by T. Styles
From where I stood I smelled the faint odor of onions and I could only imagine what the scent was like inside the car. “Hey, cutie,” I lied. “Can you give me a ride?”
He took a deep breath and looked like he used all of his energy. He wiped sweat from his forehead with a white washcloth that rested on his shoulder. “I got fifty bucks for a dick suck. You up or not?”
Wow!
Money talk first?
Suddenly he was the most handsome man I’d ever seen as I eased in the car. I put my seatbelt on and the moment the door closed I noticed it was hot, despite the weather being somewhat cool outside. “Can you put the windows down some?”
He obliged but not without an attitude and rolling his eyes, his fat face jiggling. We didn’t say a word to each other as he drove a mile up. I held my breath, reserving my words for when I really needed to speak. As we continued to drive I couldn’t get over the smell. The odor was a cross between rotten cabbage and boiled eggs.
He pulled toward a run down motel. “We not going inside. I know some people who let me do my thing in the parking lot. We just gotta be quick.”
I didn’t care. At least I wouldn’t have to go inside and spend more time than I wanted. He unbuckled his jeans and presented the hugest, grossest, dick I’ve ever seen in my life. “Get over here and earn your money.”
I could feel my stomach swirling but there was no time for vomiting. Holding my breath, I lowered my head and did what needed to be done. His penis tasted salty and gritty and because he was pawning the back of my head the only air I could pull was from my mouth. He was moaning and pumping and my head pushed up and down like I was bobbing for apples. It took ten minutes for him to explode, his creamy cum mixed with pube hairs oozing down my throat.
He liked it so much he gave me sixty dollars instead of fifty.
“I’ve never had my dick sucked like that.” We were driving back to the spot where he picked me up. “When can I see you again?”
When he parked he looked over at me, I guess waiting on my answer. I placed my fingers on the handle and pulled the door open. “In your dreams.” I rushed out and slammed the door, almost breaking his window.
“Bitch!” He yelled.
Not even forty minutes later I was sitting in a cool alley, with a needle in my arm catching my high. Either it was the best dope I had in a long time or I was so anxious anything would have felt good. Slumped in the corner of a building, I stayed until my high was completely gone.
A purple haze covered the sky when I decided to go home. I caught a ride with an eighteen year old. He had eaten some caramel moments before picking me up and used those same sticky fingers to play with my pussy all the way. I knew Grand would be in my shit and I wouldn’t be surprised if Kalive was at home with Jackie.
When I made it on my street I was taken aback at the scene. Cop cars and several ambulances blocked the car and so many people stood on the block I thought I was in the wrong neighborhood.
“You can drop me off here.” When he stopped I rushed out and ran toward my house. That’s when I saw Grand holding my son in his arms.
“Where the fuck were you?” he yelled as he approached. “I thought I told you to stay in the house!”
I looked at my door and noticed paramedics and police running in and out. “What’s happening?”
“Do you know I thought I was gonna have to kill somebody for not letting me inside? Thinking you were in there?” He frowned. “And here you are, outside, dressed like a skeezer!”
I looked at Kalive, smiled and kissed him on the lips. I felt bad when I remembered where my mouth was earlier. I reached for him and he came to me, although he didn’t seem to want to. “What happened…I was…because the…. um?”
“While you were out getting high, probably sucking a nigga’s dick for a few coins, some shit went down.”
How did he know?
“Well, what happened?” My eyes were wide as I gazed at the door again.
He exhaled and stuffed his hands into his jean pockets. “One Eye Wet Faye came looking for you. Got inside your house and everything.”
My heart felt heavier. I felt so shaky I had to hand Kalive back to Grand or else I might have dropped him. “What…I mean…how?”
“The police didn’t want to say much to me, but I heard there was no forceful entry. Did you leave the door unlocked?”
I rubbed the sweat off my head because I couldn’t be sure. “I don’t think so. I mean… did they…did they get Faye?”
“Yeah, took her away five minutes before you got here.” He paused. “But Faye killed Jackie. Shot her in the head while she was sleep. You lucked up this time, sis. That bullet had your name on it. Jackie took the heat instead.”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
1975 - TWO YEARS LATER
Kalive never liked to get up for school but today I’m not playing. Last night the teacher called and said he was sleepy in class and I felt embarrassed, knowing the reason. He has a thing with needing to be under me when it was time for bed and usually I allowed him. At first I didn’t understand why and then it made sense, he thought he would lose me.
Sitting on the edge of his bed I removed the covers and nudged him softly. “You gotta get up, Kalive, we have to catch the bus.”
He rubbed his eyes with his fists, rolled over and stared at the ceiling. His chubby face was moist with sweat. “I don’t wanna go to school.”
I frowned. “Kalive, you have to, how else you gonna get out of D.C. and better yourself? Huh?”
He sat up and moved closer, resting his head on my arm. “But they make fun of me…and tease me…”
Without asking why I knew the reason. His clothes weren’t the best. Although I had been in recovery and hadn’t touched heroin in two years, I was scraping to make ends meet. With the welfare checks we barely had enough for food and rent…let alone clothes.
