How Does Aspirin Find a Headache?

by David Feldman

  Most of all, women wailed about the dearth of stalls in women’s bathrooms. Nothing makes men prouder about their gender than cruising into a men’s room at a ball game or concert while women stand glumly in long lines. Just in case men haven’t noticed it, women wanted to point out that their anatomy is slightly different from men’s. Even if women had more stalls in their restrooms and fewer make-up, grooming, clothing, and conversational distractions, it would still take longer for them to urinate than men. Several readers sent us graphic descriptions; Sharon Brandon was more discreet:

  Men have more plentiful “opportunities,” shall we say, in their restroom, while women are often limited to a small number of closed, private stalls. I hope I don’t have to go into grade school health class review to explain any other possible time-consuming differences to you between men and women.

  No, thanks.

  Another reader made it clear that even if a particular gaggle of women entering a restroom is childless, women with children can drastically affect restroom timing. Among the factors that Judy R. Reis of Bisbee, Arizona, cited in prolonging restroom visits are the following: “helping the kids go potty,” “waiting for the women ahead of them to get done helping the kids go potty,” and “relinquishing their places in line to the women whose kids can’t wait to go potty.” Obviously, some of the kids in the women’s room are boys, not girls.

  Most of the female respondents to this question were feeling a little sorry for themselves. But we know that all types of facilities are provided for women that are not given to men. At times, women’s rooms look more like Ethan Allen showrooms, with all sorts of paraphernalia. Rosemarie Gee of Ridgefield, Washington, reminisced with us about the restrooms in the library at her alma mater, Brigham Young University. They provided couches and chairs, so a woman could eat lunch there, the only place besides a small room in the basement where one could sit, eat, and study at the same time. Some women’s rooms even had beds! Rosemarie also mentions that many women’s rooms contain full-length mirrors and chairs by the mirrors, to assist in undertaking all the tasks that make women take so long in there in the first place.

  But even stripped of all fineries, Gee insists that a woman’s task in the restroom is far more arduous than a man’s, and she supplied us with a handy comparison chart to see how a man and a woman’s trip to the restroom is likely to compare (your results might differ):

  Men Women

  Open door or enter doorway Open door or enter doorway

  Step to urinal Choose a stall

  Open door—maneuver in cramped quarters

  Hang up purse/coat

  Flush to ensure fresh water

  Wipe off seat

  Put on seat cover

  Unzip Unzip and pull down pants or lift up dress and pull down nylons.

  Do business Do business

  Use toilet paper

  Flush (optional) Flush

  Realign clothing

  Gather personal possessions

  Open door in cramped area

  Set personals on counter

  Wash hands (optional) Wash hands (likely)

  Dry hands (conceivable) Dry hands (optional)

  Gather stuff

  Leave Leave (eventually)

  Obviously, if all the talking/make-up/child care/grooming behavior occurs as well, it is a wonder women ever emerge from the restroom at all. But faced with the thrilling prospect of rejoining their waiting specimens of male hunkitude, they always seem to come out eventually.

  Submitted by Ray Bauschke of Winnipeg, Manitoba. Thanks also to Douglas Watkins, Jr., of Hayward, California; Edward T. Coglio of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; Ish Narula of Upper Darby, Pennsylvania; John Heggestad of Fairfax, Virginia; Bruce Kershner of Williamsville, New York; T. Wenzel of Charleston, West Virginia; and Alice Conway of Highwood, Illinois.

  A complimentary book goes to Rosemarie Gee of Ridgefield, Washington. Thanks to the scores of readers who duplicated sentiments expressed above.

  FRUSTABLE 2: Why do men tend to hog remote controls and switch channels on television sets and radios much more than women?

  Right after the publication of When Did Wild Poodles Roam the Earth?, Consumer Reports published the findings of a survey conducted among their readers about remote control usage (thanks to one of our favorite correspondents, Kenneth Giesbers of Seattle, Washington, who called this to our attention). Their study indicated that men are more than twice as likely to hog the TV remote (38 percent to 15 percent). And not only do men “channel surf” more often than females (85 percent to 60 percent); they are less likely to complain about their mate’s surfing (66 percent to 43 percent).

  Although the Frustable, as posed, refers to channel switching on radios as well, we received little response to radio station hopping. In fact, Jennifer Talarico, of Bethel Park, Pennsylvania, while concurring that men switch car radio channels far more often than women, did not agree that they exhibited this behavior at home. What accounts for the discrepancy? “At home, a man is too busy watching all three hundred channels on television to be preoccupied with the radio.”

  How can we account for this male obsession? More than a few folks had a simple explanation, most eloquently stated by Donald Wiese of Anaheim, California: “Maybe men are simply jerks!”

