Die Tryin'

by Stavro Yianni

  There was a police car behind them, and it was telling them to pull over.

  ‘Fucking astinomia!’ Tony spat and kissed his teeth. He went back to his original position and shook his head. ‘Bastards follow me around, I swear.’

  Nick Black looked round to be met with Charlie jittering in his seat like he had been hit with a stun gun. ‘What we gonna do? What we gonna do?’ he gibbered.

  ‘Stay cool!’ Nick XR2 said in a firm voice, anxiously tapping his steering wheel and checking his rear view with intensity. ‘Everyone stay cool, don’t say a fucking word out of sync, nod politely and smile at ’em. Do that and we’re all good.’

  Charlie put his head in his hands. ‘I knew it. I knew this shit was gonna happen…’

  Nick Black found himself looking around him tentatively, the spliff he just had now starting to work against him. Paranoia was setting in fast, and he was getting jittery himself.

  Nick XR2 slowed down, put on his indicator, and pulled over to the kerb.

  ‘What are we gonna do, Nick?’ Nick Black asked, and it sounded in his own head like a plea. A plea to God for mercy.

  ‘Just leave the talking to me. Don’t say shit…’ Nick XR2 replied coolly.

  Out of the corner of his eye, Nick Black saw a figure coming towards the car from the rear. It was draped from head to toe in black, and for a second, it looked like the Grim Reaper.

  ‘Sit tight, don’t look suspicious, and we’ll get through this,’ Nick XR2 added.

  ‘How do you not look suspicious, Nick?’ Nick Black quickly asked. ‘Huh? How do you not look suspicious?’

  But, Nick XR2 didn’t answer. Instead, he wound down his window, letting in the outside world, which right then was Hell itself. The body in black perched outside Nick XR2’s window crouched down. A face then appeared. Nick Black got a brief glimpse of it before a harsh beam of light caused him to squint and cover his eyes with his hand. The copper then shone his torch in Charlie’s eyes, making him turn his twitching head away. There was a big fake grin on Charlie’s face that remained even though he was clearly uncomfortable in the beam of light—Charlie taking Nick XR2’s advice about smiling at the police a little too far. The copper then moved onto Tony, then when satisfied he had temporarily blinded them all, he finally switched his torch off. Nick Black now got a good look at him; he saw a middle-aged man with a heavily lined face and piercing blue eyes. For some reason he reminded Nick of a school headmaster.

  ‘Good evening, Officer,’ Nick XR2 said to him in a voice that Nick Black had never heard before from XR2. It was bizarrely like a cross between James Bond and Dick Van Dyke. The suave smooth talking special agent interlaced with the cheeky chappy banter of the Victorian Chimney Sweep. XR2 was smart. He was hedging his bets, hoping to outwit the copper by either smooth talking him, or even better cracking a joke or two with him. The prick really did have balls the size of meteors, he hadn’t been lying about that back at the fair.

  ‘Where you boys going?’ The copper replied, and for a second, it looked to Nick Black that he didn’t take the bait either way as he remained emotionless. Nick Black felt his stomach knot up, and he looked away. This wasn’t good—Tony was too stiff in his seat; Charlie was smiling too much, and his buzzed up eyes made him look like the fucking Joker on crack; and Nick could suddenly feel his own hands trembling like he had developed fully blown Parkinson’s disease in the last few seconds. Together they were broadcasting blatant suspicion to the trained eye of PC Plod and there was nothing any of them could do about it.

  ‘Actually, just getting the boys home,’ Nick XR2 said with a broad smile.

  ‘You been drinking?’ the copper asked, and his eyes suddenly got colder, making them look like two topaz studs embedded in a granite rock face. That image suddenly got Nick Black thinking of jewels, and that was the last thing he wanted to think about because it was a path that led to—

  —the body in the boot.

  He crossed his arms over his chest and squeezed tight, hoping the devil at the window would just go away.

  ‘They have, but I haven’t,’ Nick XR2 replied, and gave a light laugh, showing the copper his teeth. Risky, but could be just the confident move that warded him off. The copper didn’t flinch though. His mouth remained a crevasse on his rock like face, his eyes dissecting the whole car like lasers. He leant his head in further and Nick Black could feel himself shrinking inside. He just wanted to curl up into the foetal position and call for mummy.

