by J. L. Beck
I squeeze my eyes closed and rest my head against her door, wanting answers but knowing they’re too far out of reach.
Marie doesn’t want to talk tonight, and maybe not ever, and that scares me. It scares me a whole lot more than the feelings I have for Ryker.
Day drinking. That’s what dreams are made of. Also, something my boss, aka Older Brother, doesn’t allow in the office. Yet, apparently he has made a rule change, at least for today. He sets two clinking glasses and bottle of Dad’s best whiskey on my desk.
“What’s this?” I question, lifting a brow.
“Something I like to call fuck-it-all-let’s-drink.” I can tell he’s stressing about something. The creases on his forehead are much more noticeable, and the bags beneath his eyes certainly don’t lead me to believe everything is perfect for him right now. I almost feel bad for being an asshole to him. Almost, but not quite.
“You don’t allow drinking during office hours, so what’s the catch?” I purse my lips, leaning back in my office chair and waiting for him to deliver the real truth.
When he doesn’t do much other than sag into the chair in front of my desk and start opening the whiskey, I know something is wrong.
“Remember when you were there for Fallon and I wasn’t? When I was a man that was too weak to know what was right there in front of me?” he questions, pouring whiskey into the two glasses he brought with him.
I exhale slowly, not wanting to think about Fallon and his happily fucking ever after with her. Reed fulfilled Dad’s dying wish, but he left me feeling off course; lost, and spiraling out of control.
“I remember. I also remember you would’ve gotten to that point eventually. You just needed a little push.” The truth is, Reed didn’t know what the fuck he was doing. He wanted Fallon, but he was too afraid to admit it to himself, and he didn’t want to fuck up their friendship since Fallon had practically been an adopted child to my parents after her own died in a car accident. She meant everything to Reed.
“Well,” he laughs, tipping the glass up to take a swig of his drink. “I’m right back where I was before, except this time, it’s being a dad that has me freaking the fuck out. I’m absolutely fucking terrified, and I can’t say anything to Fallon because she’s already worrying about so much. It will be another thing on her shoulders, and she doesn’t need that.”
Okay, maybe he really does need to get day drunk.
“Come on, Reed. You’re meant to be a dad, just like Fallon is meant to be yours. It’s in your DNA.” I take my own drink and down it in one gulp. The burn of the whiskey warms me from the inside out, but it also reminds me of the mystery woman that I sank deep inside of a few weeks ago.
Reed shakes his head, setting the glass down on my desk. He’s conflicted, I can see it in his eyes. He’s also scared and worried beyond belief.
“What if I’m not a good dad? What if I’m shit at being a husband? What if I don’t know what I’m doing and I disappoint Fallon? I’ve hurt her enough. She deserves better.” His rambling carries on, and I know if I have to listen to him for one more second, I’m going to replace the glass he gave me with the bottle of whiskey instead.
“Stop,” I order, my blue eyes meeting his. “Stop doubting yourself. Dad had huge plans for you and this company. He laid them out in the will. Hell, he practically pushed you and Fallon together when he was still alive. You’re bound to succeed, so stop your bellyaching. At least you aren’t screwing nameless women to deal with the pain.” The last part slips out before I can stop it.
Fuck me. I don’t want to be having this conversation right now, not when it’s obvious Reed needs the support, not me.
“Please don’t tell me you’re drowning yourself in women and booze.”
The sting of disappointment in his voice can’t be missed, and really, I don’t know why I care what he thinks. It’s not going to stop me from doing either. “I’m doing what makes it easier to deal with things. If women and booze help then I’m going to use them, even more so when both are more than willing.” I smile mischievously, though the feeling doesn’t last long.
“You need a woman, Ry, someone to keep you grounded.”
