A Penny on the Tracks

by Alicia Joseph

  She spun around to me, her eyes wild with emotion. “Don’t be like this? How the hell should I be? Jess is naked in your bed and you were under the covers doing . . .”

  “Stop!” I felt my face burning red. “What I was doing under the covers was none of your business. You weren’t supposed to see that.”

  “It’s obvious I wasn’t supposed to see that, but I did.”

  “How’d you get in? Why are you even here? You just left yesterday.”

  “The back door was cracked open. I thought you were up. I called out for you, but now I know why you didn’t hear me.” Abbey turned to leave, but quickly looked back at me. “And I’m here because I needed to talk to my best friend. But I’m not sure who she is anymore . . . I’m not sure who anyone is anymore.”

  “Abbey, I’m still me. Don’t leave like this.”

  She stepped back from me, while holding my eyes with a look of profound pain.

  “Abbey, wait.” I attempted to grab hold of her. Abbey was already out the door, and soon, I was listening to the neighbor’s dog barking as I assumed Abbey was running past its yard.

  I got back to my room, and Jess was fully dressed and sitting on my bed that was now fully made. This wasn’t how I envisioned our last morning together playing out.

  “Why was she here?” Jess asked.

  “She said she needed to talk to me.” I paced around my room, struggling to take in everything that had happened in the last three minutes.

  “About what?”

  “I don’t know. She ran off before she would tell me.”

  “But she was just here. What could she need to tell you that she had to rush over here and break into your house? Why didn’t she at least ring the bell?”

  “She said the door was open. I must not have closed it all the way yesterday after I walked her to her car. That was the last time I was out.” I paced my room with slow, deliberate steps.

  Even though Abbey’s peculiar behavior in showing up at my house the way she did baffled me, for the moment her oddities took a back seat to the fact that my carelessness put Jess in danger.

  My mind broke with all kinds of threatening scenarios that could have taken place the night before if someone other than Abbey had discovered my back door open. I was the protector in our relationship, but I had left the girl I loved vulnerable to an intruder. I turned my gaze back to Jess, not knowing what I would do if anything would have happened to her.

  “Do you have any idea what could have brought her back here?” Jess asked, bringing my focus back to Abbey.

  I sat beside her on the bed, and the unwelcome images involving intruders faded slowly from my mind. “I don’t know for sure, but I bet it has something to do with her mother. It always does.”

  “Is she that bad?”

  “She has a way. She isn’t a happy woman. Never really was as far as I could remember. I don’t think that woman has ever been content at any point in her life. She was always chasing something. When she was younger, it was a man. She’d tell me about when she was a younger woman, and how she waited a long time to find a man who would love her and protect her. And then she married Abbey’s father, and I don’t know how much he loved or protected her because I don’t remember him being around much then. Still don’t now. The woman spent years longing for a baby, and it took a while for her to get pregnant with Abbey. Then once she had Abbey, she was anxious about growing old. She wanted to be young again. I remember that vividly. There’s so much that woman isn’t happy with in her life, and she’s desperately searching . . . chasing . . . after anything that’ll fill that void. Most of the pressure falls on Abbey. Her mother had to be the reason Abbey came here.” I paused. “It was really strange, though. She said she didn’t know who anyone was anymore.”

  “Because of what she saw?”

  “Yeah, but I think that’s only part of it. What the hell could have happened between the time she left here yesterday and this morning?”

  “You need to go to her,” Jess said.

  “I will. Later.”

  “No. Now. We’ve had our fun this weekend. Abbey came here for a reason. Your friend needs you.”

  “But . . .”

  “Stop.” Jess held up a hand. “Your mom’s gonna be back soon anyway. And what if she comes home earlier than we expect? Is it not enough that your best friend caught us with your head between my legs, you want your mom to as well?”

  I laughed lightly and then groaned as I dropped my head into Jess’s lap and squeezed her thighs tightly against me. “I wish it could be like this forever, you and me in our own home. Living our own life. I wish we were older.”