  Certainly a plausible theory, Donald. Indeed, most of the conjectures were not ones that would deepen men’s self-esteem. About the sunniest possible explanation that we received was that men are obsessed with gadgets and will play with them regardless of whether it advances any particular goal. Most correspondents, though, found far darker reasons for hogging remotes:

  1. Men Need to Dominate and Control

  “The remote control gives the man power. Plain and simple,” responds Kelli Zimmerman of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Lauren Goldfarb of Huntington, New York, issues a call to arms:

  The male gender tends to dominate more than the female. Like it or not, the reality is that this world is still run by men. So you ladies at home, take control and refuse to give up the remote. It may be well worth it in the end.

  So the battle of the sexes is waged not in boardrooms but in living rooms. Concurring with this sentiment is Kathy Smith of New Bern, North Carolina:

  My husband is a “remote controlaholic” because he can’t control me—it’s a displacement behavior that gives him a feeling of accomplishment and superiority.

  2. Men Are Hunters

  Jerry Seinfeld has postulated that channel surfing is a modern equivalent of hunting for men. Lauren Goldfarb concurs:

  In the cave days, men were hunters while women nurtured the family. The action of flipping the channels on the remote control is similar to the hunt. A man with a remote control in hand is a man with power, hunting for something exciting and interesting.

  3. Men Require Instant Gratification

  “Perform on command or I’m off,” says David Ohde of Weaverville, California, is the watchword of most men. Lane Chaffin of Temple, Texas, adds that because men watch so many sporting events, where dead time is clearly demarcated, this tendency is exaggerated.

  4. Men Are Promiscuous

  Why do men require instant gratification? Because they are used to insisting upon control/dominance, according to the readers mentioned above. But Lauren Goldfarb is back with a theory on this subject, too:

  Most men don’t like to commit or get attached to just one show, which is not all that different from a typical teenage boy. A girl dreams of her wedding day while a guy dreams of how many women he will “have.” Why just have one when you can have them all?

  Several readers indicated that women are much more willing to commit, in time and emotion, to one program. Who would have thought that remote control hogging could be directly traced to a fear of intimacy?

  5. Men Are Mice

  Men are animals, insists Karen Flanery, of Casper, Wyoming, and act like any other creature that scientists have investigated:

  Remote controls are a prime illustration of
the response-reward theory advocated by early psychiatrists. Mice, simians, canines, and felines soon learn to press a lever that will give them a reward (say, a piece of cheese). If the response is intermittently rewarded, the drive to press buttons intensifies.

  Men didn’t receive much sympathy from our female readers, but we did receive a poignant note from Ruth M. Johnson of Tacoma, Washington, which testifies to the primal connection among males, channel surfing, and the beloved remote control:

  This is purely a matter of control. The remote control device is an ideal way to drive a female out of her mind.

  My husband died of Lou Gehrig’s disease in 1991 and the remote control was the last thing he was able to operate. At the end, he had to have a holder on his palm, which held a pencil to enable him to punch the buttons, but he never failed to change the station the minute I became engrossed in a program or to skim the channels so fast my eyes would glaze.

  It was the only thing he could do for himself, so I let him carry on. The television has been on exactly three times since he left me for a better place.

  Submitted by Patricia M. Delehanty of Poughkeepsie, New York.

  A complimentary book goes to Lauren Goldfarb of Huntington, New York.

  FRUSTABLE 3: Why do some women kick their legs up when kissing?

  Some of you believed that leg-kicking kissers are merely imitating the lovers in romantic, old movies. But this begs the question. Then why did the heroines in old movies kick their legs up?

  Most of you were prosaic. You thought it had to do with a simple, anatomical truism: Women tend to be shorter than men. Bob Kowalski of Detroit, Michigan, had a typical response;

  Maybe women kicking a leg up while kissing has something to do with most women having to reach up to kiss their love! Most men, being taller, kiss down. The leg up may be an automatic balancing response, and they are probably unaware that they even do it.

  Of course, kicking doesn’t bring them straight up; it also moves women forward, as Kelli Zimmerman explains:

  Women stand on the tiptoe of one leg while lifting the other so that they can lean forward. Why we don’t just ask the tall men to bend down a little bit is beyond me.

  Maybe, Kelli, the reason is that the leg kicking facilitates more than just lip clinching, as David Ryback postulates:

  Women…can get their upper bodies closer to the men of their desire by standing on tiptoe and kicking up one leg behind them. If you find this hard to believe, try standing close to a wall. Then lift one leg behind you. You’ll find yourself “hugging” the wall.

  We just did. Thanks, David, that’s the closest we’ve come to an intimate relationship in months.

  Although all of these explanations make some sense, we have a nagging suspicion there is more to the issue. Lane Chaffin of Temple, Texas, is the only reader who indicated that height is not the only factor in leg kicking. He has never seen a short man kick up his leg when kissing a taller woman,

  probably because it would make the man feel weak and the (taller) woman would feel uncomfortable because she would be in a physically awkward position. Maybe the leg kicking started as a woman’s exhibition of trust in her male companion.