I roll my eyes at his condescending words. “Coming from the one who has a hard time believing he’s good enough to be with the one single woman who loves him more than life?” I raise a questioning brow. “Plus, I thought I did find someone, or at least someone that could’ve been what you’re talking about…” I trail off, dropping my gaze to the floor. Reed waits impatiently for me to continue, and I can feel the heat of his stare against my face, even as I continue to look at the floor as if it’s the most interesting thing in the room.
When I don’t finish the sentence or make an effort to do so, he finally speaks. “And? What happened?”
Jesus, why did I even bring it up? This isn’t a conversation I want to have with my brother, not today anyway. I already feel shitty enough after seeing the look on Ava’s face before she left my office yesterday, and it’s not like I can tell him about that fiasco. He’ll never understand what I’m feeling or why I did what I did.
If anything, he’ll kick my ass if he finds out I propositioned my new assistant. He won’t give a damn, even though he’s now getting married to his.
“Ryker?” Reed’s voice is hesitant, something I don’t remembering him ever being. “Talk to me. Please?” he implores. “Let me help you.”
“Help me what?” I lift my head, taking in his concerned features. I’ve seen my brother in a number of situations, his face running through probably a million emotions, but I’ve never had this particular one directed at me before.
“There’s nothing that can be done. I had a one-night stand with a woman a couple weeks ago. It was…” I lick my lips, unable to stop myself from thinking about that night. The woman haunts my dreams, just like Ava haunts me during the day.
“A woman? What’s her name? Did you get her number?”
I narrow my eyes, grabbing the whiskey bottle and pouring myself another glass. I don’t like the sudden interest Reed’s taken in my love life. The man just barely got his shit together. The last thing he needs to be doing is giving advice.
“Yes, a woman. A very hot, very fucking sweet woman. It was the most amazing sex I’ve ever had, unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before, but when the deed was done, I fell asleep with her in my arms. Then, because I was drunk as hell, I didn’t get her number or her name before she snuck out on me.” I growl in frustration, more with myself than him, before bringing the glass to my mouth and pouring the brown liquid down my throat.
Then, I notice he’s smiling. Like full-on, creepy clown, grinning. The look on his face pisses me off more, and I glare over at him.
“Why are you smiling like that? You look like a jackass.” Maybe not a jackass, but definitely a Chester Molester type.
Reed’s smile changes into laughter that fills the room. “You are so fucked,” he tells me, shaking his head. “You may not realize it yet, but you are.”
I have to force myself to keep both hands around my empty glass instead of crossing my arms over my chest and pouting like a child. He must be able to read my mind because his laughter grows, until it’s echoing off the walls of my office.
“So what are you going to do? Are you going to find her?”
My eyes roll so hard I’m surprised they don’t get stuck. Did he not just hear me say I didn’t get her name or her number? “How am I supposed to do that? I didn’t get any of her information, remember?” My agitation grows, and I slam the glass down on the table before I stand, running my hands through my hair and pacing from one side of my office to the other.
“I’ve never seen her in that bar before, so it’s not like I can just hang out and hope she comes back in. I’m not sure I would recognize her if she did.” I’m so pissed off. Pissed at myself, at the situation, at Reed for making me tell him about it. Okay, maybe he’s not actually making me tell him, because I need to talk to som
eone.
Nonetheless, it didn’t have to be him; it could’ve been Remy. At the very least, he wouldn’t have asked me a million questions and made me repeat myself ten times.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Reed silently watching me unravel. He says nothing, and it makes me feel even more unbalanced.
“If what you felt was real, and it was meant to be, then she’ll find her way back to you. If it isn’t, then you’ll find love with someone else.” Reed states all of this this so matter-of-factly, like he’s loved and lost thousands of women, when we both know it’s always been Fallon for him.
“How about you go back to being the CEO and stop trying to be Dr. Phil.”
Reed stands, grabbing the glasses and the bottle of whiskey. I have half a mind to ask him to leave it here, but what good am I to the company if I’m drunk?
