“I don’t like this one bit,” he repeated.
“If you don’t mind, I’m going to say goodbye to Tess and your wife.”
He watched me as I said goodbye to Sadie, his wife.
“I’ll have a list of things to bring along on the road trip,” she said. “She needs nourishment, even when she pretends she doesn’t.”
“Thanks, I appreciate it.” I nodded at her. “Where’s Tess?”
“Upstairs with Aubrey,” she said with a smile. “Don’t stay long. Kieran likes to tell his Dad everything.”
“He’s not a fan, is he?”
“Nope, you’re getting too close to his little girl.” She grinned. “I’m just having fun while I watch him though. But really, be careful with our Tess.”
I nodded and went upstairs to check on Tess. She cradled Aubrey and sang to her while walking her around the room. Tess loved her siblings fiercely and cared for them as if they were her own.
“Hey,” she whispered when she spotted me leaning against the door frame.
“I thought you were either gone or dad had buried you under the greenhouse.” She smirked at her own joke.
I shook my head. “Nah, I think he’s saving that for later. It’s too soon. Maybe after I make him a lot of money.”
Tess rolled her eyes.
“You’re beautiful,” I said crossing my arms and wishing for many things I never knew I wanted.
“Those eyes are filled with desire, but also tenderness,” she commented. “What are you thinking, Rodin?”
“Still planning,” I said vaguely.
It’d be crazy to tell her that someday I wanted to make her my wife and start a family together. Suddenly, I froze. Sure, I’d made plans before, but they never felt like I needed them to complete me.
“Not to be rude, but you have to go home Gage,” she said, sucking on her bottom lip. “See you tomorrow?”
Taking a deep breath, I walked to her and kissed her lightly. “I’ll drop by the flower shop after nine, my little narwhal.”
Seventeen
Tess
After Gage left, I made my way to Kieran’s room where he and Hannah were hanging out.
“You’re staying home?” Hannah looked at me sideways while she helped Kieran color.
They were creating an entire zoo. Sadie had covered one of his bedroom walls with paper so he could spend hours coloring.
“Dad’s freaking out,” I told her, grabbing a blue crayon. “Can I build a penguin exhibit around here?”
Kieran stared at me and then at the empty space. He shook his head. “That’s where the narwhals go. You should draw them before you go back to college.”
“He’s mad at you,” Hannah told me.
“I can’t help it, Buddy.”
“Will you come visit me?”
“As much as possible, and you can call me at any time,” I reminded him.
We spent hours on the phone every Sunday. I never missed a call when it was time to go to bed. I adored him. He was born during my darkest times. When I first found out about him, I wanted to hate him because his existence would hurt my mother. She was obsessed with getting back with Dad. But as soon as I met Kieran I wanted to hold him tight forever. He was so tiny and had tubes all over him. I was so afraid that he’d die…or that his mom would. Sadie was in a coma after his birth and I couldn’t bear the thought of losing her.
From the moment I saw him I couldn’t get enough of him. I held him and fed him while I sang to him. The day I decided to study at San Diego was the hardest. It meant leaving my family behind. But it was the right thing for me to do. I couldn’t continue living in a place where everyone saw me as a commodity.
“He’s also mad because you’re spending a lot of time with Gage,” Hannah continued.
“Too much time,” Kieran agreed. “You promised to be with me until next Thursday.”
“Tomorrow, I’ll pick you up from school, and we’ll spend the rest of the afternoon together,” I promised.
He glared at me the same way Dad did when he wasn’t happy. “Okay,” he said. “Without Gage.”
Hannah chuckled, and I just nodded in agreement. We colored for another hour until it was time for him to go to bed, then helped Kieran brush his teeth. I read him, If You Give A Mouse A Cookie, and he fell asleep before the end. I turned off his light, and we left the room.
“Do you want to hang out in my room?”
“After we raid the kitchen,” Hannah said, rushing down the stairs. “Sadie made cookies.”
“What kind?” I asked excitedly.
Sadie made the best cookies in the world, sugar cookies, chocolate chunk, and snickerdoodles—we loved it when she baked.
“Snickerdoodles. Grandpa wanted some and Kieran seconded the motion.”
“Of course they did.” I smiled while setting the kettle for our tea. “Those two love cookies. Did Grandpa say anything after I left?”
“I don’t like that man. He’s too old for her,” Hannah mocked our grandfather’s voice. “Sadie assured him that he’s a nice guy. What’s the story though?”
“Story?”
“You went to meet the parents,” she said. “I assume it didn’t go well from the scrunched up face you’re making.”
“We aren’t going,” I said turning off the whistling kettle. “What kind of tea would you like?”
“Your choice. I’m up for anything.”
I prepared chamomile-peach tea. It was one of my favorite mixes. Sadie made tea with herbs and fruits from our own garden.
“What do you mean, you aren’t going?”
Silently, I prepared a tray and set up what we needed. I grabbed some chocolates while Hannah made sure we had enough cookies.
“Ice cream?” she asked.
“What do we have?”
“I made chocolate chip last night.”
“You didn’t go out?” I felt guilty because we were supposed to do something together.
