Suddenly I feel sober, hearing Zach’s words filled with so much anguish and pain. I’m so ashamed of myself that I run from the flat.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Mia
* * *
Hearing Alison’s denial, there is no doubt in my mind what I have to do now. She is not going to give me any answers, so I have to accept that I’ll never know exactly what happened that night.
‘I could do with some water,’ I say, trying to make my voice sound hoarse, although I know she won’t believe me. She can’t possibly think that I will let her get away with what she’s done.
But as usual, she is full of surprises. ‘Fine,’ she says. ‘I’ll be right back.’
I’m stunned that she’s leaving me in the room alone when she knows I must have my mobile on me, but perhaps this is an oversight. What I’m sure of now, though, is that the front door is locked, and there is no way for me to get out. That’s the only thing that would explain her confidence.
But I still don’t know what she wants from me.
Keeping my eye on the living-room door, I quickly pull out my phone and dial Will’s number, hoping he’ll answer and that it won’t go to his voicemail. When he picks up, his voice is thick with tiredness and without a word I toggle down the volume and slip the phone back in my pocket, still connected, and shout out to Alison.
‘I’m here,’ she says, appearing in the doorway with a glass of water. She puts it on the carpet by my feet, but she must know there is no way I will touch a single drop.
‘What am I doing here, Alison? You’re claiming you didn’t harm Josie, so what do you want from me?’
She joins me on the sofa. ‘Well, it’s like I said before: I wanted you to know the truth about Zach. That he didn’t sleep with Josie. It’s important to me that you know that.’
Alison’s psychosis must run deeper than I imagined; her words are a huge contradiction to what she said earlier about not being able to know. But of course she has an answer when I question her about this.
‘I said I wasn’t in the room with them, so I have no real evidence, but like I told you before, I spoke to Zach and I believe every word he said. Every single word. He really loved you. And Freya. You must have been his whole world.’ She begins biting her nails.
But we weren’t, were we? I tell Alison that nothing she is saying makes sense, but she doesn’t reply. I need to tread carefully; I don’t want her to clam up now.
‘Tell me this, at least: why did you need me to know all this?’
‘Because I want justice for Josie.’
And now it’s all becoming clearer. Somehow, in her deranged mind, and despite what she’s saying, Alison must think Zach killed Josie. Just like everyone else. Her claim that Dominic was involved must have just been to get me to listen; she wouldn’t have known whether or not I thought Zach was guilty. It’s possible she’s blocked out any memory of what she herself did, and is now focusing it on Zach. With him dead, I’m the one who must take the blame for what happened to Josie.
I need to keep her talking so Will has long enough to call the police. He will have heard our conversation and I hope it’s enough for him to realise something is very wrong. And once he’s called them, they should be able to find our location from my mobile phone – at least, I hope so. It is too risky to mention the address now with Alison in the room with me. As much as it hurts me to do this, I need to go along with whatever she already believes.
‘You know, I’ve blamed myself all these years, Alison. For all of it. What happened to Zach and what happened to Josie.’
‘Is that right?’
I look her directly in the eye: it’s the best way to convince someone you are telling the truth. ‘Yes. The truth is, if I’d been a better wife then maybe none of it would have happened. He wouldn’t have had space in his life for Josie. Whether or not anything physical happened between them, there’s no disputing he had feelings for her. And that’s what I blame myself for.’
Alison stares at me. ‘Well, this is interesting. Carry on.’
My heart pounds heavily in my chest. ‘I probably expected too much from him. From our life. I always strove for perfection but that must have been exhausting for him. I mean, I know it was. He said as much. Not in a nasty way, but still. It was there between us.’
With the words catching in my throat, I tell Alison how I pushed Zach to have a baby when he probably wasn’t quite ready. ‘He was trying to write his novel and I just thought he’d be able to do it easily, even with a newborn in the house. It never occurred to me that he’d struggle, because I didn’t. I just got on with it.’
Alison utters a contemptuous laugh. ‘Well, of course Little Miss Perfect can cope with anything.’
‘No, you’ve got me wrong. I don’t think I’m perfect. Clearly I’m not. Because I lost my husband, my little girl’s father. She was only two at the time, Alison.’
She nods, and just for a second it’s easy to forget the situation we’re in. We could just be two friends discussing my grief. ‘Poor thing. That must have been hard for you, but I’m sure you coped. You always do, don’t you?’
It’s becoming clear that Alison’s not going to make this easy for me. She’s determined to force the blame on someone, even if the pieces of the jigsaw don’t fit. Could never fit.
‘I just did the best I could in a bad situation. That’s what I always try to do, Alison.’
‘Well, it’s not always that easy for other people, Mia. We’re not all as perfect as you. I’m not. Josie certainly wasn’t.’
I ignore her jibe. ‘Why do you want justice for Josie? You hated the girl. Why have you spent five years obsessing over this?’ Nothing I’m saying is what any counsellor should say, but we’re beyond that now.
