The Secrets Women Keep

by Fanny Blake

  ‘Having longed for her to have a boyfriend, now I almost wish she hadn’t.’ But Rose didn’t mean it really; she just wished they’d tone it down a bit. The rest of them didn’t need to be repeatedly reminded of the excitements that might have vanished from their own longer-term relationships. In fact, she was delighted and relieved that Anna had found someone who had got her measure and could deal with it. Then she remembered. ‘And those tattoos! How could she ruin her body like that? She’ll regret it when she’s older, and the skin’s gone.’ She angled her own arm upwards and studied the loosening flesh with distaste, pushing at it with a finger.

  ‘They’re only young. Live and let live, that’s what I say.’ Eve rolled on to her back again to lie beached, knees bent, eyes shut, her chest rising and falling as she took several long, contented breaths.

  Rose was all of a sudden rocked with longing for Daniel. Every time she thought she had adjusted to his loss, the intensity of these rare but overwhelming waves of emotion took her by surprise. She wanted nothing more than for him to be here with her on the terrace, discussing their two daughters in the way they used to. Nobody knew Jess and Anna in the way they did, or shared the feelings that they had for them. How could they? Their frustrations with them would be forever underpinned by a bedrock of shared parental love. She sat up abruptly, blinking the tears away. ‘I can’t sit here any more. Have you finished your coffee?’

  Eve groaned. ‘Mmm. Why?’ She wiggled herself into the recliner as if she was bedding herself in for the duration. She straightened one leg and rotated her ankle.

  ‘I thought we might go for a walk.’ Rose was already on her feet, collecting together the coffee cups, absolutely certain of what she needed to do.

  ‘Now? Are you crazy? It’s way too hot.’ Alert to the change in Rose’s voice, Eve opened one eye to see what she was doing, then shut it again.

  ‘It’s cooler than it was,’ Rose insisted. ‘Besides, I think it’s time to go back there.’

  ‘Where? You’ve lost me.’ This time Eve raised her head and looked at Rose, obviously puzzled.

  ‘I want to go back to where Dan died. I haven’t been able to so far, but I need to go now. Will you come with me?’

  Eve sat up immediately, swinging her legs round. ‘Of course I will. If you’re sure that’s what you want to do. But don’t you want to go with the girls?’

  ‘I don’t want to force them into going there until they’re ready. They’ll ask when they are.’ The girls were already dealing with being back at Casa Rosa in their very different ways. Anna was apparently oblivious to the undercurrents, while Jess was being reminded of too much. ‘I could have gone with Simon. I know he wants to see where Dan died, but I can’t share that with him. Not yet. I need to be by myself, but I need someone with me. Does that make any sense?’ She stared in the direction from which Anna had come running on that terrible September day. She could almost see her coming towards her again.

  ‘I’ll be one second. Just let me get my shoes.’ Eve hoisted herself to her feet and disappeared inside, leaving Rose to pace anxiously around the terrace until she remembered the coffee cups and took them inside. As she washed them up, knowing that one second in Eve’s world meant at least five minutes, Simon and Adam walked in.

  ‘We’re going into town. That OK with you?’ Simon was looking more relaxed again. He’d put on a loose shirt over his shorts and flip-flops, and his smile had returned.

  ‘We’re going to get some wood to mend the roof of the shelter by the pool,’ added Adam, his shambolic holiday T-shirt and shorts such a contrast with Simon’s careful appearance. ‘There’s not much point putting everything away if they’re just going to get rained on in the winter.’

  ‘Yes, but you don’t have to do that now, do you?’ asked Rose, surprised that Adam was offering to do precisely the sort of work he’d refused to do for Daniel.

  ‘No time like the present.’ He was decisive, mind made up. ‘Jess has got the kids. She suggested I did it and Simon’s offered to help. We’ll only be half an hour or so.’

  Simon’s relief at being accepted by one of the party was palpable. His laid-back appearance hadn’t deceived Rose, and she was glad Adam was sensitive enough to have picked up on it. ‘Well, that’s fantastic then. Thanks. Eve and I are going for a walk. We’ll see you when you get back.’

  By the time they’d left the kitchen and she’d lined up the cups on the draining board, Eve was waiting for her on the terrace, having exchanged the sarong for a loose lilac shirt dress, a wide-brimmed straw hat and plimsolls.

