Hold Your Breath 03 - My Captain, My Earl

by K. J. Jackson

  Jason.

  Dinner could have been extremely painful, and she had been dreading it all day, but thankfully, Jason did not attend. She wasn’t sure if he had left Curplan or was choosing not to dine with the rest. Either way, she didn’t dare ask.

  It was in the silence of her own room, in bed late that night, when her thoughts took on a mind of their own. As much as she tried to shove Jason out of her mind, she could not.

  Down to a thin chemise, Katalin rippled the fabric at her chest, trying to puff air onto her skin. The heat of the day had not dissipated. No breeze graced the open window, and the thick warmth did nothing to help her fall asleep. She flopped onto her back in her bed, forearm covering her face.

  Jason was alive—alive. A miracle.

  But within that miracle, he did not claim her as his wife. He saw her. Talked to her. Yet did not claim her. And it was clear he had no intention of doing so.

  Hell. She wasn’t even sure if their marriage was legitimate with English law to begin with. Could a self-proclaimed man of God on an island in the middle of nowhere really marry them? Maybe Jason knew that. Plus, everyone called him Clapinshire. Was Jason Christopherson even his true name? But that was the name he married her under. A false name? A rogue pastor? Were they ever really married?

  She took a deep breath, trying to quell tears before they started again. The truth was that it didn’t matter if their marriage was legal or not. It was real to Katalin. She was his wife. He was her husband. Painfully real.

  And that brutal truth was the cruelest part of him being alive.

  That he was alive was a gift in itself. She would rather have him alive than dead, even if he did not want her.

  But it meant losing him all over again. Shards of the destruction that had been her life after she thought he died hit her. Could she really go through that again?

  An errant thought popped into her head. Maybe this had been Jason’s plan all along. Use her while he was on her ship and then dispose of her once he went back to his land. Maybe.

  Katalin jerked upright in bed, staring at the shadows on the walls. Her eyes veered to the open window. The moon was bright.

  She needed to get out of here.

  Not bothering to put on a dress, Katalin shrugged into a light robe and slipped barefoot through the dark house. She heard nothing, so could only assume all were asleep.

  Making her way outside, her feet carried her without thought down the sloping hill to the pond where she had first seen Jason, thinking he was a ghost.

  She stopped at the bench, sitting, staring at the willow tree branches she had seen him in. She was a fool. She had railed at him like an idiot. A fool. Maybe he thought she was crazy. Maybe that was why he denied her.

  Standing, she walked over to the weeping willow, stepping into the shadows of the hanging leaves. Her fingers wrapped along a long hanging branch, mindlessly plucking free the tear-drop leaves.

  “What are you doing here, Kat?”

  She jumped as his voice, low and rumbling like she always remembered it, cut through the thick air behind her. She expected to be alone out here, but he had always known where she was on the ship—time had passed, but why would he be any different?

  Turning, she faced him, fingers still entwined in the branch. The white linen shirt he had on glowed in the moonlight, tucked into buckskin breeches cut off at the knees by tall black boots. Her breath caught. He looked like he could be on her ship. Cleaned up, but on her ship.

  “I could not sleep.”

  “No, Katalin. Here at Curplan. All my sister would tell me is that you and your father are Southfork’s guests. Why are you here?”

  “Oh. I…” What could she tell him? She needed to find a husband with a title to protect her from hanging for piracy? No.

  She took a deep breath, fingers tightening on the malleable branch. “Lady Pentworth is my mother.”

  “Your what?”

  “My mother. She is alive. I just found out months ago. I am illegitimate. It is why we are here—to meet. Lady Southfork is her niece, my cousin, and Lord Southfork agreed to host us here.”

  Even in the shadows, she could see his eyes narrow at her. “You could have met her anywhere. Why bring Southfork and his wife into it? My sister and the duke? Why are you really here, Kat?”

