Wild Swans

by Patricia Snodgrass

  Althea clamped her teeth down on tongue. She almost told him where he could stuff his self righteous and arrogant attitude but decided that blasphemy would cost her a week’s worth of Hail Mary’s. If her mother didn’t drag her down to the priest, she had no doubt whatsoever that Hank would do it himself. By the hair if necessary.

  She reached an ugly epiphany. I’m marrying a man who will be exactly like my mother. Except for Sunday mass we’ll be going single every day, maybe more. And there will be a long endless line of confessions and babies and christenings and confirmations, and lies and more lies, all based on making us look better than we really are. And the price of this is my body and soul. And my own personal integrity.

  Her heart plummeted at the revelation. By the time I truly have time for myself, I’ll be old. And in the end, all my children will grow up, and then fly away like crumbling Spanish moss on a hot summer’s day. I’ll die, old and lonely; a broken down broodmare no longer wanted nor needed.

  “Look,” Hank said, trying to sound contrite, “I don’t mean that I’m going to turn you into a slave or anything. I understand you’re trying to do right by me, and I appreciate it. I do. But I have a duty to my parents and so do you. We have to go through with it.”

  “Even though we know that this whole thing is a sham perpetuated by greedy people?”

  “They’re still our parents,” Hank replied. “Like I said earlier, the Bible tells us to honor our father and mother. Besides, there’s nothing saying we can’t go our separate ways after we marry. You can go off and live in Paris if that’s what you want. And I can go on to work for my grandfather.”

  “Ha ha, you’re funny Hank. Don’t you remember telling me your folks were as broke as mine?”

  “I’ll work something out,” Hank replied, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

  “Until our parents demand you have an heir, and then what?”

  “And then you have a son and he’ll be cared for by a nanny and you can go your own way.”

  “Until your parents demand something else from us.”

  “That won’t happen.”

  “You don’t have the guts to stand up to them now, what makes you think you’ll be able to stand up to them in the future?”

  “Althea,” Hank pleaded, “Please. Let’s not argue, especially not on a night like this.”

  “What about you, Hank? Is all of this worth giving up your dreams? Tell me, who do you love most fiercely, me or God?”

  Hank didn’t answer. And Althea walked silently beside him, occasionally looking at his profile in the moonlight. He is a sweet boy, she thought. And her heart ached for him. And I do like him. I really do, and I don’t think for a minute he’d force me to do anything I didn’t want. But he won’t be happy. He loves something higher than me. That much is obvious.

  **He’s got a good heart,** she heard Lindt say in her mind. She looked back and saw him and her aunt several hundred yards away laughing as they walked arm and arm. **He wants to do the right thing by you,** Lindt said. **And he loves his parents and doesn’t want to disappoint them either. You mustn’t be too hard on him. He’s as frightened and as confused as you are.**

  **I’m trying, but he’s such an arrogant ass.**

  **He thinks he’s doing the right thing.**

  **Fat chance. He needs to stand up to that dirty old man of a father of his and—**

  Mr. Lindt laughed.

  She looked back, and saw that he and Cally were deep in conversation.

  **And what are your intentions toward my tante?**

  **Purely honorable, I assure you.**

  “Come on,” Althea said, grabbing Hank by the arm and turning him sharply to the left. “Saint Bernard’s is right over there. Let’s go talk to Father Dupree. I see his light on in the rectory.”

  “Why? I told you I wasn’t going to seek sanctuary.”

  “Because it’d make our folks happy knowing we stopped by and visited before going to see that dreadful atom bomb movie, that’s why. Come on.”

  “And where do the two of you think you’re heading?” Cally called as she saw them veer off the deserted street. “To church,” Althea said laughing. “We’re fixing to elope.”

  They ran hand in hand across the parking lot, across the manicured lawn and up the steps. They stopped, gasping for breath as they stood at the shadowed entrance way leading into the foyer.

  “Do you suppose Father will talk to us?”

  “I’m sure of it. He’s not just my priest, he’s a family friend. I used to stop by here a lot as a kid.”

