Gently she put her hand on his chest. He stiffened under her touch. It made her sad, but she was doing the right thing for herself and for them in the long run. She did not want to give Seth any false pretenses.
"You don't want me, do you?” Seth asked her in the softest, most despair laden voice she had ever heard. The tone cleaved her heart. She hated tugging his heartstrings. Jayd couldn't think of what to do, so she leaned in and pressed her lips to his. He didn't respond. She took his hand and turned her cheek into his palm.
"I want you, Seth.” Jayd's voice cracked. She hadn't realized how hard this would be. “I-I just need some time to figure things out. You have to realize that all of this ... you, me, vampires, coming back from the dead ... it's all a little overwhelming. A lot of changes have happened to me over the past couple of days. I need to process it. More than what would normally happen to me. I don't want to lead you on. I don't want to jump into bed with you and then tell you that I need time to be alone and figure out my new life. I care about you. I know you had a hand in bringing me back to life. I'm sure there's a lot that you have to tell me. I see how much you care for me. I see it in your eyes and in your thoughts. But I want to be fair to you. Trust me, you don't know how long I've lusted after you, watching you in the shop these past two years. I don't want to give you the wrong signals. Can you understand that?"
Seth nodded, but removed his hand from hers. Jayd felt the absence of his warmth. Now she wished that she'd kept her mouth shut. She wanted to cry again. But there was no way for her to express her sadness. Seth stepped back from her and stared at her.
"I understand, Jayd. And I'll give you the time you need. I've spent this long waiting for you. I can wait. You're right. I did have a hand in you coming back. There are rules that we'll both have to follow."
Jayd felt terror crawl up her spine. Rules? What kind of rules? “Like what?"
"You can't kill or feed off an innocent. If you do, it would be my job to take your head. When I kissed you, I marked you as a Raven Warrior. You have our powers now, but are not cursed like I am."
"Wait, if I'm like you, then why am I still a vampire? What does it mean that you marked me?"
Seth put up his hand and Jayd knew she shouldn't have interrupted. “When I kissed you, I marked you for my heartmate, Jayd. I gave you the one gift that comes with my curse. You're still a vampire because that damage had already been done to you and imprinted on your soul. Because I shared part of me with you, I share your hunger when you share my heart beat. You will feed on me alone. If you don't, then I have it within my power to take your head. Please don't make me have to do that."
Jayd began to shake, realizing what Seth said. Her hunger hinged on him. Her existence hinged on him. “What if you're not there and I need to feed? I don't want to hurt anyone."
"My curse only allows me to be mortal in your realm on the three days of the full moon and the eight Pagan holidays. In this realm, if you need me, I will be human for you. I will watch out for you to make sure that you do not harm anyone. But you have to trust me and have an open mind so I can communicate with you. Jayd, there is much that I want to show you and tell you, but I will not have you hurting anyone."
Jayd took in what Seth said. She nodded. It made her feel somewhat better that there was someone watching out for her so she did not have to keep a constant eye on herself when it came to monitoring her hunger. She did not know how long it would be until she would have to feed again. Right now, she needed time to figure things out. Seeing the rift between them made her wonder if she was doing the right thing. Should she jump into a relationship with him? Jayd took a step forward and reached out to Seth. He took a step back and shook his head. The look on his face cut her to the quick and shook her soul. She bowed her head and wanted to let the imprisoned tears flow from behind her lids. However, they were not about to be shed. For now, she needed to go and escape. In doing that, she felt the coldness of the darkness take her. She didn't care where she went. She wanted to be somewhere Seth was not. She wanted somewhere light could not penetrate, where no notion of love existed, or where her heart was going to be able to sort everything out. The darkness was all she desired.