“I love you, Ry, even if you don’t believe it. Even if you’re mad because I made you talk about all the shit going on inside your head. I just want you to know that Dad would be proud of you right now. He’d be proud to see you stepping up to the plate. I know I am.” His words are sincere, and I know he is thankful to have me here to run the ship while he’s gone.
Unfortunately, I know I’m not worthy. I’ve done nothing to make him proud of me. I’m grief-stricken and taking out my pain on everyone around me. I need to find the one woman that makes all the noise inside my head shut up. Maybe then I can stop treating everyone around me like shit.
“Thank you, Reed. I mean it.” I grimace at the words, feeling like this talk with him has ripped the Band-Aid off my wounds.
It’s not until Reed turns to leave that I notice a red high heel peeking out right outside the door, and I know just who it belongs to. I start grinning at the thought of having the sassy blonde in my office again.
“You might as well come in, Ava.” A gasp meets my ears before she pops out, blonde curls bouncing and dark amber-colored eyes locking onto my blue ones as Reed slips through the doorway, barely pausing to give her a curt nod.
When she comes view I notice the heat in her normally creamy white cheeks. Is she embarrassed to be discovered eavesdropping?
“I’m… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt anything.” She’s speaking so fast I can tell without a doubt that she’s anxious, maybe even scared, and that’s the kick to the balls I need. I know taunting her the other day pushed things too far.
I wave off her apology. “Don’t be. I’m the one who should be sorry. If I made you uncomfortable in any way, I apologize. I have a lot of shit going on, but none of that is your fault. Taking it out on you was wrong.” She looks up at me, her pretty eyes wide with shock, and I feel the need to explain, even though I’m sure she heard plenty while she was listening to my conversation with Reed.
“It’s been a rough couple of weeks, and I’ve been pushing everyone around me away. All I wanted was to be an asshole in peace, but I’m sure you’ve noticed that my brothers have this wonderful ability where they dig into whatever is bothering you so the wound can never scab over.” I try to smile at her, but it falls flat.
Sympathy crosses her features, and while I would normally hate anyone feeling sorry for me, I’m hoping it means she’ll forgive me for being such an ass, so I’ll take whatever I can get.
Her hand comes up to rest on my arm, and she steps just a little closer. She’s near enough for me to smell her light perfume, and I’m hit once again with the feeling of déjà vu. Something about her scent is familiar, but I can’t place where or why.
“It’s okay, Ryker.” Her soft voice soothes me in a way I don’t understand, and I find myself leaning closer to her. The way her body stiffens when I do, though, is like a bucket of cold water being thrown on me.
Ava doesn’t trust me or my motivations at all. I’m going to have to work hard if I want to earn her trust, and deciding whether or not I should is a decision I won’t be taking lightly. I’m not sure what to say or if I should say anything at all, but before I can decide, she removes her hand and takes a step back.
“It’s getting late. I should probably head home.” She’s looking up at me like she’s half hoping I’ll ask her to stay, but that’s not what either one of us needs right now.
As much as I want to ask her, to offer to feed her or do just about anything so she’s still here, I don’t. “Yeah.” I have to clear my throat in order to continue. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” It comes out more like a question than a statement, and I cringe inwardly, not wanting to show any weakness where she’s concerned.
Ava’s face falls as disappointment fills her eyes, and I almost take it back. I hate seeing that expression on her beautiful face. She should always be smiling, laughing, and happy. Thankfully, she doesn’t give me the chance, and without another word, she leaves my office, taking all the warmth with her and leaving me alone in the cold, sterile room.
When I walk into the apartment I share with Marie and Gabby, I’m met with grumpy stares. I find the two of them lying on opposite sides of the couch with their faces buried in their phones while Sixteen Candles plays on the TV in the background.
“You two look like death warmed over,” I tease them, as I take off my heels and set my purse down on the small dining room table.
Marie flips me off, but Gabby just grunts, saying, “Well, my vagina feels like it’s trying to eat the rest of my body, so yeah, I probably don’t look so hot.”
