Hold Your Breath 03 - My Captain, My Earl

by K. J. Jackson

  “I must admit, Aggie, this is bizarre, these masks. Fun, I suppose, but bizarre. Such a production.”

  “The production is precisely the point, Katalin. The grander the production, the more the attendees are invested in the success of it. Masked balls do tend to be the highlight of the regular season, so it is not surprising that one would be thrown now. And while I have no need of it, there are plenty of ladies and gentleman who delight in “accidentally” flirting—or more—with those they would not normally associate with were they not hiding behind masks.”

  Katalin shook her head, rolling her eyes. “For all the rules of propriety, the ton truly does enjoy breaking them.”

  “An abundance of entitlement will do that.” Aggie went to her toes, searching the ballroom. “Beyond all that, I am having a devil of a time finding your duke in this crush. Not to mention Reanna, Killian and my husband. There is not even proper space for dancing.”

  It was thick—too thick. The familiar feeling of suffocation was starting to tighten Katalin’s chest.

  “Can we make our way to the back balconies?” Katalin asked. “There looks to be more air there.”

  Aggie glanced at her. “Of course, from what I can see of you, you look like you are near to passing out.”

  Past Aggie’s mask, Katalin could see the instant concern in her friend’s eyes. Aggie grabbed Katalin’s wrist, quickly dragging her between the wall and the crush of bodies to the row of arched doors in the back of the ballroom.

  Katalin felt the duke step in line behind them halfway to the doors—or at least she thought it was him—but she could not look back to verify. She was having a hard enough time trying to breathe, trying to control the panic that had seized her chest.

  Five steps from the open doors, Katalin swayed, her wrist slipping from Aggie, and would have fallen over had it not been for the sudden strong arm about her waist.

  The duke’s hands completely inappropriate on her body—and completely saving.

  He lifted her, half carrying her on her toes out the double doors.

  Aggie spun once they were free on the balcony, both of her hands clutching Katalin’s arm. “Your grace, thank you so much.” She leaned over Katalin’s shoulder, peering at the man’s face. “That is you, your grace?”

  “It is.”

  “Good.” All of her attention went back to Katalin. “Dear, you still look woozy.”

  Katalin could only nod.

  “Here, over here.” Aggie pointed to the steps going down into the gardens. “The air will be much cooler down there.”

  The duke kept his hands around Katalin, and they trailed Aggie down the short flight of stairs to the garden. The first bench they came to, the duke gently set Katalin down, keeping a hand lightly on her shoulder for stability.

  Aggie’s eyes moved from Katalin to the duke. “I do not know how long it will take to find Lady Pentworth or Lord Southfork and have a carriage brought about. Will you please sit with her, your grace?” Aggie looked around at the many couples moving to and from the gardens to the ballroom. Her bottom lip slipped under her teeth. “Lady Pentworth knows she is with me, so I do not believe anyone will question Katalin’s whereabouts. This area is well-travelled.”

  “Go. We will be fine,” the duke said.

  Eyes closed, Katalin tried to force her breath into a normal pace. Several minutes passed, and the duke waited for her, patient, his hand not moving from her shoulder. A warm comfort against the tight clamp squeezing her chest.

  When she finally regained control of her breathing and mind, Katalin opened her eyes, looking up at him. “I apologize I made such a fuss. I do not do well in tight spaces. And that was tight.”

  “It was no bother. And not so much of a fuss.”

  “You are exceptionally good at saving me.”

  “I have merely been at the right places at the right times. Plus, this was fortunate. You made it convenient for us to be free of the crowd inside and out into the night air. You look like you have gained your equilibrium.” He held out his hand. “Walk with me?”

  Katalin looked up into the glowing ballroom. Even from this angle, she could tell the crowd had only thickened, and Aggie had long since disappeared out of view. Her mother had been on the other side of the ballroom, and Katalin already knew how difficult it was to make it anywhere in there. Time was on her side.

  She put her white-gloved hand into his. “Of course. I think it will do me well. But I believe I will need a hand on you for stability.”

