by J. L. Beck
Her blonde hair reminds me of sunshine, and her smile radiates warmth, though it’s never geared toward me. I’m an asshole. To her, to my brothers… hell, even to myself.
But, when I look at her, when I watch her, I have this strange feeling in my gut. This intuition that says we’ve met before. I know it’s ludicrous to think something like that, and it’s probably the reason I’m more of an ass to her than I should be.
“Good afternoon, Mr. Winston.” Her voice is like silk, and I want to ask her to keep talking, so I can wrap myself up in her softness. That would be weird, right?
Forcing my thoughts back to the boring shit in front of me, I crack my knuckles and look up at her over my computer screen. God. Why does she have to be so fucking beautiful. Sometimes I think God hates me. I’m lusting after a woman I don’t even know the name of in my dreams, and unable to ignore a woman I want nothing to do with in my present life.
“I’d say good afternoon as well, but it isn’t. Ya see…” I watch as her face falls, a sadness lingering in her eyes as she waits for me to deliver some shitty blow. “My coffee cup is empty.” I point to the mug, one Fallon got me that says “World’s greatest Uncle.”
“I can fix that,” she says confidently. “Is there anything else I can do to help make your day better?” Her eyes remind me of whiskey, so deep and intoxicating I could get lost in their depths. I should hate myself for what I’m about to say.
“Well, since you asked…” I trail off, smiling like an asshole. I wonder if she’s asked people in the office about me. I’m sure she’s wondering if I’ve always been this way. If anyone knows how close I am to falling off the bandwagon.
I miss him. I miss him so fucking much, and it kills me. I blink away the pitiful thought and blink back to reality.
Ava smiles, really smiles, and walks farther into the office, waiting to be told what to do. She wants to make me happy, which, unfortunately for her, only makes me more irritated. The thought of anyone trying to make me happy only angers me more.
“Yes? What can I do for you?” She’s so soft, so perfect, so… Suddenly, my thoughts shift from shoving her out of the office to wanting to fuck her hard against the desk.
I lick my lips before moving away from my desk so I’m closer to her. “That depends on what you’re willing to do.” Her throat bobs up and down as she swallows.
Is she nervous? Afraid of me? I can’t tell. Her body seems to shake as I get closer.
“Close the door, and the blinds.” I rest against the desk, undoing my dress shirt as I watch her eyes go wide. Fear trickles into them, and I feel just a tiny bit bad. I’ll never take a woman against her will—that’s below me—but even I know when a woman’s attracted to me. And Ava, well, she’s just like any other hot-blooded female in this office.
“I’m not...I wasn’t offering to…” she stammers.
“You asked what you could to do for me that would make me feel better. I’m about to show you.” My voice rises a smidge higher than it should, but I get my point across, watching as she scurries across the floor in her heels, stopping when she gets to the door.
Ava turns back to face me, and I can see the conflict on her face. She’s attracted to me, but I know she thinks doing this is wrong…and she’s probably right. Hell, I fucking know she’s right. I just can’t bring myself to care right now.
Stalking over to her, I don’t stop moving until her back presses against the door, closing the more she backs into it. There’s nowhere for her to go. She’s trapped, my prey, and nothing gets my cock harder than having a woman at my mercy.
Ava’s looking up at me, trepidation clear in her eyes. I keep my eyes on her as I lean closer, watching as her eyes turn glassy with tears and ignoring the guilt that fills my chest. She smells so good, and the closer I get to her, the more her scent fills my nostrils. I swear, it’s like we’ve been in this exact position before, even though I know for a fact we haven’t. Déjà vu is such an odd feeling.
My eyes fall closed as my lips ghost against hers. They’re so soft against mine, and I sink further into the way kissing her makes me feel. Everything fades away. My grief, all the anger I’m carrying around inside, all the resentment I feel toward my brothers. I’m reveling in the absence of all the negativity, so focused on it I don’t notice she’s moving until her hand strikes my cheek.
