With these thoughts consuming me, I spot the bottle of gin on the bookshelf. Alison never did move it and neither did I, feeling proud of myself every time I walked past it without giving in. But now it’s calling my name. Daring me to have just one sip. Just one glass. An adult’s way to make the world disappear.
I give in and grab the bottle, taking it back to the sofa and cradling it in my hands. And the funny thing is, I don’t care. It tastes awful sliding down my throat, like sharp knives, but I carry on anyway.
I’m feeling better by the time I’ve finished the bottle, and I rummage through the cupboards in search of more, even though I know I won’t find any. It’s been months since I touched any alcohol, so there’s no chance of finding anything still lying around.
To distract myself I pick up my phone and scroll through my contacts until I see her name. Liv Carpenter. I don’t really have a plan, I only know I want to mess with her head, just like she’s tried to do to me all these years. It’s amazing how inspiration can strike when you’ve had a few.
‘And what the hell do you want?’ she says when she answers.
I laugh before I speak. ‘To tell you I’ve won, Liv. I’ve finally won. You’re not going to do anything to me. Not you. And not Richard.’
‘Oh really? And why is that?’
‘Let’s just say that if you, Richard or anyone else comes anywhere near me to try and harm me in any way then I’m going straight to the prison to have a chat with Johnny.’
She grunts down the phone. ‘Ha! A chat with Johnny? And why would you want to do that? I’m sure he’ll be really pleased to see you.’
‘Oh, he will when I tell him what you’ve been doing.’
Silence. She knows exactly where I’m going with this.
‘What’s the matter, Liv? Lost your voice for once?’
‘Just what exactly are you saying, Josie? Get to the sodding point.’
‘I know all about you and Richard.’ I don’t, not for sure anyway, but Liv will never know that.
‘I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.’
‘I know what the two of you are doing, behind Johnny’s back. I’m sure he’d love to know you’re shacked up with his cousin.’
Silence again. For longer this time. I thought she might at least deny it.
‘Listen, you little bitch, if you ever say anything to him, I’ll—’
‘But you won’t do anything, will you, Liv? Because you’ll probably be dead in some gutter somewhere before you even have a chance to get to me. Johnny won’t stand for his woman screwing around with his cousin, will he? Apart from anything else, you’ve both made a fool out of him and I know he won’t stand for that. And I guarantee that whatever he does to you will be a million times worse than what he did to me.’
‘It’s your word against ours, though, Josie, and who d’you think he’ll believe? The woman he loves or the little whore who put him in prison?’
I’m ready for this. ‘Maybe. But then all I have to do is show him the photo I took of you two from outside your window and, well, I’m sure that will convince him.’
And then, when she begins cursing and screaming down the phone, I cut her off. I should feel good after this – it’s the first time I’ve actually been able to wipe the nasty smirk off her face – but somehow I feel more empty, and more alone than ever.
For a while I stay put, telling myself I don’t need any more, that I’ve had enough to take the edge off, but then I get scared that what I’ve already had will wear off and I’ll be back to my reality. I can’t deal with that right now.
Without thinking, I grab my jacket and keys and head to the corner shop, trying my best to appear sober. But the man behind the counter doesn’t care that I’m blatantly pissed, and he doesn’t bat an eyelid when I plonk a bottle of gin down on the counter. I’d prefer something else – anything else – but I’m not stupid enough to mix my drinks.
I hand him a twenty-pound note and accidentally scatter the change all over the floor when he gives it to me. ‘Keep it,’ I say, because I just don’t care any more. He tuts and curses under his breath that I’ve given him extra work to do, but I don’t care.
Back at home I make a start on the second bottle and everything becomes a blur. Somehow hours pass and I only notice the time because someone is pounding on the door.
For some reason I think it must be Alison, and I rush to answer, almost falling flat on my face as I trip over my phone charger. I don’t even remember leaving it on the floor.
But when I fling the door open, it’s not Alison standing there.
Chapter Thirty-One
Mia
* * *
‘Josie was her own worst enemy,’ Alison says.
She walks to the window and stares through the blinds before pulling them shut. ‘I mean, she tried to be strong and keep things together, but in the end she was just… weak. But she couldn’t see it. Oh no, she thought she was invincible, made of titanium.’
I have always found it difficult to hear anything about Josie, but now I silently beg Alison to keep talking. I need to know everything that happened. Yes, she’s telling me all this for a reason, and I have no doubt she’s planned it all, right down to the smallest detail, but I’ll deal with whatever comes. Right now, my desperation for the truth overshadows everything else.
From my seat on the sofa, I look around the room. There doesn’t appear to be anything she could use to harm me, there are no pockets on any of her clothes, and I’m convinced I’m physically stronger than her. If it comes to that.
‘Were you jealous of her?’ I turn to Alison, no longer caring if my words offend her. It doesn’t matter any more.
She considers my question for a moment. ‘Maybe.’
I expected a denial, but finally Alison is telling me something that may actually hold a grain of truth. ‘Why? As far as I can see you had a whole lot more than she ever did. Your parents love you, for starters. Josie never had that.’ I want to stand up but I’m too afraid to move. Alison, still standing by the window, has the position of power.