‘Ha! Obsession? Is that what you think this is? Well, if that’s what you want to label it then it doesn’t matter. But this is not about obsession, Mia. Like I said, this is about putting things right. I spent so much time hating her when I should have been there for her. She wasn’t a bad person, and I should have taken the time to get to know her. Well, I left it too late then, but now she’s gone I have to try and make amends.’
Make amends for killing her. Anxiety is overwhelming me now. The longer I sit here, the more I know Alison’s not going to let me leave this flat in anything but a body bag. I can only pray that Will has heard every word and called the police. But time seems to have slowed down, and it’s an effort to keep her talking. She will see through me soon enough, I’m sure.
‘Alison, you said earlier you didn’t think there was anything going on between them, so what do you think he was doing in the flat that night? It was late, wasn’t it? Way past ten o’clock.’ I need to catch her out, get her to say something that will incriminate her.
‘Everyone thinks she must have been blackmailing him. Threatening to report their affair and tell you about it. Zach’s family and his job were both important to him, weren’t they, Mia? Important enough that he’d do anything to protect those things.’
This is exactly how the media reported it. That Zach must have carefully planned to kill Josie, initially with the drugs he used on himself, but somehow that didn’t work and so he stabbed her instead, and hid her body somewhere. Afterwards he panicked and took his own life with the poison he’d intended to use on her.
‘Where do you think her body is, Alison? What would Zach have done with it?’
‘I have no idea, Mia. And I don’t know why he came back here afterwards to end his own life. Maybe he came back to clean things up but then it all got too much for him. Because he wasn’t an evil man, was he, Mia? Despite it all.’
There are tears in my eyes now but I force them back.
But not before Alison notices. ‘Who are those tears for, Mia? For Zach? For Josie? For yourself?’
‘For all of us, Alison. Because it was all just a terrible mess. But you don’t need to keep living like this, you can be free of it all.’
‘Free
of what? And what am I living like?’
‘Out for revenge – on me, because Zach’s not here for you to take things out on. Five years is a long time to have lived your life for this… cause.’
‘Are you trying to counsel me, Mia? I think it’s a bit too late for that so maybe you should save your breath.’ She stands up and leans over me. ‘Actually, before you shut up you can—’
A loud crash silences us both and it takes me a moment to realise it’s the front door being forced open. The police have come. I am safe, and they will take Alison away and lock her up.
Two officers appear in the doorway, and I’m surprised to see they’re both armed. They must have wondered what they would be walking into. I don’t even hear what they say – I’m too numb, the fear I’ve kept at bay since I stepped inside this flat suddenly paralysing me, even though I’m safe now.
All I know is that they’re talking to Alison, and then she is screaming at them. ‘Wait, you’ve got it all wrong!’ She squirms and wriggles, trying to break free from the officer who has gripped her arm, but she has no chance against him.
‘Tell them, Mia, tell them the truth—’
They haul her out of the flat before she can say any more.
That’s all I hear before I sink to the floor and let out the flood of tears I’ve been holding back.
‘Are you okay, miss?’ the other officer asks.
‘I will be,’ I manage to say. ‘I think I will be now.’
Chapter Thirty-Four
Josie
* * *
I’m in a bar and I have no idea where it is. I only know I must have walked here. But who cares? It’s so crowded there’s barely even any standing room. But this suits me fine. I don’t want to be noticed, I don’t want any dirty old men perving over me, offering to buy me drinks with smug smiles on their faces because they’ll think it entitles them to something else.
All I need is more drink. But as I walk to the bar something doesn’t feel right and I can’t think what it is. All I know is that everything in my life is wrong. And I’ve done something terrible. I just don’t know what.
‘What can I get you?’ one of the bartenders asks. He doesn’t even apologise for me having to wait so long to be served, and he barely looks at me. To him I’m just another irrelevant face.
‘A Bloody Mary,’ I say, trying not to slur my words.
He heads off to make it and I lean on the bar to wait. When he comes back he places my drink in front of me and mumbles something I assume is the price. I reach for my bag then realise I don’t have it. I check my pockets but there’s no money, only my mobile, which from the blank screen I assume has a dead battery.
‘Oh, sorry. Left my purse. Be back in a sec.’ I rush from the bar and get swallowed up by the crowd. I don’t even care if the barman sees me leave through the front door and thinks I’m some lowlife. Maybe that’s exactly what I am.
When I get outside I realise I haven’t walked that far after all. I’m on Ealing Broadway, only about half an hour from the flat – I just need to get home. It only occurs to me when I’m standing outside my front door that I don’t have my keys. I must have dropped them somewhere. ‘Damn it!’ I scream into the night. ‘Shit!’
I fall back against the door, preparing myself to sleep on the doorstep until I can call the landlord in the morning, but instead of it catching my fall, I am toppling into the flat. I must have left it open, which is no surprise given the state I’m in, but thank God I did.
Inside, I debate whether to grab my purse and go back to the bar, but I can’t even remember where I left it. I stumble into the front room and somehow Zach is there, lying asleep on the sofa. What is he doing here? He must have come to see me and fallen asleep waiting because I’ve taken so long to get home.