  ‘Where do you lot—’

  The copper abruptly paused and his nose twitched once, twice, and then he frowned. The next words that came out of his mouth were to Nick Black like Armageddon. ‘Who’s been smoking cannabis?’ he asked.

  Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! XR2, say something! Help, you prick!

  ‘Cannabis? I don’t smell cannabis,’ Nick XR2 said, as if hearing Nick Black’s internal screams for help. He sniffed the air around him as well as his armpits (which at any other time would have been hilariously funny, but not now). ‘None of us smoke.’

  ‘Someone’s definitely been smoking cannabis in this car,’ the copper said defiantly, and now no amount of James Bonding or Dick Van Dyking was going to soften this prick up. He smelt blood. Smelt a nick. And that Nick was sitting in the back seat, wobbling like a nine stone jelly.

  ‘Which one of you is it?’ the copper asked, and glanced at them one by one.

  Nick XR2 shrugged, and looked tentatively at Tony. Tony glanced back at Charlie. Charlie’s eyes darted left and right, his head twitching like mad. Nick Black rubbed his head nervously.

  He didn’t know what the fuck to do, where to turn. Suddenly he wished more than anything he had some of Nick XR2’s nerve, some of his intuition, because he had no doubt it would worm him out of this situation in a jiffy.

  ‘Right. All of you out the car,’ the copper then demanded.

  Nick Black closed his eyes, his heart sinking.

  ‘I really think you’re mistaken, Officer,’ Nick XR2 said, but it was no use.

  ‘I know what cannabis smells like, mate, the amount of times I’ve smelt it before…’ the copper said. ‘Now, out the car.’

  Nick XR2 glanced at Nick Black through his rear view; Nick Black stared back with apologetic eyes. He slowly opened his door and placed a reluctant foot onto the pavement, his heart racing a million miles an hour. He felt sick again, and the sudden cold air hitting him shot up to his brain. He could feel the blood draining from his face.

  Stay calm, stay cool and everything will be okay, a voice, very similar to Nick XR2’s was saying to him in his mind. He wanted to believe it, but just couldn’t no matter how hard he tried. This situation was bad. Very bad. He looked up to see Tony and Charlie now standing outside of the car as well. Tony looked edgy; Charlie looked… well, Charlie was just twitching spasmodically like he had been plugged into the National Grid. Four guilty men. Four blatantly guilty men about to be rumbled.

  Nick XR2 was now out of the car and closing his door. The copper was standing a pace or two back from him, shining his torch into the car, inspecting it over. His colleague, a younger version of him, had made his way over from their squad car and stood glaring at them all one by one like they were low life criminals. Nick Black got a very bad vibe off that one. He was young. Hungry. Looking for a score.

  The original copper, the sarge, went over to him. ‘One of ’em’s been smoking cannabis, but I don’t know which one,’ Nick Black heard him say.

  The younger copper just nodded his head once and then stared at them all through squinted, scrutinising eyes. Nick now noticed they were stood about a foot away from the boot. Too close for comfort. An image conjured up in his mind—Taki, not actually dead, suddenly banging his fists on the boot, pleading for someone to let him out and giving the whole game away. They would open it and find him with his eyes gouged out, a living ghoul…

  Nick Black held his breath, feeling the bile in the pit of his stomach rising and falling. Rising and falling.r />
  ‘Search the car over and I’ll search them,’ the sarge said to his assistant, who nodded and immediately walked over to the driver’s side. He opened up the door and began rummaging through the interior of Nick’s XR2.

  ‘There really is no need, Officer. None of us have got anything on us,’ Nick XR2 said, but it was more of a plea than anything else.

  ‘Keep it shut,’ the sarge replied flatly.

  And then: ‘Now, come and open the boot.’

  The words appeared to numb Nick XR2 as if they had just turned him to clay, and suddenly, his Arthur Fonzarelli licking an ice lolly demeanour was fading fast.

  ‘E-E-Excuse me?’ he stammered, bemused like he had just been slapped with a wet fish.

  ‘Come on, open up the boot,’ the sarge repeated. ‘We ain’t got time to wait.’