  ‘However many outfits have you brought? That’s the third one in almost as many hours.’ Rose smiled, looking down at the shorts she had worn almost every day.

  ‘One for every occasion.’ Eve was undaunted by criticism of her carefully considered wardrobe. ‘Let’s go. If you’re sure you want to do this.’

  ‘I’m sure.’ It was as if something was drawing Rose back down that track to where they had found Dan. The time had come.

  Just as they reached the edge of the garden, she stopped. ‘One minute.’ She ran quickly back up the stones of the path to where she’d left her secateurs that morning. She picked them up and walked over to the flower bed, where she clipped off a stem from a white rose bush. She and Dan had chosen the plant together, one among several they had driven down here one long-ago spring. They had left the girls at a school sports camp to be brought by Eve and Terry with their cousins a week later, while they had driven leisurely through France, stopping for a couple of nights on the way. Their old banger was weighted down by a rocking chair and a couple of rugs on the roof rack, while the back seat and the boot were laden with plants, pictures and general stuff they thought they might need. They had stayed in small local auberges, neither of the names of which she could remember now. But she remembered the fun they’d had, drinking local wine from the barrel, eating omelettes and truites bleus, strolling arm in arm through narrow medieval streets, collapsing on to lumpy sagging mattresses where they lay curled around each other. How they had worried that the plants might not survive the trip, but survive they had, and this mass of scented white flowers was a constant reminder of that brief but magical interlude.

  She carried the flower to where Eve was waiting. ‘Winchester Cathedral, Dan’s favourite rose,’ she explained, touching the mass of white petals before holding it up for Eve to smell its honey-sweet fragrance.

  The walk seemed to take an age. Nothing like the panicked race from the house that they had made the last time. They exchanged one or two observations about the blaze of poppies along the roadside, the other wild flowers, or the unrecognised cry of a bird, but both of them felt the weighty significance of what they were doing. As they rounded the final corner before the spot where Dan fell, Rose felt unaccountably nervous. She slowed her pace, feeling her heart thumping against her ribs, grateful that Eve had the sensitivity to hang back. She looked around her. There was nothing to indicate the tragedy that had happened here, that had altered the course of all their lives. But what had she expected? That the grass on the verge would still be flattened where Daniel had fallen, leaving the imprint of his body there for ever? That the stones on the track would still be stained with her blood where she had scraped her knee as she knelt to hold him? By her foot a couple of large black beetles trundled across the track. There was no natural memorial here for Dan. The world went on without him, unmoved by his death.

  She knelt where she’d knelt before. Or was it where she’d knelt? She couldn’t remember exactly. There was nothing to signal the precise spot. As she bowed her head, she could feel the stones pressing sharply into her knees again. She leaned forward and laid the rose on the side of the road where nothing could run it over, as close as she could remember to where they’d found Dan’s body. She was dimly aware of Eve’s sniffs in the background.

  ‘I’ll never forget you, Dan,’ she said, too quietly for Eve to hear. ‘You still mean the world to me and always will. Simon
’s helped me to understand.’ The tears ran down her face unchecked. As she remembered her husband, she experienced a sense of profound peace that lulled her towards an even greater acceptance of what had happened to them.

  After a minute or two, she felt a hand on her shoulder. ‘Here,’ said Eve and thrust a tissue into her hand. ‘I had a feeling we might need these.’ She blew her nose as she stepped back, leaving Rose alone with her thoughts. But Rose wasn’t thinking. She was with Daniel again, feeling his strength and support. That was all she needed.

  Eventually she rocked back so the soles of her feet took her weight. Once she was standing, the two women hugged, alone together on the track as if nothing could separate them. But eventually they stepped apart, laughing at themselves. Rose rubbed at the indents on her knees from the stones. ‘They say that what hurts you makes you stronger. You know what? I think I am a stronger person now. Dan wouldn’t want me to put up with this nonsense from Jess. When we get home, I’m going to talk to her.’

  Eve looked sceptical but said nothing.

  ‘OK, but I’m going to try. And I’m so, so glad I’ve come here at last. Thank you. I couldn’t have done it with anyone else.’

