Fifty
Gage
I’m not sure how long I stay outside. When I come back into the house, Tess is asleep on the couch. Keane and Easton are both sleeping on the floor in the guest room. I go into my room and get the bed ready for Tess. I scoop her in my arms, and she moves herself closer to my chest.
My body reacts almost immediately to the sweetness of her scent and the warmth of her skin. It feels so good to have her in my arms again. I want to kiss her more than anything in the world. But I manage to hold back.
I groan, aware that I can’t take things beyond holding her and walking her to the bed. Maybe a kiss on the forehead after I cover her body with the blankets. Which is precisely what I do.
“Sweet dreams, Turtle.”
Leaving her behind is wise. I close the door and slam my forehead against it. I shut my eyes; the time with her flashes before my eyes. From that first moment when I saw her at the bar to the night I had to leave her behind. We shared so fucking much, and I can’t see myself moving forward from what we had. I just had no idea how to make my way back home—or if Tess would even open the door to let me back in.
* * *
I end up spending the night in my studio. All the emotions of the day and the uncertainty of the future keeping my mind busy. So my hands play and scribble until the sun rises. This is the second sleepless night for me. The amount of material I’m accumulating will keep me busy long after Jojo and Keane’s lives are settled.
The hope that everything will work out for us disappears when Jojo comes out of her bedroom glaring at me.
“Hey, Pumpkin,” I greet her. “Good morning. Are you ready for breakfast?”
She starts looking around the house and her chin quivers.
“Tess is in my room,” I inform her, in case she’s looking for her. “She stayed the night, just like she promised.”
Jojo turns around and marches into my room. I follow behind and watch her from a distance. She knocks on the bathroom door.
“One second,” Tess calls out. “I’m almost done with my shower.”
“Okay,” Jojo whispers and sits right by the door.
“I’m going to make some pancakes,” I announce, “with chocolate chips.”
Instead of waiting for a response, I go to the kitchen. Easton’s already there preparing coffee.
“If you don’t mind, I’m heading to work,” he says. “Afterwards I’ll bring you the bed from my guest room. Keane said that you guys haven’t bought stuff for the room yet.”
“We were going to do it today.”
“Well, my contribution is the bed. Figure out the rest later.”
“Thank you. I owe you.”
“He owes us. Where’s the little Pumpkin?”
“In my room, waiting for Tess to finish showering.”
“Did you two sleep together?”
“Nah, I was in the studio working all night.”
“Again?” He shakes his head. “It’s going to be okay, Gage. Look at us. When Dad divorced Mom we were a mess, and we’re all doing fine now. She’s a smart kid, and we all love her.”
I can’t help but snort and give him an incredulous look. Is he fucking kidding? We’re all doing fine, he says, and yet, Cam, Keane, he and I—we’re all fucking emotional messes.
“She’s suffering. And that’s eating me alive.”
Easton loves Jojo, but I don’t think he gets the whole, I’d give my life for my kid’s happiness. Now that he knows I’m her uncle, he thinks we feel the same way about her. We don’t. It’s useless to try to explain what I’m going through. It’s my own personal hell which I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
“I don’t want to add shit to the pile, but you guys have to think about the rest of the family.”
“What about them?
“The sooner you tell them, the better for everyone. Mostly Jojo and Keane. Mom’s going to make it all about her—”
“Which is why I’m waiting,” I say between clenched teeth.
“This is just like telling Jojo the truth. You guys want to postpone it, but that’s impossible. You can’t cover the sun with one finger.”
“Aww, now he’s giving us platitudes like Grandpa used to,” Keane says in a mocking tone entering the kitchen.
“Look, I want to hug Mom and Dad. It’s been years since the last time I saw them, but right now, I have one goal. Jolene, who at the moment, hates my guts.”
“Jojo would like to remind you that she doesn’t like to be called Jolene,” Tess interrupts us. “Also, that she doesn’t hate you. She just doesn’t like any of you.”
“Me neither?” Easton protests, scrunching his face. “What did I do?”
Jojo whispers in Tess’s ear.
“She just doesn’t feel like liking anyone at the moment and hopes that you guys will stop fighting.”
“I can respect that,” Easton says and winks at her.
East approaches Jojo and kisses the top of her head. “I love you very much, Pumpkin. Tell Tess to call me if you need me.”
Jojo nods and waves at him.
“Do you need help with the pancakes?” Tess asks, and I smile at her, nodding.
“Why don’t you let me make them,” Keane offers.
“That’s a great idea,” Tess seconds the motion. “We’ll be your helpers.”
Jojo doesn’t say a word, but she lets Keane take the lead and follows everything he requests, even though she doesn’t talk to him. While they’re close to the griddle flipping the pancakes, Tess joins me.
“Thank you for taking me to bed,” she whispers and squeezes my hand. “You’re doing great.”
“I’m trying.”
“You get an A for effort and a C for attitude. Though, I’m sure neither one of them have noticed that you’re brooding.”
“I don’t brood.”
She chuckles. “You so do, Rodin. It’ll be our secret though.”
