Cuts like a knife

by Dana Monahan

  Almost an hour later, Kelly was sleeping while Brody, Billie, and Trent looked through the window where little Matthew was sleeping. Black stubble covered his jaw and his eyes were red from lack of sleep, but Brody’s smile animated his worn features. “I can’t believe it. Kel’s a mother and I’m an uncle. Look at him. He’s better looking than all the babies in there.”

  With an unlit cigar dangling out his mouth, Trent shook his head in agreement. “Of course; look at his uncles. Good thing we made that pact. It’s obvious he got our good looks through osmosis.”

  “You guys are too much.” Billie chuckled at their conceit. “Kel does all the work and you two take all the credit. I’d better go call Brad and tell him the news.” With a last look at Matthew ensconced in the crib, his bottom facing in the air and his tiny thumb in his mouth, Billie strolled off to find a phone.

  “I can’t believe our little Kel is a mommy.” Trent told Brody with awe. “Do you remember when we were kids and she’d make us talk nice to that ugly rag doll she had?”

  Brody nodded and had to smile at the mental image. Kelly, with her pigtails and missing a tooth, had gently handed to him a scraggly doll with one eye and tattered dress and expected him to kiss it. Her mother had bought her numerous new dolls, but Kelly had favored her first with unwavering devotion.

  “I was worried about her.” Trent continued. “I thought she’d lost it when James went to prison. It’s good to see her so happy.”

  “Yeah, it hurts to lose the one you love,” Brody turned his attention to the phone booth where Billie was talking animatedly to Brad, “but life goes on.”

  Chapter 15

  Two years later

  Sitting on the edge of the bed, Brad leaned down and kissed Billie on the tip of the nose. She opened her eyes and grinned sleepily at him. “Good morning, sleepyhead.” He nuzzled her neck, causing her to giggle. “I’m sorry I won’t be here tonight.”

  “I know, I know. You’d rather hang out with the guys.” Grabbing her night shirt, one of Brad’s flannels, off the floor, Billie pulled her arms through it and scooted out of bed. Brad was already dressed for work in jeans and heavy work boots, and followed her into the kitchen, where she poured herself a cup of coffee.

  “That’s not it.” Leaning his hip against the counter, he frowned. “I can’t turn away any work. Being available for all the jobs is how I became foreman. I’m making a name for myself.” Brad pulled himself up on the counter and maneuvered Billie between his knees. With his arms resting on her hips, he bent down to kiss her cheek. “I know we don’t get much time together, but that’ll all change when I’m established.”

  “You mean when you’re the best.”

  “I’m already the best,” he grinned cockily. “I just have to prove it. Then I’ll be able to pick and choose any job I want.”

  “There’s always next year.” Billie sighed and gave in. “Give me a kiss and get outta here before you’re late.”

  “My crew would understand if I’m a little late.” Brad unbuttoned her shirt, letting it fall open. “I’ve told them what a sexy wife I have.” He dropped his gaze to her breasts and moved his hands up to cradle them in his palms.

  Billie moaned softly arching forward. Lowering his head, he flicked his tongue over her nipple until it hardened. He switched to her other breast, leisurely nipping and sucking before bringing his mouth back up to hers. Billie could feel his erection against her stomach as she leaned into the kiss.

  “Looks like I have a real problem.” He pulled away with a sly grin. “You can’t let me go to work in this condition.”

  Brad maneuvered her back a little to step down. Lifting her long shirt above her bare hips he grabbed her by the waist to gently lift her to the spot he had just vacated. Then lowering his hands to her buttocks, he pulled her to the edge of the counter. She was ready for him when he slowly entered her.

  After Brad left, Billie wiped the false smile off her face and walked glumly to the front window. Today was her third anniversary, but she would be spending it alone. Billie was used to it though. With Brad’s work schedule, they had very little time together. Long hours of studying kept her busy, but it wasn’t enough.

  The first few years of marriage were full of promises. Brad would take some time off next year. There is always next year. Now, as she watched Brad’s truck disappear around the corner, she realized it was a promise he wouldn’t keep. Brad wouldn’t slow down until he reached the top, had his own company. Then what? He would have more responsibilities to attend to.