  “Now who’s the one chasing? Don’t wish we were older. Don’t wish we were anywhere but right here. This moment.” Jess raked her fingers gently through my hair. “That’s what I’m doing with us. I don’t want to be with anyone but you, and you don’t want to be with anyone but me. What moment could be better than right now?”

  I lifted my body to face her. “None,” I whispered. “This moment is perfect. I’m sorry I couldn’t see that.” I kissed her softly on the lips.

  She smoothed my hair away from my eyes. “You’re forgiven.”

  “What’s gonna happen when we go away to school?” I asked.

  “Baby, what’d I just say about living in this moment?”

  “But I want to know that I’m gonna have more moments like this with you.”

  “We already talked about it. We’re going to stay together. We’re both gonna come home as often as we can. Vanderbilt’s not that far. Maybe we can meet halfway sometimes on the weekends and shack up in some motel.” She clasped her arms around my neck. “And never leave the room.”

  “It won’t be easy, you know.”

  She loosened her grip on me. “Why are you doing this? We’re never gonna make it if you keep doubting us.”

  “I’m being realistic. There’ll be school functions. Campus parties. Who’s to say you’ll even want to meet me at some motel? Or come home at all?”

  “That can be said for you, too. But I have to try.” She gripped my hand in hers. “We are worth a try no matter how hard it may get. I’m not being unrealistic. I’m just giving us hope. What do we have if we don’t have hope?”

  “We have nothing,” I answered in a low voice. “And I don’t want to have nothing with you.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  AFTER A LONG kiss goodbye, I finally opened the front door so Jess and I could make our way down the front-way path and to her car. Once she was settled in, and the vehicle was running, she held a hand up in a slight wave and drove off. I moved onto the sidewalk and watched her car disappear down the street.

  I looked around me. The streets were quiet for a warm and sunny Memorial Day—the kick-off to summer barbecue season. But it was still fairly early, not even eleven o’clock yet. I assumed in a few hours the streets would be screaming with loud music and layered in the thick scent of burgers and sausages smoking on my neighbors’ grills.

  My mom had promised to be back in time to do something fun for the holiday, but all I could think about was what I was going to say to Abbey.

  I decided to walk to Abbey’s instead of driving my mother’s car. Abbey’s house was about twenty minutes away by foot, and I thought I could use the extra time to prepare what I would say. I passed houses where old men stood in the middle of their yards while meticulously watering their lawns, kids playing football in the grass, and lazy dogs laid out on their backs, soaking in the sun on this gorgeous day.

  I watched all of these distractions around me as I walked, and soon, I was standing on the corner of Abbey’s street without any idea of what I was going to say to her. I took a deep breath and pushed myself on while trying to block from my mind the drawn expression on Abbey’s face when she saw me pop out from underneath the covers with Jess naked in my bed. Even being caught in bed with a guy would have been incredibly embarrassing because Abbey didn’t talk about boys or sex the way m
ost of the girls in our school did.

  I never made up stories about going further with boys than I had just to throw people off, but I knew how to divert attention away from myself if I was ever uncomfortable in a situation. I wasn’t embarrassed by who I was, but I believed my sexuality wasn’t any one’s business. I knew how much people loved to talk, and I didn’t want to be the topic of anyone’s dinner conversation. Fuck them, was my way of thinking.

  The only time I ever had a boyfriend was freshman year. His name was James. We had a class together and our lockers were close, so we talked a lot. We liked the same bands and he promised his older brother could get us Guns N’ Roses tickets. The relationship seemed innocent enough, until one day we were watching a movie in his basement and we started kissing. James slid his tongue deep in my mouth. It felt like a wet snake. Then, he shoved my hand between his legs.

  That was more than I could take. I shoved him off me, jumped up from the couch, and ran out of his house. I never kissed another boy again. And then the following year I met Jess. Abbey had introduced us, and I thought she was beautiful from the first moment I saw her.

