Delphi Complete Works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (Illustrated)

by SIR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE

  NORAH. What can I hand you, uncle? (Gets bottle and spoon from mantelpiece.)

  CORPORAL. A spoonful from that bottle by the brass candlestick, my girl! (Drinks it.) It’s paregoric, (music) and rare stuff to cut the phlegm. (NORAH looks out of the window.) But what be you a peepin’ out o’ the window for ? (NORAH pushes window up, music louder.)

  NORAH (excitedly). Oh, uncle, here’s a regiment o’ soldiers comin’ down the street.

  CORPORAL (rising and clawing his way towards the window). A ridgement! Heh ! Where be my glasses ? Lordy, I can hear the band as plain as plain. Bands don’t seem to play as loud now-a-days though as they used. (Gets to the window.) Here they come, pioneers, drum-major, band ! What be their number, lass ? (His eyes shine, and his feet and stick tap to the music.)

  NORAH. They don’t seem to have no number, uncle. They’ve something wrote on their shoulders. Oxfordshire, I think it be.

  CORPORAL. Ah, yes. I heard as they had dropped the numbers, and given them new-fangled names. (shakes his head). That wouldn’t ha’ done for the Dook. The Dook would ha’ had a word there. (band up to ff). There they go, by Jimini! They’re young, but they hain’t forgot how to march. Blessed if I can see the light bobs though! (band dim. to pp). Well, they’ve got the swing, aye, they have the swing (gazes after them until the last files have disappeared).

  NORAH (helping him). Come back to your chair, uncle.

  CORPORAL. Where be that bottle again. It cuts the phlegm. It’s the toobes that’s wrong with me. Joyce says so, and he is a clever man. I’m in his club. There’s the card, paid up, under yon flat iron. (band stops) (suddenly slapping his thigh). Why, darn my skin, I knew as something was amiss.

  NORAH. Where, uncle.

  CORPORAL. In them soldiers. I’ve got’ it now. They’d forgot their stocks. Not one o’ them had his stock on (chuckles and croaks). It wouldn’t ha’ done for the Dook. No, by Jimini, the Dook would ha’ had a word there. (Door opens and SERGEANT appears beckoning comrade.)

  NORAH (peeping towards the door). Why, uncle, this is the soldier who came this morning — one of them with the blue coats and gold braid.

  CORPORAL. Eh, and what do he want ? Don’t stand and stare, lass, but go to the door and ask him what he wants.

  (She approaches the door, which is half open. SERGEANT MCDONALD of Artillery, his carbine in his hand, steps over the threshold and salutes.)

  SERGEANT. Good day again to you, miss. Is the old gentleman to be seen now ?

  NORAH. Yes, sir. That’s him. I’m sure he’ll be very glad to see you. Uncle, here is a gentleman who wants to speak with you.

  SERGEANT. Proud to see you, sir — proud and glad, sir I

  (Steps forward, grounds his carbine and salutes — NORAH, half frightened half attracted, keeps her eyes on the visitor.)

  CORPORAL (blinking at the SERGEANT). Sit ye down, sergeant, sit ye down ! (Shakes his head). You are full young for the stripes. Lordy, it’s easier to get three now, than one in my day, Gunners were old soldiers then, and the grey hairs came quicker than the three stripes.

  (SERGEANT puts carbine by window, NORAH takes off apron, folds it up, puts it in basket.)

  SERGEANT. I am eight years’ service, sir. McDonald is my name, Sergeant McDonald of H. Battery, Southern Artillery Division. I have called as the spokesman of my mates to say that we are proud to have you in the town, sir.

  (NORAH finishes clearing table, table cloth folded in drawer of dresser.)

  CORPORAL (chuckling and rubbing his hands). That was what the Regent said. “ The ridgement is proud of you,” says he. “ And I am proud of the ridgement,” says I. “A damned good answer, too,” says he, and he and Lord Hill bust out a-laughin’.

  SERGEANT. The non-commissioned mess would be proud and honoured to see you, sir. If you could step as far you will always find a pipe o’ baccy and a glass of grog awaitin’ you.