She smacks me so hard I don’t immediately feel the pain. Even the sound of her hand slapping me takes a few seconds to register in my mind, but when it finally does, I jerk back to stare down at her in disbelief. My cheek stings, but my ego is more wounded than my face will ever be.
Her eyes are just as wide as I’m sure mine are. We stare at each other, and Ava’s looking up at me like she can’t believe she just smacked me, like her hand moved without her permission. She quickly recovers, though, and her hands come up to shove me back. Her hands against my chest are something I never expected to feel, and I’m so shocked I let it happen. The minute we’re no longer touching, she moves farther away, putting as much space between us as she can without moving far from the door.
“I...I can’t…” She’s so upset she can’t get the words out, but when I take a step toward her, not sure if I’m going to apologize or try to kiss her again, her spine straightens and she holds out a hand to stop me. The tears in her eyes overflow, and if looks could kill, I’d be buried beside my dad right now. “You’re such an asshole,” she hisses, pain filling her voice. “I can’t believe I ever thought you were different.”
My brow furrows in confusion. What is she talking about? She hasn’t known me long enough to think I’m different. I’m the same person I’ve been since the day we met. I don’t get the chance to ask what she means though. As soon as she says the words, she spins around on her heel, grabbing the doorknob tightly and yanking it open. I’m frozen in time, unable to speak or move, and it’s all because of her.
She’s halfway out of my office when she finally turns around to face me. There’s a look in her eyes, one that promises pain.
“Don’t ever touch me again, or I swear, Ryker, you’ll regret it.”
I can’t explain the pain coursing through my body at the combination of anger and hurt in her voice. She’s just another woman, no one special to me. There’s plenty of willing women who will let me drown my grief in their bodies, so it’s not like I need her.
The only problem I have with that? The only person I want isn’t someone I can actually have. My mystery girl from the bar is gone, and I have no idea how to find her. The only thing that has remotely helped even a little is touching Ava, but I don’t understand why.
I want to dislike her so badly it hurts, but I can’t. So, I do the only thing I know I can do. I turn around and walk back into my office, slamming the door so hard it rattles the blinds.
I don’t care if anyone knows I’m mad.
I don’t care if I scare anyone.
I’m drowning, but with Ava near, I’m on the cusp of getting just enough air to survive the next sink to the bottom.
Disgust and bitter disappointment courses through me for the rest of the day and into the evening. I force myself to go through the motions, even though I want to burst into tears. I thought Ryker was different, but the man I met that night in the bar isn’t the same man I saw today. I can feel it deep in the pit of my stomach, and I think that makes the feelings I have for him worse. I want to believe in him. I want him to be the knight in shining armor that whisked me away and kissed life back into me, but I can’t. I just can’t.
“Okay, that’s it. I’m going to give you five minutes to tell me what’s going on before I get Marie to help me drag it out of you.” Gabby meets me at the door, her dark gaze meeting mine. She is so perfect it actually hurts. Her dark skin is toned, her face flawless. She looks like a model; tall with olive skin, she just has more curves than most of them do. I’ve been avoiding her texts all day, and I know as soon as Marie walks in the door shit is going to hit the fan.
“Nothing’s going on. I’ve just been busy all day and I’m exhausted,” I lie unconvincingly as I set the Chinese takeout down on the table before sagging against the couch so I can kick off my heels. “Plus, the only reason you care about my sanity is so I keep bringing Chinese food home.” I fake a laugh, trying to cover up the anger inside me so I don’t start sobbing. If I do, I’m not sure I’ll ever stop.
Women are strange creatures sometimes. When we’re angry, we cry. Hell, we cry even when we aren’t. Crying is a mechanism we use so we don’t start killing people off.
Gabby stares me down, her eyes narrowing as she inspects my face. She does this until she finds what she’s looking for, then turns on her feet and walks into the kitchen to get what I assume will be silverware.
“You know, Ava, I’ve known you since we were little kids, which means I’ve seen you lie. That also means I know what your face looks like when you’re lying.”
She’s right.