The air moved around her, and when she opened her eyes once again, she was surrounded by the scent of mold and mildew. She realized that she was in her cellar. Perfect, Jayd thought. When she realized it, she was tired. She looked up at one of the cellar windows. Through the dirt caked glass she saw the sun was up and felt her body was slowing down. She had to sleep. She might have died, but instinct told her that the sun was danger. So she settled into the corner, curled in a ball, and felt somewhat like she had when she was a child and her father was coming to kill her. Jayd shivered and let the darkness over take her mind and when it did, she heard her heart whisper in the darkness, crying out for Seth.
* * * *
The next time Jayd opened her eyes, it was night. She sensed the sun had set. When she thought about it, she was no longer hungry. It was quiet now. Whatever personality she had in her was not squawking at her to feed. The house was silent above her. She didn't feel Seth nearby. She was grateful of that. That he was giving her the space that she had asked for. However, it felt empty. That was what she had wanted. He was giving her everything she had asked for. He said that he would, and it made her feel all the worse. Jayd got up and stretched. Around her, the night extended. It seemed the moon was talking to her. She wasn't sure what it was saying, but she knew there was much for her to experience. For now, it dampened thoughts of Seth, and she was able to go upstairs and experience the darkness for what it was.
Jayd opened the door to her cellar and looked around the kitchen. This was her home, but it didn't resemble the person she had become. It belonged to someone else. This is ridiculous. This is my home. There is nothing wrong with it. Jayd nodded to herself and decided that she was going to take a shower. After everything that had happened to her, she felt dirty. She walked upstairs, but when she did, she caught something sitting on her kitchen table. It was another red envelope. Her hands started shaking. I can handle this. Patrick is dead. My stalker is dead. I don't have to worry about anyone coming to get me anymore. The coven is in shambles and Aubrey is dead. Still Jayd approached it with caution. She reached out and took the envelope. She slid her finger under the slit and pulled out the letter inside. It read,
Welcome to the night. Listen to the whispers in the dark and you'll hear me.
Jayd crumpled the paper and threw it across the room. No one was going to rule her, even if the person were dead. But she found that when she did close her eyes and listen to the night, just to see, there was nothing in the night save the hum of the moon. She couldn't hear Patrick. I'm truly free of him. Jayd turned and headed upstairs to take a shower. When she got into the bathroom, her reflection shocked her. She didn't know if that was even her staring back. Jayd tentatively reached out and touched the mirror. Movies said that vampires didn't have souls and therefore should not have reflections. She did. Her unruly blonde hair was longer and not so unruly. It didn't curl any more, but was wavy. Her eyes had changed color, too, and they were now a deep jade green to match the darkest stone she had ever seen sold in her shop. My God. I don't even look like myself anymore. I look like something out of a movie. I'm not even me anymore. Jayd turned away from the mirror thinking about the perfection of what she had seen in the mirror. Was that her, or something that she'd been made into? Did she feel something like her old self? Jayd stripped her dirty and bloody clothing. She dropped it on the floor and climbed under the hot shower. Sharp needles of water fell against skin, but the drops didn't stab her flesh. In a way, they made her feel lonelier. In her mind, the web from the coven had fallen away, and she couldn't hear their whispers anymore. It wasn't that she wanted them there in the first place, but she wasn't alone. Having Seth in her mind had made her feel not alone, but she had shut him out. That was what I had wanted, and he is giving me exactly that. Jayd rested her head against t
he cool tiles and shut the water off. The shower hadn't made her feel any cleaner.
She slammed her hand into the wall, hearing it crack. She looked up and saw that she had put a hole in her shower wall. Jayd sighed. This was no way to live. She ran her hand through her hair, got out of the shower, and threw on some clean clothes. The weave of the fabric pricked her skin and dug into it. She got in her car and went over to the shop. The lights were off, and the closed sign was on the door. Her longing for her aunt came back. She wanted Gabrielle in her life at that moment. Jayd went inside.