  CORPORAL. (laughing until he coughs). Like to see me, would they, the dogs ! Well, well, if this warm weather holds I’ll drop in — it’s likely that I’ll drop in. My toobes is bad to-day, and I feel queer here (slapping his chest). But you will see me one of these days at the barracks.

  SERGEANT. Mind you ask for the non-com. mess.

  CORPORAL. Eh ?

  SERGEANT. The non-com mess.

  CORPORAL. Oh, lordy ! Got a mess of your own, heh, just the same as the officers. Too grand for a canteen now. It wouldn’t have done for the Dook. The Dook would have had a word there.

  SERGEANT (respectfully). You was in the Guards, sir, wasn’t you ?

  CORPORAL. Yes, I am a guardsman, I am. Served in the 3rd Guards, the same they call now the Scots Guards. Lordy, sergeant, but they have all marched away, from Colonel Byng right down to the drummer boys, and hear am I, a straggler — that’s what I call myself, a straggler. But it ain’t my fault neither, for I’ve never had my call, and I can’t leave my post without it.

  SERGEANT (shaking his head). Ah, well, we all have to muster up there. Won’t you try my baccy, sir ? (Hands over pouch.,)

  CORPORAL. Eh ?

  SERGEANT. Try my baccy, sir ?

  (CORPORAL BREWSTER tries to fill his clay pipe, but drops it. It breaks, and he bursts into tears with the long helpless sobs of a child,)

  CORPORAL. I’ve broke my pipe ! my pipe !

  NORAH (running to him and soothing him). Don’t uncle, oh don’t! We can easy get another.

  SERGEANT. Don’t you fret yourself, sir, if you — you’ll do me the honour to accept it. ‘Ere’s a wooden pipe with an amber mouth.

  CORPORAL (his smiles instantly bursting through his tears, SERGEANT gets carbine). Jimini ! It’s a fine pipe ! See to my new pipe, gal ! I lay that Jarge never had a pipe like this. Eh, and an amber mouth, tool (Mumbles with it in his mouth,) You’ve got your firelock there, sergeant.

  SERGEANT. Yes, sir, I was on my way back from the butts when I looked in.

  CORPORAL. Let me have the feel of it!

  SERGEANT. Certainly, (gives carb.) Lordy, but it seems like old times to have one’s hand on a musket. What’s the manual, sergeant ? Eh ? Cock your firelock ! Present your firelock I Look to your priming ! Heh, sergeant! (The breech on being pressed flies open. NORAH is now top of table looking on). Oh, Jimini! I’ve broke your musket in halves.

  SERGEANT (laughing). That’s all right, sir! You pressed on the lever and opened the breech-piece. That’s where we load ‘em, you know.

  CORPORAL. Load ‘em at the wrong end ! Well, well, to think of it I and no ramrod neither. I’ve heard tell of it, but I never believed it afore. Ah ! it won’t come up to Brown Bess. When there’s work to be done you mark my words, and see if they don’t come back to Brown Bess.

  SERGEANT (rising). But I’ve wearied you enough for one sitting. I’ll look in again, and I’ll bring a comrade or two with me, if I may, for there isn’t one but would be proud to have speech with you. (Salutes. Exit.) My very best respects to you, Miss.

  NORAH. Oh, Uncle, isn’t he noble and fine? (Up to door, looks after him.)

  CORPORAL (mumbling). Too young for the stripes, gal. A sergeant of gunners should be a growed man. I don’t know what we are comin’ to in these days. (Chuckling.) But he gave me a pipe, Norah ! A fine pipe with an amber mouth. I’ll lay that brother Jarge never had a pipe like that.

  NORAH (aside nodding towards the door). To think that he will be like Uncle in sixty years, and that Uncle was once like him. (Forward to window L.) He seems a very kind young man, I think. He calls me “ Miss “ and Uncle “ sir,” so polite and proper. I never saw as nice a man down Essex way.

  CORPORAL. What are you moonin’ abont, gal I I want you to help me move my chair to the door, or maybe yon fancy chair will do. It’s warm, and the air would hearten me if I can keep back the flies. They get owdacious in this weather and they plague . me cruel.

  NORAH. The flies, Uncle.

