pushed with a whisper as I added two mugs to the coffee line up. “Any plans coming into focus?”

  I couldn’t look at her. There was no way I could even begin that conversation without getting too jumbled up to speak.

  “Rob’s mum will be here a bit later,” I said as a change of topic. “Fred’s going to his cousin’s party this evening with all of them.”

  “Great,” she said. “He’ll have fun with that.”

  I nodded. “Ollie’s checked in at the Three Feathers. I’m sure we’ll have a nice evening there.”

  Her smile said it all, so did the nudge of her elbow against my side.

  I made up the coffees and she helped me into the living room with them, sitting next to me on the sofa to watch the guys building some big robot creation.

  It made for amazing viewing, enough to have me transfixed at all three generations in one room working together. If only it could be a regular spectacle. I’d give anything for it to be a regular spectacle.

  The afternoon was running away with us by the time Mum had helped me make up some sandwiches and we’d all eaten up at the kitchen table. The guys went back to their project for another few minutes, but we were running out of time, Mum tapping at her watch and telling Dad they were due at Nanny Joan’s before the hour was up.

  Ollie’s smile was beaming as he said goodbye to my parents. The look in his eyes was so real, so full of memories, and mine came tumbling back too – so many times we’d hung out in my living room as teenagers, laughing along to TV shows with my mum and dad. So many times we’d sat around their dining room table for
Sunday dinners, chatting away quite happily.

  His smile was still at full force as he joined me back in the kitchen.

  “I really did forget how well I used to know them,” he said. “Seeing them again is fantastic. Really fantastic.”

  “I’m sure they’re super pleased to see you again too,” I told him and meant it.

  Freddie didn’t give us much of a chance to hover in the kitchen before he was right back through and grabbing Ollie’s hand.

  “Still got the monster’s sidekick to get started,” he announced, and Ollie shot me a smirk before giving in to demand.

  My belly was in knots by the time Rob’s mum arrived to pick up the little engineer. She was very polite as she said hello to Ollie, thankfully disregarding the spew of hate I’d no doubt she’d been hearing from Rob’s mouth.

  Freddie grabbed his overnight bag with little much more than a see you later to me, but his hug to Ollie was really quite something.

  “You coming to Nan and Grandad’s anniversary next week?” he asked before letting go.

  Ollie let out a sorry sigh before answering. “Unfortunately not. There’s a business meeting in London I have to be at.”

  “That sucks,” Fred said. “Can’t you have a business meeting here instead?”

  “I wish,” Ollie said, and ruffled his hair.

  Fred shrugged as he set off after his grandma, attention clearly on pastures new. I waved the pair of them away with a smile, and Ollie was right behind me as I pushed that front door closed on the world.

  “I’ve been desperate to get my hands on you, Maisie Moore,” he said, and his mouth was on my neck in a flash.

  “Just as well you have me all to yourself now then, isn’t it?” I asked, and spun myself round in his arms. “I’m all yours until tomorrow morning.”

  My body bloomed at the contact, his body pressed tight to mine, and I pushed it all away. Everything. Every scrap of worry and brain jam and uncertainty I’d been juggling for days.

  I was making the most of it. Every scrap of touch and time I had left with the man I adored. He was mine. At least for the moment. At least for the here and now.