  “A vicious twist of fate?” Her head tilted back, and she had to hold in a delirious laugh as she stared at the bright moon through the willow leaves. She looked at him. “I had no idea the duchess was your sister, Jason. My cousin asked them to come, to help.”

  “Help with what?”

  Katalin bit the inside of her cheek, exhaling. She could not hide this truth, and he would find out soon enough. “My father and mother both wish to see me married. Give me a respectable life. My mother cannot claim me, but this—this she can do. Make me acceptable to society.”

  He paused, his head jerking away to the pond before looking back to her. “So you are here for a husband?”

  She stared at him, unable to answer. He had denied her last night. All she had wanted was for him to grab her. Hold her. Call her his wife again.

  But he did not.

  And she could see right now, he still had no intention of doing so.

  She nodded.

  He rushed her, willow branches flying as he thundered to her. Stopping, his chest almost touched her, his breathing harsh.

  But he said nothing as he glared down at her. Made no movement to touch her.

  Katalin’s heart constricted. He still was not going to claim her.

  Tell him. Her mind screamed. Tell him.

  Instead, she spun away, unable to take his heat that close to her body. Crossing her arms over her stomach, she took a few steps from him, her back toward him. “Who are you, Jason? Why do they call you Lord Clapinshire?”

  “I am an earl, Katalin.”

  Her chin went over her shoulder to look at him. “An earl? And you never thought to mention that fact to me?”

  “I was not an earl at the time we met. My father was still alive when I was thrown onto the first ship. He died in the years I was away.”

  “Jason.” She turned back to him, stepping close as she grabbed his arm. “I am…I am so sorry. I remember that he was very dear to you.”

  He shrugged her hand off his arm. “Yes, well, it is years past at this point.”

  “Oh. Of course.” Her hand fell back to her side. “I am sorry, Jason. I am still trying to come to terms with the fact that you are alive. Alive and here. But not acknowledging—I do not know the right things to do—to say.”

  “I do not think there is anything to do or say.”

  “What?” She rubbed her forehead, anger starting to flush her limbs. “Then why in the hell are you out here, Jase? It is the middle of the night. Why the hell are you torturing me like this?”

  “And what you did to me was not torture, Kat?”

  “Me?” She stepped in, finger poking his chest. “You told me you would wait, Jase. This life or the next, you said. You promised. Day after day. Well, here we are. Together. The next life. A miracle we both survived what we did. That I…”

  She cut off her words, turning from him, head shaking. “And you do not care. You did not wait for me. It was a lie. All of it. You were a lie.”

  “I never lied to you, Katalin.”

  “No?” She dragged her palm across her cheeks, wiping away frustrated tears. “Everything we had was a lie, if this is what you would do to me now. Treat me like this. It meant nothing to you. I meant nothing to you.” She whipped back to him, fists hard in her thighs. “And I would have died for you, Jason. Died for you.”

  “But you did not. You chose to have me hanged instead.”

  Her gasp sent her staggering backward, away from his cold words. “No. I told you. You cannot think—I was stupid, Jase. I trusted my father and I should not have. I believed to my core I was saving you. And I have had to live with the torment of my own stupidity for years. You do not know wha
t it is like, waking up every day, knowing what I caused. That I killed you.”

  Her words had no effect. If anything, Jason looked even colder.

  “Pretend you never saw me, Kat. Pretend I am still dead. You were clearly doing well before I showed up.”

  He spun, starting to leave.

  She lunged, grabbing his arm, stopping him as she rounded his body to plant herself in front of him. “No. This is vicious, Jason. You cannot be alive. Alive and in front of me. And then you ask me to give up on you. Give up on us. I cannot do it. I love you. I have never stopped loving you.”

  “There is no us, Katalin.”

  Her grip tightened on his arm. And then the possible reality that he had moved on from her hit her.

  Her soul would be forever wrapped up in this man, and he could have forgotten her. Hell. He could have married another for all she knew.

  Her throat closing, she forced words out before the ability left her. “You no longer love me?”

