My One Despair

by Burgoa, Claudia

  Tess: You haven’t drunk dialed me in the middle of the night for over a year.

  I didn’t do it often, but there were nights after a concert when I drank too much and called her. Sometimes I wouldn’t say a word while others I told her how much I loved her.

  Gage: It’s hard to forget.

  Tess: Wish it hadn’t happened.

  Gage: Do you really?

  Tess: Do you think it’s easy to hold onto this empty space? It still hurts that you’re not with me. It hurts more to accept that I want you with me.

  Gage: Meet me.

  Tess: Do you regret what happened?

  Gage: You, never.

  Tess: Do you regret her?

  Gage: Never.

  Tess: Good answer. She’s lucky to have you. Take care of her.

  Thirty-Four

  Tess

  After I finished my PhD, I found myself wandering around the world. I traveled from one ecological disaster to another. Later, I set up an environmental consulting firm. My focus is to restore, plan, and design natural environments through sustainable solutions. But I also respond to environmental catastrophes when they happen. I help organize volunteers, gather financial resources, and give advice on how to clean up the area.

  With all the travel I do, I don’t stay put in one place for a long time. Some weeks I stay in San Diego and others I visit my parents. I don’t technically live with them. I use the tiny house that they set up for Hannah and me. My sister doesn’t live in Seattle either.

  The problem with staying so close to our parents is that when they visit, they knock on the door and enter without waiting for an answer.

  “You’re a ninja,” Mom says shutting the door quickly.

  I glance at George who was ready to make his way out of the house as soon as he saw it open. He likes to get lost around the garden and eat her plants. After a couple of years of chasing George and spending hours, if not days, searching for him because he discovered a cozy place with plenty of food and shelter—she now knows better. George is the fastest tortoise in the Northwest. Thankfully, Mom’s a little more mindful of the door—and her plants.

  “Are you talking to George or me?”

  “He’s one too. But I meant you. We didn’t see you arrive last night. I thought you were staying in Florida until we go to Disney World.”

  “I had a weird day and decided to come back home.” I went to the small kitchen and started the kettle. I need some tea. “Would you like something to drink?”

  “No, thank you. Why don’t you tell me about your weird day?”

  “If I say no, you’re going to park on my couch until I talk, aren’t you?”

  “Most likely, though I prefer if you do it now because I have to water the plants in the greenhouse and stop at the flower shop. Unless you want to join me while you think out loud.”

  This is why I snuck onto the property, so they wouldn’t notice me. Mom and Dad have a sixth sense that lets them know when their children are hiding something from them. Sadie doesn’t listen to my problems, she makes me process them and come up with solutions. Which in theory is a good thing. In practice, I’m not sure if I want to voice my thoughts and find answers. At least, not yet.

  “Where’s my favorite toddler?” I question, trying to buy myself some time to settle everything that’s going on inside my head.

  “Your dad took Grady to the flower shop.”

  I look at her and smile mischievously. “He’s about to turn four. Are you ready for kid number six?”

  She rolls her eyes. “Grady’s the last one.”

  “Then, maybe I should drive down to the flower shop and take him with me for a day of fun. I don’t want to miss his best years.”

  “Speaking of birthdays, do you want to see the pictures from yesterday’s party?” She throws the question and hits me right in the jugular.

  Before I decided to bleed in silence while I watch Jojo’s beautiful face smiling as she celebrated one of the worst weeks of my life, I unlock my phone and show her Gage’s last texts.

  “Is that why you’re back?” She frowns with her eyes fixated on the phone.

  “No. Maybe. Did I tell you about last week’s date?”

  “You went out on a date?”

  “God, don’t say it like it’s an eclipse.”

  “Eclipses are more common than you or Hannah daring to go out on dates,” she clarifies. “Not that I’m judging. It’s just a strange occurrence.”

  “It was a blind date. My assistant set me up.”

  “What happened?”

  “He’s okay, but there were no sparks or butterflies. It’s like I’m still numb from his call and his stupid letter. My mind or my soul are waiting for the guy Gage promised would arrive in my life to swoop me up and make me forget that we ever existed.”

  “Wait, what call and letter are we talking about?” She stared at me, and I could see the same confusion I was feeling in the pit of my gut.

  Hers was different of course. She didn’t get what I was saying. I couldn’t understand what I was feeling and thinking.

  “The last time I talked to Gage, almost six years ago. And his goodbye letter.”

  “Maybe you’re meeting the wrong guys,” she suggests.

  She has that right. After Gage, I dated assholes, and I used my best cold bitch persona while I was with them. After a couple of years of that, I was done with my stupid attitude and the dating scene.

  “I find guys attractive, but they just don’t do it for me.” Then, I give her a warning glare. “And before you make the same joke that Hannah did, women don’t do it for me either.”

  “I wasn’t going to say that, but that’s pretty funny.” She sighs, biting back a laugh. “God, I wish I could put my two girls in a bubble and keep them safe.”

  “We appreciate the sentiment,” I say.

  “So, what brought you home?”

  “A couple of nights ago, Gage donated some money—like he always does when there’s an emergency, and I needed it. And I just thought, fucking asshole. Stop it. Everywhere I turn, he’s there to remind that he once loved me. He’s taking care of me or singing shit for me.”