  ‘I wish I could say it was a pleasure.’ Eve looked away, back to where Dan had lain, her eyes brimming with tears again. ‘But you know what I mean.’

  ‘I do.’ Rose gave her a weak smile and squeezed her arm. ‘Let’s go back. Now I know I can come here with the girls, and I can even bring Simon here too.’

  ‘Do you really want to do that? Isn’t it too private?’

  ‘No. Not any more. I want him to see. I want him to understand by being here what Dan and I had together. I want him to respect that, and I think he does. At the same time, he’s told me so much about Dan that I didn’t know. He was a much more complicated and conflicted man than I realised. I wish we could have talked about what he was feeling, and especially about what he felt about Simon, but he was ashamed, frightened of what might happen.’

  ‘Perhaps you wouldn’t have understood anyway.’ The suggestion sounded tentative.

  ‘You’re right, of course.’ Rose couldn’t keep the regret out of her voice. ‘I probably wouldn’t. It’s taken me months to begin processing all that’s happened. Poor Dan.’ She gave a long, heartfelt sigh.

  They walked the rest of the way in silence, arm in arm. Rose thought about her husband, wondering not for the first time what he’d make of her friendship with Simon. He might be shocked, horrified that she had found out the truth about him, but then perhaps he’d be relieved and glad it was in the open at last. She believed he would be pleased that the two of them had found such a strong connection, bound together by their love of him.

  As they neared the garden, they could hear Dylan shouting excitedly somewhere in the direction of the pool. Up at the house, the sounds of Dani’s shrieks travelled towards them, until one of her parents obviously caved in to her bedtime demands and she quietened down.

  ‘Between the devil and the deep blue sea,’ laughed Rose, jogged out of her introspection by her demanding grandchildren. ‘Which way to turn?’

  They stood, uncertain which direction to go in. Then Eve took the initiative. ‘I think we deserve a small drink. It’s almost six thirty. Prosecco?’

  ‘Under the walnut tree?’

  Eve nodded.

  ‘Let’s do it. The kids will be asleep soon. Then we can think about supper.’

  As they turned towards the house, there was a loud splash as someone dived into the pool. A blissful moment of silence followed: the peace that Rose had spent the past few days enjoying with Simon. Then, a second splash. Suddenly a woman’s scream shattered the balmy summer afternoon.

  ‘Jess!’ Rose wheeled round and ran towards the pool with Eve in hot pursuit, everything else forgotten. As they breasted the slope, they could see the drama being resolved at the pool’s edge. Anna was in the water, passing up a drenched Dylan to Rick, who was crouching on the edge. Beside them a frightened-looking Jess stood waiting to wrest her son from their arms. On the ground beside her were his blue armbands and her phone.

  Rose ran up to them, relieved to find them all in one piece. ‘Whatever’s happened?’

  No one spoke as Jess hugged Dylan to her, so tightly he began to fight against her hold. Anna was the one who replied, at her most casual. ‘Oh, Dylan just fell in the pool.’

  ‘I was swimmin’,’ the little boy said, his dark eyes big in his face, his hair plastered to his head, water running down his body. ‘Again! Again!’ He wriggled to be let down.

  ‘I think not,’ said Anna, bending over and twisting her hair to wring the water out of it.

  ‘Dylan, you must never do that again. Never. Do you hear me?’ Jess ignored the rest of them, fear and guilt making her shout at her son, who stared at her, stunned, not understanding why he deserved her fury. ‘You must never go near the edge without your armbands. We’ve told you over and over again.’

  The little boy’s chin quivered, his brow furrowed and his mouth opened wide to let out a great wail of distress. He stretched his arms out to Rose as she reached for him. After all, it was hardly his fault that his mother’s eye had left the ball. ‘Shhh. Shhh. Let’s put them on so it doesn’t happen again. Then you can go for a swim. Look, what’s this?’ Rose pointed at a green octopus on the plastic armband as she squatted down to pick up the first one and shunt it on to his arm.

  ‘Octopoo.’ He began to giggle, stabbing it with his finger.

  Beside them Jess was enveloping Anna in a bear hug as the words tumbled from her mouth in her rush to make amends. ‘I know it was all my fault. If I hadn’t been on the phone . . . He could have drowned. Thank God you were here. I’ll never be able to thank you enough. Not ever.’

