‘Maybe he’s changed?’ I say. ‘Become a better person?’
She shakes her head. ‘I don’t believe any of us are capable of changing. Not really. We’re still always who we are inside, no matter what we try to show to the world. Don’t you think?’
‘Perhaps.’ I think of Zach. Was he always capable of such betrayal? How did I not notice it? ‘That’s if we see it in the first place,’ I tell Elaine.
She offers her sympathetic smile again. ‘Don’t blame yourself for anything. I spent a long time wondering if I’d pushed Dominic away, or turned him into the uncaring person he became, and it was ages before I woke up and realised none of it was my fault. I gave all I could to that marriage and I’m sure you did too.’
Although Elaine is being more forthcoming than I could have hoped for, I still don’t know whether Dominic Bradford was physically abusive towards her. I make one last attempt to find out for sure. ‘Still, divorce is one of the most stressful things you can go through. It’s funny, people get divorced for so many reasons: infidelity, abuse—’
She starts to say something but we’re interrupted by a knock at her door. Through the glass I see a young couple standing together, their arms wrapped around each other. Elaine smiles and holds up her hand to signal them to wait. ‘Oh, that’s my appointment. I have to go and show them a property now.’ She lowers her voice. ‘Between you and me, they’re bloody time-wasters. I think this must be the thirtieth house they’ve viewed and none are anywhere near good enough.’ She stands up and holds out her hand. ‘Anyway, it was lovely to meet you, Mia. If you just leave your details with Tina, the lady sitting nearest the front door, I’ll give you a call and we can get started with your search.’
I thank her and leave her office. As I head to the front door I see the woman who must be Tina. I consider stopping to leave my details, to keep up the charade in the hope that I can get more information about Dominic from Elaine, but I decide it’s not fair to deceive her this way. Besides, she doesn’t know anything about Dominic now – and she won’t be able to tell me a thing about Alison – so I need to move on.
I glance back at Elaine’s office and see she is busy talking the ears off the loved-up couple, so I smile at Tina and head through the doors, out into the oppressive heat.
* * *
Freya was quiet when I picked her up from Graham and Pam’s, and although I asked her about her weekend, she only offered mumbled responses. I didn’t push her, but now we’re back at home and she still won’t talk much. This isn’t like her.
‘Sweetheart, are you okay?’
She shrugs. ‘Yeah, I’m okay.’
She’s half-heartedly doing a jigsaw on the living room floor, and I sit down next to her. ‘You don’t seem okay. Can you tell me what’s wrong?’
Again she gives a shrug, but then immediately starts talking. ‘My daddy was a nasty man, wasn’t he?’
Her question is such a shock that for a moment I think I must have misheard her. She has never said anything like this before. But then she repeats herself.
I reach across and hold her hand. ‘No, sweetheart, of course he wasn’t. Why do you say that?’
She pulls her hand away. ‘Mummy, you’re lying. I know he was. He was a bad man.’ She tries to crush a jigsaw piece in her palm but it’s too sturdy so she gives up and throws it down instead. My daughter never behaves like this, at least not since she was a toddler and could only express her frustration with tantrums.
‘Freya, you need to tell me why you’re saying this and then we can talk about it properly, okay?’ I put the jigsaw piece back with the others.
Seconds pass until she finally nods. ‘I read it. On Grandad’s iPad.’
My chest tightens. ‘Read what, Freya?’
There are tears in her eyes now so I pull her towards me and wrap my arms around her. ‘It’s okay, sweetheart, just tell me everything. What did you read?’
Through her sniffs and snorts, I have to strain to hear all her words. ‘Megan told me how to Google stuff on her iPad so I used it to look up my dad.’
I knew this time would come eventually, I just didn’t think it would be when Freya was only seven. There is no way I can expect her to understand what happened, so all I can do is try to control the damage. I urge her to carry on.
‘It said he did a bad thing to a girl he was teaching. Mummy, what did he do? I didn’t understand it all. But they said she must be dead and that’s why he… made himself dead.’
Her tears come faster now so I hold her even tighter. I have always been honest with Freya and told her Zach took his own life. There was no way I was going to lie to her only for her to find out the truth years later and question everything she’s ever known. But I have never mentioned the circumstances surrounding it, only telling her that he felt very sad.
‘Listen to me, sweetheart. Daddy loved you very much – more than anything – and don’t you ever forget that.’
She thinks about this for a moment, staring at me with glassy eyes and a trembling lip. ‘Okay. But it’s horrible, Mummy. Was he really nasty, like they’re saying?’
‘What you’ve got to remember, honey, is that he loved you.’
‘And you, Mummy.’
My chest tightens. ‘Yes, and me. He loved us both and that’s all that matters. Don’t listen to anything else. As you get older you might hear more things about him, but you’ve got to just ignore it. And just keep remembering what I’ve said. He loved us, and nothing else matters. Sometimes people make bad mistakes – it doesn’t always mean they’re bad people.’
The words stick in my throat, threatening to choke me.
* * *
Will is in good spirits this evening, bounding through the door with a box of chocolates for me and a pack of the Frozen stickers he knows Freya collects.