  When Brad made foreman last year, he had started putting in more hours than before and volunteered for all the jobs, most taking him out of town. Sometimes he would be gone for weeks at a time, staying in hotels with his crew, until they finished. Billie had used her free time to take on a fuller schedule of classes. Although their goals were on track, their marriage barely existed.

  Because she didn’t want to complain, or put a strain on the time they did have together, Billie never voiced her thoughts to Brad. In fact, he seemed perfectly content with the arrangement. With shoulders slumped, Billie stepped away from the window. After taking a shower, she would call Kelly. That would cheer her up. Besides, it was time to tell her the news.

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  Kelly was buttering her toast, when she noticed the silence. With a giggle, she followed the trail of toys to her bedroom. Matt was curled up asleep in the middle of her bed. Baby powder covered his legs and half her blanket. Wet tissues, that had been removed one by one, were carelessly tossed in a heap by his head.

  “You’ve been busy, haven’t you?” Kelly asked his sleeping form, as she lifted him up to dust off his chubby legs. He instinctively snuggled close, but slept through it as she pulled the blanket off the bed. “I should’ve known my diaper bag would be tempting for you. Sweet dreams, little one.” Gently, she lay him down on the sheets and kissed his cheek.

  While Matt was taking his nap, Kelly took advantage of her free time by cleaning up his mess, the kitchen, picking up his toys, and getting herself ready for the day. It didn’t bother her one bit that the house would be in chaos again seconds after he woke up. His energy was endless and she loved every minute of it.

  When Kelly was caught up on her chores and dressed, she dropped on the couch to enjoy a moment of quiet. The phone rang as soon as she closed her eyes.

  “Hello?” Kelly answered on the first ring.

  “Hi, it’s me. I’m not catching you at a bad time am I?” Billie asked.

  “No. My little hellion is sleeping. What’s the matter? You sound kind of down.” On an afterthought, she added. “By the way wish you a happy anniversary. I was going to call you later.”

  “Not too happy. Brad just left for a job. He’ll be gone a few weeks.” Billie took a deep breath and got to the point. “Kel, I don’t think I’m happily married anymore. It just sort of hit me this morning.” Billie took a bite of leftover pizza she’d grabbed out of the fridge, and talked between bites. “Well, that’s not true. I knew it a long time ago, but I didn’t want to accept it.”

  “Is it Brad? Did you guys have a fight?”

  “No, it was nothing that simple. We play house together just fine. But that’s it. I feel like I’m acting out a part.” Billie sighed, “It’s hard to explain. I guess I’m just lonely now that he’s gone and feeling sorry for myself.”

  “Do you just want a sounding board, or do you want to know what I think?”

  “That sounds scary.” Billie laughed. “Okay, let me have it, but be gentle.”

  “How do you feel about Brad? Do you love him?”

  “Yes, I love him.” Billie was embarrassed and surprised by her slight hesitation. “Yes,” She added on a stronger note.

  “How, like a friend or husband?”

  Bingo, Billie thought, admiring and hating Kelly’s knack for reading the situation. “I guess it’s too late to tell you I don’t want your advice. I didn’t realize there was a difference before.
I just figured if the love was there, everything else would fall into place. Oh, what have I done?” Billie groaned.

  “Your love for him goes deeper than friendship or you wouldn’t have made it this far. You need to stop being so dramatic.” Kelly giggled, knowing Billie would put things out of proportion. “All you need to do is decide what you want and make it happen. Can’t you just talk to Brad? You certainly have been emotional lately. Didn’t you just call me last week, telling me how much you love him?”

  “Yes. I think I’m having an emotional breakdown. There’s more.” Before Billie could say anything, Matt had grabbed the phone from his mother and started pushing all the buttons with glee. Billie could hear Kelly tickle him into a fit of giggles; then he was silent.