  The duke held out his elbow, and Katalin stood, putting her hand into the crook of his arm, but was surprised at how solid her legs were. Moments ago they had felt like liquid.

  They walked along the outer wall of the garden, high evergreen hedges on either side of them. Several minutes into the quiet stroll, the duke motioned with his free hand towards an arbor that led into a small garden room.

  “I have been interested in speaking to you in private, Miss Dewitt. The opportunity has happened to appear. Would you mind?”

  A curious glance up to him, and Katalin nodded, letting him usher her into the small square area surrounded by tall, evenly shaped boxwoods with thick grass blanketing the ground.

  Katalin went to the stone bench on the side, sitting. “None can see us here—would you mind if I dispensed of this ridiculous mask?”

  “Please, but only if I can remove mine.” The duke joined her at the bench, his tall frame easing down next to her.

  Katalin untied the ribbon at the back of her head, setting the mask on her lap, taking care not to crush the feathers. “This is such a help. Thank you for helping me escape the crowd without making a complete fool of myself.”

  The duke removed his simple black mask, holding it in his hand as he shifted on the bench to face her. “I doubt even a fool would have been noticed in that fray, but I was happy to oblige.”

  “What was it you wanted to speak to me about?”

  “I am hoping you would do me the honor of marrying me.”

  Katalin froze, blinking hard at his dark eyes. Had she truly just heard that right? Had he just bluntly asked her to marry him?

  “What?” she croaked out.

  “Will you marry me, Miss Dewitt?”

  “Oh.” Katalin knew she looked like a simpleton, but had no control to stop it. “I am afraid I was not prepared for that question. Here in England, do courtships not take longer?”

  The duke laughed. “Yes, usually they do take longer. Sometimes years. But I am not usual. I do not wish to drag such things out. I have learned in life that action is better than non-action. So I am not one to pander about once I know what I want.”

  “And you wish to marry me?” She had to ask it one more time to make sure she was not mistaking his intentions.

  “Yes.”

  Katalin fiddled with the mask in her white-gloved hands, running her fingertips along the long bright feathers. She was beyond shock. But shock in that it had happened so quickly. Her mother had been right. Her plan worked.

  But instant guilt gripped Katalin’s mind. Where were the butterflies? The pounding heart? The stolen breath?

  She felt none of it.

  Her mother had said love would never be a part of this endeavor, and Katalin realized in that instant what her mother’s words had truly meant. They meant a gaping hole.

  “Katalin? I do realize this was abrupt, but I am hoping for some sort of response.” He didn’t say it unkindly, just curious.

  Katalin cleared her throat, stalling. “I have all the respect in the world for you, your grace. And I do consider you a true friend. But before I can answer, there are things of me you must know. Things that may make you wish to rescind the offer. And if that is so, I will fully understand.”

  “Miss Dewitt, you do not need to tell me anything. My offer of marriage stands.”

  She shook her head. “That is kind, but I do need to tell you. I was married once.”

  He didn’t blink. “What happened?”
<
br />   “He died.”

  The duke’s large hand slid around hers, squeezing it. “I am sorry for your loss, Miss Dewitt, but why would that threaten my proposal?”

  Katalin drew in a deep breath. Why was he making this so hard? She had to tell him. She was not about to start a marriage with a foundation of deception. “Your grace, I have done other things. Things I am not proud of. Things that may eventually destroy me.”

  “Stop, Miss Dewitt, stop.” His hand on hers tightened. “I do not wish to rehash the past. Not yours. Not mine. I doubt either of us is innocent—not in my past life—and I do not judge you on yours.”

  She glanced up sharply at him. Jason had used that word. This life, the next.

  “What is that look?” Confusion crinkled the duke’s brow.

  “You said past life. It is just…it is just that those words…”

  “Past is past, Miss Dewitt. There is no use in walking back in time. I understand there will always be parts of you I do not know.”

  “And there will be parts of you that I do not know?”