When we’re finished with breakfast, Tess and I wash the dishes since we didn’t cook as much as Jojo and Keane. Not that Jojo cooked. She only held the plate for Keane when each flapjack was done.
“Why don’t you guys draw while we clean up the kitchen,” Tess suggests. “Can you grab your coloring books and your new markers, Jojo?”
“Wow, it’s like everything you had in those bags was thought through,” I sigh.
“No, I just got her the same stuff I got for Grady.” She shrugs. “It just happens to be working right now.”
It doesn’t take us long to finish cleaning and Jojo asks Tess to take Keane’s spot and color with her. Again, she communicates by whispering everything to Tess and avoiding us.
Fifty-One
Gage
Thea arrives at nine. I introduce her to Tess and Jojo.
It surprises me when Tess says, “Hey, Dr. Decker.”
“Tess, it’s a pleasure to see you. How are you doing?”
Tess smiles and then looks at Jojo. “I’m doing well. How about you? It’s been years since the last time I saw you.”
“I’m keeping myself busy,” she responds, and I’m dying to know how they know each other.
Then, Thea moves her attention to us.
“Is there some place where we can talk?” She asks. “I’d like you to debrief me on what’s been happening since yesterday.”
It’s eating me alive that I have to step down from the role of being a father.
“Can I join?”
“Yes, please,” Keane agrees.
Once we’re out of Jojo’s reach, Keane goes over every detail of what’s happened since yesterday.
“Do you think I should give up?” he asks with a defeated tone.
“Of course not. You might not feel like you’ve made any progress, but you have. Acceptance won’t happen immediately. It’s hard to convince your children that what you did was necessary. That giving them up wasn’t exactly a choice, but a way to save them.”
“Where do we go from here?” Keane asks. His features relax. His
shoulders aren’t as tense as they were earlier, and his jaw isn’t clenched.
“If you allow it, I’m going to try to talk to her while we play. You can stay right by the entrance to listen. Tess can be there to supervise—with your permission.”
“As long as we can stay right here, I’m fine with it,” Keane says, walking closer to the glass door.
I join my brother. From where we stand, we can’t hear to the conversation, but we’re able to watch their interaction. Jojo colors while Thea talks to her and then they switch. Jojo talks while Thea scribbles in the coloring books. She’s chatty, and I’m glad that there’s a spark back in her big brown eyes.
At some point, Jojo turns her gaze toward the backyard and she looks directly at us. She nods once, and Tess rises from her seat.
“Jojo would like to speak to you guys,” she informs us. “Make sure you listen to her. This is important.”
We both nod and follow right behind her.
“Please, take a seat so we can start,” Thea speaks. “This is a safe place for everyone.”
Then, she turns to Jojo. “You can tell them how you feel.”
My Pumpkin’s gaze lands on me first. “I’m angry and sad because you told me I had another dad.”
Then, she turns to Keane. She looks at him and doesn’t speak for quite some time. My brother, who can’t stay put, bounces his knee while rubbing his hands down his pants. But thankfully, he doesn’t say a word.
“I don’t like that you left me, and you didn’t bring my mom back with you.” She crosses her little arms.
“I’m so sorry,” he apologizes. “I wish everything could have been different.”
She looks at him with a pinched expression, obviously what he says isn’t enough. “Can I see Mom?”
“I have pictures,” he answers, avoiding the inevitable. “Would you like to see her?”
She nods, and Keane opens his phone. He finds a picture and shows it to her.
“She’s beautiful, just like you.”
“Is she an agent like you?” Jojo grabs the phone staring at the image in front of her.
“An extraordinary agent,” he says, closing his eyes briefly. “She helped me close the last case.”
“She was brave, beautiful, and smart. Really smart,” he continues.
“Where is she?” Jojo hits him with the hardest question, and this time I know, he can’t avoid the answer.
He swallows hard. I put a hand on his shoulder and squeeze it. There’s a painful tightness in my throat. My perception of time slows as I wait for him to deliver the news. I can’t imagine how her life is going to change after today. I just want to make the pain go away, and for her to smile again.
“It’s okay, we’re in a safe place, Keane. Take your time,” Thea encourages him.
“Well, Ana—that’s her name—helped me catch the bad guys. We were partners. It was imperative that we closed that case. But while we were working…”
He lets out a loud exhale and whispers, “She died.”
Jojo holds the phone as if it’s the most precious thing she’s ever had. Then, she looks up at her dad and says, “She’s in heaven?”
Keane nods. His eyes filled with moisture.
“She’s never coming back?” Jojo asks trying to confirm what her dad’s telling her.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he says. “If I could, I would take her place, so you could have her. I swear.”
“Did she love me?”
“With all her heart,” he assures her.
He grabs the phone and sits right next to Jojo. He shows her more pictures of Ana. Then he plays videos of her. One after the other, until Jojo becomes familiar with her voice, and how she talked to the baby she was expecting. Her eyes never move from the screen until it’s over.
“I don’t want to die,” she suddenly says standing up and running to me.
Her wails tear my heart.
“It’s okay. Everything is fine,” I assure her, holding her tight against me.
“I don’t want you to die either. You can’t leave me.”
