by T. Styles
He smiled and extended his index finger, touching her on the nose like she’d done him so many times. “I’m lookin’…lookin’ at you.” He giggled.
“Oh you are, are you?” She tickled him under his arms. “Stop it, stop it.”
Caught in hysterical laughter, he rolled over, gripping his belly. Finally her mood turned serious. “Look at me.” Kalive tried to settle down but was still in play mode so she grabbed his shoulders, forcing him to stare at her. His eyes widened and he was scared, although she now had his undivided attention. “Never love me, never love anyone like me. Women like me are bred to hurt those we care about the most.”
Although he was only four years old, something in his expression told her he was wise beyond his age. Having gotten her point across, she smiled again, lightning the mood. “I have to take my medicine, want to play with your toys?”
He nodded and she stood up, lifting him off his feet. Moving past the shifting bodies on the floor, she walked toward the window on the other side of the living room. There was a puddle of trash in front of it and she pushed it aside with her size ten-foot until a space existed in the center of the debris, big enough for Kalive to play.
Satisfied, she placed him down and located his toy truck that Sarah put on top of the refrigerator. She handed it to him, “I’m gonna get right and I’ll be back.”
Kalive watched her walk to the sofa, grab a tin lunchbox tucked in the cushions, which held heroin and other equipment.
With his eyes now on the toy he ran his palm down the wheels and watched them spin. Running the truck around the little patch of floor, only a few seconds passed before boredom arrived and he wanted Mayo back. But when he glanced her way he noticed her head bobbing back and forth rapidly. Puddles of froth oozed out the corners of her mouth and her body vibrated like a guitar string.
And just like that, the toy seemed a waste of time.
Kalive placed the toy down, stood up and stepped over the trash. Normally Mayo would pick him up and carry him over the sleeping bodies but she was in a strange catatonic state, one he couldn’t understand.
Remembering that he was a big boy he passed the first body, stepping on her hand in the process. And then onto the next, whose face could not be seen because it was covered by cascading long wild hair. The third body put him in a trance and he stopped to observe her closely. Her eyes were closed but she seemed peaceful and strange, and before long he found the tips of his fingers on her closed lids, followed by her nose. Her temperature was sweaty and tepid.
A strange feeling took over Kalive as he looked around at the piles of sweaty flesh surrounding him. Their long arms, plump thighs and curves had him giddier than any toy car. For a second he wondered if he could play with them instead.
His stomach growled and he blinked a few times remembering Mayo. Standing up he tiptoed between them and moved toward the couch. He crawled up on the sofa and sat on Mayo’s lap. For a second he observed her, before touching her plush wet lips. “Mayo, I…I’m hungry.”
Silence.
“Mayo, I wanna…I wanna eat,” he said a little louder, this time pouting. He took to pushing her breasts to wake her up but nothing worked.
“What are you doing, boy?” Grand asked walking through the front door. He swooped up Kalive’s thick body, and placed two fingers against the pulse on Mayo’s neck. Leaving it there for a few moments he exhaled deeply and sighed. “Fuck! Not again!”
Sensing Grand’s anxiousness Kalive looked down at Mayo. He didn’t know what had his uncle so upset because in his opinion she looked beautiful.
The thing was, she was dead.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
BERNICE
When Grand called to say he was dropping off Kalive because someone died I hung up in his face. I wasn’t ready for the kid to come home. Things weren’t perfect but they were calmer with him not around because Jackie couldn’t throw him in my face.
After hanging up on my brother I couldn’t sit down. I kept circling the floor, irritated by my need to be at Otis’s beckon call just to get high. Two hours ago he said he’d be here in twenty minutes and it was three hours later.
Still no call.
No show.
When there was a knock at the door I rushed toward it, tripping over my own foot, falling face first to the floor. Quickly I pulled myself up, tripped again and slammed to my knees. From where I landed, I crawled, turned the knob and looked up at Otis. “What took you so long?”
