Hold Your Breath 03 - My Captain, My Earl

by K. J. Jackson

  “Bloody hell. Who is the bastard?”

  She did not look up at him. “I do not know. My father refuses to tell me more than the name Daunte. But he did reach out to my mother for help. She is the one that concocted the plan to have me married. She believes it will keep me safe. I do not know the laws, but she says if I marry a peer, I will be afforded the privilege of peerage that comes along with a title.”

  Jason gave a low whistle. “And to speak slander against a peer is punishable. That alone would stop most from such accusations.”

  Katalin nodded, still keeping her head down. “Beyond that, she believes if I marry a man above reproach, with enough power, it is additional insurance to my safety. My father has settled a respectable dowry upon me—large enough to draw the right attention, but not overly large to attract the wrong sort of man, or so my mother tells me.”

  Niggling thoughts of suspicion entered Jason’s mind as he looked at the top of her honey-red hair. Was it even possible that she knew he was alive? That she knew who his sister was? How to get to him? The coincidence of her showing up at Curplan was suspect, and he could not attribute it to fate.

  Fate was not something he believed in anymore.

  “Your mother is unusually canny.”

  Katalin shrugged, the fire gone from her voice as she finally looked up at him. “Is she? I do not know her very well. At all, truth told. I do not know anything about any of this, Jason. All of this is happening to me and I have no control. But I have no other options. So I am doing what I am told. This is your world, Jason, not mine. The customs, the laws, the social mores—all of it is foreign to me, and I am trapped. Trapped and just trying to survive in it long enough to protect what is most important.”

  “You are correct—you do not know what you are dealing with, Katalin, which is all the more reason that telling my sister and your cousin about your past was a mistake. There is no arguing it. What would happen if others knew? The truth of your past? If it spread?”

  Her eyes turned worried. “Is your sister not to be trusted?

  “Of course she is.”

  “And my cousin, is she not to be trusted?”

  “I do not know. Southfork I trust, but I do not know his wife that well. All I care about—” He cut himself off, not able to finish his sentence. Not with all the doubts in his head. Not with memories of her past actions still haunting him.

  “All you care about is what, Jason?” Ire immediately flashed back into her eyes. “What could you possibly care about? You have made it perfectly clear that it is not me you care about. So is it you? Are you afraid I told them of us?”

  “Yes, but not—”

  “Not to worry upon that, Jase. As I told you, they know nothing of us. And I have to get inside for another fitting.” She began walking away.

  Jason stared at her retreating back. “So you can just move onward like that? Callous? Cold? You need a husband so go and find a husband?”

  She stopped.

  Seconds passed, but she did not step forward, did not turn around.

  But at her sides, her hands stretched back and forth from straight, to fists, to straight.

  The fists won.

  She spun, flying back to him, arm waving in a wide arc and voice harsh. “What happened to you, Jason? What happened? Who are you? What the hell did you turn into?”

  She stopped in front of him, eyes blazing, chest heaving, her anger palpable.

  Blast it. All he wanted to do was grab her, throw her on the ground and take her. Take her in broad daylight. Take her hard. And leave no mistake about whom she belonged to.

  But he couldn’t. He couldn’t shake the feeling he was about to be consumed by her—one small spark away from hell.

  “What did I turn into?” he asked.

  “You ask what? How about the willow?” Her arm flew wide again and Jason had to duck so he didn’t get hit.

  “You say cold, callous, Jase? What you did to me the other night under the willow—that was not the man I used to know. You never would have humiliated me so. Used me. Then left me like that. You never possessed that cruelty. You used to be even, Jason. Even. I loved that about you. You were always solid. Through everything you had been through. What we went through. You were even. A rock. You let nothing beat you. You were calm, always moving forward, even when you had nowhere to go.”

  She stepped into him, closing off the little space that was still between them. Chin tilted up to him, her voice went low, accusing.

  “You lost your peace, Jason. You lost it. And you are not the man I knew.”