When she appears a second later in the dining room, a sad look mars her features. I’m going to have to tell her what happened today, even if I don’t want to. Worse yet, I’m going to have to explain just how I found out who Mr. Serious is.
“Remember that guy I met at the bar…” I start, moving from the couch and into the dining room and taking the seat beside her.
“Oh, I remember. Mr. Serious, with his piercing eyes and lick-worthy jawline. Hell yes, I remember.” Her response makes me smile, but I’m still livid over the way Ryker treated me today.
“What would you say if I told you Mr. Serious is actually an asshole…and my boss?”
I lick my lips and watch as her expression morphs into disbelief, then excitement, and then back to disbelief. “I would say it’s time to see how far your relationship with him can take you with the company.”
Rolling my eyes, I make grabby hands at the takeout boxes and she passes one to me. “No, Gabby. I’m not going to use him to get ahead in the company. I don’t even like him, not really. He’s not the person I thought he was when I met him at the bar.” The emotions I have been holding at bay all day are on the verge of spilling out of me.
“What do you mean he’s not the same person?”
Concern fills Gabby’s voice, and I inhale a shaky breath, trying to keep the tears from coming. “He’s mean, menacing even.” My voice cracks with emotion, and Gabby’s hand reaches out across the space and rests against mine.
“Did he hurt you? I swear if he hurt you, Ava, I will cut his balls off and shove them straight up his ass.” The look on her face tells me she’s serious, and while the thought makes me feel better, it doesn’t help me understand what happened to Ryker to make him the way he is.
I shake my head, pieces of my hair escaping from behind my ear to fall into my face. “He didn’t hurt me, not like you think he did. He’s just, he’s not the same…” My voice trails off.
We slept together once. It’s not like he owes me anything. I made the choice to sleep with him without knowing so much as his name.
“Oh, sweetheart, I am so damn sorry. Tell me what happened. Did he say something? Do something?”
I bite the inside of my cheek, contemplating if I really want to get into the nitty-gritty details of what happened. “He kissed me.” I find myself reveling in the memory of his lips against mine, the softness of the kiss while his full lips pressed against mine, even while being pissed that he did it. “But it was the things he said before he did it that bother me the most. He was so hateful, Gabby. He treated me like I’m something disposable. And the worst part? He doesn’t even act like he remembers me.” Something inside of me cracks, like saying the words out loud have a harder effect on me than keeping them to myself. The tears come next, and no matter how much I swipe them away, more come, covering my cheeks with wetness. “How does he not remember?”
“Ava.” Gabby whimpers like she’s feeling my pain, her body moving without thought so she can wrap her arms around me. Her hug is warm, and it brings me a small amount of peace.
“Even though I’m mad at him for not remembering me, and for trying to proposition me for sex, I-I still want to know what happened to him to make him be this way.”
Gabby pulls away as I speak, her eyes scanning my face. “I get why you’re mad. He’s a douchebag, especially considering he doesn’t remember sleeping with you. Of course you want to know what’s wrong with him and what’s making him be such an asswipe.”
I nod, my tears finally starting to slow. “I do, because the night we made love, he was different. He was gentle, caring, and so passionate. Having a taste of that man, I want…” I pause for a second, knowing that isn’t the right word. “No, I need to know what happened to him to make him so cold.” I can’t lie to myself, or Gabby, and say I’m not interested in him, even after what happened today.
Even his hate and disdain didn’t affect me the way I know he expected. It only makes me more curious as to who the man underneath the attitude is. It makes me want to see if I can catch a glimpse of the man I shared one amazing night with.
“Do I smell Chinese food?” Marie’s voice echoes slightly as she enters the living room, her eyes landing on Gabby and me. When she sees Gabby’s arms wrapped around me and the tear tracks on my cheeks, she rushes over to us. “Is everything okay? What happened?”
Concern replaces the happiness that previously lingered in her voice, and I hate that I’m going to be the reason everyone’s night is ruined. I don’t want to be the center of attention. Hell, I don’t want anyone to care about me or my feelings. I’m already used to dealing with it all on my own.