  Hank nodded. He started to pull the heavy wrought iron door handle toward him when she stopped him by placing her hand on his. He hesitated for a moment and looked down at her, and she up at him.

  “I need to know, I must know. Despite all the lies and deceit that our parents have done to get us together, despite the wedding and all of that, I have to know one thing.”

  “What’s that?” Hank asked.

  She looked into his eyes, his face etched by the light pouring from bluish white street lamps. She could see his eyes glistening in the dark. She hesitated for an instant, her heart pounding as she met his steady gaze.

  “You don’t want to see Father do you?” Hank asked.

  She shook her head.

  “Then what do you want?”

  “I want,” she whispered, “I want you to kiss me and tell me that you love me.”

  “Right here?” Hank asked, shocked. He lowered his voice. “Here? Now? In front of the Church? In front of God?”

  “Why not?” Althea asked. “In a few days we’ll kiss before God and the congregation. So why not do it now?”

  “Because we’re not married. It just wouldn’t be right.”

  “Do you love me then? Even a little?”

  “Althea—”

  “—do you think you could love me, given time? Just a little?”

  “I don’t know Althea. Please stop asking me these questions.”

  “And you’re willing to go through your whole life with me, without one spark of love.”

  Hank lowered his head.

  “Did you buy me a ring?” she asked, changing the subject. “Every girl should have an engagement ring.” She put her hand on his arm and looked up at him. “Didn’t you buy me one?”

  “No. My father purchased our rings. They’re at home. Why?”

  “I want to see it.”

  “No, you can’t.”

  Althea tilted her head, confused, anger rekindling. “Why ever not?”

  “I don’t exactly know why. Besides,” he said laughing nervously, “what difference does it make? Soon you’ll be wearing it for the rest of your life.”

  “There is no engagement ring,” Althea said slowly. “There’s only a wedding band and that was bought by your father and I’m not allowed to see it until the wedding. Ain’t that a bit peculiar?”

  Hank blanched, and then looked down at the ground.

  “You do know, don’t you?”

  Hank let a long sigh. “It’s because the wedding ring is very expensive. My dad had to take out a huge loan for it. He has a second one for you, a plain gold band. After the wedding you’re to take the ring off and he’ll take it back to the jewelry store for a refund.” He bit his lip as she stood still, stunned at the revelation. “Afterwards I’m supposed to instruct you not to mention the ring again. To tell you that it’s too expensive to wear for every day, and that it’s in a safe deposit box at the bank in Vivian for safe keeping. Or something like that.”

  “I’ve never heard such an awful thing,” Althea hissed. “He bought me the ring and he expects to return it the day of the wedding?”

  “We’re broke Althea, we can’t afford expensive things. I’m sorry.”

  “And here you are going on about nannies and trips to Paris, and giving me a song and dance about finding a way to make it work out. But that’s a lie too, isn’t it? It’s not going to work out at all. It’s a sham, an awful sh
am and I hate you all.”

  “Not so loud, Althea,” Hank hissed.

  “I’ll be as loud as I want,” she shouted.

  “I told you, I’m a man of my word. I’ll make it work.”

  “I’m not marrying you,” Althea said. “My mother can shove me into that stupid dress and drag me by the hair of my head to the altar but none of you can force me to say ‘I do.’ It’s wrong, it’s evil. It’s a mortal sin, and I won’t have it!”

  “But Althea, what about your word to God and to your mother?”

  “I didn’t promise either one of them anything,” Althea snapped, anger surging, sharp and bitter. “I’m not some brood mare available for purchase, despite what the outlandish Miss Ruby Thibodaux thinks.”

  “I don’t think that, Althea,” Hank said, “and I don’t think your mother believes that either.”

  “I don’t care what you think. That’s what is going to happen. And despite the lifetime of interference with our folks there’ll also be a lifetime of bitterness and disgust towards ourselves and each other. Don’t you understand? Your duty isn’t to your parents, or to me, but to yourself and to what you were born to do. In spite of all this noble talk about sacrifice and duty and keeping your word, you forgot about your duty to one thing, and that’s to God. You belong to God, and not to any of us. That should be your duty above all others.”