I crouch down beside him, nestling my head against him. He doesn’t move. ‘Hey, Zach,’ I say. ‘I’m back. What are you doing here?’ I shake him and he still doesn’t move.
That’s when I peer closely at his face and start to scream even before I fully register what’s happening. Zach is not asleep. He’s dead.
What have I done? What the fuck have I done?
Chapter Thirty-Five
Two months later
Mia
* * *
I sit on the balcony and watch Freya and Will playing football on the beach below. Her sun hat is too large for her and keeps falling off, but each time it does, Will picks it up again and places it back on her head.
This place is a paradise, and it’s impossible to feel anything other than calm here, with miles of sandy beaches stretching in both directions, and the sea clean and warm. We couldn’t be further from London, physically and metaphorically.
It was Will’s idea to come to the Maldives. We needed to get away, he’d said. Far away. He knew exactly what I needed: distance from Alison and everything that went before. So now I sit here with a cocktail in my hand and my feet up on the opposite chair, warming my skin in the sun.
For years I couldn’t let myself think about the night Zach died; it was too painful, and reliving it would only cause even more of me to crumble away, to die inside, but now, in this beautiful place, I will allow myself to think of it. This will be a final goodbye to Zach, before I start my new life with Will.
Zach and I had always been close. He used to tell me I completed him, that he couldn’t imagine existing without me, and then we’d laugh about it because it sounded like something from a soppy romance novel. But he meant it, and I felt the same way. I let myself go with Zach in a way that I never had with anyone else. In my previous relationships I had always kept people at a distance. Not because I’d been badly hurt before, but because I didn’t believe in them. But then Zach appeared and I fell hard. He might not have realised how hard, of course, because I’m too controlled to let emotions get the better of me, but I knew I was in deep.
And that was fine. For a long time, everything was perfect.
But then something changed. It wasn’t noticeable at first, so I can’t pinpoint exactly when it happened, but slowly Zach became more distant. I assumed it was because he was struggling with his novel, but he’d been working on it as long as I’d known him, so I wasn’t completely convinced it was that. Then I thought it must be because of Freya; Zach adored her but he couldn’t quite juggle parenthood and the rest of his life the way I could.
He never said this to me but I could tell he was simply going through the motions on autopilot, just trying to get through each day. I tried to make things easier for him; I made sure I took Freya out for hours every day so that he would have time to himself, time to harness his creativity. I did all the cooking and housework, but it made little difference. Zach continued slipping away from me.
I’d never been a jealous or insecure person. I always believed that if someone doesn’t love you any more then you have to let them go, let them be free. At least that’s what I thought I believed, until I convinced myself that Zach was having an affair. Then suddenly there was everything to fight for. And I’m nothing if not a fighter. I couldn’t let Freya lose her dad, not when I knew in my heart he still loved me; I had to find out what was going on.
The first time I saw Josie she was sitting in the park with him. I’d decided to surprise him and turned up unexpectedly at the university with something nice for his lunch. I convinced myself I was doing this as a thoughtful gesture, but the truth was I wanted to check up on him. Be careful what you wish for. They weren’t doing anything, or even sitting too closely together on that bench, but I knew something wasn’t right.
It wasn’t the way she was staring at him, her eyes full of adulation – I was used to Zach’s students idolising him. It was the expression on his face that gave it away. I hadn’t seen him look that calm, that at peace, for a long time. It reminded me of when we first met, how I was his whole world and nothing else seemed to exist.
This terrified me as much as if the two of them had been kissing. I don’t remember exactl
y how long I watched them for, but when I headed back home I felt dead inside. But I didn’t have the proof I’d need to confront him, and I wasn’t about to hysterically accuse him, like an out-of-control, irrational woman – I was stronger than that. I would get my evidence.
It was all I could think about while I sat trying to entertain Freya, to give my little girl the attention she needed and deserved. But I was so numb that I just couldn’t be mentally present in the room with her.
For days I checked Zach’s phone. But there was never anything that looked suspicious. Of course there wasn’t – he was too clever to leave a trail. This made me feel even worse, as if he was betraying me even more by hiding his tracks so well.
And then, weeks later, there was a text message from someone called Josie. I still remember the words. Finished now. Just wondering where you are? Yes, those two sentences could have been harmless, but Zach had never mentioned anyone called Josie before and I was sure he didn’t normally keep any students’ numbers in his phone.
So I did some investigating. I went through all Zach’s paperwork and found class lists of all his students with photos below their names. There were hundreds of them, and it took me ages to find her, but suddenly there she was, staring at me with a confident, pretty smile on her face. Josie Carpenter. The girl I had seen in the park.
But this still wasn’t enough evidence, so I started following him, whenever I had a free moment. I was lucky that Graham and Pam always watched Freya, and they never asked too many questions. They were only too happy to spend time with their granddaughter.
I thought I couldn’t feel any worse – and then I saw Zach go into her flat. He wasn’t there for long, but it was long enough for what I knew they must be doing in there. Of course I couldn’t see, but that just made things worse. My imagination conjured up the two of them together, Josie’s hands all over my husband.
Silent Lies: A gripping psychological thriller Page 26