  “No offense, but how do you know it’s you he’s singing about.”

  “I just know. Let’s keep it at that.”

  “Okay, so we finally agree that you’re not over him.”

  I give her an exasperated glare. Why does she have to be right all the time?

  “It’s a work in progress.”

  “You know what I think, sweetheart. That he’s your soulmate and you guys got lost. He keeps singing to you hoping that you’ll find your way home.”

  “That’s not true. He has his own home with his soulmate. They even made a baby. He just doesn’t let me have my own happy ending.”

  “Do you think he’s happy?” She points at the phone. “I doubt it.”

  “Then what happened? Sometimes it feels as if he pushed me away.”

  “Maybe he did. If anything, by accepting to meet him, you might finally get some closure to this.”

  “I need to know what happened to that big and extraordinary love that we shared. I mean, you said it once. Something big must have happened that he ended up with a baby. I have to know what it was and find my closure. Make sure that the decision I made was right for everyone.”

  I rub my arms trying to fight the shivering sensation. “It’s scary to finally meet her.”

  “She’s special and pretty sweet,” Mom adds.

  “Have you met her mom?”

  “No, and I’ve organized all of Jojo’s birthday parties.”

  “How can the mother not be around?”

  “He’s never around either. Gage goes to the shop, tells us what he wants, pays, and we don’t see him for another year.”

  “That’s so unlike him. Why would he miss his child’s party?”

  I pick up my purse from the floor, looking for the old picture of them that I carry in my wallet when it hits me.
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  “That confirms that it was Marti,” I say “She abandoned him when she got tired of the weather, or her own daughter.”

  My head spins as hurt flares inside my chest. He’s been alone, and I just left without giving him a chance. “I want to kick myself for being a bitch and leaving him. Not that he really asked me to stay.”

  He never did. He pushed me away because he wanted to work things out with Marti. Was that it?

  “God,” I grunt. “It’s been too long, and I just can’t move on.”

  “Stop torturing yourself,” she orders. “Ask Gage what you need to know.”

  “Seems like a grown-up thing to do,” I say, picking up my phone.

  Tess: What are your plans for today?

  Gage: …

  The dots dance around the screen for a long time. I can feel him on the phone, staring at it. My stomach flips a couple of times; I can’t breathe.

  Gage: Why?

  Tess: You said you wanted to talk and Jojo wants to meet me.

  Gage: We’re having cake and celebrating her birthday. Why don’t you join us?

  Tess: Who is us?

  Gage: Jojo and me.

  Tess: At what time should I be there?

  Gage: Can George join us?

  Tess: Sorry. The guy doesn’t like to travel unless it’s an emergency. He prefers to stay in his habitat or around my place.

  “He invited me to his house. How do I start the conversation?”

  I don’t wait for Mom to answer. I head to the bedroom looking for some clothes.

  “You’ll know when you get there,” she answers. “Just ask yourself why you’re doing this.”

  “I need closure, so I can forget about them.”

  “Then, you should only talk to Gage. Please, don’t meet her,” Mom says. Her voice is loud but not harsh. “It clearly says in the texts that she knows about you and is expecting to meet you … maybe even have a relationship with you.”

  “She shouldn’t expect much from me. I can’t be close to her or her father.”

  “Why is that?” She frowns.

  “I’m glad that they’re a family, and they’re happy. But I don’t want to become a family friend who gets to watch what she lost from the outside. That’s just being masochistic.”

  “You’re contradicting yourself. First, you’re feeling guilty because you think he’s alone. Now—”

  “I know,” I stop her. “My mind isn’t in the right place, and these ambivalent thoughts keep swirling around.”

  “Take a breath and use your head, not your heart. When you hurt, you like to lash out against people.”

  “I haven’t done that in a long time.”

  “Let’s keep it that way, please.”

  I smile at her and start getting dressed. I run a brush through my hair and pull it into a ponytail.

  “Are you ready?”

  “I am,” I say with conviction. “It’s a good day to slaughter my fears.”

  Mom smiles at me.

  “I’m not the same girl who was afraid of making her parents’ mistakes or suffering like I made you suffer.”

  “You are not,” she confirms.

  I check my phone to see if he’s answered back. I was afraid since I said George couldn’t come, he was going to rescind my invitation.

  Gage: Maybe someday you can invite us to meet him?

  Tess: That sounds like a good idea.

  Gage: We’re here all day. Pick the time.

  Tess: Where’s here?

  Gage: Our home in Seattle. I hope you haven’t forgotten it. It looks the same way that it did when we lived together.

  We didn’t live in that house for too long. After we bought it, we spent most of our time in San Diego. Though, out of pettiness, I wanted to tell him that it was my home first before he chose to destroy us.

  Tess: I’m on my way. See you soon.

  “I need a present,” I say scanning the house.

  “You already gave her something.”

  “She doesn’t know, and thank you so much for dropping it off.”

  “Go to the storage closet in the garage. I have plenty of things that you can choose from and gift bags too.”

  “You’re the best mom ever.” I hug her.

