Rebel Rockstar

by Marci Fawn

  He’s sitting in the seat beside me; Dawn isn’t old enough for her own seat yet, so she’s on my lap. She’s the excuse I use – I’m just checking to make sure she’s comfy and nothing might be poking against her, or anything – every time I turn my head to the right of me to look at River.

  Sometimes I swear he’s looking back.

  We haven’t talked yet, not really. He tries a few times, but I cut him off.

  Maybe I shouldn’t do that.

  Especially because he uses every opportunity to chat up Dawn instead, and she’s busy chattering away to him.

  I turn to him, about to open my mouth when a voice comes over the speakers. There haven’t been too many announcements this flight, and by the time the words the woman is saying get to me, the plane is descending.

  I look over at River again. He doesn’t pretend to be looking away, though, if he ever was. This time, he stares back, his eyes meeting mine. I want to refuse to look down, but I can’t help it. My eyes dart down as I feel his eyes still burning into my skin, and I wonder exactly what he’s thinking –

  The plane lands.

  Everyone stands to take their bags out of the overhead bins, and then we boarding off. We’ll take a car to get to the cruise. I didn’t plan for River to come with us… There won’t be enough seats. I look at him, blushing, and duck my head again, wondering if this means I’ll wind up sitting in his lap.

  It’s going to be a long ride.

  But not as long as the cruise, and not just length-wise. The car ride is maybe two hours. The cruise lasts five days, going through Italy and a bunch of islands on its way towards Greece. The car ride goes through some roads with some trees on the sides and… That’s about it.

  And in the end, it’s either me or Sabrina who’ll have to sit on River’s lap. I shock myself by volunteering.

  At least the car ride didn’t have Jason and Becky there. They’ll be there every other step of the way, though.

  And it’s ruining everything. I can see them just ahead of me as we board the ship, and I’m about to go up to them and say something when I feel a strong hand touch on the small of my back and pull me away.

  “Don’t,” River says, smiling down at me comfortingly. It’s funny, since he was the one to hit Jason when all he did was show up…

  Not that I’m defending Jason, but this should be the exact same thing. It is the exact same thing. I wrench myself away from him, knowing that with the difference in our sizes and strength that the only reason I got away from River is that he chose to let go of me.

  I scowl, watching his offending hand drop down to his side.

  Not that it didn’t feel good against me, even through the fabric…

  “You. Are. A. Hypocrite,” I punctuate the words with a finger pointing to his chest, and it only infuriates me more when he grins at me. Just a day ago, these roles were reversed. Why had I let him come?

  I know why.

  I refuse to talk about it.

  Or even think about it.

  Or even think about anything besides the way he crosses his arms over his hard chest, which makes his biceps press against the sleeves of his cotton T-shirt, and it’s frustrating in a way that doesn’t have to do with the heat rising up through my…

  Ugh.

  I groan, and he knows he won.

  “Come on,” he says, putting his hand on the small of my back again. His other hand is carrying our bags, which an employee from the ship grabs in the next second.

  River’s hand finds Dawn’s and he easily guides her aboard the ship. I’m in awe watching them. Dawn’s blabbering away, busy telling some story to the man she has no idea is her father.

  But I’m too annoyed to think about that, as I see my least two favorite people in the world right ahead of us.

  I groan again, looking at Jason and Becky, wondering if they’ve even noticed us.

  They haven’t.

  They’re engrossed in something, Becky leaning to look at something while Jason stands behind her, his arms around her the way he usually did with me.

  River turns my body again, steering me away from them and onto the ship. It’s beautiful and white, just like I expected from the photos I saw on the site when I booked the trip with…

  “Stop it,” River narrows his eyes at me, telling me with his silence that he knows exactly what I’m thinking and that I need to “cut the shit.” I wasn’t even going to think of Jason and Becky, or how they will be cuddling just a deck’s length away. I just didn’t expect Jason to have the same idea as me, and to bring her along with him.

  “I said to stop it.” River’s tone is even deeper and more authoritative than it usually is, and I’m shocked. I don’t want to twist away from him, though, I just want to obey. “Don’t make me punish you, Faith.”

  The words send chills up my spine and I wonder exactly what he means by that. I know it won’t be sexual, although knowing River it probably will be…

  “Look,” he’s still talking and I fade back into the conversation, wondering if he knew exactly just where I disappeared to in the few moments between what he said and what I heard. He hasn’t said anything about it, though, and River wouldn’t just let it disappear to the background to be polite –

  He winks at me.

  He totally knows.

  “Let’s do dinner,” he says, and I nod. Somehow we’re in my room together and we’re sharing our meal. I’m glad for Dawn being here because I don’t know how I could handle being in a room alone with River. He tells me he’s going to get food from the buffet he saw on the way in – I didn’t even notice it, I was focusing too much on… Other things – and I nod dumbly, and then he’s away.

  And then he’s back.

  Somehow he’s found apples, a knife to cut them with, a loaf of bread, ham, grapes, and some cheese. It’s not much, but at the same time, it’s everything.

  I’m suddenly so tired I can only smile up at him. He cuts everything for Dawn first, I notice, and with the way he’s looking at her…

  I should tell him he’s her father.