  “You make marrying you sound like a mortal sin.”

  “Isn’t it?” Althea stepped away from him. “Isn’t that exactly what all of this conniving is about?”

  Hank rested his head on the heavy oak door. It was clear to her that he was conflicted.

  “Will marrying you be a sin?” he whispered.

  “It wouldn’t be if you just said you loved me. Or you could love me. But no. I can see it in our eyes, so don’t bother trying. If you had the nerve you’d bolt through those doors and never come out again. I don’t blame you for wanting it so bad, I really don’t. In fact I want you to. I want you to go inside right now and tell Father Dupree that you want to be a priest more than anything in the world. Even more than being with me.”

  “Even if I do, what then? Your mother will just find another man for you to marry.”

  “No she won’t. I’ll be eighteen and an adult. Then there’ll be nothing she can do to stop me. Oh yes, she can throw me out but who cares? I’m more than willing to leave and never come back.”

  “But the church—”

  “—I’m not as in love with the church as you are. I’d just as soon as drop it as the rest of it.”

  “Althea,” he hissed, shocked. “That’s blasphemy.”

  “So what if it is? Do you honestly think I care at this point?”

  Hank was stunned into silence. Althea bit her tongue, coming dangerously close to telling him the whole truth about herself and her past. She thought about it, but the look of hurt and confusion on his face was almost too much to bear.

  “You can’t go out into the world alone, Althea,” Hank was saying, misjudging her expression. “It’s just not safe for a woman to do that.”

  “Then say you love me then. Kiss me now and say it.”

  “I can’t Althie, you know I can’t.”

  Althea stepped further away from him, dropping her arms helplessly to her sides. Her heart ached. She felt strangely scorned and profoundly hurt and even somewhat relieved. “Don’t worry about me, then. I can take care of myself. You go into the church, please, and talk to father. Tell him who you truly love. Marry the Holy Mother Church. I know the two of you will be very happy together.”

  “Althea,” Hank said sadly, but Althea had already turned on her heel and ran out into the darkness.

  She heard Hank’s faint entreaties as she flew down the street, felt Mr. Lindt’s emotions flowing into her mind. His concern, his compassion, the warmth of his thoughts did not comfort her. She ran, tears streaming down her cheeks, her chest burning with anger and self loathing.

  It wasn’t until several blocks later that she stopped. She leaned against a building covered in salt and pepper colored brick, struggling for breath, fighting a stitch in her side. She looked around. She was alone. Hank hadn’t followed her, nor had Cally or Mr. Lindt. Nor could she feel his comforting presence in her mind.

  He left me too, she thought. Over the past few weeks her ability to hear him went from a fuzzy noncommittal sensation to knowing that she was now a part of him, and he of her. She knew Lindt was far beyond the beings that walked and ate and worked and played and made love in their marked out little territories. Mrs. Ramsay had been right about that. What else did the old woman know, and did that knowledge lead to her death?

  That’s ridiculous, Althea told herself, dismissing the idea. How can fireflies know something like that?

  But it’s more than that isn’t it? she considered. It’s shadow things that cause sick headaches and buzzards roosting where they shouldn’t and healthy trees turning to dust for no reason whatsoever. She shook off a chill.

  Althea’s thoughts returned to Mr. Lindt. She was growing to love him, not as a woman to a man, but as a daughter to a father. She knew that Cally was in love with him and she was certain that on some level he felt the same way. But she also sensed a bittersweet sadness in the man whenever Cally got too close emotionally.

  Lindt and Tante are very preoccupied. Althea noted. He partitioned his mind off from me. He doesn’t want me to know what they’re doing out there in the woods where nobody but the man in the moon can see. But I know. I know.

  Feeling strangely abandoned, Althea pushed herself away from the building and started to walk deeper into town. Before she knew it she was standing on the sidewalk in front of a small strip mall. She passed two small dress shops and a bistro before pausing at the Army recruiting office at the end of the mall.