“Baby, I’m not leaving you, I swear. You’ll know where I am all the time. But you have Keane now. He loves you so much and misses you a lot. You two need each other.”
The tears don’t stop for quite some time, but when she calms, I ask her. “What have I told you about your dad?”
Jojo turns to look at him suspiciously and says, “A lot of things.”
“Can you tell me some of them?”
“That he’s the best, ever,” she repeats. “That he loves me more than all the stars in the entire universe.”
“You told her that?” Keane asks confused.
“Of course, I did. We talked about you all the time. We’ve been waiting for you, haven’t we, Pumpkin.”
She nods slowly.
“And for Tess too,” she whispers.
Then, she gives me a pleading look, “I don’t want you to leave us, please.”
“Nobody said anything about leaving, Jojo,” I say carefully, because one day she’s going to leave me, and I’ll be okay with that—eventually.
“We can all live together.”
She sounds excited for a second. But then, her face turns severe and she looks at Keane. “Are you going back to work?”
“No. I came back to stay with you, forever,” he assures her.
“Okay,” she says, pouting and twisting her mouth.
“This is a great start,” Thea says. “Remember that you have to speak up about how you’re feeling, Jojo. They can’t guess if you’re sad, angry, or anxious.”
“I promise to tell them.” She nods vigorously.
Keane walks Thea outside. I’m dying to join them and know what the next step is, but I stay behind because it’s his role now. Not mine. I’m here as a facilitator, as his support.
“Well, it’s time for me to leave,” Tess announces.
“But I want everyone to stay with me forever.” Jojo looks at Tess in disbelief.
“Who’s going to save the turtles if I stay?”
Jojo’s shoulders slump. “Are you going to visit me?”
Tess nods, “Whenever I’m in town. I’ll also make sure that your dad has my number in case you want to talk to me.”
“Okay,” Jojo chirps. “I can call you, and you can show me the beach and the ocean and all the animals. Maybe the narwhals.”
“We’ll make that happen,” she promises. “I’m glad I got to know you. Can I give you a hug?”
Jojo nods and walks to her, giving her a tight hug. Tess leaves to get her backpack and pick up the clothes she wore yesterday from the room. I hold my breath as I watch her getting ready to leave.
“Thank you for these past few days. I’m not sure if I could’ve survived them without you.”
“I’m sure you would’ve. Thea is amazing.” Tess sighs. “Obviously, you guys need a lot more than one session, but everything will turn out great.”
“How do you know her?”
“She was my therapist when I was sixteen and until I moved to San Diego.” She shrugs as if it’s no big deal. “Take care of yourself, Rodin.”
“You’re not coming back?”
Tess shakes her head. “It’s time for me to go back to my own life. You’ve got this.”
“What about us?” I dare to ask.
“There’s no us,” she informs me. “I think this loss is tempting you to fill the emptiness with what’s familiar and comfortable. I don’t want to occupy that space.”
“I miss you.”
“Sometimes I miss that life too. It was easier to just be a student, have a boyfriend who waited for me at home and who I shared my life with.” She tilts her head. “It’s been six years, Gage. You’ve changed. I have too. The lives we have now are so different from before. We grew apart.”
She sighs and looks at the house. “I want to share my life with a man who knows who I am, who trusts me with everything.”
“But—”
“Last night, while you spent time by the edge of the lake, I realized that there are oceans between us. The only reason you reached out to me was because you were feeling nostalgic and were losing Jojo.”
“That’s not why I did it. For the past eight years, every night I type you a message that I never send. I google you to see what’s new with you. It wasn’t just because of Jojo.”
She marches to her car, and I follow right behind. This can’t be over.
“Oh, you might want to pack my things and send them to my parents. Move on,” she says opening the trunk. “I’ll do the same with your belongings. I might be moving out of the house.”
“What if I don’t want to move on?”
“Try hard, Gage. Live for yourself, after Jojo and Keane are settled.” She smiles.
“So, I just start hooking up with my groupies?” I challenge her, my eyes locking with hers.
We’re so close that I could pull her to me and kiss her until I convince her that she’s not making sense.
“Why not? When was the last time you went out on a date, Gage?” She arches an eyebrow, and her lips twitch. “That’s what I thought. You’ve been too busy with Jojo and your career to spend time getting to know anyone.”
I close the distance between us, set my hands on her waist, and pull her toward me until our mouths are so close that I can feel her soft breath caressing my lips. This could be my last chance.
“We can get to know each other,” I whisper.
“We should close this chapter,” she counteracts her eyes igniting.
“How about we close it with a kiss?” I propose.
Her mouth parts slightly, “Gage.”
She stretches her neck, her lips meet mine. Heart pounding like a hammer against my ribcage. The moment our mouths touch, Tess gasps. I wrap her up in my arms, tilt my head and deepen our kiss.
She relaxes and loops her arms behind my neck. I nibble her lower lip, asking for more, for her to let me in. Her mouth parts and our tongues meet, tangling, making love to each other. We’re two long lost lovers, finally reuniting. She moans against my mouth as I kiss her harder, deeper.
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