My recovery was difficult and long but it ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me. With Otis being there for his sick wife and Jackie being murdered because of me, I was done with drugs.
I was done with Otis too.
Besides, I didn’t have any help. Grand was arrested for being caught with kilos of coke in his home and they were going to take my son, unless I got clean. It was hard. In the earlier days I was sick a lot and resentful, but some how I pulled through.
Until I was clean I took for granted how good it felt to get up and not be sick. I took for granted how it felt to be a mother. I took for granted that I could live a life, free of worry about my next hit. Selling my pussy and sucking dick no matter how nasty the man.
But now having gotten myself together, I knew there was no way I was going back to that lifestyle.
“What are they saying at school, Kalive?”
He exhaled. “That my stuff holey.” He looked up at me. “Mommy, why come I can’t have new stuff?”
I sighed, my body sinking deeper into his paper-thin mattress. “Because I made some mistakes. Mistakes I can’t take back although I wish I could. I’m looking for a job and when I get one you’ll have everything you want. Okay?”
He nodded, and wiped his tears away with the back of his hand. Kalive was so sensitive and I often worried about him. If he didn’t toughen up I was afraid the world would eat him up and throw him away. “Okay, mommy.”
“You know what, how about we say no school today.” I nudged him. “We’ll stay home, eat ice cream and watch cartoons. Would you like that?”
“Yeah,” he cheered as he jumped up on the bed. He walked behind me and placed his arms around my neck. To be six years old his grip was firm and I could feel his love.
I liked it when Kalive was this way because sometimes I saw something else, remnants of the man who is really his father. Rufus Miller. Although quiet, I’ve watched a creepiness fester in him over the years. And when I recognized it, it gave me chills.
One day I was cooking dinner and when I walked into his room he was hiding some
thing behind his back. When I asked him to show me I saw the tip of his finger was cut, blood dripping on his toenails. After examining the situation further I saw a doll on the floor behind him which had been stripped of all its clothing. Crimson blood drops smeared all over its face.
To this day I never found out where the doll came from, or what the blood he smeared on it represented. I was too afraid to find out and I let it go. But I never forgot.
Then there were many times when I would be asleep, only to feel his body crawling over mine before placing his dirty fingers over my nose. It seemed like he was suffocating me, like he was fascinated with death.
I’ll be the first to admit that I know nothing about Rufus’s background. I never asked about his family or medical history. The same day I discovered I was pregnant he was arrested, and had been there for years.
Who knew what the medical history held?
After eating hot dogs, fries, ice cream and watching TV all day I was about to put Kalive to sleep when there was a knock at the front door. I looked over at him, placing my hand on his thigh. “Go to bed, and I’ll tuck you in later.” Kalive didn’t pout; his eyes gave way to exhaustion hours ago.
I wondered who was knocking, because outside of Glenda across the hall with the four-pitbull puppies, I didn’t talk to anyone.
When I approached the door I felt faint when I looked out of the peephole and saw who was on the other side. It was Otis, my first and only love. Also the man responsible for my addiction.
I looked down at my average blue jeans and yellow t-shirt, tinged with drops of chocolate ice cream. Knowing I didn’t have time to clean up I pulled the door open. “Otis, what…I mean…what are you doing here?”
“Can I come in?” His voice was low.
When I heard his tone, his slurred words, I knew I should not have let him in my world. He was still on a drug I had long ago given up. And his presence held with it a darkness I wasn’t trying to reenter. As he walked deeper inside I told myself repeatedly that I’m stronger than heroin. That I’m stronger than Otis.
I just hope it’s true.
After locking the door I sat next to him on the sofa. When I realized I was too close I scooted backward. “How did you know where I lived?”
“I’ve always known. Saw you one day walking into the building. I was on the bus.” He exhaled. “Later I asked a few people where the pretty girl with the little boy lived and they showed me.”
My heart jumped. “Why are you here?”
“My wife. She’s dead.” His chin dipped toward his chest.
I felt like shit when a smile crept across my face and I wondered what was the purpose. I didn’t love him anymore. Right? Back in the day I use to dream for the moment she would be out of the picture. I wanted him to myself, to sleep with him, to hug him and to spend every second wrapped in his arms.
But now I was over him.
Wasn’t I?
Loneliness could make a woman forget about the worst days, in exchange for the tiniest loving moments.
“I’m sorry.” I placed a hand on his thigh. “I really am. How did she pass?”
“The cancer got her.” Tears rolled down his cheeks. “And there were days, Bernice, long days that despite her condition I wanted nothing more than to be with you. Than to come here. But she was good to me, always had been so I stayed by her side.” He looked at me and I saw the love he had for me painted in his expression. “I wanted to do right by her, that’s the only reason I left the only woman I ever loved.” He touched my face.
“Otis, please don’t…”
He inched forward, his leg so close to mine he reactivated memories of the sexual things he used to do to my body. “I’m clean now and I can’t be who I was before. I have to be here for my son. I’m all he got.”
“Just one more hit, Bernice.” He removed a heroin bag from his pants.