  The recruiter is still there, Althea thought. Her heart, eager and yet afraid, pounded against her ribs. In the distance, Elvis crooned, ‘it’s now or never.’

  **It’s time**. Lindt’s thoughts flowed through her mind. The tone was somewhat bemused and she wondered what he could be laughing about.

  **You asked Hank earlier if he had the backbone to step into the church and declare himself. Now, I find you standing at another door, wondering the same thing about yourself. Can you declare yourself, Althea?**

  “I’m not afraid,” Althea said aloud despite the desperate sound of blood pounding in her ears. Determined, she grabbed the glass door’s handle, and stepped inside, looked at the recruiter, who was tidying up for the evening and said, “I want to be a nurse. Where do I sign up?”

  Chapter Thirteen

  It was just past midnight on the eve of the wedding when Althea slipped virtually naked into Hanks’ room. She wasn’t surprised that he hadn’t bothered to lock the door, since nobody locked their doors on the bayou. Moonbeams from the huge gibbous moon hovering over the great pines spilled from the window, outlining her lithe silhouette as she glided to his bed. She knelt beside him, watching him sleep. His pale skin virtually glowed in the moonlight, his blond hair bleached silver, his eyelids dark against the lower lids.

  Her heart beat loudly, so loudly in fact that she was certain the whole house could hear. She pulled her hair away from her face and tossed it over one shoulder. She hesitated for just a moment, leaned forward, and gently kissed him, her hair lightly brushing his cheek.

  Hank woke with a start, his eyes wide and frightened.

  “Children of the night,” Althea whispered with a false Transylvanian accent, “what music they make.”

  “Althea? What are you doing here? And why are you quoting that awful movie?”

  She placed her fingers on his lips and whispered, “This is your last chance. Make love to me, Hank. Now. Let’s wake up in each others arms as lovers should.”

  “You know we can’t,” he hissed, appalled. “It’s a sin. Besides, Mr. Lindt is next door; your mother and aunt are upstairs. What if they hear? ”

  “So what if th
ey do?” She moved closer, her breasts grazing his bare chest. “It’s not like Mom will call the whole thing off because you took my virginity a day early. How could she, when she has so many plans for our happiness.”

  “Althea, no.”

  “Please,” she whispered. “In a few hours it’ll be dawn. We’ll have to get dressed and go to the church for that dreadful wedding. Tonight there’ll be a banquet in our honor. So a few short hours is not going to matter anyway.”

  “It will to me,” Hank said swallowing hard.

  “It’s because you’re a virgin too,” Althea said, sliding the straps of her gown down over her shoulders, exposing her breasts. “But we can take care of that.”

  “I thought you wanted me to join the priesthood.”

  “Did you talk to Father?”

  “No.”

  “Then you still intend to go through with this.”

  “Yes. It’s my—”

  “Your duty, yes, I know.”

  “Please, Althie, go back to bed. Say your rosary or something.”

  “I don’t want my rosary. I want you. I have wants, Hank. A boy I once knew told me that a man has needs. But a woman has desires. I want you to make love to me. Now. Here in the moonlight.”

  “Althea, please.”

  She straddled him, feeling his erection poking tentatively against his pajamas.

  “Your mouth says no,” she said, moving her hips slowly in a circle, “but your body is begging for it.”

  “Stop it,” Hank said, pushing her off. “Please. You’re being as sinful as Eve.”

  “That’s the point.”

  “Go to bed, Althea.”

  “Not yet, mon amour,” Althea said, running her index finger along the smooth lines of his chest. “We’ll go to the church and when the time comes for me to say ‘do you take this man?’ I’ll say no.”

  “You can’t do that,” Hank said, shocked. “You can’t show defiance in front of our families, in front of the priest. What would everyone say?”

  “What? Do you think this is some kind of reflection on your manhood? Are you scared they’re gonna think I’m too much woman for you to handle? I know your daddy thinks so. In fact he’s just dying to take your place in the sack.”