  Could be. Our informal survey indicates that leg kicking occurs only in public places (a classic place: airports, when loved ones greet one another). And leg kicking is clearly a romantic gesture: If it were merely a convenience to compensate for height differences, why don’t daughters kick up their legs when kissing their fathers good night? Or little kids when kissing their taller grandparents?

  We wouldn’t be surprised if the reason why we find leg kicking in public places is that the gesture is used by the woman, usually subconsciously, as a marker, to stake a claim that “this man is mine”—to the world and to other women in particular. Outlandish? Not really. When we see couples strolling down the street, with the man putting his arm over the shoulder of his companion, it is a way of telling the world, “She’s taken.” Yet in the privacy of their own home, husbands and wives seldom walk hand in hand from the dining room to the kitchen to do the dishes after a meal or while taking the garbage outside.

  Anyone have any better theories?

  Submitted by Jerrod Larson of South Bend, Indiana. Thanks also to Rosemary Lambert of Kanata, Ontario.

  FRUSTABLE 4: Women generally possess more body fat than men? So why do women tend to feel colder than men in the same environment?

  Many readers tackled this Frustable, but we were most impressed with the arguments of two professors, especially because their two discussions complement each other. Dallas Brozik, chair of the department of finance and business law at Marshall University, theorizes why the extra fat might make a woman feel cooler rather than hotter than men in the same room:

  The reason that women may feel chilled even with an extra layer of body fat has to do with the body’s attempt to maintain a central core temperature. As the body tries to maintain 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit, the blood system is used to transfer inner heat to the skin, where it can be radiated away. Heat transfer can only be accomplished through a temperature gradient across a boundary, and the additional layer of fat makes it more difficult for women to rid themselves of excess heat.

  At this point the body has two mechanisms it can employ to rid itself of the excess heat. First, it could raise the core temperature to establish the proper temperature gradient with the ambient external temperature. But the body is trying not to heat up, so this mechanism is self-defeating. The second mechanism is to sweat so as to bring evaporative cooling into play. The extra layer of fat makes women sweat a little more than men under the same conditions. And when this sweat is evaporated, the nerve cells in the skin feel the chilling effect; hence, women will tend to feel colder than men under similar conditions.

  But other physiological forces are at work, deftly explained by Richard Landesman, of the department of zoology at the University of Vermont:

  Body temperature is the result of metabolism, and, at rest, the bulk of the heat to warm the body is produced by the liver, heart, brain, endocrine organs, and skeletal muscle. The latter is responsible for about 30 percent of heat production at rest. During exercise, the heat produced by the muscles contributes significantly to body temperature.

  There are two temperature regions of the body: the core, whose temperature remains relatively constant; and the shell or surface, whose temperature tends to vary with physical and environmental changes.

  There are many mechanisms to raise and lower the temperature of the body: for example, shivering raises the temperature and sweating lowers the temperature. Another way to conserve heat is for the blood vessels in the skin to vasoconstrict, thereby shunting the warm blood to the core of the body. One obvious symptom of vasoconstriction is for the skin to feel cold. Now with that preamble, the answer to the Frustable…

  1. As a general rule, men have more muscle mass than do women; therefore, men can maintain their body temperature at rest without feeling as cold as women.

  2. Women do have more subcutaneous fat compared to men. This layer serves to give the women body shape as well as to provide a layer of insulation. When it is cool, the blood vessels in the skin vasoconstrict, shunting the warm blood into the core of the body. The skin now feels cool. The layer of insulating fat, while conserving the heat in the core of the body, contributes to the skin remaining cool.

  Submitted by David Held of Somerset, New Jersey. Thanks also to Bruce Kershner of Williamsville, New York.

  Complimentary books go to Dallas Brozik of Huntington, West Virginia, and Richard Landesman of Burlington, Vermont.

  FRUSTABLE 5: Why is the average woman a much better dancer than the average man?

  Fred Astaire, Mikhail Baryshnikov, and Gregory Hines aren’t exactly chopped liver in the dance department, so we know that men can dance well. The conundrum is why the average man doesn’t.

  Our readers came up with five possible explanations:

  1. Girls Practice Dancing More T
han Boys

  This was by far the most popular theory among Imponderables readers. Jody Jamieson Dobbs’s response was typical:

  Women start at an early age dancing with their moms, sisters, and friends—they don’t need male partners. Men wouldn’t be caught dead dancing with each other. So females get to practice from a very early age and, let’s face it, practice makes perfect. (I’m an excellent dancer and my husband is an excellent hunter and fisherman.)

  Ah, the typical American family: the wife is graceful, while the husband is proficient at protein-gathering.

  But why don’t boys dance together…

  2. Dancing Is for Sissies

  Western culture has deeply conflicting feelings about male dancers. On the one hand, fictional depictions of ballroom dancers, ranging from Fred Astaire to John Travolta to Gene Kelly to Patrick Swayze, invariably portray the male as virile and extremely attractive to women. Yet the general attitude of the average boy has not changed much since Robert Coulson of Hartford City, Indiana, was avoiding the dance floor: