Evenstar
Page 43
Paimon rubbed his neck, uncomfortable in his own skin. He hurt in a way he had not in a long time. Furcas had rejected him. Furcas never rejected him, only Paimon did the rejecting. He never let himself get into a position where Furcas could reject him. The thought made him wince. He’d done this to Furcas countless times and now he knew what it felt like.
Paimon stared at his hands. “Why did I do that?”
He picked a direction and walked. Paimon passed by the Lilliam children and glanced up briefly, meeting Furcas’ eyes. Furcas blushed, and changed back to his regular self. He fixed his suit. Paimon kept walking. He scuffed his shoes along the ground and headed towards Furcas’ house without thinking about it.
Furcas followed him silently.
Paimon did not enjoy being open and unshielded, it was painful. Furcas had done what he’d feared and taken the chance to get a few shots in, but he completely deserved it. That realization depressed him. He was an asshole. Furcas had no reason to trust him.
Paimon frowned. He’d done this to Furcas, made him hard and cynical. Furcas’ guard was up, and it was his fault.
Paimon wanted a drink, his hands twitched. He searched his suit and remembered he had no flask. He sighed. The exhale turned into a gasp then a shudder. He closed his lips to keep the sound from escaping.
Furcas grabbed his arm.
Paimon looked up and the two stared at each other in the semi-darkness of the empty street. Furcas searched his eyes and slipped his hand into Paimon’s, watching his expression as he did. Paimon’s face softened, he squeezed Furcas’ hand.
Furcas looked thoughtful. “So you do have a soft side in there.”
Paimon didn’t say anything, just nodded.
Furcas interlaced their fingers and gave him a tug. “Come back to the party, it’s not the same without you.”
Paimon walked along with him. He spoke softly, “If you want to act as a child—”
Furcas tore his hand out of Paimon’s grip. He turned to stalk back. “Asshole.”
Paimon stopped him. “No, Furcas, wait!”
Furcas looked up and his response died on his tongue. Paimon was serious, not a hint of sarcasm on his face.
Paimon held up his hands. “Just listen.”
“Fine.”
Paimon took a deep breath. “You are young, younger than the rest of us and I forget that sometimes, but I shouldn’t.”
“I’m not a child!”
“Listen!” Paimon searched for words. “I…I want you to play with the kids if that is what you want to do. I know I took away what youth you could have had. I am not proud of it, but it happened.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “Look, in all of this I never meant for you to lose what made you, you. But in my desire to make you strong and independent I’ve made you callous, cold, and distant.”
Furcas was rigid. “Why are you saying this now?”
“I didn’t know how to before.”
“What’s changed?”
“Almost losing you.” Paimon gulped. “I remembered how it used to be between us, and it sank in, the difference. How you treat me now versus the others. You have your guard up around me, the one person you shouldn’t have to shield yourself around. The only one I can blame for it is me.”
“Yes.” Furcas nodded. “You’re a fucking dick. You break my stuff; you make fun of me in front of others. You do it even when we’re alone!”
“Why haven’t you left me, Furcas? You have every reason to.”
Furcas spoke softly, “I would never leave you. No matter what you do. There is no one else for me but you.”
Paimon’s chest hurt. “But you can’t be open around me.”
“Of course not.” Furcas looked him up and down. “You ridicule me. Even your compliments are backhanded. Nothing you do is without its edge, your presents come with a price, your words always jabbing, pointing out my holes and imperfections. You always assert yourself as smarter, better, cleverer than me. Anything that I enjoy you’ve broken or gotten better at. You tease me in front of the others.” Furcas’ eyes filled with tears. “All that I am is something you find attractive, something you can fuck. Something that is pretty for you. So why should I show you anything else of me!”
“That’s not true!”
“It is what you have told me over and over again!”
