A Penny on the Tracks

by Alicia Joseph

  Abbey’s newly confident demeanor was actually a strident cry for help that I had failed to hear, and that was something I’d have to live with the rest of my life.

  “The last thing Abbey said to me was that this was her life, and she knew what she had to do, and she was good with it. I thought she meant moving on to college, getting a job, starting her own life. But what she did . . . it never occurred to me, but maybe it should have. I had Derek as a warning. I should have at least considered she could be thinking this. She was always asking me why he did it, and what it felt like, and if I thought it took his pain away. Fuck, why didn’t I put all of this together?”

  “You know what they say about hindsight. Stop doing this to yourself. You didn’t anticipate this happening because this is something you’d never do and you didn’t think Abbey could do it either. Maybe we both need to stop blaming ourselves.”

  I TUGGED THE strap of my sleeping bag, rolled up in a tight roll over my shoulder, closer to my body as I walked through the brush I hadn’t walked across since I was eleven years old.

  Yet, I remembered the place as if it were just yesterday that I was sitting near the train tracks smoking a cigarette with Derek, or building a fire in the field with Abbey, or, doing what I had loved the most, placing pennies on the tracks and waiting for a train to roll by.

  I anticipated exactly when the field would open up to the gravel area where the railway lay. The layout of the place was exactly the same as I remembered.

  I stopped at the edge of the brush, about forty feet from the tracks and glanced around me.

  Nature hadn’t changed much in the years since I’d breathed her air in the spot I was now standing. Flashbacks of my childhood flooded my mind, and even though I felt too young to reminisce about life, memories of Abbey and Derek, taken from a time that could never be lived again, filled the space around me.

  I longed for what I knew was unattainable—I wanted my dead friends back.

  It was here they both had chosen to end their lives. I was conflicted between the innocent recollections of the moments spent at our Hideout before their deaths, and the cold-blooded reality of the temporary necropolis the Hideout would become.

  These grounds were no longer good to me.

  Yet, I couldn’t leave.

  My past attached me to this place, now drowning in the crushing energy of the undefeatable pain that lead to two brutal deaths. I dropped my bag to the ground and walked to the tracks. I kneeled beside the rails and ran a finger gently over the even steel. I dug a penny from my pocket and placed it on the tracks.

  I didn’t have any idea when the next train would roll past, but I wasn’t worried because I had all night. I sat on a rock and waited for the train. I let myself believe it was the same big rock Derek always sat on because it easily could have been. I looked to the sky and its setting sun, and breathed in a deep scent of the brisk, after-five-o’clock air.

  In the hours spent waiting for the train, I thought about Abbey and replayed in my mind every day we had spent at that Hideout. But when the memories raged with unbridled tears, I cursed myself for going there.

  “It’s too soon to be here,” I whispered, yet I couldn’t leave the place that seemed to have me chained.

  I closed my eyes and leaned my head back, willing the tears back to where they came from. “I’m sorry I let you down, Abbey. I was your best friend. I was supposed to protect you. I need to know if you forgive me. I need to know you’re still with me. Give me something to believe you’re still here. I need you to still be here because I have too much life ahead of me to make it through alone.”

  I kept my eyes closed until I heard the whistle of a train coming down the tracks. I caught one last glance of the penny sitting on the rails before the train passed with a thunderous shriek. I closed my eyes and made the sign of the cross, despite my lack of any serious religious conviction. I imagined Abbey and Derek meeting their fate.

  When the path was clear, I slowly stood and walked to the tracks. I dropped to one knee and picked the flattened piece of metal off the rails. Clutching the smashed penny into my tight fist, I held it and all the memories attached to it close to my heart, because I knew it was the last penny I’d ever lay on a track again.

  I opened my palms and kissed the thin piece of metal.

  This penny was for Abbey.

  I SPREAD MY sleeping bag across the grass, not far from the tracks. When Abbey and I were younger, I had wanted to camp out at the Hideout, but Abbey was too scared. Maybe I had been, too, because I never did it.

  I reached into my duffel bag and pulled out a can of bug repellant. After spraying myself, the sleeping bag, and the area around me with a healthy dose, I stepped into my bed for the night.

  I scooped the hood of the thin White Sox hoodie I was wearing over my head for extra protection against any night crawlers that might find its way into my sleeping bag. I traced my finger where the penny sat inside the pocket of my baggy jeans.