  “What the hell do you expect, Kat? You took my peace. You. Do you think I wanted to finally get back to England and then drink myself nightly into the gutter? You had already destroyed me, and then I arrived here only to be greeted with atrocities. My father was murdered. My mother had gone crazy. And my sister had been shot and was kidnapped. And all of it was my damn fault.”

  Katalin gasped, falling back a step, her face immediate concern. “What? Your fault? But Aggie never said…how?”

  He rubbed his forehead, the heavy guilt that had weighed on him for the past two years surfacing. “Things happened, Kat. Bad things.”

  “What? Why?”

  He pondered not telling her, but she would probably find out from Aggie eventually, as they were getting on so well. “Do you remember the men I told you about that had me thrown into the ship hold—the men I was gathering evidence of treason against?”

  “Yes.”

  “Before they got to me, I had sent the evidence to my father. My father was killed when the leader went after what I had sent. Aggie watched him die. And then the bastard went after her. Were it not for the duke, she would be dead as well. All of it—my disappearance, my father’s death, sent my mother into a catatonic state. Mother has never recovered.”

  “Aggie told me about the man that was after her, but she said nothing of your involvement. Nothing that it was your fault.”

  “Yes, well, it was.”

  She moved to him, her fingers light on his forearm. “Jason, I am so sorry. That you had to go through that alone.”

  His eyes whipped to hers and he didn’t bother to tone down his voice. “Alone. Exactly. I was alone. So yes, I lost my peace. What my family suffered because of me. What you did to me. Why would I not want to forget it all? What else am I to do?”

  She blinked hard, sympathy slipping away from her face as she took a step backward and crossed her arms under her chest. “So rather than be productive, you have felt sorry for yourself for two years? Two years of drinking yourself to death? Of not moving on?”

  His eyebrows arched at her.

  “Yes, your sister mentioned that is all you have done for years. Which is killing her to watch, by the by. You have been standing in one spot—bitter and angry. And now you feel the need to chastise me for wanting to move on, for wanting to protect myself?”

  “You seem to be particularly eager to move forward, Katalin.”

  “And you seem to be particularly eager to be rid of me, Jason.” Her hold on her body tightened. “Since the day I thought you died, not an hour has passed that I did not wish to be back on that island with you. Back in your arms. But I have not had the luxury of stopping. I have had to move forward, one minute at a time. But while I have never forgotten you—never stopped loving you—you have let bitterness consume your soul.”

  She paused, shaking her head. “Either that, or maybe I was always wrong about you. Maybe you have always been like this, and I never recognized it. Selfish. Cruel. Maybe I was just a fine dalliance for you while you were stuck on an ocean, but now that you are home and an earl, it is best to be rid of me? We were married, Jase. I was your wife. Your wife. What of that?”

  “Was it real, Kat? Our wedding?”

  “Does it matter?”

  He shrugged.

  Did it matter if they were lawfully married or not? He still loved her, even with all of his suspicions. But her past actions and
her current goal of a titled husband forced him not to trust her.

  He truly had no answer.

  “Exactly. So you are clear of me.” Her voice cracked, all fire gone. “You refused to claim me, so what we had together never happened. I understood you perfectly under the willow, Jase. Perfectly. I know when I am not wanted, and I would be a fool to allow you to treat me this way. To use me and throw me away. I will not allow it.”

  “Katalin, you misunderstand—”

  “No. No, I do not think I do. You do not want me. And I cannot make you. So I will never admit to knowing you before this time. I believe that should ease your worries on the matter. Please excuse me.”

  This time she didn’t walk away, she ran.

  Ran, and there was no stopping her.

  { Chapter 16 }

  Katalin stood in the entry of Lord Southfork’s London home, her gloved hands smoothing down for the hundredth time the emerald silk of the most exquisite gown she had ever seen. Exquisite—and it was on her body.