I blink, her comment causing panic to race through me as I pull out my cell to look at the date on the screen.
“It’s that time of the month again already?” I mumble the question under my breath, mainly to myself, before pushing my phone back into my dress pants. I’m not experiencing any cramping or the usual cravings I have for mint chocolate chip ice cream, and I should be.
“You haven’t started yet?” Marie sits up as if she can read my mind, looking at me with eyes full of concern. I shake my head no, but cover up any further questions with an easy response.
“No, not yet, but I’m sure I will be soon. We’re like clockwork around here. Always in sync with each other.” I smile, half lying to myself and to Marie. She eyes me thoughtfully, like she’s trying to read further into my words.
The anxious feeling that fills my stomach when our eyes collide annoys me. I’m still upset over what happened between us, but I also don’t want to be. I want things to be normal, like they were before I brought up Ryker. Instead they’re tense, almost like a line has been drawn in the sand with each of us standing on a different side. I want to ask her what her problem is, but I’m also scared. The only possibility that makes sense is she and Ryker had some kind of relationship, and if that’s the case, I can never go there with him again.
“What’s for dinner?” I’m hoping a change in the subject will distract my mind from thoughts of Ryker having sex with Marie. Those thoughts along with what my period being late can mean will drive me crazy if I let them. Being late is the last thing I need, especially since I can’t remember if Ryker and I even used a condom.
Gabby’s answer makes me giggle. “Sleep. Sleep, alcohol, and Midol. My own personal concoction.” I’m not at all surprised. Most of the time she drinks an entire bottle of wine and begs me to watch an entire season of Grey’s Anatomy.
“So, should I just order a pizza?” Marie doesn’t answer and Gabby merely grunts. Fine. If they don’t want to choose, I’ll order one for myself and they can figure themselves out later. All I want is to get out of my work clothes and have my freak out in peace.
When I make it to my bedroom, I close the door and sag against it. It feels like there are a thousand secrets floating between all of us, the weight of most of them weighing heavily on my shoulders—this thing with Ryker and his up-and-down emotions, Marie’s strange hate for Ryker, and now the fact that my period is late. I’m choosing to stick my head in the sand and ignore that last one for now. It’s not like I can change anything now. It’s almost too much for me to bear, though. I squeeze my e
yes shut and will away the tears trying to escape them. I will not cry. I refuse to.
After changing into a pair of pajama pants and a tank top, I sit on the edge of my bed, clutching my phone in my hands. I know I should pull up the app I have on it that will tell me exactly when I’m due, but if I don’t look, I won’t have a reason to panic. Plus, there’s that whole head in the sand thing. That’s what I’m telling myself anyway.
Besides, let’s be for real. This entire month has been stressful. Between the papers I had to write for school, all the internship interviews and rejections, Mom’s latest drama with my father… and of course, the night I had with Ryker and the way he treated me when we “met” again, it’s no wonder I’m out of sync. Stress can cause problems with your body, it can cause your cycle to be late, or even cause you to miss periods altogether. I’m almost positive I read that somewhere once.
Oh God… What will I do if stress isn’t the problem? The thought makes me nauseous. I can’t afford a baby right now, and there’s no way Ryker will believe me if I tell him I’m actually the woman from the bar and that I’m pregnant with his baby. The entire situation has my thoughts going a million miles a minute and I just can’t deal with it all right now.
There’s a quiet knock on my bedroom door, startling me, and I find myself rushing to the door without much thought. When I twist the knob, I pull it open with way more effort than I need to, and when I see Marie standing in the doorway, my heart lodges in my throat.
“Can we talk for a second?” Her voice is soft, almost timid, the anxious look in her eyes telling me how uncomfortable having this conversation makes her.
I find myself wondering how what happened between her and Ryker, and how it will affect our friendship. She steps into the room, stopping right in front of the bed. “Of course, Marie. You’re my best friend, why wouldn’t we be able to talk?”