  Abbey started bringing Jess around our group of friends. I knew right away she was different. Jess didn’t flirt with boys or talk about boys, the only subject most of the other girls in school seemed interested in. The guys we hung out with, Matt and Kirk, took an immediate interest in Jess, with her long wavy brown hair, above average-sized boobs for a fifteen-year old, and killer legs. But I fell in love with her smile, and I loved to listen to her talk.

  She was the only girl I was ever nervous around, and it wasn’t just because she was beautiful. There were plenty of pretty girls in school I talked to without any problems, but Jess was the girl I wanted to kiss. And the idea that Jess might want to kiss me back turned me into a stammering idiot.

  Abbey didn’t have her first kiss until junior year. It was with a boy named Steve. He was smart and in the math club, but Abbey was extremely shy around boys, especially boys she liked. And she really liked Steve.

  She came to my house hysterical the day he broke up with her. It seemed not even boys who were really good at math were willing to settle for a girl who only wanted to hold hands and occasionally make out. After that, Abbey seemed to lose all interest in boys. She didn’t even go to prom, despite her mother’s badgering for her to go.

  “When I was a teenager,” her mother had explained one day. “Saturday night was date night. You went out with boys, not your friends. Friends were for Friday nights.”

  “Mother, it’s different today. A girl can’t go out with different guys every Saturday night,” Abbey explained.

  “Why not?”

  “Because she’d be a slut,” Abbey answered flatly, and her mother’s face contorted into a look of absolute horror.

  “Abbey. That is an atrocious thing to say. I don’t want to ever hear anyone refer to you in such a disparaging way.”

  “That’s why I don’t go out with a lot of boys.”

  Her mother sat down at the kitchen table and crossed her legs appropriately. “Then I don’t understand how a girl is supposed to get to know a boy if they don’t go out together. You kids hang out in groups, but you can’t get a feel for someone amongst a group of people. This is no good.” She stared hard at Abbey and then snapped her fingers. “I know. You’ll meet a nice boy in college. Forget all these high school boys. College men are smarter, a better catch.”

  With Abbey’s prudish disposition to sex, being caught doing anything intimate by her would have been horribly awkward, but the fact that it was Jess only complicated matters.

  As soon as I was within three houses of Abbey’s home, it was apparent something was wrong. A group of neighbors from across the street were huddled along the curb, watching with intense curiosity at whatever spectacle was going down at Abbey’s house.

  I quickened my pace to a jog. As I got closer, I saw objects being flown from Abbey’s garage and landing onto the front yard while a woman’s voice raged loudly from inside. I stopped when I got to the edge of the driveway, stunned at the sight I was seeing.

  Mrs. Hulling, wearing a pink oversized bathrobe and white fluffy slippers, was hurling anything she could pick up out of the garage. She appeared like a mad woman obviously out of her mind. Every strand of her over-dyed blonde hair was pointing wildly in all different directions and streaks of black makeup were smeared around her puffy eyes.

  I walked slowly toward the front door, using the walkway that veered away from the garage and to the front of the house. The front lawn was covered with remnants of torn men’s clothing and men’s shoes.

  “Did she tell you?” Mrs. Hulling screamed.

  I spun around and the crazy woman dropped the wrench she was holding in her hand and took a couple steps toward me.

  “Did Abbey tell you what that son of a bitch did?”

  I felt the crowd behind me growing as the neighbors’ chatter intensified. I glanced over Abbey’s mom’s shoulder and noticed a near-empty vodka bottle on the edge of the hood of her car.

  “He put us on a shoestring budget so his other family could have more. That’s why the son of a bitch waited until Abbey was eighteen to finally come clean. He knew court-ordered child support would be a hell of a lot more than what he was giving me. And alimony? He knows he’s putting me in an early grave so there won’t be much alimony. I got nothing!” she screamed. “Nothing! Ten years he’s been married to this other woman. Son of a bitch belongs in jail!”