  As difficult and overbearing as her mother had been over the past two weeks, the woman did have one outstanding trait—impeccable taste. That, and she was a maven of propriety. After the first rough week—rough because of her mother and because of Jason and because of the combination of them both—Katalin settled into a week of numbly doing exactly what her mother asked of her.

  No questions. No complaints. Just regurgitation of all she was taught. With that, her mother’s constant judging did ease, even if the woman did not truly warm to Katalin.

  Katalin still didn’t know what her mother thought of her. A burden? A mere inconvenience?

  She tried to keep in mind what Reanna had told her. That her mother was cold, but that did not mean she didn’t feel. But if her mother did have any kind feelings toward Katalin, she hid them well.

  It hurt, but in all reality, Katalin had never had a mother, so the sudden presence of one that didn’t care for her didn’t bother her nearly as much as the situation with Jason had.

  Jason she had once had.

  Jason she had loved more than life itself.

  So how he had ripped her heart out under the willow had left a gaping wound in her soul. A wound she was having a hard time healing. Or at least ignoring.

  But he did not want her. And what was she to do, except figure out a way to not want him? She had to for her own sanity, but she was having a devil of a time doing so. No matter that he humiliated her. No matter that he discarded her. She still wanted him and hated her own lack of pride in the matter.

  She was grateful when he finally left Curplan the day after their last encounter. She did not think she could continue to see him daily, continue to be drawn into conversation with him. It hurt too intensely.

  The only bright spots in her days had been Reanna and Aggie. Katalin knew she had been peckish, but her two new friends asked no questions, finding their only duty to make her laugh. And she did manage to laugh.

  So now she stood, polished—the product of all of their hard work in making her a presentable lady—waiting to finally be judged by the masses.

  “You will be fine, lass.” Her father’s voice made her jump. “I regret I cannot accompany you tonight. Witness what you were always destined to be.”

  She watched him hobble heavy on his cane into the entryway, his good eye shining bright on her.

  “You have more faith in me than mother.”

  “Aye. But I know you have never not accomplished what you set out to do, lass.” His hands went on her shoulders. “This has been hard on you. I seen it. But you will do this, and you will protect your own. Just remember what is at stake.”

  Katalin nodded. She knew. Her heart ached it knew so well.

  “You are ready?” Her mother’s voice preceded her down the stairs.

  Katalin looked up at her. Perfection in dress, in hair, in spine.

  “Yes, if I meet your approval.”

  Her mother glided down the stairs, her hawk eyes on Katalin the entire time. In the entryway, she did a slow circle around her daughter. For weeks Katalin had been unnerved by these inspections, but was now able to patiently take the scrutiny without fidgeting.

  Completing the circle, her mother announced her verdict. “You will do well. I dare say you are even more exquisite than I was at my debut.”

  Katalin held her shock at her mother’s words in check, offering only a slight smile. She knew relieved laughter would be frowned upon.

  She went up in her slippers to kiss her father’s cheek goodbye, and then, within ten minutes, they were on their way. Her cousin and Lord Southfork had taken an earlier carriage, so Katalin was alone with her mother.

  It was silent in the coach, the constant clip clop of the horses’ hooves the only thing keeping Katalin’s mind from spinning into complete nervousness. She knew her gloved fingers had begun to fidget on her lap when her mother’s voice cut into her thoughts.

  “Katalin, I understand your father told you long ago that I did not want you. That it was the reason I sent you to him, abandoning you.” She cleared her throat, drawing herself impossibly straighter, but her voice was softer than Katalin had ever heard it. “I have already had it out with your father about that time period. About what he told you. I cannot fault him for doing what he did. He did what was needed. I do, however, wish you to know he told you the exact opposite of the truth. I wanted you. I was prepared to leave my life for you. To keep you. To leave with your father. But then I was told you were dead.”

  Katalin’s eyes widened, her throat closing. “Mother…”

  “I did think you should know the truth of the matter. I did want you. It is important to me that you know that.”