“It’s fine.”
“Why didn’t you say something?”
“You seem to like him,” she said, while we climbed the stairs. “Things are about to change for him, and you two need to have some alone time.”
“You always come first,” I reminded her.
Hannah was four years younger than me, and I always tried to look out for her. When I was younger, there were times when it seemed like I hated her, but I didn’t.
“It’s okay. I spent my Saturday with Dad and Sadie. He helped me with the ice cream.”
Once we set up our tray on my desk, she flopped herself on my bed and asked, “What happened with Gage’s family?”
“I convinced him to postpone the introductions,” I sighed with relief. “What if they don’t like me?”
“They would. You’re pretty nice with strangers,” she grinned. “What were you expecting me to say? That you’re a saint?”
She laughed for a long time. “No way. You’re human, and that’s fine. You don’t have to be all nice and good. At least you’re not mean like you used to be.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Hey, I get it. Mom made you miserable. I was there. I heard her manipulate you and threaten you if you refused to do what she said.”
“Has she called you?” I asked, trying to stay calm.
My heart raced as I waited for her answer. Mom never gave up easily. Once she had an idea, she worked hard to make it happen. Her goal was to keep Hannah at home so she could claim child support. I wouldn’t let that happen. I’d transfer schools or take a year or two off to ensure Hannah’s emotional safety.
“Nope,” Hannah said indifferently. “There’s no way she can find Hannah Bell at any school.”
“You switched your name legally?”
She shook her head. “No, it’s just an alias for now, but I might do it when I turn eighteen. Sadie doesn’t mind me using her maiden name. You should try it. People don’t look at me like I’m the daughter of Kaden Hades. I’m just Hannah.”
“What else is going on with Alicia?”
“I heard them talking. Sadie and Dad. She’s in jail for endangering a minor—me. And all the threats she made.” She then smirked. “Oh and for hitting my teacher too. Dad’s going to scare her with a civil lawsuit but drop it if she signs a contract promising to keep her distance. There were fancy terms and language involved. Oh, but you know that’s all that I heard.”
“I assume they don’t know you overheard them.”
She rolled her eyes and nodded. “You know Mom and Dad, they want to make sure we don’t know how much they hate Alicia or how many times she gets locked up. Because after all, she is our mother.”
“Did you just call Sadie Mom?”
“Sorry, it slips.”
“I wish she were our mom,” I confessed.
“Me too,” she pouted.
“Enough about sad things. Tell me something good. How’s the new school?”
“Like every other school in the world. A building, it has classrooms, desks, and seats. Annoying teachers, nice teachers, and in between. You should tell me about Gage. Have you had sex with him yet?”
“How did we go from psycho mom to my sex life?”
“Don’t change the subject and tell me. Was it good?”
“It hasn’t happened yet,” I confessed. “I feel like I’m not ready for that step, which is weird.”
“You’re in love.” She sang the words.
“I’m not,” I darted back.
“Of course you are, Tess,” she insisted. “Any other guy and you wouldn’t care. You slept with cheating asshat the night after you met.”
“It seemed right at the time.”
“Do you regret it?”
I shrugged not knowing how to answer her question. The relationship was good while it lasted. Though, I hated he made me the other woman, I cared about him. Not love, but I cared enough for it to hurt me.
“That’s why I’m going to wait until I’m in love. It sounds cheesy, but I want to make sure he’s the one.”
“Wanting to wait doesn’t make him the one.”
“I want to wait for the love of my life,” she explained. “I think Gage is that for you.”
“God, no,” I said afraid. “He’s about to become a huge celebrity and what will happen to me. I’ll become just like our mother?”
“Oh, Tessy, don’t think that way.”
I already did. I didn’t want to end up knocked up at twenty by a guy who’d decide I wasn’t enough for him.
“You’re not Alicia,” Hannah said. “You are so afraid of rejection that you push away anyone you have feelings for. You’ll stay lonely unless you learn to trust others.”
“Don’t start psychoanalyzing me, Hannah,” I warned her, hating that she was right.
“Have you been seeing your therapist?”
“Yeah, I’ve been Skyping with her every week,” I told her, thankful that she stopped. “Maybe I should tell her about Gage.”
“Be careful, Tessy. I’ll be here. You’re my person too.”
I closed my eyes and tried to think of what I’d say during my session. There’s this guy I met not long ago who already makes me feel like I belong somewhere—with him. He made me believe in myself and realize that my goals and my future are worth something. That nothing is impossible as long as I trust myself and keep working hard.
Gage Rodin scared me because I couldn’t hide my feelings from him. He made me feel alive, and my emotions about everything in my life intensified. We were connected by a fiery energy that seemed to emanate from our souls. I loved the way I burned when he kissed me as much as I hated what I knew his departure would do to me.
I fought the attraction and my emotions because I knew that once he left, my heart would die.
Eighteen
Tess
“I’m not sure about this,” Dad complained for the millionth time.
“You’d rather have me drive alone?” I tilted my head and waited for him to answer.
He hated the idea of me leaving. Going away with Gage just made it even harder.
“No, but do you have to drive with him?”
