Another wave of sadness hit me right in the heart, and I wept for a long time. “I can’t believe he destroyed everything. He broke us. I hope it was worth it.”
“We’re human, and we make mistakes,” she explained. Sadie liked to study human behavior and always had an explanation for why we did things. “Sometimes we break patterns and take another road because it seems the best at that moment. You won’t know what happened until he gives you a real explanation.”
“He only said, ‘it’s complicated.’ From what I understood, he wanted me to live with what he told me, and didn’t even mention what would happen with his baby mama.”
“He wants you in his life?”
“Yeah,” I answered, using the sleeve of my long shirt to clean the tears. “But maybe just as a friend. He didn’t even ask me if I’d take him and the baby.”
“Would you forgive him and accept the baby?”
I glanced at her and asked. “What would you do if Dad had cheated?”
“Cheating is such an abstract concept. It depends on the circumstances, the person. I can’t say what I’d do if I were in your shoes. Forgiving him doesn’t make you weak, or strong. It makes you … human.”
“I tried to hate her,” I confessed.
“Who?” Sadie frowned, confused.
“Jojo, his baby,” I responded. “I couldn’t, I just can’t. It’s like …”
“She’s a part of him and that makes you love her.” Sadie answered almost the same way I did when I saw Jojo’s picture.
“Yeah, how did you know?”
“It happened to me twice,” she paused and smiled at me. “Not the hate part but falling in love with a kid. Feeling like they belong to you as if they were your own. One day, your dad brought Hannah to the flower shop. Alicia had just told her that she wouldn’t have a party because no one wanted to go.”
I remembered that. Hannah was so sad. Mom told me it was her punishment for being useless. I called Dad and told him what had happened, but twisted the truth so Mom wouldn’t punish me for ratting her out. I didn’t like it when she made Hannah cry.
“Anyway, the moment I saw her, she felt like a little gift. She was mine to protect. I made sure she had the biggest party and that she enjoyed every second of it.” Sadie grabbed my hands and said, “Then, there was you. My moody teenager.”
“You must have hated me,” I guessed.
She laughed and shook her head. “No, I loved you even when you spat fire when we approached you. I was scared that you’d never like me. I tried so hard to help you and to show you that you mattered to me. That I saw you.”
“I wish I had been different with you,” I confessed, almost in tears.
“We’re past that point, sweetheart. It’s been almost ten years, and look at us. We’re a family. That’s all that matters.”
“I wish I was your daughter,” I admitted.
“You’re mine just as much as Aubrey and Kieran are. I love you and Hannah the same way.”
“Yeah, but you’re Sadie, not Mom.”
“You can call me Mom, Sadie, or whatever you want. I treat you like I treat my other children. I love you the same way, and I try to be there when your heart is breaking or it seems like the world is coming to an end.”
The tears just kept rolling. The sadness didn’t go away, but I felt a little peace and warmth knowing that I had Sadie in my life forever.
“What am I going to do, Mom?” I tried to clean my tears. “Do I let him go?”
“Are you ready?”
“Ready for what?
“Motherhood,” she responds. “Because no matter what, if you’re with him you’ll have the responsibility of his child in your hands. You’d have to accept that some days they might let you be a part of the decisions while others you’re going to be an outsider.”
“What if he doesn’t want to include me?”
“Give yourself time and think about yourself too. Use your head, because if you don’t, your heart will be the one that will end up hurt.”
Thirty-Two
Tess
Sadie stayed with me for a couple of weeks, making sure I ate, went to school, and had someone to talk to when I felt lost. Losing Gage brought us closer. It felt natural to call her mom and to let her into my crazy mind. We talked about my conversations with Gage for hours. In the end, I realized that I was too broken to continue a relationship where I wasn’t even given options. He didn’t contact me, and I decided to send him a letter.
A week later, he sent me one too with a picture of him and Jojo.
Tess,
I’m sorry for so many things. It’s a cliché to begin this letter with an apology. There are too many things that I have to apologize for. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be the last person to kiss you. I’m sorry for not being the last guy to hold you at night before you go to sleep. I’m sorry that I won’t be the one to keep your heart. I love you, and because of that, I’ll accept your letter without a fight. I love you enough to let you go. I’m happy to know that you love yourself enough to realize that we wouldn’t work out.
You’re special. Stop hiding from yourself. You’re beautiful from the inside out. Let everyone know the real you. If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a million times. Your flaws are what make you so beautiful. I love you because of them.
I’m scared of the future because I’m going to have to live it without you. It’s hard to take one breath after another, knowing that you’ll never be by my side. I’ve seen people crash and burn because of love. I’ll try not to be one of those. Love is so complicated and yet simple.
I never thought I’d say goodbye. That our love would end so abruptly. It’s okay because I know that some feelings never leave us, even when people do. You’re everything that I ever wanted and much more. I never thought love could be this powerful. I’ll carry it with me, in my heart. Your name will be forever branded in my soul. I’ll carry our memories like a second skin.