  Katalin blinked hard. She had no idea her mother possessed her own heartache—her own memories that haunted her. But before Katalin had a chance to respond, her mother’s voice resumed its usual clipped pace. “I am confident my plan to marry you well will work. At this moment, you are the epitome of what makes a darling of the ton. You have a vivaciousness that will intrigue many. Pair that with your dowry, and you will attract a flurry of initial attention. But be careful, child, once you are in the throes of it, you must keep your tongue. It is your only lacking feature.”

  “I will remember.”

  “But if my plan does not work, know that we will find another way. Another way to hide you. I will not allow you to be in danger. Your father and his poor choices may be the cause of all of this, but I am the end of it.”

  “Mother, I know you disagree with what he let me do, but I cannot allow you to speak ill of my father. Please, moth—”

  “Lady Pentworth—from hence forward, you will have to address me as Lady Pentworth. The story I have concocted has us four relations removed, so it is a necessity. It will be easier if you get into the habit.” Her cheek twitched, almost to a smile. “As for your father, your defense of him is admirable, but unnecessary. He did you well in the important traits—you are kind and loyal—even if he was misguided in certain aspects of your upbringing.”

  Once more, Katalin was shocked into silence. The carriage slowed.

  “Back straight, dear, we have arrived.”

  ~~~

  Jason saw it when it happened—his eyes had been glued on the swirling skirts—but it was also hard not to miss the gasps emanating from the dance floor.

  “Jason, you need to save her.”

  His sister popped up in front of him, and Jason tore his bleary eyes from the widening circle on the dance floor to Aggie.

  “Save who?”

  “Who? Are you that drunk? Did you not see?”

  He shrugged his shoulders.

  “Really, Jason, I have had it with your imbibing. Miss Dewitt, of course. She was just cut by Lord Vutton. He was the exact type we were trying to avoid—Katalin’s observations are entirely too keen for a delicate man such as he—but he somehow made it onto her dance card and has now abandoned her on the dance floor. Disastrous. I would send Devin or Killian
, but they are married and all would know it is a pity save. I need a bachelor.” She grabbed his arm, tugging it as her rapid words flew. “Jason, come, we only have seconds to save this.”

  She turned, pulling him, her head bobbing up and around the tall shoulders in the crush before her. Jason kept his feet planted.

  She whipped around. “I swear to God I will have Devin cut you out of every investment from here to eternity if you do not do this, Jason. You have been a drunkard for well too long, but I still think you know he is the only one keeping the estate intact.”

  “You would not dare.”

  “No?”

  “Do not force me, Aggie.”

  “Do not test me, Jason.”

  Her hand tightened on his arm, her face set hard against him.

  Jason stared at her, will against will.

  Another murmur swept through the crowd, and Aggie’s eyes flickered over her shoulder to the dance floor. Relief flooded her face.

  “Thank goodness. Even better.”

  Jason looked above the plum-colored feathers on his sister’s headdress. It took some couples moving out of his way on the dance floor before he found Katalin again. A tall man—Jason could only see the back of him—had stepped in and clearly saved Katalin from complete ruin on her first night in society.

  Aggie’s hand dropped from his arm. “Excellent. This should take care of the situation quite nicely.”

  “How?”

  “That is the new Duke of Letson. I have never met him, but as I understand it, he has impeccable taste.” She continued to watch the dance floor, hope bubbling in her eyes. “No one has ever seen him dance, so that he has just saved her more than outshines the cut she just suffered. Very nice. He is splendid.”

  Jason looked from his sister to the dance floor once more. A turn, and he could see the man’s face. For the first time that night, jealously stung his spine. Tall, dark hair, solid build, and a damn duke. The bastard was handsome.

  Jason took an instant dislike to him. Mostly because the duke’s hands were on his wife—bloody hell—had he just called Katalin his wife in his mind?

  He clearly wasn’t drunk enough. Tipping back his wine glass, he downed the rest of the burgundy liquid.