Paimon closed his eyes. “I know, but you shouldn’t feel that way—”
“Why not? How would you feel if that is all you have ever heard?!” Furcas’ voice cracked as he quoted him, “Furcas, don’t worry, you don’t need to, you’re not as intelligent as I am. Furcas, stop trying to make decisions, you look a fool! Furcas, you’re just a kid! Furcas, leave the thinking up to me! All you need to do is look pretty!” Furcas made his hand into a fist. “I am not a fool! I can think for myself! And when you left me, I survived just fine without you!”
Paimon sucked in air. “I am sorry. I never meant—”
“Shut up and listen to me for once!” Furcas shoved him. “I was young once. I was stupid and innocent, but all that got me was pain! You never liked me that way, always picking at me, constantly chastising as if I was your child. Start acting like an adult, Furcas! Stop playing, Furcas! Why can’t you grow up, Furcas!? Before I changed, you treated me like I was fragile and weak. So I grew, I learned, but it wasn’t enough for you! Not once in all of our time together have you ever treated me as your equal!”
“I—” Paimon stuttered, “I—I never meant to give you the impression that you had to give up your youth to be a callous adult to fit in or impress me. I adored you the way you were! I do see you as my equal! I did then too!”
“Then why did you say all of those things? Why have you spent our entire time together making me feel like I had to be something else to make you happy? Like I was never good enough for you!”
“Because I’m a bastard!” Paimon pointed at his chest. “I am an idiot! And I was scared! I saw everything innocent ruined. Innocence led to Dahlia’s imprisonment, innocence led to Belial’s capture. You were sweet and pure and young just like them, I didn’t want you taken and broken too! I couldn’t bear the thought of it!
“I don’t know what I would have done if those things had happened to you. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t lose you. I wanted to keep you, when everything was being taken. But I’ve been losing you since the beginning.” He looked at Furcas with tears in his eyes. “I know I am the one that has wounded you. I needed no one else to attack you, I have done it myself, done what I wanted to prevent. I am the fool, Furcas, not you.”
Furcas gaped, too shocked to speak.
Paimon shook his head. “Instead of enjoying my time with you I could only fear that it would end. I’ve been building up towards your inevitable loss without realizing that I was wasting the time we did have. I have worked to protect you, to make you stronger, more independent, but my methods lack—”
Furcas found his voice, “I am strong, Paimon.”
“I know. You’re stronger than I am, you always have been. You’re brave, you have faith, hope.” Paimon paled. “You can stand on your own. You can make decisions. You can walk away, but I can’t.” He sank to his knees. “I can’t, and I never could and it terrifies me.”
“You left me once.”
“I ran and hid like a coward! I did not thrive, I did not laugh, and I did not pour myself into creative works as you did. I was alone and I hated what I was! I drugged myself into a stupor until I could not remember where the memories ended and the delusions began. And I drank until I realized that without you I am less than nothing.”
Furcas stared.
“You want to know if you are good enough for me?” Paimon looked up at him. “You are leagues above me! You…you are perfect! I tease you because…because I’m fucking worthless, I’m jealous, I’m an idiot.” He covered his face. “Dirt is the only thing good enough for me. Shit and waste is where I found myself. It’s what I am and it is all I’ve ever deserved.”
Furcas dropped to his knees. He skin broke out in goose bumps. Memories surfaced of a winged Paimon at his feet. The guilt and regret the same then as now. Furcas shuddered, remembering the pain he had allowed Paimon to inflict, the physical easily forgotten, but the mental and emotional attacks lingered. Still, he clenched his fists, he wanted, needed, to be close just as Paimon did. He had all but given up hope that it could happen. But he was always one to cling to irrational hope…
Furcas bit his lip and inhaled. He let the cynicism slide off his features. He dropped his affected attitude and swagger. He let the barrier slip, the emotional block that had kept him walled off from Paimon. He sensed Paimon hurting for the first time in millennia, but besides the ache, he felt honesty and fear. He could do nothing else, but respond.
Furcas reached out and touched Paimon’s hair lightly, then his cheek, cementing the bond between them. His heart pounded, but he would not back down now. His voice lost its put-on airs, sounding youthful once more, “Paimon?”
