Water Witch

by R. J. Blain

  “Explain,” the judge announced. “And should another lie pass your lips, I will have you ejected for contempt of court and you will face perjury charges. You will not sabotage this young lady’s case with your lies. Frankly, I’m disgusted you would even attempt to lie in the presence of an angel. I will be filing to the association about this.”

  The prosecutor turned a rather intriguing shade of gray-green. “I apologize, Your Honor.”

  “I question your sincerity.” Judge Davids grunted, shook his head, and regarded the angel with a scowl. “Your opinion?”

  “He does not have the accused’s interests at heart because he feels that people like her do not deserve to be rehabilitated. He feels that she is without value because she does not meet his personal ideals, and it is his mission to make certain she stays in correctional facilities where she belongs, as she at least serves a purpose there. If her parole terms are made in such a way that she has no hope of adhering to them, the state will continue to benefit from her incarceration.”

  The judge drummed his fingers on the polished wood surface in front of him. “I have crossed many fools in my time overseeing this courtroom, but you’re one of the worst of the lot. You sit there, having heard the circumstances, yet still you believe that load of steaming drivel?”

  “Most people call that shit, Your Honor,” I said. “It’s okay. He’s probably one of those.”

  “Those?”

  “Egotistical assholes who look down on people, especially women, whenever he crosses paths with them. He’s probably one of those creeps who tries to blame a woman for being raped because he believes men aren’t actually responsible for their own actions.” I smiled my sweetest smile. “I’ve seen plenty of court sessions where petty, worthless scumbags stand there and blame the victims, so their guilty clients walk while the victim suffers. There ain’t no justice in that, and I think it says a lot coming from me. I’m no shining example of morality, but even I understand that’s wrong. You should have one of those unicorns stab him. He probably deserves it.”

  The stallion swung his head around to regard the prosecutor, flattened his ears, and snorted. A blob of slobber splattered onto the man’s face.

  “Okay. That’s cool. Could you do that again?”

  Apparently, unicorns could spit, and both had good aim, hitting the attorney in the face.

  “That is the coolest thing I have ever seen happen during a trial. Like, the only way this could get better is if someone brought me a cupcake.”

  The angel disappeared in a flash of golden light.

  “For some reason, I don’t think she’s gone off to get that jerk a towel. I mean, she might. She’s an angel and all. What’s the proper etiquette for thanking a pair of unicorns for doing me a big favor? I can’t spit nearly as well as they can. Until now, I really didn’t know unicorns could spit.”

  My attorney rubbed her brow, shook her head, and heaved a sigh.

  The angel returned, and she held a cupcake in her hand, which she set on the stand in front of me. Pink powder sparkled on top of the white icing. “Using my own money, I purchased this for you. It is not a violation of your parole if someone who can legally acquire pixie dust, such as myself, gives it to you as a gift. It is low grade, and it won’t do much more than ease some of your stress from being in court.”

  Cupcakes didn’t exist in prison, and I’d never been out long enough to try one. I swallowed, staring at the confectionary offering with wide eyes. “I can really have this?”

  “It was mine, and now it is yours to do with as you please.”

  I broke the cupcake into three parts, grabbed the two larger pieces, and scampered down from my seat and offered a share to each of the unicorns. I had no idea what to say to them, but without me having to say a word, they accepted my offering, eating out of my hand with their ears pricked forward. Only once they’d licked my palms clean did I return to my seat and wipe my hands off on my jeans before trying a bite.

  Every now and then, we were rewarded for good behavior with sugar, usually in the form of a small packet meant to be added to a prized cup of coffee. The cupcake took everything I knew about sugar, turned it on its head, and punched me in the tongue. The pixie dust, even in such a small dose, helped.

  “I just gave her something she has never had before, something most in this room would take for granted. Most would have eaten the cupcake. After all, it is meant for one person, correct? But instead of simply eating it, she broke it into pieces and shared it to two beings who had showed her an act of kindness, however odd that act of kindness may be; they came to her defense when she was treated poorly. This is not a human beyond rehabilitation. This is not someone who is malicious by default.” The angel’s attention fell on the prosecutor. “You could learn a lot from her. A dishonest human should not be working to incarcerate an honest one. Perhaps she has made poor choices, but without the base understanding of society you have, how can you expect her to abide by society’s standards? No one has taught her. The system has created her ignorance, and it is the responsibility of the system to cure her ignorance, although with men like you involved, it comes as no surprise to me why I have been summoned. Honesty is not one of your virtues. You lack virtue in general. The court would be wise to check deeper into your activities. Should you continue to obstruct, I am sure I could assist this court with that.”

  “As far as threats go, that’s a good one. I mean, if an angel told me I was scum and should go bugger off, I’d go bugger off, because angels are honest, and angels will do exactly as threatened. They’re not threats. They’re promises.”

  “Most astute,” the angel replied.

  “I’m not the one on trial here!” the attorney blurted.

  “Maybe you should be,” my attorney replied.