One day I know you’ll forget about who we were and what we shared. Maybe, one day, you’ll understand why this happened and you’ll forgive me. There are a lot of theories about love. There are so many kinds. Ours was special, dangerous, and intense. It wasn’t the forever kind, but I hope you find that kind soon. The kind of love with letters, laughter, and family. I wish I could’ve given you that.
I leave you here, hoping that when you write your story, it’s full of happiness and magical dreams.
Love you forever,
Gage
Thirty-Three
Gage
Seattle’s cold during April. I rub my arm with my free hand before unlocking the door to my house. The change in temperature from California to Washington State is too abrupt. I should know better. Forgetting my jacket is my own fucking fault though.
When I enter, I spot Em. Her beautiful mouth draws into a smile when she sees me. Her brown eyes are warm and welcoming.
“Hey, stranger. You’re home,” she greets me.
“Hello,” I step inside giving her a hug and a kiss on the forehead. “It’s good to be home.”
I run a hand through my hair taking a deep breath while scanning the house. It looks clean.
“What happened to the big party?”
“It ended a couple of hours ago. The party service always leaves everything clean and neat.” She looks around. “Cleaner than it was before the party. Jojo’s playing with her toys. What’s that big surprise you have for her?”
As I’m about to tell her that I had to cancel it, I hear her little voice booming through the house.
“Daddy!”
A few seconds later I see my little tornado, charging toward me with open arms. She’s wearing a princess dress and her corkscrewed shaped locks bounce with every step she takes.
“Do you like my hair? Grandma burnt it with the twirly thing to make the curls pretty.”
I frown because it doesn’t make sense. Her hair’s already curly.
“Mom thought it’d be nice to u
se the curling iron to make them prettier.”
“Happy birthday, pumpkin,” I say, grabbing her by her tiny waist and twirling her around the foyer. “You look so much older, like a thirty-year-old woman or something like that. Maybe you could drive me now that I’m getting old.”
“Silly, Dad,” she laughs, hugging my neck. “I’m still five, and I only turn six tomorrow.”
“Six, huh?” I tilt my head and smile. “Well then, I think we have to have a big celebration.”
“I already had my party,” she says, showing me a bracelet with a whale-like creature with a horn charm. “Look what I got.”
“That’s pretty, what is it?”
“A northwhale unicorn,” she says, smiling.
“Narwhal,” I correct her and set her down.
She runs to her room without saying a word.
I look at Em who shrugs. “It was by the door earlier today. The note’s on top of the table. It says ‘Happy birthday. Have a magical year.’ No one signed it though.”
I had a hunch who sent it. The same person who leaves a different present every year on Jojo’s birthday and on Christmas Eve. Jojo believes that Santa has her on a special list because she receives an extra present every year.
“How was the party?”
“Great. Mrs. Bell never fails to make it perfect for her. Jojo’s super tired, she might fall asleep before bedtime. I just don’t get why you avoid the party?”
“I’m glad it all went well.” I don’t answer her question because it’s too complicated.
Nor do I ask how Sadie is doing. After Jojo came into my life, the Hades family became a thing of the past. Kaden’s polite when we meet at an event. Sadie is all business when I go into her store to schedule Jojo’s next party. I miss them. We shared too much as a family, and overnight, we became strangers.
“Well, it’s time for me to go,” she says, picking up her purse. “Don’t forget that I’m going out of town tomorrow. I have a conference, and then I’m going on vacation, courtesy of my sweet big brother.”
“Thank you. I’ll keep that in mind.”
* * *
It’s almost nine o’clock at night, and my little pumpkin’s still jumping around the house. She has too much energy. So much for it being the day of the party.
“Jojo, it’s time for bed, sweetheart,” I order as I’m picking up her toys. “Help me pick up, young lady.”
“If I do, will you tell me a story?” She starts negotiating but begins to put her things away.
“We can read any of your books,” I say since I’m not in the mood to be creative today.
“Tess and George, the fastest turtle in the world?”
I take a deep breath and chide myself silently. Why did I start making up stories about Tess?
“Let me think about it, if not we’ll pick up a book, okay?”
I’m not in the mood to talk about Tess out loud. It’s been six years since the last time I kissed her, and the need to have her by my side has only increased as the days pass.
“Daddy, do you have a girlfriend?”
“Nah, I don’t have time for that.”
“Because you’re busy with your music.”
“I’m busy being a dad and playing music.”
“One day I’ll be old, and you won’t have me around. Maybe you should find someone.”
“Oh boy, where did that come from?” I grunt.
“Grandma told that to Em. She said that you always looked too sad and aunt Em said that you needed a girlfriend.”
“Is that so?”
I needed to have a chat with Mom. She’s always talking too much in front of Jojo. She complains that I barely tell her things, but there’s a reason why I don’t trust her.
Jojo flies away from her room, and a few moments later she comes back with one of her favorite pictures.
“I know what I want for my birthday.”
My heart beats fast. I regret not putting Tess’s stuff away when I brought Jojo back to Seattle. It was just too hard to rip her out of my life and then empty our closet and get rid of her things. It’s like she’s still a part of me.