Paimon looked up and blinked. He felt Furcas, his thoughts and feelings flowed through his touch. “Furcas.”
Furcas smiled shyly. He let his eyes show how he felt. “Hi.”
Paimon took his hand. “I’ve missed you.” Furcas leapt into his arms. Paimon hugged him. “Fuck, I’ve missed you.”
They stayed locked in an embrace as time and the party passed around them.
Furcas rested his head on Paimon’s shoulder. He looked up. “I’m not the same as I was you know. I can never be that innocent again.”
“We all change, but you’re still mostly the same.”
Furcas smiled. “If I were the same then this would have had me passed out on the floor deliriously happy.”
“The old you would have passed out on the floor if I looked at you cross-eyed.” Paimon smirked. “I like it when you pass out on the floor, it has its advantages.”
Furcas blushed. “Pervert.”
Paimon grinned. “Yes, but one that likes to cuddle. Though you tell anyone and I’ll—”
Furcas raised an eyebrow.
Paimon ate his words. “I won’t do anything. Tell the world, I don’t care.” He looked to the streets. “I love to cuddle!”
Furcas laughed into his neck. “You don’t have to do that.”
“I want to. You’re all of the best things about me and I want everyone to know.”
Furcas stood and pulled him back to the party. They joined the dancers. Paimon looked at his feet. Furcas leaned in. “How good are you at leading anyways?”
“Excellent.”
“You had better be.” Furcas offered him his hand. “I’m a bit disabled for dancing at the moment, but—”
“I don’t care, you’re perfect.” Paimon beamed and swept Furcas off with the crowd.
At their table, Lucifer and Dahlia grinned. She bit Lucifer’s chin. “They are reverting.”
He nodded. “I have noticed.”
Helion flew overhead with Whitney in his arms. “Cake! They are bringing out cake! The frosted yummies are coming!”
***
Gabriel climbed across the transparent contraption that he’d worked on since humans had been developed and dispersed on the planet below. No one understood the machine as he did. He patted the surface of it. Beneath him, it vibrated with pent up energy.
He had a few more final changes and then he would be done.
He reached for a tool that he’d designed. He stared at the planet and watched the clouds swirl, a mesmerizing pattern. He smelled dirt, plants. He blinked and shook himself. Gabriel shivered; he knew he had never been to the planet, but then how could he know how plants grew? He saw a face and spasmed. The tool slipped out of his grasp and dropped towards the planet below. Gabriel dove for it.
The tool passed through the shield. He backpedaled and watched it fall. He wore no pendant, having no desire to go to the planet for any reason. He frowned and returned to Heaven.
***
The Fallen sat back at their table, slices of cake adorned as many plates as could fit on the surface. Dahlia’s spoon darted out taking a piece of each kind and tasting it. Helion did the same. Dahlia and Helion made eye contact and sped up their tasting, determined to beat the other.
Furcas had a giant piece of chocolate cake to himself. He leaned against Paimon. Paimon refrained from eating and had his arm around Furcas, his fingers lazily batted Furcas’ braid back and forth. He gazed at him until Furcas’ eyes darted to his. Under the table, Paimon slid a hand up Furcas’ inner thigh.
Furcas stomped on Paimon’s instep. “Creep.”
Paimon yanked on Furcas’ braid. “Cripple.”
Dahlia settled on a simple slice of pound cake. Belial impaled a slice of angel’s food cake. She looked it over. “Where is the devil’s food cake? This shit is nasty.”
Andy swallowed. “In my stomach and it was oh so tasty.”
Lucifer pushed his slice over. “Have mine, I do not like it.”
Dahlia intercepted the slice and took a small piece. She passed it to Belial. Belial took a gob of it and smashed it into Andy’s face. Andy blinked and licked his lips. “Uh, thanks?”
Belial smiled. She scooped another glob up.
Lucifer eyed her. “Belial, think about what you are about to start.”