“Dad, chill. He’s just—”
He pointed his index finger at me and growled. “If you tell me that Rodin’s just your friend, I call bullshit.”
“Leave her alone, Hades,” Sadie stopped him. “She’s old enough to drive from Seattle to San Diego, you said so yourself. She’s also smart enough to invite a friend, so she doesn’t have to do it alone.”
“He’s not a friend,” Dad protested.
“Are you two friends or is he your boyfriend?” Sadie asked.
“Gage is not my boyfriend,” I said. Yet.
“She’s old enough to know better, Hades. He’s a nice guy who happens to like her.”
“Have you seen the way he kisses her? Friends don’t kiss friends.” He ran both hands through his messy hair. “For fuck's sake, she’s been staying with him almost every night.”
Sadie laughed out loud. “Oh, I wish I had a time machine. I’d record you now and show this rant to your younger self.”
“Do not start with me, Hummingbird,” he said, giving her a glare but also a sweet smile.
“Just so you know, Dad, nothing has happened between us,” I said.
“But if anything does happen, don’t forget about protection. You’re still taking the pill?” Sadie asked like the mother hen she was.
Dad covered his ears and began singing; Sadie started to laugh, and I joined her. Dad gave me the sex talk first when I was twelve, again at thirteen, then again at sixteen, and once more before I went away to college. Thank God, Sadie gave me a less tongue-tied talk when I turned eighteen.
“Ready?” Gage, who had been loading my car with all my stuff, joined us.
“No drinking, no speeding, no touching, and definitely no kissing,” Dad warned him.
“Love you, Dad.”
“Take care, sweetheart. Call us if you need us,” Sadie said, giving me a tight hug.
“Say goodbye to Hannah, Aubrey, and Kieran. I promise to call when they wake up.”
“I’ll text you when they’re up, no worries. I’m going to miss you.”
Then, she handed a bag to Gage. “There are sandwiches in there and coconut water. Make sure she eats some breakfast or she’ll bite your head off before you reach Tacoma.”
“I have that covered,” Gage said.
“There’s a restaurant in Eugene, Oregon called Lotus Garden,” she continued. “It’s her favorite. You might want to stop there for lunch. There are granola bars and snacks for both days. Nothing needs to be refrigerated.”
“I’ll miss you, Sadie.” I hugged her again because she mothered me almost the same way she did with her little ones. “Thank you for everything.”
“I’ll miss you too, Tess.”
“Bye, Daddy,” I said, hugging my dad who was close to tears. Just the same way he was when he dropped me off the first time at the dorm. “I love you.”
“I love you too, sweetheart. Be safe, that’s all I want for you. To be happy and safe.”
“I know,” I said, hugging him tighter. “You’re the best dad ever.”
He kissed the top of my head and helped me into the car. Saying goodbye was always bittersweet. I was excited about school, but I hated to leave them behind.
* * *
“What’s the deal with you and your stepmom?” Gage asked as he pulled away from the driveway.
“We get along pretty well.”
“It’s like you see her as your mother. You love her like one, but there’s a wall between you that you can’t demolish.” He nailed our relationship in just a couple of sentences.
“It’s complicated.”
“It’s only as complicated as you want to make it,” he counteracts.
“Psychoanalyzing the situation?”
“Just calling them as I see them.”
“Maybe someday,” I said choosing my words. He always m
ade me share more than I wanted, yet, I felt free when I did it. “It’s a slow process. Remember what I told you about the suicide attempt?”
“Taking those pills?” He said it casually, but maybe cautiously too.
Did he fear I was still suicidal like Dad had for a long time? I never meant to hurt myself. I just wanted to make my mother happy even if I was paying a high price for it.
“Yes, that day Mom won. Dad broke up with Sadie, and a few months later she was in a horrible car accident. She almost died, and so did Kieran.” I broke into a cold sweat remembering that morning when we got the news.
Kaden Hades killed his fiancée in a tragic accident. That’s what the headlines said. Hannah was beside herself when she found out, believing the baby Sadie was expecting wasn’t going to make it. I hated myself more than I already did. Dad was broken. Mom treated us horribly because we couldn’t bring our parents together. And then, she left us with her parents while she traveled all around Europe.
The worst part was finding out that Sadie had been in an accident because of my stupidity.
“If I hadn’t done it, they’d have gone away for their honeymoon.”
“You think it’s your fault?” He turned to look at me for a beat and then set his eyes back on the road.
“I’m trying not to,” I said in a clipped tone.
No one would ever understand the fear that overtook me when I saw Sadie in the hospital. When my mother told me that she was brain dead and would never wake up. I had no idea what would happen to my dad or Kieran.
“It’s in the past, and you have to forgive yourself,” he said gently.
“I’m working on it. That’s why I talk to a therapist every week. But let’s move past my personal drama.”
I opened my tote bag and pulled out my stuff.
“What’s that blanket for?” he asked.
“I’m taking a nap. You woke me up at four in the morning,” I reminded him.
“You’re my copilot,” he said with a serious tone.
“We can talk about it around eight,” I fluffed my pillow.
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