  “I gave him his bottle. He has my lipstick all over him like war paint, so I know I’ve got a mess waiting for me in the bathroom. I guess he woke up when the phone rang in the bedroom.” Kelly’s voice held humor instead of irritation, as she spoke of Matt. He stopped sucking on his bottle long enough to give her an impudent grin and tangle his arm in the phone cord, before continuing to drink. Kelly laughed, kissing him on the forehead. “This little guy keeps me so happy. I love him so much. I can’t wait till you have one of your own, so you’ll know what I mean.”

  “Well, that was the other news. I took a test yesterday morning. I guess I aced it.” When she heard Kelly gasp on the other line, Billie laughed. “You got it. I’m pregnant.”

  “Oh, I’m so happy. Isn’t it great?”

  “Not that great. I’m totally thrilled about it, but I feel like crying all the time. Some stupid song had me in tears yesterday. And I’m craving pizza constantly. I have dreams of pizza.”

  “I remember.” Kelly chuckled. “I craved chili drenched in hot sauce.”

  “Stop, stop, you’re making me ill.”

  “What about Brad? How does he feel about it?” When Billie’s laughter came to an abrupt stop, Kelly shook her head. “Why haven’t you told him? Maybe this is exactly what the two of you need.”

  “It’s not a planned pregnancy. We wanted to be established in our careers before we even thought about having kids. I’m not sure how he’ll react.” Billie grinned into the phone, “Besides, I wanted to tell you first.”

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  Billie paced nervously across the living room floor, stopping occasionally to look out the front window. The scene was set. A bottle of sparkling apple cider and two wine glasses were on the kitchen table, illuminated by candle light. All she needed was Brad. Anticipation knotted in her stomach, along with heartburn, but she’d had two weeks to summon up the courage to tell him the good news. Billie stopped pacing at the sound of his truck pulling into the driveway, wiping her palms nervously on her jeans. It was time.

  Brad was glad to be home. He gathered the bouquet of flowers off his dash board with one hand, his brief case with the other, and sprinted into the house. He saw Billie and greeted her with a long, slow kiss.

  “Man, you look great,” he said, pulling back slightly to admire her in a flowered short dress. “The one thing that gets me through the long hours is knowing that I get to come home to you.” Brad offered her the flowers, flashing his dimples in a winning smile. “I have great news. We had a ton of overtime and I have some money burning a hole in my pocket. What do you say we go out for a special dinner tonight? I have some good news to tell you.”

  Glancing over her shoulder, Brad noticed the candlelight, and tilted his head in question. Letting go of Billie, he walked over and picked up the bottle. “Would you care for apple cider?”

  The way he had smiled at her and pulled her close, had Billie feeling guilty over her earlier thoughts. “I have some news for you, too.” Nervously, Billie rubbed her hands together. His good mood was infectious, and she blurted out the news, excitedly. “We’re going to have a baby!”

  Brad was silent for so long, Billie felt her smile fade. She expected him to be surprised, maybe a bit concerned, but she didn’t expect to see anger light up his hazel eyes.

  “How could you do this?” He said too harshly, setting the bottle down with a loud thump on the black lacquer table. He saw Billie wince at the thought of him scratching the new table, but he didn’t care. “We’ll never get ahead if we start a family now. I don’t want a damn baby.”

  “I didn’t do it on purpose, Brad, but it’s not as if I could return it or undo what’s happened.” She was hurt by his careless attitude and burst into tears.

  “I’m sorry. Don’t cry. You never cry.” In three long strides, Brad was beside her and pulled her into a hug. Awkwardly, he patted her back, wondering what to say.

  “It’s my hormones. Don’t take it personally. I even cry when I’m happy, now.” She lifted her tear-stained face to his and gave a timid smile.

  Looking into her face, eyes shiny with tears, was his undoing. Brad felt his anger melt away and pulled a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “Well, I guess the first thing to do is buy a house.” Brad said, glancing around at their small, one bedroom place.