  (He moves feebly across to where the sunshine comes in at the door, and he sits in it NORAH helps him.)
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  CORPORAL. Eh, but it’s fine ! It always makes me think of the glory to come. Was it to-day that parson was here ?

  NORAH. NO, Uncle. (Kneels on his L.)

  CORPORAL. Then it was yesterday. I get the days kind o’ mixed. He reads to me, the parson does.

  NORAH. But I could do that, Uncle.

  CORPORAL. YOU can read too, can you ? By Jimini, I never seed such a gal. You can travel by railroad and you can read. Whatever is the world comin’ to ? It’s the Bible he reads to me. (NORAH runs, gets Bible, and kneels again.)

  NORAH (opening the Bible). What part would you like to hear ?

  CORPORAL. Eh ? (NORAH repeats.)

  CORPORAL, Oh, them wars.

  NORAH. The wars !

  CORPORAL. Aye, keep to the wars ; “ Give me the Old Testament, parson,” says I, “ there’s more taste to it,” says I. Parson, he wants to get off to something else, but it’s Joshua or nothing with me. Them Israelites was good soldiers, good growed soldiers, all of ‘em.

  NORAH. But, Uncle, it’s all peace in the next world.

  CORPORAL. NO, it ain’t, gal.

  NORAH. Oh, yes, Uncle, surely.

  CORPORAL (irritably knocking his stick on the ground). I tell ye it ain’t, gal. I asked parson.

  NORAH. Well, what did he say ?

  CORPORAL. He said there was to be a last final fight.

  NORAH. Fight ?

  CORPORAL. Why, he even gave it a name, he did. The battle of Arm — Arm — The battle of Arm —

  NORAH. Armageddon.

  CORPORAL. Aye, that was the name. (Pauses thoughtfully.) I ‘spec’s the 3rd Guards will be there. And the Dook — the Dook’H have a word to say. (Sinks back a little in his chair. NORAH shuts window, puts Bible back.)

  NORAH. What is it, Uncle ? You look tired.

  CORPORAL (faintly). Maybe I have had air enough. And I ain’t strong enough to fight agin the flies.

  NORAH. Oh, but I will keep them off, Uncle.

  CORPORAL. They get owdacious in this weather. I’ll get back to the corner. But you’ll need to help me with the chair. (Knock.) Chairs are made heavier than they used to be.

  (Is in the act of rising when there comes a tap at the door, and COLONEL MIDWINTER (civilian costume) puts in his head.)

  COLONEL. Is this Gregory Brewster’s ?

  CORPORAL. Yes, sir. That’s my name.

  COLONEL. Then you are the man I came to see.

  CORPORAL. Who was that, sir ?

  COLONEL. Gregory Brewster was his name.

  CORPORAL. I am the man, sir

  COLONEL. And you are the same Brewster, as I understand, whose name is on the roll of the Scots Guards as having been present at the battle of Waterloo ?

  CORPORAL. The same Brewster, sir, though they used to call it the 3rd Guards in my day. It was a fine ridgement, sir, and they only want me now to make up a full muster.

  COLONEL (cheerily). Tut ! tut ! they’ll have to wait years for that. But I thought I should like to have a word with you, for I am the Colonel of the Scots Guards.

  (CORPORAL springing to his feet and saluting, staggers about to fall. The COLONEL and NORAH prevent it. NORAH on his L.)

  COLONEL. Steady, steady, (leads BREWSTER to other chair.) Easy and steady . . .

  CORPORAL (sitting down and panting). Thank ye, sir. I was near gone that time. But, Lordy, why I can scarce believe it. To think of me a corporal of the flank company, and you the colonel of the battalion I Lordy, how things do come round to be sure.

  (NORAH helps him into chair R. of table. COLONEL gets by fireplace).

  CORPORAL. That’s what the Regent said. “ The regiment is proud of ye,” says he. “ And I’m proud of the regiment,” says I

  COLONEL. And so you are actually he.

  CORPORAL. “ And a damned good answer, too,” says he.

  COLONEL. Why, we are very proud of you in London. And so you are actually one of the men who held Hougoumont. (Looks round him at the medicine bottles, etc.)

  (NORAH sits L. of table with needlework, taken from her basket.)