  I closed my eyes and fell asleep to the sounds of insects buzzing and nature stirring against the night air.

  I awoke the next morning and quickly raised a hand to shield the already vivid sun from my eyes. An incredible itch stung at my arm. I clamped my nails into the prickling spot and scratched around the area until the uncomfortable tingling sensation eased.

  I had gotten pretty bit up during the night despite plastering myself in bug spray. Red, irritated patches of skin covered most of my arm. I pulled the sleeves of my hoodie down to my wrists. Sometime during the night I must have tugged them up, leaving bits of my flesh exposed to the mosquitoes.

  I crawled out of the sleeping bag, sat up straight on my knees, and gave my neck and back a quick stretch. The earth didn’t make the most comfortable of beds. I reached inside the pocket of my loose-fitting jeans and felt for the smashed penny to be sure it didn’t slip out during the night. The piece of metal was still snug securely in its place.

  I stood, rolled up my sleeping bag, and dropped it besides the duffel bag, lying across the gravel. I took a good look around me. About thirty yards away, the leaves on the branches of the trees, splayed across the wooded area, swayed gently against the soft breeze. I moved my gaze to my left, over the quiet fields of long grass and thick brush.

  It was no wonder Abbey and I loved coming here as much as we did. The place was serenely beautiful. The irony that such a tranquil place could be the scene of two vicious deaths proved there was no place too remarkable for the trappings of real life to take over.

  I bent down to pick my bags off the ground, but something on the tracks glistened against the sun, catching my attention.

  I walked toward the tracks. I got close enough to see the object sitting on the rails, and my heart stopped beating. I lost my breath and dropped to my knees. I covered my face and cried.

  I finally regained my composure and crawled a couple of steps to the railway and picked up the shiny, polished penny sitting on the track.

  I looked to the morning sky, believing I was seeing heaven. My eyes landed on a spot in the ocean of baby blue skies where I imagined Abbey watching me, because now I knew she was still with me.

  I had the penny to prove it.

  I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. The sun’s rays simmered against my face. I opened my eyes and gazed at the skies above me, knowing Abbey was up there somewhere.

  I smiled and cried at the same time.

  “Find Derek, Abbey,” I whispered. “Discover a new Hideout in heaven. I’ll meet you guys there someday.”

  Epilogue

  Two Months Later

  THE FRONT DOORBELL rang as I zipped the last bag shut.

  “Jess is here, Lyssa!” my mother screamed from the living room.

  I tossed my duffel bag over my shoulder and picked up two suitcases filled with clothes from the floor. I looked around my room as though it were the last time I was going to see it, even though I knew it wasn’t.

  The room looked bare with mos
t of the shelves cleared and packed away in boxes. My stereo and cassettes and CDs stacked in their cases, were gone. The closet door swayed open, revealing an empty clothes rack. Almost everything was gone except my bed, drawers, and the posters on my wall.

  I walked out of my room and down the hall toward the front door. Through the window I saw Franklin stacking Jess’s trunk with boxes that were already packed.

  “Leave those bags here, Lyssa. Franklin will carry them to the car.”

  “It’s okay. I can do it. Who do you think’s gonna carry all this stuff when I get to school?”

  “I know you wanted Jess to drive you, but it would have been nice to take you myself, make sure you get situated properly.” My mother tugged anxiously at the waist of her red sundress.

  “Mom, I’m old enough to situate myself. Besides, you would have cried the entire time and caused a big scene. It’s better this way.” I walked to the front door where Jess stood and dropped the bags to the floor. “Hey.” I hugged her. “Thanks for driving me.”

  “You don’t have to thank me. I wanted to. I don’t leave for school for another week. So it worked out.”

  “How far is Vanderbilt?” my mom asked.

  “A little over seven hours.”

  “Oh, wow. That’s long. Thankfully Illinois State is less than two hours away. It’s a much easier drive. We can visit Lyssa more often.”

  “Oh great.” I rolled my eyes. “That’s what every college student wants to hear.”

  “Stop that. You know this is a hard day for me.” My mother began to cry just as Franklin walked through the door.

  “Is she crying again?” he asked.

  “All morning.” I bent down and picked up the bags.

  “I got those.” Franklin took the luggage from me.

  “You don’t understand what this feels like,” my mom continued. “You’re my baby, and you’re leaving me.”

  “Lyssa, promise your mother you’ll come home as often as you can,” Franklin said.