He frowned, helped me up and walked to the sofa. It looked like he was carrying an invisible large wooden cross, and his eyes were downward. I can’t remember the last time I’d seem him like this but I was too worried about my hit to concern myself.
“I’m here now, Bernice.” He flopped to the sofa. “I suggest you leave it alone.”
I sat next to him, rubbing my sweaty hands over my kneecaps as he slowly dug into his pocket. He was unhurried and I started to smack his hand and dip my fingers into his pocket to get the dope myself. Finally he pulled out a bag of heroin and turned toward me.
I licked my lips.
“You gonna sit there or get the kit?”
I jumped up, rushed toward my room and pushed clothes and trash around on a hunt for the kit. I was supposed to clean my space earlier but decided to wait until after my recovery. Jackie never believed me but today was my last day on heroin. I was done with this emotional game and I wanted to be better for Kalive and myself.
It took me five minutes to find the kit, stuffed under a pile of dirty clothes in the corner. And the moment I walked back into the living room I sighed.
Jackie was home.
She tossed her purse on the floor and looked at Otis and then me. She was wearing tight white pants and a red top with no bra on and I could tell immediately she had an attitude. “Rufus called today, said he couldn’t get through because the phone kept ringing. Why, Bernice?”
I shrugged.
Who gave a fuck?
“Maybe I was busy. And I can’t answer the phone remember?” The last thing I was thinking about these days was Rufus. I was over him a long time ago and preferred not to talk to him. Besides, it wasn’t like he could be real. We lived the lie of me being his cousin for so long I started to believe it.
“Busy doing what? Fucking with him?” She pointed at Otis. “Why you always in my house instead of being home with your wife anyway?”
Otis sighed. “If you want me to leave then just say it, Jackie. I’m not in the mood for this shit tonight.”
“I asked a question.” She stood in front of him, fists pinned to her hips. “Because I know she got cancer. And what do you do? Keep time in my house with a fucking junkie. You’re a disgrace.”
Wow, I didn’t know she was sick. Was she dying too?
Otis stood up and moved toward the door. At this point I was so sick my body was in physical pain. My bones ached. I felt this morning’s breakfast stirring in my gut and I knew I was about to throw up. Afraid I would stay like this all night I rushed toward him and clasped my hand around his wrists. “Please don’t go, Otis, I’m begging you. Don’t leave me like this.”
Jackie shook her head, the muscles of her temples pulsated as she frowned. She seemed darker and more demented than she had in the past. “All you care about is that shit, you don’t even give a fuck about Kalive. Instead of letting me have him, you’d rather keep him away with your whore brother.”
She was annoying me and I felt myself wanting to get violent toward her. “I’m going to get better, Jackie, I just need a little more and Otis is here to help me. Please, don’t make him leave.”
She stepped back on one of her feet and crossed her arms over her chest. Now she looked conniving. “You want it so bad, let me see you do it. Let me see what has you both so crazy you gave up on life.”
Otis laughed and then looked down at me. “All I want to do is get high, that’s it, anything else ain’t for me, Berny. I’m gonna split. I’m sorry, goodbye.�
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I knew he was about to leave and there was a stronger sourness growing in my stomach. If he left who knows the next time I would catch dope. “Please, Otis, who cares if she watches?” When I saw my pleas were falling on deaf ears I dropped to my knees. “Don’t leave me like this, Otis, I’ll do anything.” I wrapped my arms around his knees and kissed them both.
He looked down at me, maybe trying to figure out how he could benefit since he already owned me.
“Please, Otis.” I squeezed his legs just a little tighter.
He exhaled. “Fuck it, I’ll entertain this shit.”