  I should have, a long time ago.

  He needs to know…

  Now isn’t the time. So I just watch – the slices he cuts for us are thick and chopped down like you’d expect them to be, but Dawn’s are cut into small little squares so she doesn’t choke. The care he shows for her does nothing to get this smile off my face, especially when Dawn giggles up at him as he keeps the loaf of bread from her.

  “You’ve got to reach it first,” he says. Is he really this good with children? I hadn’t expected it from River Xavier, of all people. I saw his tense jaw earlier, and felt the muscles in his body contract as he pulled me away from Jason and Becky.

  He’d been angry, too. But he was playing peacemaker… And father.

  He keeps the bread loaf just out of reach of her little arms as she goes for it, and he shakes his head at her. “Like this,” he says, and he puts the loaf just far down enough for her to reach it. Her little teeth dig into the dough and she squeals with excitement.

  She doesn’t even eat bread. She’s so picky.

  Dawn tries to take a huge bite out of it before he takes it from her, and pulls it into little pieces.

  And then he passes me the small, messy sandwiches he made for me just a second ago, and we all eat together. Somewhere, distantly, I feel the boat start to rock as it moves through the gentle waves, but my attention is on…

  “I need to check something,” River says, and I wonder if I should be concerned, but I’m not. He smiles at me, a gentle smile, not the same type of movement as his trademark smirks but just as lovely. I nod to him, letting him go. “I’ll be right back.”

  And I’m not concerned.

  Until I hear the shouts just outside our door.

  48

  River

  You notice a few things about people you hate. I realize I’ve never been on a cruise before and I should be enjoying the scenery, the beautiful blue water surrounding
us… All that shit. But I can’t, because the fuck who hurt Faith was here, and…

  Paparazzi.

  I managed to avoid them for the past few days, forgetting about where my career in boxing had taken me. I was only just in my twenties. They should be leaving me the fuck alone to explore adulthood, or some shit. But no, that just gave them more ammo.

  I ignore the flash of cameras – who the fuck has the time to go stalk someone on a cruise to take photos? And how did they even know I was here? – as I stare down Jason. His back is retreating from me, and it only pisses me off more.

  I know what he was doing. Fucking coming up to Faith’s cabin to try and talk to her.

  Never mind that he’s here with the woman he cheated on her with.

  Never mind he’s the world’s biggest prick.

  But of course, as soon as he saw me in there with Faith, he backed off.

  Fucking coward.

  “Hey!” I shout at him. He stops for a second, but doesn’t look behind him. He keeps walking after that, so I shout at him again, adding some things –

  “Hey, motherfucker, I said stop.”

  I sound like a dick, even to my own ears. Good. Fuck this guy and his shit feelings. He doesn’t deserve to…

  He yells back at me, and it surprises me. But not enough surprise for me to care enough to know what he’s saying… The words are meaningless.

  The crowd around us is bigger now and there are more cameras clicking. Guess there are a few more boxing fans on this cruise than I’d thought; I’d expected it to be housewives and their husbands, and the side dishes for those husbands. Not that they needed to be married to fuck around. I knew full well. I’d been cheated on before, but nothing as bad as this whole Jason and Becky business.

  He never deserved Faith.

  And he never would.

  I don’t think anyone does.

  Jason stops a few feet from me and turns, repeating himself again. There’s a swear in there that his little mouth doesn’t look like it’d fucking know, and there are some words in them but I’m not listening to those either. From the sidelines, I hear someone asking questions about me.

  “Is that River Xavier?”

  And just like that, I can’t make the distinction between a swanky cruise ship and the ring. I feel the crowd around me, and I can’t make them out from the sweating, screaming hordes in the seats below the ring. And these ones are standing, so it’s like when there’s an aggressive match, too many people in there for there to be chairs, and if there are any chairs, they’re being thrown at others –

  Fuck.

  I don’t need a ref for this.

  I step forward, my left leg going in front of my right leg instinctively as I raise my hands. I throw my body weight towards the bitch in front of me, throwing my first punch out –

  Fist hits skin.

  Jab, cross, jab, cross. There’s a dim pain as his leg connects with my stomach, but I ignore it.

  This fuck doesn’t even know how to throw a hit. He’s resorting to kicking and grabbing at my skin, and I feel nothing about it, I just want to hurt him, even though I’m far more advantaged than he is.

  Hit, hit, hit. I’m on top of him and his shoulders are in my hands as I drag them behind his back, twisting him around as he shouts. No tap out. Hit, hit. I slam his head to the ground, panting angrily, about to take my palm and hit him with it when I hear her.

  “River! Stop!”

  I don’t know when she left the room and I don’t know if Dawn is with her, but there’s something different about honorably fighting in a ring and beating the shit out of some asshole on deck that I stop immediately.

  My fists, still clenched, are held in front of me, and I gasp for air, not because I’m tired but because the sudden lack of conflict drains me…

  I need to hit him again.

  I back away.

  “I’m sorry, I just… I can’t forget what he did,” I tell Faith, my eyes darting back to the cabin. “Is Dawn okay?”