“Everything is fine.” I smile, but I can tell Marie isn’t buying it. Her blue eyes pierce mine, and I know that look. It’s one that says, “Tell me now, or someone is going to get their ass beat.”
“Since Ava can’t seem to answer me without lying…” She glares at me briefly before directing all her attention to Gabby. “Is everything okay Gabby, or do I need to go get my prison orange on?”
Gabby rolls her eyes and snorts, barely managing to hold back her laughter. “Orange isn’t really your color, so you should burn anything you own in that color, but yes, everything is okay. Ava’s just having a hard time with her new boss, who she also happened to sleep with.” My face pales as she says the words, while Marie’s face fills with shock. Seriously, Gabby? You had to put it out there like that?
“Hold on. Let me sit down for a second, because I can’t actually believe what I’m hearing.” Marie drops into one of the cheap dining room chairs before looking between Gabby and me, waiting impatiently for one of us to continue with the story.
“Believe it because that’s what happened.” Gabby pauses briefly, letting what she said sink in before she starts again. “Basically, Ava had a one-night stand with a man she didn’t know until she showed up for her first day at her new job. Guess who her new boss is?” Hearing her say the words makes me feel less burdened by my thoughts and sadness, but I still don’t know how I’ll face Ryker every day at work.
“So, your boss is the mystery man you met at the bar?” I nod my head yes. Marie blinks before throwing her hands up in the air, a smile pulling at her full ruby-red painted lips. “And this is a bad thing why? You wanted to know, right?”
I swallow down the lump in my throat. When Marie hears what happened, she’s going to hate Ryker, and that’s the last thing I want my best friend to feel for a guy I kinda, sorta like. “I did,” I admit, “but I never expected him to be such an asshole.”
“Asshole? In what way? What’s this guy’s name? I’ll look him up and see if he’s really worthy of you.”
Her questions slam into me all at once and before I can stop myself I’m spilling everything. “His name is Ryker Winston, and he’s going to be overseeing the company after his brother and his fiancé have their first baby.”
I can’t tell immediately what is wrong, but I know something is when I look at Marie. Her expression has gone from playful to disappointed
and angry so fast, I wouldn’t even believe her emotions could change at such a rate of speed had I not seen them do so myself.
Her expression goes blank and her voice is devoid of any previous emotion. “I’ve got to get to bed. It’s been a long day, and I’m worn out.” The way she closes down leaves a sour taste in my mouth. Is there something she knows about Ryker I don’t? Did she sleep with him too? The thought makes me sick to my stomach.
“Wait, what’s wrong? I told you his name, and now you don’t want to talk anymore? Is everything okay? Do you know him?” I’m peppering her with questions in a panic, but I feel this overpowering need to ask things. Without even thinking, I’m following her to her bedroom. More questions form on my tongue, but I hold them in, wanting to give her a chance to answer the ones already out there.
She turns just out side the door and our bodies collide. As long as we’ve been friends, I can’t say I’ve ever seen so much sadness in her eyes as I do right now.
“Nothing’s wrong, Ava. I’m just tired and need some space, that’s all.” She doesn’t answer any of my questions. In fact, she avoids them altogether, and that only drives the knife of betrayal further into my chest, because I know there’s something wrong.
“Don’t lie to me, Marie!” I exclaim, and am met with a dark glare.
“I’m not lying, Ava, and I don’t appreciate my best friend assuming I am. Go away if you don’t believe me. Either way, I’m done talking about it.” She doesn’t give me a second to respond to what she’s said; she simply walks into her room and slams the door behind her, the sound of her door locking loud to my ears.
What the hell?
I stare at the wooden door for longer than I want to admit, willing it to open.
Marie knows something about Ryker, even if she says she doesn’t, and suddenly what happened today doesn’t matter anymore.
Ryker and Marie know each other, and without knowing the reason how or why, a ball of jealousy starts to roll around inside my belly while one question swirls around inside my head. What am I going to do if my best friend slept with the man I’m secretly lusting after? Or worse, what if he broke her heart or did something to hurt her?