  Nick XR2 stood where he was. Nick Black glanced at Charlie who was looking around anxiously, his head twitching. Nick Black felt his whole body starting to waiver, his mind becoming foggy. Open the boot? Open the fucking boot? And find Taki in there bleeding and dead, with no eyes and some bizarre message scratched into his chest? That’s what you want to find, you fucking copper? Is it? IS IT?

  He put his hands in the air without realising he was doing so, almost as if he were calling to God himself for mercy.

  The sarge gave his final demand. ‘Open the boot, or I’m gonna nick you all. It’s up to you.’

  Nick XR2 looked round him helplessly, his arms outstretched, dumbstruck.

  This is it, this is the end, my friend; a long stretch is waiting, and there’s nothing you can do.

  Nothing!

  Nick Black was on the verge of fainting. He went to utter something, anything, when an abrupt loud shout (that was more of a war cry) stirred his senses back to life like a hit of strong smelling salts. His head flicked upwards in the direction it came. It was Tony. Tony who had been far too quiet the last couple of minutes. Tony who didn’t take shit from anyone—man, woman, child, nor copper. Nick Black caught a glimpse of his face and yeah, it was definitely that lost it, out of control Tony that had arrived amongst them, the one with the blank stare, the glazed over eyes. The gingerbread man eyes.

  Black Smarties.

  ‘Fucking police!’ he shouted, and stormed past everyone. ‘Fuck the lot of ’em!’

  Nick Black put out his hand to try and stop him. ‘Tone!’ he shouted, but Tone wasn’t home. The thing that lurked inside Tony Savva had risen, and just like the sarge, it smelt blood.

  Tony set off into a sprint, smashing into Nick Black on the way, almost knocking him over. The blow actually served to stir his senses even more, and he watched with total clarity as Tony took a running jump towards the Panda car the coppers arrived in. He watched in disbelief as Tony landed square onto the bonnet of the Panda car. He sunk into it, creating a perfectly round dent. A satisfying groan of pleasure escaped his mouth as he landed.

  Jesus, Tony! What the fuck are you doing? Nick Black’s mind screamed. What the fuck is he doing?

  Tony jumped off the bonnet, marched round to the side of the car, and began kicking the hubcaps, creating small dents, caring little for the pain it must have caused his toes. ‘Fuckers! Cunts! Fucking astinomia cunts!’ he was shouting as he began kicking the side panels in. He stopped for a second to bring both his fists down on the roof. A hollow clang rang out.

  He let out a demented laugh, and then returned to kicking in the side of the car. ‘Come on! Come on!’ he shouted.

  Charlie’s hands were planted on top of his shaking head, his bug eyes taking it all in; Nick Black was rooted to the spot, helpless.

  ‘What are you gawking at, Lewis! Bloody get over there and stop him!’ the sarge shouted to his colleague, pointing at Tony, obviously not packing the necessary balls to go and sort him out himself (not that Nick Black blamed him). Nick Black’s attention turned to Lewis, who was braver (or more stupid), and who had anger stamped all over his face. This Greek bastard was smashing up his car. It would be enough to piss anyone off.

  He raced over from Nick’s XR2 to their squad car, shouting ‘OOOOOI!’ at the same time. As he fled, he exposed Nick XR2 to Nick Black who was previously obscured from view, and Nick Black saw he was smiling—and it wasn’t any kind of smile, it was a ‘I love it when a plan comes together,’ Dr fucking No, ‘stroking my fluffy white cat while the world is severed in two by my neutron beam’ smug, self satisfied smile.

  He caught Nick Black staring at him and winked.

  He winked! He just fucking winked! The bloke ain’t human I swear!

  A sudden roar made Nick Black’s head spin. He locked eyes on Lewis as he bounced off Tony like a rubber ball and hit the tarmac, just as Tony brought his leg back for another assault on the Panda. Once Tony saw he had flattened the copper, he lifted his face to the night sky and roared like a lion.

  He then turned his attention back to the car.

  Lewis dusted himself off and charged again, rugby tackling Tony, forcing his ribs into the side of the car. Tony smashed into it with a grunt. Before he could react, Lewis stepped back and charged again. He smashed Tony into the car once more, winding him. Nick Black was expecting Tony to fight back, any second now he was going to spin round and deck the copper in one solid punch. But, he never did. Instead, he stayed where he was while Lewis repeatedly pummelled him into the side of the car. Tony just closed his eyes and took it.