  CORPORAL. Yes, colonel, I was at Hougoumont.

  COLONEL. Well, I hope that you are pretty comfortable and happy.

  CORPORAL. Thank ye, sir, I am pretty bobbish when the weather holds, and the flies are not too owdacious. I have a good deal of trouble with my toobes. You wouldn’t think the job it is to cut the phlegm. And I need my rations, I get cold without ‘em. And my jints, they are not what they used to be.

  COLONEL. HOW’S the memory ?

  CORPORAL. Oh, there ain’t anything amiss there. Why, sir, I could give you the name of every man in Captain Haldane’s flank company.

  COLONEL. And the battle — you remember that ?

  CORPORAL. Why I sees it afore me. every time I shuts my eyes. Lordy, sir, you wouldn’t hardly believe how clear it is to me. There’s our line right along from the paragoric bottle to the inhaler, d’ye see ! Well then, the pill box is for Hougoumont on the right, where we was, and the thimble for Le Hay Saint. That’s all right, sir. (Cocks his head and looks at it with satisfaction.) And here are the reserves, and here were our guns and our Belgians, then here’s the French, where I put my new pipe, and over here, where the cough drops are, was the Proosians a comin’ up on our left flank, Jimini, but it was a glad sight to see the smoke of their guns. (NORAH helps him into chair.)

  COLONEL. And what was it that struck you most, now, in connection with the whole affair ?

  CORPORAL. I lost three half-crowns over it, I did. I shouldn’t wonder if I were never to get the money now. I lent them to Jabez Smith, my rear rank man at Brussels. “Grig!” says he, “I’ll pay you true, only wait till pay-day.” By Jimini, he was struck by a lancer at Quarter Brass, and me without a line to prove the debt. Them three half-crowns is as good as lost to me.

  COLONEL (laughing). The officers — of the Guards — want you to buy — yourself — some little trifle, some little present which may add to your comfort. It is not from me, so you need not thank me. (Slips a note into the old man’s baccy pouch. Crosses to leave.)

  CORPORAL. Thank you kindly, sir. But there’s one favor I’d ask you, Colonel.

  COLONEL. Yes, corporal, what is it ? 2

  CORPORAL. If I’m called, Colonel, you won’t grudge me a flag and a firing party. I’m not a civilian, I’m a Guardsman, and I should like to think as two lines of the bear-skins would be walkin’ after my coffin.

  COLONEL. All right, corpora! I’ll see to it. (CORPORAL sinks back in his chair.) I fear that I have tired him. He is asleep, I think. Good-bye, my girl; and I hope that we may have nothing but good news from you. (Exit COLONEL. )

  NORAH. Thank you, sir, I’m sure I hope so too. Uncle, uncle ! Yes, I suppose he is asleep. But he is so grey and thin, that he frightens me. Oh, I wish I had someone to advise me, for I don’t know when he is ill and when he is not.

  (Enter SERGEANT MCDONALD abruptly.)

  SERGEANT. Good day, Miss. How is the old gentleman ?

  NORAH. Sh I He’s asleep, I think. But I feel quite frightened about him.

  SERGEANT (going over to him). Yes, he don’t look as if he were long for this life, do he ? Maybe a sleep like this brings strength to him.

  NORAH. Oh, I do hope so.

  SERGEANT. I’ll tell you why I came back so quick. I told them up at the barracks that I’d given him a pipe, and the others they wanted to be in it too, so they passed round, you understand, and made up a pound of baccy. It’s long cavendish, with plenty o’ bite to it.

  NORAH. HOW kind of you to think of him !

  SERGEANT. DO you always live with him ?

  NORAH. NO, I only came this morning.

  SERGEANT. Well, you haven’t taken long to get straight.

  NORAH. Oh, but I found everything in such a mess. When I have time to myself I’ll soon get it nice.

  SERGEANT. That sounds like marching orders to me.

  NORAH. Oh, how could you think so I

  SERGEANT. Tell me,
Miss, have you ever been over a barrack ?

  NORAH. NO, I’ve been on a farm all my life.

  SERGEANT. Well, maybe, when he comes up you would come with him ? I’d like to show you over.