‘You didn’t let me finish. I think I was a bit jealous of her to start with. Until I got to know her. Before that all I saw was this beautiful, confident girl who would never have any problems getting any man to fall for her. She was just so different to me. I’d barely even had a boyfriend.’
I stare at Alison’s face as she talks. She’s an attractive girl, so any problems she had with men must have been because of who she is, what’s inside of her.
‘I really did want to like her, though,’ she continues. ‘I tried to give her a chance, but everything about her just rubbed me up the wrong way. I suppose I did that to her too, though. Anyway, none of that matters now, does it? Like I was saying, she was the kind of girl who could have just about anyone she wanted, even a university lecturer. I mean, how many people could say that they had someone risk their career to be with them?’
The ground seems to fall away beneath my feet. ‘I knew you were lying when you said you believed Zach didn’t do anything with her. Everything you’ve said to me since the day I laid eyes on you has been fabricated, hasn’t it, Alison?’
She comes closer towards me. ‘We’ll get to the part about my lies, Mia, but to answer your first question, the truth is, I wasn’t there in the room with them. I can’t tell you whether or not he slept with her, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t want to, that he wasn’t tempted.’
Alison’s words are like bricks crashing against my head. ‘You didn’t talk to him that night, did you?’ I say.
‘Yes, I did, Mia, but you’re jumping way ahead.’ She flicks her wrist and checks the time on an old-looking gold watch. I didn’t think people her age even bothered with watches any more, but then Alison isn’t typical of a twenty-six-year-old. ‘If I’m going to do this, I’m doing it at my own pace. We’ve got all night, haven’t we? You’re not going anywhere, are you?’
I don’t answer, but once again comfor
t myself by clasping the cold, hard metal of my phone, still in my pocket.
‘The trouble is I have a big problem with all this, Alison. With everything you say. You’ve lied to me so many times before, so why should I believe anything you say now?’
‘That’s your choice. And actually it doesn’t matter what you believe. It only matters what I believe.’
This woman is crazy, and I’ve been foolish to come here, thinking I could get any sense out of her. Given her track record, how could I expect her to be honest now? ‘Dominic never abused you, did he? And you put that photo of Josie on his computer, didn’t you?’
‘Well, I suppose that one wasn’t hard to work out. Yes, that was a photo of Josie I had on my phone.’
‘But where did you get it? It looked like a selfie, so she must have sent it to you.’
‘She did – by mistake. I don’t know who it was intended for, but I don’t think it was for me. Unless she just wanted to say a big “fuck you” to me. That’s what it looks like she’s thinking in it.’
‘And did she send it the night she died?’
Alison nods and sits on the sofa next to me. It’s all I can do not to jump up and move as far away from her as possible.
‘Yes,’ she says. ‘That’s part of the reason why I came over here. I hadn’t seen her for months, not even at uni. Well, I’d spotted her there a few times but always hid so she never saw me. But I was so angry with her. All those months of living together, messing with each other, took their toll on me and I just wanted… I don’t know, closure? That night I was studying in the library at uni when she sent me the photo. It was late and I assumed she was probably drunk – as usual. I was so mad I just wanted to rip into her. I’d tried to before, many times, but it never quite came out right. I always ended up seeming weak. That’s what Josie did to me, Mia, she weakened me. Made me feel like I was completely useless, though in reality I had far more going for me academically than she did.’
I take in her words, commit them to my memory for when I have to repeat what she’s told me as evidence.
‘So you lied to Zach when you told him you’d come here to look for your bracelet? The one your mum supposedly gave you.’
‘Yes, that was a lie. There’s no bracelet. It was the easiest thing to tell Zach at the time. But that’s not important, Mia.’
She’s right – that’s just a small lie in a forest of hundreds. ‘Why did you move out in the end, Alison? What had happened between you two that was worse than the fights you’d already had?’
‘I told her I was going to report her relationship with Zach. Well, of course she didn’t like that and threatened me. A nasty threat. And I guess it spooked me, because I knew by then what kind of family she came from and what had already happened to her, so there was no telling what she was capable of.’ She pauses and turns to me. ‘I’m not proud of my threat to her. Especially when I had no evidence that she and Zach had ever done anything together, but, well, that’s how fuelled with rage I was. I like that phrase, don’t you? Fuelled with rage.’
I grip my phone a little tighter. I don’t know how much longer I can wait, but she hasn’t told me what she did yet and I’ve come too far now to sacrifice finally knowing the truth.
How ironic that Alison actually feared Josie, given what she did. I shake my head. ‘So that’s why you killed her? To stop her harming you? You’re going to try and say it was some sort of self-defence?’
Alison stands up, towering over me; I can’t help but reel back. ‘Oh no, I’m not going to say that at all. Because I didn’t kill her.’
Chapter Thirty-Two
Josie
* * *
I stare at Zach. ‘What… what are you doing here?’
He frowns. ‘What do you mean? You called me. About a thousand times. Why didn’t you answer when I called back? I’ve been worried sick about you, Josie. What’s going on?’