  “So, I’ve heard. Call me if you need me. I’ll put George in his home before I head to the greenhouse.”

  “Thank you, Mom.”

  Thirty-Five

  Tess

  During the entire drive, my chest heaves in and out. How’s this going to work? I stare at my worn jeans during a stop light, then I look at myself in the rearview mirror and ask myself, “What are you doing, Tess?”

  The woman staring back at me is as clueless as I am. I have no idea how I’m going to start the conversation. He has so much to answer to, and what will I do if he refuses to tell me? Am I overthinking this? This will be our first encounter in nearly six years.

  I should’ve dressed more like a grownup to show him I’ve got my life together and I’m going places—a baggy sweater with jeans doesn’t exactly scream sophisticated. I lean back, chewing on my nail as I think of what I’ll say to him first. My father would be pretty upset if he saw me driving like this.

  Both hands on the wheel, Tess!

  “So much for acting like a grown-up,” I chide myself.

  My stomach churns as I realize Jojo might hate me for barging in during her birthday. Although Gage did mention that she wanted to meet me. When I park the car, I take a few breaths to calm myself before getting out.

  He’s right. The house hasn’t changed at all. Maybe the trees in the front yard are a little taller, but the flower beds are barren. I can’t help but fantasize about the flowers we could plant before the bloom season starts. I shake my head and pick up the gift bag with the coloring book and a stuffed animal I found in Mom’s closet. Before I knock, the door swings open, and I see him. My heart raps against my ribs, ringing in my ears.

  His eyes are still green, but less vibrant than they were when we were together. Yet, I relax because they have always brought me peace—made me feel safe and at home. I itch to caress his face and run a hand through his coarse, dirty-blond hair. He’s the same guy I fell in love with eight years ago, but Gage looks so much older and mature.

  His jaw is dusted with brown stubble and a few grays. My heart clenches, feeling the loss of all the years that we missed. I remind myself that’s why I decided to visit him—to get answers and learn how to move on from where he left me stranded.

  “You came just in time,” he whispers, pulling me into the house and closing the door quietly.

  He doesn’t say anything more, just drags me into the coat closet.

  “What are we doing?” I ask trying to put some distance between us.

  There’s no air inside the small, dark space. I’m having a hard time breathing with him so close to me. Even worse, he’s supporting me with his big strong arms because we’re crowded in against the coats and boxes. They’re the same arms I’ve missed every night since he left. But meeting in such close proximity wasn’t exactly what I had in mind for our reunion. His touch and his warm breath are burning my skin, as I toddle the edge between having an anxiety attack or combusting with lust.

  “Hiding, of course,” he whispers so close to my ear, and I fight the tremors of desire. He’ll know how much he’s affecting me if I don’t control myself. “What do you think we’re doing? Seven minutes in heaven? There’s a minor in the house. With all the noise you make, baby, she’d find us immediately. But I’ll be happy to comply once she’s asleep.”

  The arrogant bastard dares to imply that I want him. Who am I kidding? I do want those lips to slide over my skin and … Tess, snap out of it, right now!

  “We’re not teenagers,” I protest trying to find my footing.

  “Shh,” he places his index finger on my lips. “If you keep talking, she’s going to find us.”

  The touch sends an electric surge down my body, making me lust after him.
It’d be so easy to put my hands around his neck and kiss him hard—beg him to make the ache between my legs disappear, or ask him to heal the pain that his absence created.

  Behave, Tess. You’re not that girl anymore. He doesn’t own you. You’re here to claim your heart and your mind back.

  “I don’t want to play hide and seek,” I protest, trying to escape his hold and almost falling down.

  He grabs me tighter and says, “You chose to come today, Turtle. It’s Jojo’s birthday. That means she gets to choose what we do.”

  “Why in the world would you give that much power to a six-year-old?”

  “Your siblings had a lot of fun. I thought it’d be nice to hand the tradition down to Jojo,” he replied.

  “Well, at least there’s only two of you.”

  “Ready or not, here I come!” I hear her voice, and I freeze.

  “She’s just a six-year-old. There’s nothing scary about her,” Gage says.

  I shiver as his warm breath tickles the back of my neck. My treacherous body wants to succumb at his proximity.

  “I know,” I hold my breath.

  “I found you!” I hear the voice before the door swings open, and I come face to face with my biggest fear.

  She’s beautiful, with big dark brown eyes, long dark-brown curls, and a toothy smile.

  “Tess!” She hugs me around the waist with her skinny little arms. “You’re finally here.”

  “Jojo,” he says. “Meet Tess. Tess, this is Jojo.”

  “Jolene Eloise,” she curtseys, and I notice she’s wearing a princess dress and a tiara.

  “It’s very nice to meet you,” I curtsey back.

  “Are you here to tell me stories?” She pulls me to the couch. “I want to hear all of them.”

  “Stories?” I frown and turn to Gage who has a mischievous smirk painted on his face.

  The asshole just shoved me into the bear cave, and he’s enjoying watching the show.

  “What kind of stories are we talking about?”

  “You and George saving turtles,” Jojo explains and leaves the room.

  I look around the house and realize that nothing has changed. There are a few toys scattered around the room but that’s all.