The moment I saw the cream colored powder my pussy tingled and my mouth watered. I swallowed the lump in my throat. I did everything in my power to stay away from temptation and here he was, bringing it on my doorstep, with a bow on top. “You have to leave, Otis.” I stood up and walked toward the door. “You have to leave and you can’t ever come back here.” I opened it wide, the smell of the hallway filling my apartment.
He stood up and walked toward me, pushing the heroin pack into his pants. “I’m sorry, Bernice, I really am. Just let me stay here for tonight. All I want to do is hold you, and after that I’ll leave.”
I imagined him lying next to me, smelling the manliness fuming from his body. Feeling his rough hands caress my thighs before his face found it’s way between my legs. Soft suckles, careful in their motions but deliberate in their actions. “You have to leave.” My voice was firmer now. “I’m not going to say it again.”
He placed his hands on the side of my face and looked into my eyes. “I’m proud of you.” He kissed me and I melted. “I never told you this, but…but…I love you and I always will.” He walked out.
He had been gone for five minutes and I stayed by the door, looking at the wood pattern, trying to see his face appear in the frame. My mind swirling with thoughts of sweet heroin highs when we were together. I realized it wasn’t just about the dope. It was the experience of being so high with someone that it felt like both of us left the planet. Swimming around in the solar system. No worries. All love.
Everything about me was different now that I opened the door to find Otis. I started thinking of what life would be like without responsibility. Why should I take care of a child whose father didn’t want him in the first place? Rufus may have been in jail but to me he got off easy. He was able to shuck his responsibilities and leave them on me.
I walked toward Kalive’s room, my hand gripping the cool doorknob before walking inside. Surprisingly he was up, waiting, looking my way. I dropped to my knees next to his mattress. “I want to tell you something and I want you to listen hard.”
He nodded.
“I never wanted to be a bad mother. I never wanted you to be afraid of me and I don’t want you to be afraid of me now. It’s just that…it’s just that I’m not as strong as I thought I was and over the days you may see me change.” I swallowed the lump in my throat again. “But I want you to always remember the good times because what you may see me become is not your fault.”
It was heavy I know, but somehow I believed Kalive picked up on things most 6 year olds didn’t. I just needed him to know what was about to happen even though I had no clue myself.
“I’m sorry, Kalive, I really am. It’s just that I’m a woman and I’m not a whole lot without a man.”
“But I can be your man,” He said softly.
I smiled and eased into his bed. The mattress squeaked as I positioned myself directly behind him. I tried not to cry but the tears flowed anyway. And when he was sound asleep I left the room, picked up the phone and called the number I never forgot, hoping it would reach him still.
“Hello.” His voice was low and I could feel his sadness.
“Otis, it’s me. Please…please come back, I need to see you again.”
“Oh, my God. Thank you, Berny, I’m on my way.”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
BERNICE
There have been a string of robberies in my apartment building and I think Otis is responsible. We used so much dope that sometimes he couldn’t make it to his landscaping gigs. Whenever that happened he got the money the best he could. And since he was supplying my habit, I didn’t pry.
I learned to not ask questions, and most times I didn’t care. But when my friend across the hall’s apartment was broken into, and three of her nine newborn pit-bull pups stolen, I felt like Otis’ actions were too close to home. I think he chose our building because he knew people’s schedules.
I was fixing Kalive breakfast when there was a knock at my door. When I opened it I started to slam it shut when I saw Glenda’s face, thinking she was about to ask me if Otis was responsible for the recent break-
ins. Her light skin was painted with too much pink blush and her red hair sat on the top of her scalp in a tight bun. “You want puppies?”
When I looked down she had one stuffed under each armpit, a grey one with bluish eyes and a red nose. “What you talking about?”
“They’re already trained, Bernice.” She looked down at them and they were so still they looked fake. “All you got to do is feed ‘em and walk ‘em. After awhile people will know you got protection and you won’t get hit like we did the other night.”
I looked down at the dogs again. I wanted to send her on her way but I felt bad because she was being so nice. “I ain’t got no money to give you for them, Glenda.” Otis popped into my head and I wondered how far he was with my dope. “I’m on hard times ‘round here.”
She rolled her eyes. “You got a man, shouldn’t he be helping?” As sarcastic as she sounded, maybe she did know Otis was responsible and trying to feel me out.
“He doing what he can, but we barely making it.”
“I know, that’s why I’m offering them to you as a friend. You live on the ground floor, girl. You need these dogs more than I do.” She raised each one to her lips and kissed the tops of their heads. They growled. “Maybe Kalive can walk them and loose some weight.”
I frowned. “You saying my kid fat?”
“No…just…I was just…”
“Why are you giving them away?” I asked with an attitude.
“I’m moving. Can’t be around this neighborhood no more, Bernice. I don’t feel safe. Never have but now things were worse.”
That explains why she was trying to unload them.
Maybe I wanted to get her out of my face so that I could count down the minutes for Otis to get home. Or maybe she was getting on my nerves, either way I accepted her offer. She shoved them into my hands, their noses pressed against my titties. And just like that she was gone.