This must be a dream; I never called Zach. He can’t really be standing at my door. I grope around in my pocket for my phone and check my call history. Sure enough, there are six calls to Zach and three missed calls from him, as well as two text messages asking if I’m okay.
‘Oops!’ I say. ‘Sorry, I must have drunk-dialled you.’
His face falls, disappointment sketched all over it. He thought I was better than this, above this kind of juvenile behaviour. ‘Josie, I thought you’d stopped drinking, that you were making a fresh start.’
‘What’s the point?’ I say. If Zach thinks I’m a stupid little girl then why not live up to his idea of me?
He hasn’t made any move to come in so I’m not surprised when he tells me this probably isn’t the best time to talk. ‘You need to get some rest, Josie. Let’s catch up tomorrow.’
But there won’t be any catching up or chatting or anything else tomorrow. Tomorrow I will just be pushed aside again, into a neat little compartment in his head. Somewhere safe, where he won’t let me out. I can’t let him go. I grab his arm and pull him inside, expecting resistance but it doesn’t come. He sighs but lets me drag him in and shut the front door.
‘I shouldn’t be here,’ he says, ‘especially if you’ve been drinking.’ But he doesn’t stop me guiding him into the living room.
‘That’s all you ever say, Zach.’ I slump onto the sofa and pat the seat next to me. ‘Just sit and keep me company, that’s all. Come on.’
He checks his watch. ‘Maybe for a little while. But it’s pretty late and I’ll need to get back home soon.’ Finally, he sits down, but he chooses the seat at the other end of the sofa. ‘So where’s your flatmate? Alison, isn’t it?’
‘She moved out. Couldn’t bear to be around me any more.’ I laugh, even though there’s nothing funny at all. That’s the beauty of gin.
Zach ignores it and tries his best to pretend I’m sober. ‘Well, that’s a good thing, isn’t it? You two didn’t get along, did you? At least this is one less thing for you to stress about.’
But he’s wrong. ‘At least she was someone. Someone always here when I came home. Now there’s just silence. And no food.’ I start to giggle again, and even though I’m angry with myself for doing it, I can’t seem to stop. And the serious expression on Zach’s face sets me off even more.
He ignores it. ‘But what about Craig? I bet he’s here all the time.’
I throw my head back against the sofa. ‘Let’s just say things didn’t exactly work out there.’
There’s a pause, and even in my drunken state I wonder if Zach’s happy to hear this, deep down in that part of him he’s trying to suppress. ‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ he says, and I long to tell him it’s because of him. Because he’s the only man I want.
‘Ask me why, Zach.’
Again a pause, longer this time. ‘I don’t think I should, Josie. It’s not my business, it’s between you and Craig.’
But it is Zach’s business. I almost tell him this but stop myself just in time – I’m not that much of an arsehole. ‘Drink?’ I hold up my bottle of gin.
He shakes his head. ‘Ha! No, thanks. And I think you’ve had enough for both of us.’
I take a long swig from the bottle. ‘I’m only just getting started, believe me.’
‘Josie, slow down. Why are you feeling so sorry for yourself? This isn’t you.’ He makes a swipe for the bottle but even in my state I’m too fast and pull it away.
‘What’s brought you to this?’ he adds, when I don’t answer. ‘Has something happened with your mum? Is your brother okay?’
‘Don’t call her that – she’s no mother to me, you know that. Or to Kieren, even though she’s pretending she’s a good one to him. Oh, God, how can I let him be in that house with her? With them.’
‘What do you mean them? Please don’t tell me that man’s out of prison?’
‘No. No, it’s not him, but I think she’s shacking up with his cousin – Richard. He’s the one who came all the way to London to threaten me into withdrawing my statement to the police
about Johnny.’
‘That’s just… crazy.’
‘I know. It’s like something off Jeremy Kyle, isn’t it? You couldn’t make this shit up. But, I’m really worried, Zach. Kieren might be all young and cute now but he’ll grow up soon enough. I’ve got to get him out of there. I can’t stand by and let something happen to him. It could be tomorrow, or years down the line, but I’ve got to do something.’
Zach moves closer to me and places his hand on my arm. ‘You have to stay calm, Josie. Look, you’ve already reported everything to the police and social services – I think you have to let them deal with it now.’
‘But eventually they’ll stop thinking about her, they’ll give up because she’s putting on this motherly act, and that’s when it will happen. And this time it could be worse than what happened to me!’ I sound hysterical, and Zach keeps his hand on my arm. But he should let go of me. He really should.
‘Listen to me, Josie. You’ve got to be strong. Like I know you are. Things will work out in the end, they always do. Trust me. Think of what you’ve already been through and survived.’
And looking at Zach now, I do trust him. Even through my lens of alcohol, I can see he has never meant me any harm, has only ever looked out for me.
I don’t know I’m making the biggest mistake of my life until I’m actually doing it, but suddenly I’m moving closer to Zach, leaning into him and pushing my mouth against his, desperate to taste him, to draw him into me, to never let him go.
It must only last a second, maybe even less than that, and then he’s shoving me away, his face creased with panic. ‘Josie, you shouldn’t have done that. We can’t… I love my wife. More than love her, she’s my whole world.’
Silent Lies: A gripping psychological thriller Page 25