  Mrs. Hulling went back into the garage, yanked a hammer from a hook on the wall and started pounding the shit out of the lawn mower. “He . . . tells . . . me . . . over . . . the . . . fucking . . . phone!” she screamed, and between each word, she slammed the hammer against the battered machine. “Doesn’t even have the guts to tell me in person, like a man should, that he’s been lying to me for over ten . . . fucking . . . years.”

  Behind me, I heard concerned female voices inquiring about what was going on. A few women called out to Mrs. Hulling in worried voices, begging her to stop.

  “Didn’t even say goodbye to his own daughter!” Mrs. Hulling ranted.

  Abbey!

  I ran to the house, swung open the screen door, and twisted the knob of the second unlocked door. I pushed myself into the house.

  “Abbey! Abbey!” I yelled out, but my shouts died against the shrill of Kurt Cobain’s revolting voice coming from upstairs.

  I charged up the stairwell and into Abbey’s room.

  Abbey was lying on her bed, drowning in the music pouring from the speakers on a shelf above her head; a Nirvana CD lay open across her stomach.

  I clamped my hands over my ears. Even I couldn’t sustain the earsplitting sounds played at a deafening level. The music crashed through me as I pointed frantically to the stereo system, motioning for Abbey to shut the music off.

  With every bit of the nonchalance of a laid-back California surfer, Abbey reached over her head and pushed a button on the machine. Silence filled the room, and I could finally feel my own heartbeat again.

  Abbey leaned deeper into the bed and placed her arms behind her head like she didn’t have a care in the world.

  “Abbey,” I softly called to her.

  She slowly turned her gaze to me with a vacant expression that gave nothing away. Unless, of course, nothing was what she was feeling. Then her emotions were written all over her face.

  From outside, her mother’s voice carried into her room. Though her words weren’t intelligible, they were there, hanging in the balance for the whole neighborhood to know.

  “I need to get you out of here,” I said. “You don’t need to be here for this.”

  Abbey let out a short laugh. “Don’t need to be here for this?” She sat up in her bed and lifted her arms. “This is my life. Everything that my mother is spewing out there for all our neighbors to hear is my life.”

  “But you don’t need to be here right now. For this.” I pointed to the bed
room window where twenty feet below, her mother’s spectacle raged on. “Stay with me. School’s over. We graduate in a couple days.”

  “Fuck graduation.”

  “I know graduation doesn’t mean a thing to you right now. I just meant, let’s concentrate on getting it over with before we deal with anything else. Let’s graduate first and then say fuck it. We’ll do whatever we want after that. Live our own lives. We can get an apartment together for the summer. Abbey . . . you don’t have to own this shit.”

  “What are you talking about? This is my fucking life. And what do you mean, live our own lives? You’re not running away from anything. You have your own life. You have your mom. You have Franklin. And now you have Jess.”

  “Abbey, Jess and I . . .”

  “I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

  “Okay.”

  She shifted in her seat and the CD dropped against her side. She picked it up and threw the plastic case across the room, smashing it against a small blue aluminum garbage can decorated in fluorescent hippie peace signs.

  “He told my mom all this stuff over the phone. His other wife gave birth a couple days ago, their fifth kid. He wasn’t on a business trip this week. There were never any business trips, just another family in another state.”

  “Abbey . . .”

  “He didn’t even ask to talk to me. I probably wouldn’t have taken the phone, but still, he didn’t even ask.” Tears poured down Abbey’s face.

  I sat beside her and wiped the tears away with the palm my hand.

  “I don’t think I’ll ever see him again.” She cried, and I held her in my arms.

  The faint sound of a police siren tore us away from each other. Abbey jumped up.

  “Oh, God! They’re coming for her. She’s gonna get arrested. Lyssa. What am I gonna do?”