I half-heartedly cook us a meal while they watch television together and I can’t bring myself to speak much as we eat. Thankfully, Freya has perked up after our chat and is keeping Will busy enough not to question me.
The talk I had today with Elaine plays on my mind. She didn’t come out and say that Dominic was abusive, but I know she was about to tell me something when we were interrupted. But it’s too dangerous to make assumptions. The only thing I know for sure is that either Alison or Dominic is lying to me. Was Alison scared of him? Is that why she quickly retracted her statement and practically ran from my office? Or is Dominic right and she’s extremely troubled? I can’t ignore the fact that she’s chosen to focus on me: there’s a reason for that and I need to find out what it is.
Drop it, Mia. You’ve fought hard to move on after what Zach did, and to build a life for yourself and Freya, so don’t step backwards now. That would be a huge mistake. But how can I forget Alison’s words, constantly whirring in my head?
* * *
Later, in bed, Will questions me about my reticence during dinner, just as I knew he would. ‘Are you sure you’re okay? Are you feeling ill again?’
Normally I don’t like to burden him – I try to solve problems on my own, and so far I’ve kept him out of anything to do with Zach, but tonight I’m exhausted, and just in this moment it feels right to share some things with him.
‘Oh, Will, something happened with Freya this afternoon and, well, it’s kind of thrown me. More than thrown me, actually.’
He sits up straighter, a frown on his face. ‘Tell me.’
I repeat what Freya said, trying to remember the words she used, but I know I won’t have them exactly right. I was too shocked to notice exactly how she put everything.
‘Oh shit,’ says Will, when I’ve finished. ‘That’s not good.’ He very rarely swears so I know this is a shock to him. ‘What did you tell her?’
‘The only thing I could. That Zach loved her and nothing else matters.’
He nods. ‘Hmmm. I’m guessing that was hard for you to say.’
When I first met Will I couldn’t bring myself to tell him exactly what had happened. I didn
’t lie to him, but told him it was too difficult to talk about, and that I’d appreciate it if he didn’t push me. I didn’t know if he’d heard anything, from other people or from social media.
Will’s sister was a teacher at Freya’s school so I had no doubt people were gossiping about it when Freya first started, even though it was three years later at that point. So the more time went on, the more I realised I didn’t want his mind filled with anyone’s version of events but mine.
Of course I thought about moving, before Freya started school – that would have been the easier option – but I refused to be chased out of my home.
We were on our first date when I broached the subject with Will. I’d reluctantly agreed to have a coffee with him after brushing him off a few times – he’d never given up and had taken to giving his sister lifts to school, which she didn’t need or particularly want, just so he’d have an excuse to see me. He took my hand and told me he didn’t listen to other people and had no opinion about it either way. ‘I wasn’t there,’ he said, ‘so I’m not going to judge.’ But he added that when I was ready to talk about it, he would listen with an open mind.
And he was true to his word. ‘Life deals us horrendous blows sometimes,’ he’d said, ‘but never let it define you, Mia. Whatever Zach did had nothing to do with you.’
So now, as painful memories once again stir within me, I realise how blessed I am to have Will, and the second chance at life he has given me.
‘Do you know what makes all this harder?’ I say. ‘The fact they never found her body. It’s like there’s a permanent question mark hanging over me and Freya, and I just want it gone.’
‘I know this is hard to hear, but sometimes people are never found, even though everything points to them no longer being alive. Even if they do find her, it could be years before that happens, it might not even be in our lifetime.’
I don’t know if finding Josie Carpenter would be better or worse than how it already is, but at least the ghost of her would no longer haunt me – I could lay all this to rest.
Will grabs my hand. ‘Listen, I know this probably isn’t the best time… Actually, it’s the worst possible time, but I need to ask you something – again – and I need you to at least consider it. I love you and Freya – you know that, don’t you?’
I nod, already knowing where this conversation will go.
‘You both make me so happy, and I can’t… actually I don’t want to be without you.’ He must notice the panic on my face, and he smiles and squeezes my shoulder. ‘Don’t worry, Mia, I’m not proposing. But I am asking you again. Officially. Will you think about us living together?’
So many times he’s asked me this, but never quite in this way. And he’s right, his timing couldn’t be worse, but as I look at his face, full of hope, I know there is only one answer I can give. Maybe, after all, fate has him asking me right now for a reason. To show me everything will be okay.
I lift his hand and kiss it. ‘Yes, let’s do it. But I don’t think we should live here. It just wouldn’t feel right. Let’s buy somewhere new together, have a fresh start. It will be good for Freya too, especially after what she said today.’
Will grabs me and pulls me into him, letting out a huge cheer and punching the air. ‘Do you know how happy you’ve just made me? In fact, don’t answer that, let me just show you.’
And I let him, because I need to cleanse Zach away and focus on Will. On the future. And I won’t let Alison or Dominic or anyone else ruin it for us.
* * *
Later, when Will has snuck to the spare room and I’m beginning to drift off, my phone pings with an email alert. Something in my gut warns me not to check, but my hand still reaches for it. I need to stop being paranoid; it’s probably just junk mail, like it always seems to be at this time of night. I squint at the screen until the words come into focus.