  It was a one bedroom, one bath cottage with a large living room and small kitchen. Although it was small, it looked nice with the new pieces of expensive furniture they’d been acquiring slowly. First a tan imitation leather couch with matching recliner, then a stereo and big screen T.V., and finally the black lacquer kitchen set. It was perfect for a couple starting out, but hardly the right size for a family of three. Brad had a mental image of a small child in dirty diapers running rampant and leaving sticky messes in his wake. The whole situation did not appeal to him the slightest. In fact, he was happy with their current way of living and felt a fresh onslaught of irritation for the unborn baby that would, no doubt, bring havoc into his perfectly tailored life.

  “Can we buy one in the mountains, up in Big Bear?” Billie asked hopefully; being unaware of his bitter thoughts. “It’s only an hour away. I love the trees and the snow in winter. It reminds me of home.” Billie missed Angel Falls, the small town, the beautiful scenery. In the two years they’d lived in San Bernardino, her dislike for smog and heavy traffic had increased considerably.

  “We’ll start house hunting this weekend,” he said, forcing a smile. “I just got a deal building a tract of condos in L.A. I’ll be real busy, but it means a lot more money. We have to keep this place. My uncle rents it to us cheap enough, and I’ll stay here when I get off too late to drive all the way home. That mountain road is a killer in winter.”

  “It’s a deal. I’m used to being home alone.” But not for long, Billie realized happily, thinking of her unborn baby. “I love you!”

  That night, they made love and stayed up late discussing baby’s names. Morning brought in a new day, and for Billie, hope for a new future.

  Only two months were spent looking for her new home. While Brad was at work, Billie dropped out of her summer classes and would drive up the mountain. After checking out numerous homes, she finally found what she was searching for. She couldn’t wait for Brad to see it.

  Brad joined her for the short drive the following weekend. With false enthusiasm, he listened to her expound on every detail of their potential dwelling place.

  “Isn’t it great?” Billie pointed to the large oak tree, filled with squirrels and birds, protruding from the middle of the front deck. A wild burrow roamed up the street, pausing to nibble on a large bush in the yard. “Come on. You’ve got to see inside. The rock fireplace is perfect.” Pulling Brad in the house, Billie spun around in the middle of the living room. “It’s perfect.” In her excitement, she didn’t notice Brad’s lack of enthusiasm.

  The real estate agent, an older man with gray hair, stood quietly in the doorway as Billie took Brad on a quick tour through the back bedrooms. After he’d seen every nook and cranny, Brad walked over to him and outstretched his hand.

  “I guess we’re buying. My wife has her heart set on this one.” He laughed when Billie let out a happy scream and caught her just in time as
she launched herself into his chest. “Tell me again how much you love me.”

  “I can do better than that. When we get home, I’ll show you.” Billie blushed slightly when she remembered the man standing behind them. Brad set her down and she faced the agent with a bright smile. “Sorry about that. I guess I got a little carried away.” Barely able to stand still in her eagerness, Billie rushed out the door calling over her shoulder, “Let’s go sign some papers”.

  Chapter 16

  In awe, Billie lay still on her bed, watching as her unborn baby sent ripples across her extended stomach. Her hand lifted slightly as she felt the movement. The pressure against her rib cage was slightly painful on occasion, but she was smiling as she gently massaged her palm over what she could only assume was her baby’s foot.

  She knew Brad was in the other room watching T.V. and she wanted to call out to him to share in the moment, but his indifference to her pregnancy had become increasingly apparent throughout the last five months. Their arguments had increased with her size, creating a barrier to the easy companionship they had always shared. Brad considered ‘the child,’ as he put it, a burden, - an expense they weren’t ready to take on. Billie wouldn’t let his lack of enthusiasm daunt her, choosing to stay in the bedroom when he was around.

  When she was alone, Billie enjoyed their new home. She spent many hours on the porch appreciating the view and fresh air, or taking long walks into the mountains. When winter hit, she spent her time in front of the fireplace reading books, or calling Kelly, who understood the way she was feeling. Kelly was the one she could share her joy with. She could understand how exciting pregnancy could be.

  “Billie, come here!” Brad yelled out, his tone urgent. You’ve got to see this. Hurry up.”