  “Kat, I do not know—I never expected to see your eyes again.”

  He tried to move away, but she snatched his other arm, not letting him move. She couldn’t speak, could only stare up at him, demanding he look at her. Answer her.

  “Blast it.” He sighed, shaking his head. His eyes met hers. “Of course I do, Kat. Why the hell do you think I am out here? But you left me to die. You. You made that choice—you tied the noose and abandoned me. What am I to do with that? I need to let you go, Kat, but I am having a damned time doing so.”

  Katalin’s legs went weak, and she almost dropped, but in the next instant, his hand went fully over her mouth, and he spun her, grabbing her around the waist. He lifted her, dragging her deep into the cover of the willow. On the dark side of the tree trunk, he set her down on her feet, but didn’t remove his hand from her mouth or his arm from its solid hold around her waist.

  It took several seconds for Katalin to figure out why they were suddenly hiding. She heard the laughter before she saw them. And then into moonlit view, the marquess and Reanna moved down the hillside to the water, his arm tight around her shoulder.

  Katalin could hear the marquess talking in a low whisper but could not hear what he said. Reanna laughed again. Within a minute, they were at the water’s edge by the wrought iron bench.

  A dried twig dug deep into her bare foot, and Katalin shifted. Jason’s hand dropped from her mouth. With the movement, Katalin became acutely aware that her entire backside was molded into Jason, their breathing in unison. If anything, his hold around her waist had tightened since her cousin and Lord Southfork had appeared.

  Her hands went to the bark of the trunk in front of her, closing her eyes as she tried to steady herself against the feel of him. The scent of him.

  But then the laughter by the pond made her eyes open, and all of her attention went to the scene before her.

  Already shirtless, the marquess was quickly losing his trousers. His wife was already naked.

  Blast it.

  Trapped. Utterly trapped, and this in front of them. Blast it.

  Both laughing, the marquess snatched his wife, lifting her up and carrying her into the water. With abandon and a wicked chuckle, he plunged both of them deep into the water. Her squeals surfaced when their heads broke free of the water. Squeals that were quickly squelched by the marquess as he attacked his wife, kissing her into silence.

  Captivated, Katalin slowly shook her head. “We should not be watching this,” she whispered.

  “No. We should not.” Jason’s breath was hot on her ear.

  Focus not leaving the water, she stole a glance at his face out of the corner of her eye. “You are not averting your eyes.”

  “Neither are you.”

  “How can I? She is beautiful. Him as well.”

  Jason grunted next to her. For a moment, she thought it was in anger, but then his arm on her belly tightened, and she could feel him growing hard against her lower back. No, not angry. Not angry at all.

  Guilt over watching the entirely too-intimate moment was starting to war with Katalin’s guttural need to have Jason’s hands on her. To feel his heartbeat, listen to his breath, curl into his body—his body that she had missed for so long.

  And then the marquess and Reanna clearly started making love, her body rising up and down in the water, his hands lifting her, roaming her skin, mouth moving from one breast to the other.

  Katalin swallowed hard, frozen. “We are not moving.”

  “We are stuck. It would make noise.” With his whisper, she could feel his chest vibrate with the words. Feel his lips next to her head. His attention was clearly no longer on the pond. It was on her. Fully on her.

  His free hand slipped up slowly along the side of her body, moving inward to curve around her breast. But it was not enough for him, and he slid his fingers under the thin fabric of her robe, pushing down her loose chemise to get to her skin, her nipple.

  Katalin closed her eyes, head arching back to his shoulder. The thought of stopping him didn’t even enter her head. Her thighs tightened at his touch, her core already throbbing. It had been far too long. Hating her or not, he still knew what to do to her body.

  His head came down, lips on the base of her neck. “Hell. You feel the same, Kat. Your body on mine. Your flesh still fits to my hands.”

  She pulled her left hand from the bark to grab the back of his head, holding him to her bare skin.

  “God, Kat, I cannot be near you like this. Not without touching you.”