  ‘Forget it,’ said Anna, sheepish despite her usual love of the limelight. ‘I’m glad I was here too.’ She extricated herself from her sister’s embrace and went back to her lounger, where she stretched herself out beside Rick.

  ‘Bloody phone. Bloody Trevarrick,’ said Jess, kneeling down by Rose. ‘I’m sorry, Dylan. Mummy just got a nasty fright.’ She kissed his forehead and let him climb on to her lap for a cuddle. ‘Chef’s just resigned,’ she explained to Rose over her son’s head. ‘I was about to put on his armbands when Mark called to tell me. I looked away for one second. Literally just one. I didn’t even realise he’d fallen in. I thought the splash was one of the others. I’ve told him so many times not to go near the edge. Anna saved his life.’

  ‘Thank God you were so quick off the mark, darling.’ Rose looked over at Anna. But her daughter wasn’t listening. She had moved on to Rick’s lounger and was squished up beside him, his arm round her, his hand tucked into the back of her bikini bottom while she kissed him.

  ‘Gawd. Young love. Get a room, you two,’ called Eve, dispersing the tension immediately as the others laughed, relieved that someone had the balls to say what they were all thinking. Eve was sitting on the edge of the pool, her shoes off, her legs dangling in the water. Her kicks sent ripples across the still surface towards the shadow at the other side. ‘Think I might have a swim.’ She undid her buttons to reveal her swimsuit, tossed the dress away from the edge and lowered herself in. ‘Come on, Dylan. Let’s see what you can do.’

  Rose released the boy, who ran over, the armbands making his arms stick out from his side like a mini Michelin man, and jumped in beside her.

  ‘Sorree.’ Anna extricated herself from Rick’s embrace and came over to her sister. Rick sat up, grinning amiably as he watched the four of them, then raised himself from the lounger and dived in to swim towards Eve. ‘Come on, Dylan. Swim between us. Kick those legs. Let’s see if you can do it.’

  With her son safely distracted, Jess sat down with a thump. ‘Oh God, I’m a hopeless mother.’ She hung her head, then picked up her phone and put it in the shade under her lounger.

  Rose was about to contradict her, but Anna was there first, squatting down beside her. ‘No you�
��re not. That’s the last thing you are.’ She stretched upwards to kiss her sister’s cheek. ‘You’ve got two gorgeous children and you’re the best mother in the world to them. Anyone could make a mistake like that. Anyone.’

  Had Rose died and gone to heaven? Anna was thinking about someone other than herself at last.

  ‘I’m glad I was here to save my little old nephew.’ Anna looked over at Dylan’s splashy but determined efforts to bridge the gap between Rick and Eve, and smiled. ‘I expect you’ll return the favour one day. Now, if anyone’s going to be a hopeless mother, it’ll be me.’

  Jess raised her head, quick as a whippet. ‘You’re not saying . . .’

  Anna threw her head back and laughed. ‘God, no. You must be joking. No need to start gathering the hand-me-downs yet. But you never know. One day . . .’

  Rose’s first thought was for that flowered tattoo, stretching out of shape as Anna’s stomach swelled. Slightly ashamed of her reaction, she yanked herself back to the here and now. The girls were smiling and chattering together. They didn’t need her. With peace restored, she decided to go inside and make a start on supper.

  35

  It was way past Dylan’s bedtime, so it wasn’t long after the swimming lesson was over that Jess headed back to the house. Eve was right behind her, the idea of a glass of chilled Prosecco having reasserted itself in the forefront of her brain. With her dress over her arm, she carried some of the detritus that had been left by the pool. She followed Jess into the kitchen and loaded a couple of mugs and three glasses into the dishwasher. Rose was washing a lettuce in the sink.

  ‘I’ll be back to help in a minute,’ Eve volunteered. But before anything else, a shower beckoned.

  ‘No rush.’ Rose shook the leaves and put them into the salad spinner. ‘Simon’s offered to cook tonight. I don’t think anything’s going to happen for an hour or so. I’m going up to change when I’ve done this.’

  ‘But Mum, I was going to make that fruit tart thing Dad liked so much.’ Jess was holding Dylan tightly to her. He was wrapped in one of the coloured beach towels so only his face was visible.