The aroma of incense was overwhelming. She could smell the scent of must setting in. She could hear the spiders spinning their webs in the corners because she hadn't gotten a chance to sweep them away. Jayd stood in the middle of the store. This was home. It didn't feel foreign. It was still her place. Jayd looked at the hours written on the calendar. She could still make a living at what she was doing. Aubrey had existed in the daylight. She would have to have more blood to do it. Somehow, Jayd didn't think that was something she could work on at the moment. First, she needed to get the shop back open. Jayd looked around her and realized that the moon was a spotlight in the sky and that outside on the telephone pole was the largest black raven she had ever seen. It was Seth watching out for her. Her thoughts almost reached out to him, but she reined them in at the last second. Jayd turned away and focused on the store. Her life might have changed, but she was going to make it into something useful. She nodded to herself. It was time to live her life again.
* * * *
The days passed, and Jayd found that even though her store was open a little bit later, she found that her business was busier. When two weeks passed, her other masseurs returned from Vegas, and when someone asked about Aubrey, Jayd told them that she quit. Jayd began to get into a routine and was managing quite well. Even her hunger was playing along and keeping itself at bay. She found that when the shop was crowded, she was able to concentrate on something else. The sounds of the heartbeats slipped to the back of her mind. By the third week, being around the mortals was excruciating. She wanted, no needed, to feed, but she was holding herself together.
Jayd could appeal to Seth and meet him at his cabin, but she didn't. She kept an eye on the calendar and found herself counting down to the full moon. Then she would see Seth. Every day the stabbing hunger grew worse. One night when she woke, she doubled over with hunger. When she opened her eyes, it was the full moon, she could tell from the cold spotlight shining down on top of her. The hunger in her belly was ripe to be plucked, but when she rose from her bed, she felt another presence in the room. Her teeth grew and she snarled. When she turned, there, sitting on the bed, was Seth. He looked.
"God, you scared me,” Jayd murmured.
"It wasn't my intention.” His voice was flat. His face a marble mask. Jayd hated to see him suffering. He didn't do anything except arch his neck and move aside his dreadlocks.
Jayd licked her lips absently and reached out to touch his smooth skin. Seth didn't stir. Jayd let her fangs slide into his neck and tasted his warm heavy blood. Once it hit the back of her throat, she swallowed and pulled with all her might. She let her fingers crawl over the bed and settle on top of Seth's hand. She tried to entwine her fingers with his, but he would not comply. The wall between them had been strengthened by him. It made her sad and brought back the loneliness of the past month. Her heart beat slightly faster than it had before, and she was warmer. Finally, she pulled away and looked up at Seth. Emotions swirled inside of Jayd's heart.
"Seth, I...” Jayd raised her hand to try and touch his cheek, but he grabbed her hand and held it at bay.
"No, Jayd. That was not what you wanted."
Jayd felt a lump rise in her throat. He was right. It was not what she asked for. She hung her head. “I know."
Seth rose and then he bowed. “Then I bid you good-bye, lovely Jayd.” The shadows collected him, and Jayd was alone.
When Seth left, Jayd felt the emptiness in her heart growing. Every night when she awoke, he was there watching over her. Her life continued. The shop was doing well and she was getting new shipments. Jayd felt seminormal when she was organizing. It made time go by faster. It took her mind off her growing hunger, which she soon began to find that the rhythm of it was similar to getting PMS. First, she got restless. Next, she got irritable. Then, she was in pain. By that time, Seth was there waiting to feed her. He was chivalrous and treated her as a gentleman would the second time he appeared at her house. Jayd wasn't surprised to see him this time. She was expecting him. This time, things between them seemed sterile. He didn't say anything to her, only arched his neck so she could have a clean shot at it. Her heart stilled at that and it was hard to swallow. If she hadn't been in so much pain, she wouldn't have accepted it. She would have said something to him. But he held her life in his veins, and she needed him. So she bit into his throat and drew on his blood. Jayd had tried to wind her thoughts around his, to find some opening in his mind, but there was no loose mortar. There was nothing she could do. She withdrew. Seth bowed and then left her alone.