He helped me up, sat on the sofa and looked over at Jackie. I thought I saw hate but I could be wrong. He opened my heroin kit and went to work. Impatiently I waited as he prepped, cooked and filled the syringe. When he was done he tied the belt around my arm, tapped the crease of my elbow and inserted the needle. When I felt my weak vein pop I could feel life getting better already. His hand shook as he pushed more of the dope through my body and I could sense his anxiousness to get high as his hand trembled.
Oh God…
The feeling.
He removed the needle and I felt a warm sensation take over. I leaned back on the sofa and through the corner of my eyes I saw Otis busy at work preparing his hit. Using the same syringe he cooked his batch and inserted the needle into a vein on his neck.
When his head dropped backwards I smiled. Now we were on the same plane. His tongue hung out and his fingertips crept toward me, until he was holding my hand.
My head was too heavy to lift, to see if Jackie was watching. I was feeling too good to care until five minutes later. She had pulled up a chair from the kitchen and was sitting in front of us, observing.
“I want to see you fuck him,” she said.
I wiped the slob that produced on my mouth with the back of my hand. It wasn’t enough for her that we humiliated ourselves by allowing her to watch us shoot up. As always she wanted more. “Jackie…I can’t…energy…I don’t have.”
Her eyes were cold and flat. “Do it or find some place else to live.”
There goes again, blackmailing me when she couldn’t get her way. I turned my head toward Otis, who I could tell was still feeling the effects. “I’m done,” he whispered.
“Why? It ain’t like you haven’t been fucking her anyway,” Jackie said.
I sensed the tone of her voice and knew now what was happening. “You want him don’t you?” I asked. “You always have.”
Her expression was softer and she bit down on the corner of her lip. “You don’t know what you talking—”
“Tell her…tell Berny the truth,” Otis whispered. “Tell her how I use to come past the house on the days Rufus would disappear.” His tone was light, almost hushed but I heard every word. “Tell her how I would fuck you ‘til you begged me to leave my wife, Jackie. And then tell her how I never did.”
“Shut the fuck up!” Jackie yelled. “You’re a liar!”
But I knew he wasn’t and I felt like a boulder was resting in the pit of my stomach. They fucked before. I knew Rufus wasn’t her one and only.
“And tell her how it was your idea to get her hooked on dope, hoping she would get strung out and leave, since you never wanted her here.”
My head turned toward her. My life was ruined behind this dope. I didn’t have anything to my name and my son barely knew me. All this because of a game? “Is that true?” I asked through clenched teeth.
Her eyes widened and then she looked to the side. When she looked my way again I could see he was right. “Even if it was true, what difference does it make? You did dope willingly. Nobody forced you.”
Otis gripped my hand and I looked at him. My heart was hardened and yet when I stared at him I saw something else. “I’m sorry, Bernice. I never wanted to hurt you this way. If you remember I asked you once about dope and never again. You came to me.” He gripped my hand harder and I looked at her again.
“I’m an addict and I know it but look at you, Jackie. You wear your pain all over your face. When Rufus fucks your head up you don’t take care of yourself, walking around with a half braided head and eyes more sunken in than mine. You no better than me, Jackie. Even if you put me out I need you to know that.”
Otis gripped my wrist. “Don’t say nothing else…if the bitch want’s to see us fuck, lets give her a show,” he whispered.
My breaths were heavy as I was still trying to get over the betrayal. But there was one thing she said that was true. I was the one who willingly did dope, not Otis.
Nobody forced me.
The decision was all mine.
I looked over at her and smiled. All this time she was trying to make me feel like I was nobody and here it was, she wanted my man. That would explain all the nights she tried to turn me out, hoping I would be into women. And why she would get so angry when Otis would stay into the night, instead of going home.
She wanted him.
She wanted to be me.
While his head continued to hang backwards, I unbuckled his pants, and palmed his dick. A few rubs, tugs and pulls and before long he was rock hard. Removing my own pants, I hovered over him, before easing slowly onto the tip of his dick. He must’ve liked it because he moaned loudly before placing his palms on the handlebars of my hips, pushing deeper into me.