  “So touch me.”

  His groan was low, soft, but it held every intention in its soft rumble. His hand around her waist dropped, his forearm sliding between her legs as he worked the chemise up, his fingers eventually finding her bare leg, prickling her skin as he ran his hand up her inner thigh. Katalin doubled forward when his fingers, warm and thick, slid into her folds.

  She would have screamed, but his other hand came up, covering her mouth, smothering the noise. He pulled her back into him, straightening her against his body, his hand still over her open mouth.

  She rode his hand for minutes, trying to catch both air and her senses, and when she did, she realized Jason pulsated even harder into her lower back.

  Mouth still open, she slid one of his fingers between her teeth, capturing, sucking at the exact moment she wedged both hands behind her, grabbing him. It took a moment to gain access past the fall front of his breeches, but once she set him free, he strained large into her hands, raw and demanding.

  She took the opportunity, her fingertips flowing up and down his smooth skin, exploring each and every ridge of him, until his breath at her ear turned just as ragged as her own.

  Katalin went to her toes, stroking him hard, trying to pull him under all the fabric of her chemise and robe. Trying to make contact.

  “Jason, please.” Her voice was a begging whisper. “Please, Jase, I need you in me. In me deep. Your body in mine.”

  He didn’t shift to move the fabric between them, instead answering with his hand, his fingers plunging into her, her thumb circling harder.

  “Jase, please.” She pulled on him hard, unable to stop her own hand from mirroring his deep finger strokes. He only quickened his pace, refusing to enter her.

  His growl came, reverberating in her ear as she could feel him shudder behind her, the sudden wetness on her hand. The contractions under her fingers.

  But she was already too close to her own edge to pull away, and she could only grind down on Jason’s hand in her as her fingertips went to the rough bark in front of her, tearing the wood.

  Jason teased and prodded, pushing her until she spasmed hard, trying to control her scream.

  The hand over her mouth told her she wasn’t successful. She didn’t give a damn.

  When she was no longer in danger of sound, his hand dropped from her mouth and he let her night rail fall to her feet.

  “I am still yours, Jase.” She got out between ragged breaths, her chin on her own chest. “Do not de
ny yourself from me.”

  “No.” The word was instantly in her ear. “There is no us. I am no fool, Katalin. I will not fall under your spell again.”

  His hands left her body as he stepped away, sudden cold spots where his heat had been.

  Support gone, Katalin struggled to find footing on her weak legs, fingernails digging into the wood of the willow as she propped her forehead on the rough trunk. Her eyelids closed tight, attempting to squeeze in the tears determined to fall.

  Her mind started to work again before her body did.

  He had just used her. Used her and left her.

  A hot flush ran up her neck, flooding her face.

  Humiliation.

  Humiliation only made more bitter by the heated laughter from the pond.

  { Chapter 15 }

  Four miserable days went by. Poking by the dressmaker, scolding by her mother, and agonizing dinners where she had to watch Jason, drunk, avoid her like the plague.

  He never looked at her, never acknowledged her in conversation, never gave the slightest hint he thought there was anything but empty air where she was.

  What he was still doing at Curplan was beyond her. It was obvious his reasons had nothing to do with her—or maybe it was to make sure she told no one of their past.

  On day five, Katalin was sitting in the Primrose drawing room, sketching out both the procession into the dining room and the proper seating arrangement at a dinner party that included a viscount, two barons, the wives of each, a dowager duchess, the son of a count, the granddaughter of an earl, and the second daughter of a marquess. Her mother’s watchful eye hovered over her placements, offering only the slightest grunt of approval when she placed them in the appropriate order.

  Her mother did not afford Katalin the tiniest, “well done,” even though Katalin had not made a mistake in days about the hierarchy of the peers.

  Katalin stifled a sigh. What was she even doing in this country? A country that clearly did not like her. Her mother only tolerated her presence, and Jason hated her. She truly did not think she could undergo this torture for much longer, her heart hurting at every turn.