  The stallion kicked a hoof at the prosecutor’s table, and while he didn’t connect with the wood, the man recoiled, tipping over his chair and falling to the floor.

  “Are you really sure I can’t steal the stallion, Your Honor?”

  “You don’t need to steal him, Miss Kellen. I already told you you’ll be responsible for his care following this session. The only question is how your parole will be handled in light of what we have learned. You have a lot to learn before you’re ready to be integrated into society. You’ll require someone to tutor you in common life skills.”

  “You mean like how money works?”

  “Precisely.”

  “Is it really that important as long as I use it instead of just taking stuff?”

  “It is.”

  “Well, that sounds like a problem.”

  “Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to give you a six-month parole, during which you will be tutored. The terms of your parole will be simple. You are to keep the company of both unicorns without losing either one of them, and you will attend tutoring sessions as assigned.”

  “That sounds a little too simple,” I replied, narrowing my eyes. “What’s the catch?”

  “Those unicorns are trouble. I wish you the best of luck. You’re going to need it. In six months, we will evaluate your case, and I will request an angel for verification, as I’m of the opinion the state of North Carolina has been participating in child abuse and child labor, and they have used a government-hired attorney to hide the reality of this situation. Your punishment for the theft of a cupcake laced with pixie dust is to participate in a six-month rehabilitation program outside of prison, after which you will return for another hearing.” Judge Davids lifted his gavel and cracked it against the block. “You’re free to go, Miss Kellen. You will be required to check in with a parole officer of my choosing once a week. Do not forget to take your unicorns with you.”

  “But where will I go?” I asked, at a complete loss of what I was supposed to do.

  Usually, the corrections officers dumped me at a temporary housing solution, which amounted to a room with a few bunks expected to be shared with other former inmates without anywhere else to
live.

  “The state has been making arrangements for where the unicorns will reside. As their caretaker, you will have to stay with them.”

  “In wherever it is unicorns live?”

  “Well, they won’t be staying in a stall. They’ll make excellent house guests, so don’t worry about that. You’ll be staying in a house in the country.”

  “A what?”

  “A stall is where horses live, and I’ll leave you to discover what the country is for yourself, as your record implies you’ve been limited to urban settings.”

  Life sounded complicated. “With all due respect, Your Honor, this sounds like a terrible idea. I have no idea what I’m doing.”

  “A tutor will be provided.”

  “What did that poor bastard do to deserve that?”

  The judge sighed. “I’m sure your tutor will be a willing volunteer.”

  I doubted I would ever understand people or the court system. “But why?”

  “I expect for the same reason you shared your cupcake with the unicorns, Miss Kellen.” The judge rose, and the court clerk hurried through the formalities to bring the session to an end.

  With a furrowed brow, I escaped the witness stand and returned to my attorney’s table. “But what am I supposed to do now?”

  “Well, we figure out what to do with your two unicorns, and then I’ll talk to the judge to find out where this residence is.”

  The angel laughed. “I believe the male unicorn expects to be ridden.”

  “No way. They can be ridden?” I regarded the large animals in surprise. “That doesn’t seem safe. Or easy. How does one ride a unicorn?”

  “The same way one rides a horse,” the angel replied.

  Engaging in a staring contest with a headless being took work, but I managed.

  “You sit on his back, Layla,” my attorney explained.

  “But how?”

  “You straddle him.”

  “That’s not a helpful answer.”

  “I expect she’ll have to experience it for herself,” the angel said, her tone amused. “Life is about to become an adventure for you, Layla. I do recommend against stealing things in the future, though I expect you’ll find things that don’t technically belong to you finding their way into your hands. Just try to return them—for the most part.”

  “Did you just encourage me to steal stuff?”

  “I am encouraging you to return the stuff you will inevitably steal as you try to adapt to your new living situation. It would be foolish of me to assume you will venture into the world without any incidents.”

  “For the most part?”

  “Some things stolen you probably shouldn’t return.”

  “Like what?”

  “Hearts come to mind.”

  “If I steal a heart, the person will die, because you need your heart to live.”

  “Wrong type of heart,” the angel replied.

  As I didn’t understand what she meant, I decided to somewhat change the subject. “Are you really sure I can’t steal a unicorn?”

  “You don’t need to steal one, Layla. They’re going with you of their own free will.”

  “I know good psychologists that work for the state. They might be able to help the unicorns return to sanity.”

  The angel sighed, and my lawyer laughed before saying, “They don’t need a mental evaluation, Layla.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “For the first time since this fiasco started, yes. I’m sure. They’re unicorns. How much trouble can they be? It’ll be a good experience learning how to take care of someone else, even if that someone has four hooves and can be ridden. I imagine it’ll be pretty hard to screw up caring for a unicorn.”

  “The male one jumped pretty good when I slapped his ass.”

  The angel fluttered her wings, and she giggled. “He was not expecting that, so you startled him most gloriously. Do continue to do things like that. It is good to teach him his place.”