I need to make another appointment to see you. It’s urgent. Please. I can come any time tomorrow.
It’s from Alison Cummings.
Chapter Fourteen
Josie
* * *
‘I don’t think I should come in with you when we get there,’ Zach says. ‘But I’ll wait in the car park for you. And you’ve got my mobile number now, so you can just text if you need me.’
We’re on our way to the police station and it’s taken him days to convince me to go. Even though I would have come on my own, it’s nice that he’s here with me. But I’ve spent my whole life not depending on anyone so I won’t allow myself to need him now.
‘What if I’m in there for hours?’ I say. This is more than likely; there’s a lot of ground to cover. ‘You should probably go, I’ll be fine.’ And I will – I always am. ‘Anyway, don’t you need to be at home? It’s Saturday. Surely that’s a family day?’
He lets out a heavy sigh. ‘Unfortunately my work and the book mean there’s not really such a thing as a family day. Anyway, Mia’s taking Freya out this morning, so no, I don’t need to be there. She’s got it covered, she always has.’ He sighs again. ‘I actually don’t know how she does it. Leave me alone with Freya for five minutes and I’m pulling my hair out, wondering what I’m supposed to do, why she won’t stop moaning or crying.’
Although I hate to think of Zach in distress at all, I feel a tiny flutter at hearing that his family life might not be so perfect. Shit, I must be a horrible person. ‘Well, obviously I don’t have my own yet, but I pretty much did everything for Kieren when he was a baby so I know how hard it is. At least, it is when you’re trying to be a good parent.’ Of course, Liv didn’t care. Kieren could be wailing his head off for hours and she wouldn’t bat an eyelid, wouldn’t even attempt to find out what he needed. It was always up to me to take care of him. But I never minded – I would die for that little boy.
‘It’s just effortless to Mia,’ Zach continues. ‘But for me… well, let’s just say I’m struggling a bit.’
Even though I’m grateful he is opening up to me, I hate to think of him going through any kind of shit. ‘I’m sure she appreciates that you’re trying,’ I say.
‘Oh, she does. Mia’s always telling me what a great job I’m doing, and that she couldn’t manage without me, but it’s not true because she totally would. Anyway, she never sees me struggling – I don’t want her to worry.’ He turns to me. ‘Sorry, I shouldn’t be going on about my crap when you’re about to walk in there.’ He gestures to the police station. ‘Sorry, Josie.’
I brush off his apology. ‘Remember what you said to me a while ago – you more or less said that we’re human beings and not meant to be perfect, so stop being so hard on yourself. Whatever you’re feeling now, it will pass. Trust me, I know.’
He stares at me for too long and my insides burn. It’s a painful feeling, but nice too. ‘You’ve got a wise head on your young shoulders,’ he says eventually. ‘You know, I actually kind of envy you in a way.’
‘What? Are you kidding me?’ I almost choke on my words. ‘You envy me?’
‘Hey, I said “almost”, remember? Anyway, maybe envy’s the wrong word. I just mean that you have a freedom I can only dream of. I had it once, of course, when I was younger, but I didn’t appreciate it then. Took it for granted, like most people do. Don’t get me wrong, I know what you’ve been through, and it was horrendous, I’m just talking about the freedom to wake up in the morning and do what you like. To go where you like, whenever you want.’ He pauses. ‘Oh, Josie, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that – it was insensitive of me. I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t worry about it. Anyway, I might have that, but I’m not really free, am I? And actually, if you really think about it, none of us truly are. Doesn’t true freedom mean having no desires? Not wanting anything other than what we need to live?’
He laughs. ‘You’re right, Josie. And that’s exactly why you need to keep writing, keep creating. Don’t bottle up what you’ve got in your head.’
My cheeks heat up and I know I must be turning red
but luckily we are approaching the police station so I try to focus on the task ahead.
Zach pulls into the only free parking space and turns off the engine. ‘Right, are you ready?’
‘Look, you need to go, Zach. Home or wherever. I’ll be fine.’
He turns around and points to the laptop sitting on the back seat. ‘I’m sure you will be but I’ve got writing to do. And after philosophising with you all the way here, I’m getting in the zone now, so off you go. Don’t put this off any longer, Josie. And one more thing – just ignore what I’ve said. I have no right to complain about my life, I truly am blessed.’
As I walk away from the car and light a cigarette, guilt consumes me. This kind man, who I’m growing more attached to every day, shouldn’t be here with me. He should be at home with his wife and daughter, giving them every second of his time that he’s not working or writing.
But as I turn around, ready to tap on his window and tell him to leave again, I see he is already focused on his laptop, and I can’t bring myself to disturb him. Perhaps he needs this time alone. After all, he wouldn’t be here if he didn’t want to.
But why is he choosing to spend his time with you – his student, and a messed-up one at that – instead of his family? Ask yourself that question, Josie.
I ignore the voice in my head. I find it hard to even think of him as my lecturer now; it feels as though we’ve crossed a barrier somehow. Not physically, of course, but there is something emotional between us.
* * *
Silent Lies: A gripping psychological thriller Page 12