Andy grinned and gave her no time to do any such thing. He grabbed a cupcake and pressed it into her face. Belial laughed and rubbed cake in his hair. Furcas and Paimon ducked. Lucifer leapt across the table and tackled Belial and Andy. He drove them into the floor. “Stop it.”
Dahlia jumped on the table and dropped a rainbow chip slice on Lucifer’s head. He glared at her. She grinned. “Whoops!”
Helion did not understand wasting perfectly good food. He grabbed at pieces before anyone else could snatch and throw them. Whitney leaned back in her seat and finished her chocolate raspberry cake in peace. The table jerked to the left as one of its legs was kicked out. Furcas and Paimon backed up and watched the four wrestle underneath. Berith and Apple sighed and joined them.
Helion and Whitney flew into the air with as many cakes as they could carry. They stared at the scene below, while eating from above. Lucifer hauled Dahlia out of the mix by her hair. She high kicked him in the face. “Let go!”
Paimon whispered to Furcas, Furcas nodded and nudged Berith and Apple. They shrugged and agreed. The three ran off. Paimon waited for the fighting to die down. Andy collected himself and scraped off cake, shoveling it into his mouth and smiling. Belial rescued Dahlia from Lucifer’s grasp. The pair squared off with Lucifer, each with a plate of cake in hand.
Paimon jumped on the unsteady table. “New game!”
Lucifer frowned and wiped off his face. “What now?”
Paimon grinned. “Tag.” He snapped his fingers and a ball of fire formed over his head. “I’m it. Run.”
Belial and Dahlia ran, trailing cake as they left the promenade. Lucifer dashed after Dahlia, intent on reclaiming her. Paimon looked at Andy. “Well?”
Andy looked up from cleaning his suit. “Sorry, what?”
Paimon backhanded him, transferring the fire. “You’re it!” He ran. He made it to the first street of buildings before Andy landed on his back.
“No, you’re it!” Andy leapt away.
Paimon scowled. “No tag backs!” The ball glowed above his head. He sighed. “New rule, no tag backs, starting now.” The fire flickered. He stood up and dusted himself off.
Gaea ran up beside him. “I can show you where they
are.”
Paimon grinned and set her on his shoulders. He ran the direction she pointed.
***
Berith ducked into Titan’s Borough. Mostly full of squat houses of metal, earth, and stone, it housed ogres, dwarves, and the occasional troll. He barreled down side streets, weaving as much as he could. Being the slowest he had a distinct disadvantage in the game. But, if he could blend in and—
Paimon dropped on his head. “Tag! No tag backs!” He slapped Berith and ran away with Gaea perched on his shoulders.
Berith sighed, now it was going to be difficult. He stared at the fire floating above his head. Not exactly something he could hide and sneak up on people with. He climbed to the roof of the building closest to him. Berith looked around, ignoring the snickering coming from the ogres that had watched him get tagged.
Helion flew against the ceiling, in plain sight but too far for him to reach. Berith saw a blur move across the rooftops, probably Andy. He squinted; someone climbed up the side of the palace. He grinned. Berith leapt to the ground and ran.
***
Belial scaled the palace; her talons took chunks out of the stone. Only Helion and Andy could catch her now and she could see Helion from where he flew overhead. She saw a window above, perfect for hiding.
A chunk of stone slammed into her back. Her talons broke. “Fuck!” She fell the length of the palace and slammed into the ground, dazed.
Berith helped her to her feet. “Tag, no tag backs!”
Belial held her head and dusted herself off. She scowled. She grew a new set of talons and looked around. She did not see anyone besides Helion. She grinned and climbed.
***
Helion soared in a giant circle, watching the others below. He saw where Furcas, Paimon, Dahlia, Lucifer, and Berith had gone. He didn’t see Andy or Belial. He continued his sweep around the City.
Helion heard laughing and looked around. It was Belial, but the laughing echoed, and he could not tell from which direction it came. He looked down, but the streets below were only full of Lilliam children watching the game. Helion frowned. They were looking past him, above him. He looked up.