“Take me to the beach to meet Tess.”
“Maybe one day, sweetheart.”
“Has she saved any turtles lately?”
“I’m pretty sure she has.”
“Can I talk to her on the phone the way we do when you’re on tour?”
“I thought we were talking about something else.”
“Right, we’re going to find you a girlfriend. Em says we can pick you one from your fans.”
My sister needs to keep her mouth shut when she’s around Jojo.
“So, you’re going to screen them for me?”
“Put the women on the television?” She frowns and crosses her little arms. “That’s silly, Daddy.”
“That’s not what I’m saying,” I chuckle. “Why don’t we google what that means?”
I pull my phone out and search for it.
“According to the Meridian-Webster dictionary, screen can also be: to check on or investigate someone, to see whether they’re suitable for a certain job. Would you like me to find the meaning for another word?”
I like to keep her mind busy while she learns. Discussing my ex-girlfriend or my next girlfriend isn’t exactly the conversation I want to have at the moment—or ever.
“Now google unicorn northwhales.”
“Narwhal,” I correct her.
Instead of googling it, I pull some images that I have on my phone and tell her everything I know about them while showing her pictures. Her eyes widen while she swipes her finger across the screen and looks at the next photograph.
“They’re never the same color?”
“They change color as they grow. Not like the chameleon that changes color depending on their environment.”
“I want to be a newborn, blue-gray. I wish they were purple. They should be in a zoo, where people could touch them. Can we have a zoo?” She talks a mile a minute, and I can’t keep up with the answers.
“Every animal should be free to live in their natural habitat unless you’re trying to help the creature because it’s sick.”
“Like that place in Orca Island that helps the killer whales?”
“Yes, exactly like that.”
“You need a lady that likes kids and animals,” Jojo concludes.
“Is that so?”
She nods and shows me Tess’s picture. “Maybe her?”
“Let’s go to bed, sweetheart. Tess is just a good friend,” I say to her or maybe to myself.
But who the fuck am I kidding? She’s not my friend at all for that matter. She’s the most painful, beautiful memory I carry in my heart.
“I just want a mommy, and for you to be happy,” she says with a small voice, and she breaks me even more than I already am.
These days are dreadfully complicated for me. Ambiguous. I love Jojo with all my heart, but I miss what Tess and I could’ve had. I hurt for what I can’t give to my little girl, but I try to be everything for her. Just as I swore I would the moment I saw her.
“Time for bed,” I insisted. “Tell me about the party while we find your pajamas and you brush your teeth.”
“I loved it. Mrs. Sadie made a huge unicorn out of balloons,” she says, stretching her hands to the side. “The cake was a Pegasus. They brought ponies, and I rode one. I want to ride ponies forever.”
“Of course you do, pumpkin.”
Jojo wants to do everything. Fortunately, it doesn’t take long for her to drop her ideas too. I never say no to her requests. I wait for her to find the next best thing. One day she’ll find her calling though. I just know it.
“I wish you had been with me at the party.” She pouts slightly, squeezing my heart.
If there’s one thing I hate, it’s to see her sad.
“Sorry. I had one last gig before the tour was over.”
“Grandma says that it was because of January’s storm.”
<
br /> “Exactly.”
I could’ve made it on time, but after the message I received last night, I wasn’t in the mood to celebrate with a bunch of strangers.
“We’ll celebrate tomorrow during your big day. There’ll be plenty of cake, candy, and maybe we can go to the place where they have bouncy castles.”
“You’re the best daddy ever,” she hugs me tight.
“Love you, pumpkin.”
I carry her back to her bedroom and set her on the bed.
“Where’s George?” Jojo starts looking around her bed.
I check under the bed, and I find the turtle pillow next to her other toys. So much for helping me pick up, I roll my eyes. The pillow belonged to Tess. One day, Jojo grabbed it and asked me his name. I answered George, and she asked if she could borrow it. Since then she never sleeps without him.
“One day I’m going to meet Tess and the real George,” Jojo says with conviction.
“Goodnight, Jojo.” I kiss her forehead.
“Night, Daddy.” She closes her eyes almost immediately.
Gage: Thank you for the present. She loved it.
Tess: I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about.
Gage: The narwhal, and maybe I should’ve thanked you for all the gifts you leave by the door on Christmas and her birthday.
Tess: Seemed like an appropriate present for a six-year-old. It’s a magical age and her golden birthday.
Gage: What’s a golden birthday?
Tess: It occurs when a person turns the age of the their birthdate.
Gage: Your golden birthday is next year.
Tess: Don’t remind me. I’m getting old.
Gage: Still as beautiful as you were when you were twenty.
Tess: Please, don’t start.
Gage: Can we talk?
Tess: Goodnight, Rodin.
Gage: Tess, talk to me, please. Jojo wants to meet you, and George.
Tess: Maybe in another lifetime.
Gage: I want to see you.
Tess: Why now? You’ve been doing so much better.
Gage: What are you talking about?
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