  Then, in a flash of silvery light, the angel disappeared.

  “Why do I need to teach him his place?”

  “Good question. I suspect you’ll find out soon enough. There’s a sitting area outside, so let’s go there and see about what needs to happen to have you moved to your new home. Is there anything you need retrieved for you?”

  I stared at her. “What do you mean?”

  “Personal possessions.”

  “Like my toothbrush?”

  “Oh, dear. This is going to be even more of a challenge than I thought. Come along, Layla. There’s no time better than the present.”

  The unicorns followed us, and whenever I snuck peeks at the pair, the male glared at me with his ears turned back. “I pissed off the male.”

  “I’m sure he’ll be fine. Everything I’ve read about unicorns implies they’re very intelligent. I don’t know if they can speak English, but I expect you’ll find out soon enough.”

  “Why does that sound threatening?”

  “It sounds threatening because you’re smart and being followed by two unicorns, which are horses with weapons attached to their heads.”

  I regarded the male with narrowed eyes. “If you even think about stabbing me with that weapon attached to your head, I will cut it off. We clear?”

  He lifted his head and snorted at me. I considered myself fortunate he didn’t spit in my face.

  “And don’t you spit on me, either. It’s probable you’re going to starve to death unless I can steal what you need, because right now, the details of what the hell I’m supposed to do with you are hazy at best.”

  “Don’t worry, Layla. We’ll sort everything out, and you won’t have to steal anything to feed them.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I sure hope so, because I’m still stuck on where the state found two unicorns in the first place.”

  “Personally, I think only an idiot would assign me as their caretaker.”

  “I just hope I can teach you enough about life in society before you leave the courthouse today to get you started, without it being a disaster from the first day.”

  “I wish you luck. I’m pretty sure you’re going to need it.”

  Chapter Three

  A state worker with a briefcase, which he handed to me, came an hour after the trial’s conclusion. “That has everything you’ll need to settle.”

  Considering my reading skills were only a little better than my math skills, I held the briefcase out to my attorney.

  “Please tell me you’ve been reading the documents you’ve been signing, Layla.”

  “If I told you that, I’d be lying. I do know how to spell my name, and in my defense, I mostly have the basics covered. Those documents just use excessively stupid words.”

  “We tend to call that legal jargon.”

  “I think I’ll stick with excessively stupid words.”

  As though sensing my attorney might turn on him and kill him with the power of her voice alone, the state worker fled. His flight annoyed both unicorns into stomping their hooves and snorting.

  My attorney cracked open the briefcase and spread out papers across the table. I spotted one of the cards they liked to give me whenever I escaped prison for a few days. Pointing at it, I asked, “So, that thing becomes money?”

  “It’s a debit card. It takes the money you want to pay with from an account that contains the money you’ve earned. You can only spend the amount of money you’ve earned from that account.”

  “Let me guess. I’m going to need math and numbers to understand how that all works.”

  “Essentially.”

  “Great. And counting to ten ten times isn’t going to cut it, is it?”

  “Not even remotely.”

  “All right. We may as well get this over with. What else are you going to tell me that I’m not going to like?”

  “I’m pretty sure the entire briefcase is going to be like that, but everything will be things you should know. We’ll start with the ren
tal agreement.”

  “The what?”

  “Rental agreements are how people loan a property to someone else. You pay rent to live in a place you don’t own. According to this paper, the state will be paying your rent for a period of six months, after which you’ll have to move somewhere else or take on the burden of payments.”

  “Why are they paying this rent for me?”

  “I’m assuming the judge decided the state would be doing that because they used you as child labor illegally, and angelic verification gives him a lot of rights to make such edicts. In this case, he found the state guilty and you innocent, so the state will have to pay you for their crimes. It seems the state wasted no time agreeing to some of the judge’s terms; the signature on this is from today, so I’m assuming the judge contacted another angel and fast-tracked processing. Usually, this sort of thing takes months. They’ve gone and done my job for me, honestly.”

  “They have?”

  “In this case, I’d be recommending you press charges, and another attorney, a prosecutor from another state, would come in and handle the trial. I would still be available for you, but as you’re no longer the defendant, the nature of the case changes substantially.”

  “The more you tell me, the less I like it. Is that normal?”

  “Well, I am a lawyer. That is often part of my job, telling people things they don’t want to hear. In your case, once you are able to figure out how everything works, you’ll be much better off. The gaps in your education are a major concern.”

  I pointed at the unicorns. “I bet they could teach me.”

  “I’m not sure they’re formally educated on the ways of the human world.”

  “They are probably more educated about it than I am.”

  “Pardon my intrusion,” a deep-voiced man said before strolling into the room. My brows shot up. While an angel made sense visiting a court, the last thing I expected was a hotter than sin, dark-skinned beauty of a man strolling in sporting a tail and leathery wings. “I’m here to provide instruction for a Layla Kellen?”

  The stallion’s ears pinned back, and he lashed his tail while his sister whinnied, a sound reminding me of laughter.