  Is he letting him beat him on purpose? Nick Black pondered, unable to answer.

  Lewis grabbed Tony’s arm and yanked it behind his back, making him cry out in pain. Lewis—his face bright red—used Tony’s arm as a lever to bend him over before kicking his leg out underneath him, sending him to his knees.

  Meanwhile, the sarge was yelling frantically into his radio, calling for back up.

  Nick XR2 took the opportunity to sleekly move up next to him and smooth talk him. ‘He was the one who was smoking the cannabis, Officer,’ he whispered in his shell like. ‘I’ve told him not to so many times I’ve lost count ’cos this is what it does to him. Sends him…crazy, you know? But, he’s a big bloke and…’ Nick XR2 puffed his cheeks and shrugged as if to say ‘what can I do?’

  ‘He’s your friend?’ the sarge asked.

  ‘Not really. I know him from round my way. But, to tell you the truth, we’re a little bit scared of him.’

  There was a yell as Tony struggled beneath Lewis, who was sprawled on top of him having now managed to lay him flat on the road.

  Tony’s eyes still retained that blankness. ‘Fucking police scum! Fight like a man, you malaka!’ he screamed, the veins on his neck ready to burst.

  Nick XR2 shrugged. ‘See what I mean?’ he said to the sarge. The sarge looked at him with his cold stud like eyes, then at Tony and the havoc he had caused on his car.

  The sarge sighed, and scratched his forehead. ‘You got him, Lewis?’ he shouted.

  Lewis, pinning Tony down like a wrestler, turned his head. ‘I’m gonna need a hand with him, Sarge! He’s lively!’

  Nick Black chuckled to himself. Lively? Try totally fucking deranged, then you might be close…

  Tony continued to struggle beneath him, ranting and raving, swearing in both Greek and English.

  ‘Back up’s on its way,’ the sarge told him. ‘Just hold on till then.’ He turned his attention back to Nick XR2. ‘Bloody cannabis!’ he said. ‘This is what it does to people. That’s why it’s illegal.’

  Nick XR2 nodded. ‘I know. I know. I’ve told him so many times. But, what can you do, Officer, when someone doesn’t want to listen?’ He glanced at Nick Black as he spoke. Nick Black looked away. Nick Theodorou wasn’t his dad, he couldn’t tell him what to do and what not to do. And this copper obviously knew as much about cannabis as he did nuclear physics.

  Tony shouted out again, and managed to knock Lewis off his back, alerting the sarge, who immediately raced over to try and pin him down again before he could get to his feet.

  On his way, he spun
his head to the side. ‘You lot get out of here,’ he shouted. ‘We’ll sort this out.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ Nick XR2 asked. ‘We could help you with him.’

  Don’t milk the situation, you prick! Nick Black thought to himself with mild concern. It could backfire!

  ‘We’ll sort him out,’ the sarge replied over his shoulder. ‘You get out of here!’ He then shouted something into his radio that sounded like ‘urgent backup!’ before diving on Tony’s back, slapping him back down to the tarmac. Tony began lifting his arse up and down to try and shake him off, guttural sounds flying out of his mouth. For a few seconds it looked like they were dry humping. And for the first time in what seemed like ages, Nick Black actually laughed. A few hip movements later and Lewis joined them, and then they were both holding Tony down, who was somehow still managing to shout abuse even though his face was pressed into the tarmac. The sarge was frantically barking into his radio while bobbing up and down on top of Tony, riding him like a surfer rides a big wave.

  He looked back at them and cut his hand across the air. ‘I told you three to get out of here!’ he shouted again.

  ‘We better go,’ Charlie said, his stare never diverting from Tony and the two coppers.

  ‘What about Tony?’ Nick Black asked, suddenly concerned for him.

  ‘We’ll worry about him later,’ Nick XR2 said.

  Nick Black looked back at him coldly. ‘We can’t just leave him.’

  ‘Remember. Why. We. Have to. Go,’ Nick XR2 said monosyllable, attempting to hammer the point home.