  “I promise I’ll come home as often as I can,” I repeated, without much feeling.

  Jess laughed.

  “I’m sorry I’m carrying on like this in front of you, Jess.” My mother wiped her eyes. “I thought I was finished crying, but apparently I’m not.”

  “It’s okay, Mrs. Walker. My mother’ll be doing the same thing next week,” Jess said.

  “Please be nicer to her than Lyssa is being to me,” my mother pleaded.

  I laughed out loud. “You are so dramatic.” I stepped around Jess to get to my mother. I hugged her for what seemed to be the eighty-seventh time that morning.

  Franklin popped back into the house. “Okay, I think that’s everything. Car’s all packed and ready to go.”

  “You’re all ready to go.” My mother pulled back and kissed my forehead.

  “I’ll be back, Mom. You know that. Please, no more crying.”

  “Okay.” She sniffled.

  “Thanks, Franklin,” I said.

  “Sure, kiddo.”

  We all walked outside, my mother and Franklin following behind me and Jess. Jess got into the driver seat, and I walked to the passenger side. I saw Franklin hand Jess a couple of bills.

  “For gas, and if you kids want to stop to eat,” he said.

  “Thanks, but I have money.” Jess started to give back the money, but Franklin wouldn’t take it.

  “Take it, Jess,” my mother said. “Please get our baby to school safely, and you be careful driving home alone.”

  “I will.”

  “Oh, and Jess,” my mother said. “Please be sure to thank your mom again for having us over last week. It was a lot of fun. If you and your parents don’t end up going to California to be with your family for Christmas, you’re welcome to spend the holiday with us.”

  “Thanks.” Jess smiled.

  I stood beside the passenger door to give Franklin and my mother one last hug goodbye.

  When it was over, and my mother was finally able to tear herself away from me, I opened the car door and dropped into the seat. I dumped my head against the rest. “That was fucking unbearable.”.

  Jess laid a hand on my leg. “Hey, give her a break. She’s gonna miss you.”

  I watched Franklin and my mother make their way back inside the house. I took Jess’s hand and pressed it against the side of my face. “I’m glad we told our parents about us. It was the right move. I should have listened to you sooner.”

  “I shouldn’t have nagged you. You needed to do this when the time was right for you.”

  I closed my eyes and smiled. “My mother wants to spend Christmas with my girlfriend and her family. I didn’t see that one coming.”

  “Your mother’s cooler than you thought and she loves you a lot. There was no way she was going to lose you over us.”

  I opened my eyes to look at Jess. A red-and-white bandana pulled back her hair. She wore a white T-shirt rolled at the sleeves and faded blue jeans that were torn at the knees. Her relaxingly loose style contradicted the tense emotions running tightly through me as I thought about us being apart.

  “What is it, baby?” she asked.

  I tilted my head back and slanted my eyes at her, amazed at how it seemed she could read my mind.

  “What?” She pulled away from me. “You don’t think I know when something’s bothering you?”

  I forced a tight smile. “Apparently, you know exactly when something’s bothering me.”

  “What’s on your mind?” Jess asked.

  I looked straight in her eyes. “We’re gonna make it, aren’t we?”

  She touched my face and smiled softly. “Yes, we’re gonna make it. All we have to do is never stop loving each other.”

  “I can do that,” I whispered.

  “Do you have Abbey’s penny with you?” Jess asked.

  I pulled the penny from the front pocket of my jeans. I held it out to her. “I’m gonna carry it with me, always.”

  Jess lightly touched the coin. “I can’t believe this happened. Are you gonna tell anyone else?”

  “You’re the only person I want to share this with,” I said.

  “I’m glad you did,” she whispered.

  I pressed the penny against my lips. “I’m going to check if there’s a suicide support group on campus. If there isn’t, I’m gonna start one. I want to help people like Abbey and Derek. Suicide isn’t the answer. I believe my friends have finally found peace, but there was another way. I wish I could have done something to make them see that, but it’s too late. All I could do now is help others like them. And that’s what I’m gonna do.”

  Jess cupped her hands around my face. “You are such a good person. This is why I love you so much.”

  She kissed me, and any uncertainty I may have had about us making it through college faded away.

  Alicia Joseph grew up in Westchester, Illinois. She has two published novellas, Her Name and Loving Again. When she is not writing, she enjoys volunteering with animals, rooting for her favorite sports teams, and playing “awesome aunt” to her nine nieces and nephews.