We have done this before…fucked after using, but tonight was different. We had a mission and when I gazed down at him there was something else in his eyes. Something I’d never seen before. In that moment, despite all that was revealed.
I always wanted love. After awhile I thought it would only come to me in my dreams. I never imagined that during a dope filled haze, I would experience adoration from a man I truly cared about.
As I continued to fuck him, when I glanced behind me I saw Jackie with her hands stuffed in her tight pants. From where I sat it looked like she was playing with her pussy again.
I knew she was sick but at that time I was positive that she was worse off than me. She ran around here with her head in the air like she was better. She never let a minute go by without telling me how much of a waste of breath I was. But there she was, sitting on a kitchen chair, getting off on two heroin addicts who were in love and fucking…well.
Suddenly Otis pumped into me harder, putting more pressure on my waist. I grinded to meet his thrust and before I knew it I came harder than I had in my life. He came too because I could feel his warm breath on my chin. When it was over, he kissed me softly on the lips, another thing he’d never done.
“Otis, you had your fun. Now get the fuck up and get out my house.” Jackie stood over us, arms crossed over her breasts, before stomping into her bedroom.
I guess she came too and was through with us.
Before she disappeared I could see the wet stain on the seat of her pants. I wasn’t surprised because she was a squirter.
I focused back on Otis. “You were different tonight,” I said.
Silence.
My eyes widened. “Otis, is everything okay?”
He didn’t respond and somehow I knew I would never see him again.
CHAPTER TWELVE
BERNICE
It had been two weeks since I’d seen or heard from Otis and each day my heart ached. He was the one who got me into this miserable lifestyle and he deserved to die with me in it. It didn’t help that Grand called every other day to return Kalive and I didn’t want him here. Had Jackie been home to take his call he would’ve been here a long time ago, but I’m not ready.
I don’t feel motherly.
When he couldn’t get me on the phone he would come over, and luckily for me it was always when she wasn’t home. So I would hide inside, and look at my brother pound on the door, through a corner of a window.
My life right now is chaotic, filled with scenes and events that have no place for a baby. The sad part is it’s not even like I have to care for him. Jackie asks everyday when is he coming home before telling m
e how much she misses him. She even apologized for what Otis said about them having sex and wanting me strung out on dope. But I knew it was all an act, and as long as I kept Kalive away from her, I would have the upper hand.
When the phone rung I jumped up because normally I pulled the cord out when she’s home so that she won’t catch Grand’s call. During the day when she’s at work I plug it back up just in case Otis reaches out.
He never does.
But today she’s in her room napping because she got bad cramps on her period. I just hope she didn’t hear that shit.
I walked quickly toward it and snatched the handset. “Hello.” I was trying to disguise my voice.
“Stop fucking around, Bernice! I gotta drop off nephew. Shit is getting crazy around here and I may go to jail for some dumb shit. It’s time for you to be a mother and take care of your son!”
The gig was up. “I just need a few days, Grand, it ain’t like you—”
“You don’t have no more fucking days! You not listening! I’ll be there in an hour, don’t play with me and not be there. Or else I’m gonna fuck you up on the spot.”
He hung up and I placed the handset down. If Kalive was coming back today I needed to get high one last time before I put my life on track. So I grabbed the house keys, rushed out the door and went on a hunt for money.
Before long I found myself somewhere on Kennedy Street in Northwest DC. I flagged a few cars to get some attention but it was an hour later and I didn’t get one catch. Years ago, before a baby and dope, I couldn’t walk a block without a man honking at me. I guess when you fuck around with this shit long enough it attacks your looks.
I’m living proof.
I was about to get dope sick when after almost two hours a white Chevy Nova pulled up in front of me and stopped. I strutted over to the car, lowered my body and wanted to throw up in my mouth when I saw the monster staring back at me. He had to be about four hundred pounds and I wondered how he squeezed himself into the little ass ride.