Now it was the third month. Jayd had reorganized the books in her bedroom three times to try to keep her mind off Seth. But when the month had progressed from her last feeding, Jayd had begun to realize that her loneliness was not because she was living her life like she had done in the past. It was because she missed Seth. Her heart called out to him every night. She didn't know how to tell him. Jayd loved him. Whatever walls had been around her heart had crumbled. Jayd had to set her heart straight. She had to talk to him. A smile crossed her lips when an idea came over her. She knew one way to get him. The night Jayd woke up, her mind was made up. Tonight was the night. Her hunger had started to creep into her system biting at her insides. She could hold it off for a little while longer. Jayd stopped at the pizza place and got the biggest order of french fries with everything on them, including chili. They smelled great, but she didn't dare try to eat them. It would make her stomach sour. She set them on the table and made sure that the closed sign was turned over. She didn't need the light, but she did light a few candles.
"Seth,” she whispered. Jayd waited, listening, but didn't hear anything. She waited a little bit longer and still there was nothing, “Seth, I know you can hear me. Please come out. I have french fries. I thought you might be craving them."
With that, she heard a laugher in the darkness. “And what makes you think that you can entice me with those?"
Jayd sighed and sat down in the empty chair. Her head fell between her hands. She opened her mind, dropping the walls between her and Seth. His were still there. She couldn't lie to herself any more than she could lie to Seth. For the past two months, her loneliness had grown, and she longed to feel Seth's warm arms around her. She wanted him to hold her when she drank from him rather than only having his blood flowing through her veins. She wanted to smell his scent next to her and to feel his hair twining between her fingers. She yearned to feel the ecstasy of his thoughts blending with hers. Her body started wracking with silent sobs. “Because. I ... I..."
She didn't look up. He was still in the shadows, observing her doing his duty. She had gotten used to his presence being there, but there had been no closeness. Her heart had come to the point where she realized that she needed Seth there.
"Because you what, Jayd? You haven't fed yet. Is your offering only something to fatten me up?” Now his voice was cold. “I know your hunger. I can feel it throbbing in you like a second heartbeat. It's consuming you. Do you want to take an innocent life? Is that it?” She felt his breath hot on her skin.
"You're not some juice box, Seth. I need you."
"Of course you do.” Seth stepped from the shadows and knelt before Jayd. “Whenever you're ready."
Jayd looked up. His eyes were shut. His head was cocked to the side. The same way it was the past two times she'd fed from him. It was sterile, like he was being used. She didn't want him to think this was a procedure. Her
teeth shifted, but she pushed that aside and focused on Seth. Each of his eyelashes were perfect. There was a lot more silver in his hair than there had been before. She didn't know why she hadn't seen it before. He was lovely. Jayd got to her knees too and kissed the side of his neck lightly. She let her tongue slide along his pulsating vein. She ran a hand over his chest. Jayd looked back at his face. Seth opened his eyes and they flashed silver. Jayd felt his anger and his passion. His emotions were an open wound that hadn't healed. She was making it wider. He grabbed her wrist and pushed it away. A small growl escaped him. Jayd searched his eyes, but didn't move. She leaned in a little closer, touching her lips to his and kissing his lightly. Silently begging him to accept her, her mind twittered on the edge of his. She wanted him to understand how much of a fool she had been. Of course Jayd desired Seth. She had always wanted him. She had never let her guard down enough for her heart to see it. Being alone made her understand what her needs were. Now she longed for him to understand that her heart was open.
"Don't toy with me, Jayd.” Seth snarled. “I'm giving you what you want. No amount of french fries can make you change that. You set the rules, remember? Now let's get this over with so I can enjoy the rest of my night."
Jayd felt defeat creep into her heart. There had to be a different way to approach him. Jayd let her hunger take her. She opened her mouth and bit deep into his neck. Seth jumped and groaned. Jayd felt an opening in his armor. She took the opportunity and slipped inside his mind, winding images of them together through his thoughts. She heard his breath quicken when she put her wanting into his mind. His blood surged into her mouth when she heard him moan. He began to pull away from her.
Whispers in the Dark [A Raven Saga Book 3] Page 21