  Faith nods, crossing her arms in front of her body. “Sabrina’s with her.”

  I nod, feeling comforted.

  And then I realize: the cameras never stopped clicking. I turn to look at them and I see a flash of hair and short shorts covering almost no skin as Becky runs across the deck, picking up Jason and dragging him away where I can’t get to him –

  We’ll have to deal with being in a confined space with each other. But that doesn’t mean we have to see each other. And if Becky does her job right, I won’t have to deal with Jason, and he won’t have to get his face fucking broken in again.

  My breathing is less shallow. Calmer now.

  I take Faith’s hand in mine and pull her to me, but then I drop her hand and just take her in my arms. Her head fits perfectly under my chin like it always has, and I love how small she is in my arms and how it feels like I can protect her…

  I would protect her, against anything.

  But I can’t convince myself that attacking Jason isn’t just as much for her as it is for me. I sigh into her hair, about to close my eyes when the first fan pipes up, asking me for an autograph.

  Another camera clicks, and I imagine how it looks, me holding Faith in my arms and breathing out calmer than I have in ages. She feels right. I’ll have to figure out who that person is and ask for that photo later, but there’s only so much shit I can deal with right now.

  Faith presses her body against mine for a moment, but then she pulls herself away from me and we’re only connected by our fingertips as she grabs my hand. A pen is shoved roughly in the other hand as another voice – high-pitched from being nervous? Fans of boxers are often worried they might get by their idol, but I’ve never hit down a fan yet – reminds me of what they desperately want: my name scrawled on their shirt.

  River Xavier.

  Done.

  And then the pen is still in my hand, and I write my name on notepads, clothing, skin, and maybe a camera or two. I don’t keep track. My mind is on Faith. I throw the pen to the ground and go to her, needing her more than I need the attention of some groupies and a few reporters.

  “Mr. Xavier! Is this your wife?” One voice screams over the sound of the rumbling people. The cruise was quiet and serene a few minutes ago, but it got loud in the fight and has only gotten progressively louder later. I nod, ignoring the technicalities of the statement. She’s my girl, even if she doesn’t know it yet, but by the way her hand squeezes against mine…

  She does.

  It’d be nice to have her as my wife, I think. No, I know.

  But we’re not there yet.

  I nod again to the random man, taking Faith’s hand in mine and moving back in the direction I’m pretty sure I came from. She just giggles, stopping and still moving even as she does so. I’m too strong and her body gets pulled along by my grip, so I stop, too, wondering what’s up.

  “My room’s this way,” she says, grabbing the sleeve of my shirt even though it’s way too high up for her to lead me without it looking ridiculous. And then she pulls me and we’re back to our cabin.

  The room is still organized and looks the same as it did before, still smells of freshly cut apples and unpacked luggage. I guess she took our clothes out and got them done when I was hunting for Jason…

  Sabrina and Dawn are missing from the room. Guess the blonde took my little girl out to explore the ship. Perfect fucking timing.

  I kiss Faith on the forehead, hoping she’ll know I noticed. Either way, I’m not going to ask. She leans her head against my chest and that’s all that matters.

  “River,” she says.

  “Shut up,” I tell her. I have to quit being so fucking soft. I wonder if she’ll still like me as much, as mushy as I’ve been around her. But I’m not in the mood for mush now. I grab her by the waist, pulling her to me.

  She’s so much weaker than me and it’s so easy to just take her in my arms, but she doesn’t fight me. She never has.

  We’re meant to be toget
her.

  I crush my lips against hers. One of her hands rises to the back of my head, pressing against it so that my mouth drags closer to hers. I shower her in rough, wet kisses, tugging at the bottom of her shirt and moving to pull it up over her head –

  “Wait,” she says, tugging at the hem of mine back. Hers is urgent, less sexual than we’d been just a second before.

  I stop immediately.

  “I can’t, River… It’s too much, too soon. We have to talk, you’re being too pushy,” she admits brokenly.

  It hurts so fucking much to hear her say that. I try to speak.

  I can’t.

  “Tonight,” she says, kissing me lightly one more time. “I promise.”

  And then she’s out of the room, saying she has to find Sabrina and Dawn, check up on her little girl. And I’m sitting in there, thinking about the kid that might just be mine.

  I don’t feel like a father.

  But…

  Dawn feels like home.

  She feels like my child.

  Hours pass. Tonight never comes.

  I’m not even mad when Faith presses herself up against my side, leaning her head on my shoulder, and tells me what a sleepy night it is.

  “It is,” I say, and I keep myself from kissing her again. It shouldn’t be possible to kiss someone too much. If she’s sleepy, though, it might be better not to. I haven’t spent the night with her before, not in years. I don’t know what it takes to make her tired, even though I’d have been able to answer that question just years ago. I press my fingers in her hair, pulling at it lightly so it rises from her scalp and she moans. “Let’s go outside.”

  She nods, her eyes half-lidded and I wonder if she’s actually too tired to…

  I shake my head.

  Dawn is in here.

  And that is exactly why we can’t be close.

  I knock on the door to the adjoining door, and Sabrina opens it a moment later. “Can you watch Dawn?” I ask.