  He nodded. “I am at peace with this. You may keep what you need to. As long as I may keep what I need to.”

  “Is it that easy?”

  “It can be.”

  Katalin tilted her head back to look at the dark sky. A half-moon hung just above the eaves of the ballroom. “I want to believe you. Want to believe this is the right thing.”

  Her eyes swung to his. “Forgive me for saying so, but we are not attracted to each other. There is no passion. I consider you an entirely kind and dear friend, your grace, but there is no fire between us. Do you disagree?”

  “No.” He laughed. “I do not disagree. You are incredibly honest, Miss Dewitt, but that is exactly what I wish. I do not wish deception. I do not wish fire. I wish peace. Someone I can trust. But within that—make no mistake—you are definitely beautiful enough for me to create children with, Miss Dewitt. I hope you can stomach the thought—that I am not too hideous to make children with.”

  Katalin chuckled, rolling her eyes. “Your looks are not the problem, your grace, and you very well know that. I am sure I can find some enjoyment in that. I just do not wish to disappoint you. I count you as an important friend—with or without a marriage proposal.”

  “We are of like mind on that account. A marriage of friendship is completely agreeable to me. I do respect you. Do wish to see you happy. You will make a wonderful mother. And I need heirs. You can bear children, correct?”

  “Yes.”

  He leaned in, his dark eyes searching hers. “Then what is it you are afraid of? Are you afraid I cannot pleasure you, Miss Dewitt? Afraid our friendship will get in the way?”

  A thick blush instantly colored Katalin’s cheeks. “No. It is not that.”

  “Let me assure you, I can pleasure you, Miss Dewitt. Can create fire where there is none.”

  Before Katalin realized his intentions, his fingers were moving in along her bare shoulder, cupping the nape of her neck as he drew her closer.

  Closer, and directly onto his lips.

  She had touched no man since Jason, and curiosity immediately mixed with guilt. The duke’s lips—soft and warm and gentle—it was amazing how very much like Jason he was.

  And how completely he was not.

  The duke’s other hand came up, his thumb sliding along her chin, and he deepened the kiss, parting her lips, his tongue exploring. Katalin angled her head, closing her eyes as she acquiesced to his insistent exploring.

  Within a moment, she was lost. Lost in his kiss. Lost in her intentions. Lost in thought.

  The kiss only awakened things that she had thought long since dead.

  It hadn’t been bravado—he truly could create fire where there was none.

  “No.”

  The word filtered into her mind. Hard. Angry. Hazy.

  In the next instant a hand gripped her arm and ripped her from the duke. A yank to her feet, and she stumbled, her silk-clad feet slipping on the wet grass.

  “No, Katalin.” Jason spun her, his rage grip tightening painfully on her arm. “I will not allow another’s hands upon you.”

  It took a moment for Katalin to realize Jason had appeared out of the darkness, his black mask pushed up onto his forehead, and he had manhandled her away from the duke. In the next moment, her own anger spiked.

  She found her footing. “Why? You have no claim on me, Jason. You have already made that perfectly clear.”

  His face went into hers, his teeth in a growl. “You are mine, Katalin. No other hands will touch your body.”

  The duke forced himself between the two of them, shoving Jason and ripping his grip from her arm. She stumbled backward, but the duke grabbed her left flailing wrist, righting her.

  “You have no business here, Clapinshire. I suggest you take your leave.” Voice seething, the duke moved his wide frame, blocking Katalin from Jason’s view.

  “She cannot marry you, Letson.” Jason’s words were suddenly calm—deathly calm.

  No. Hell no. Not now. He was going to do it. Jason was going to ruin everything.

  Panicked, Katalin tried to move from behind the duke, but he had his arm up, keeping her locked behind him.

  “Why the hell not, Clapinshire?”

  “Miss Dewitt is already married.”

  Katalin swayed on her feet, the world concurrently slowing and spinning.

  “To whom?”

  “Me.”

  “Preposterous. What kind of a farce are you concocting Clapinshire?”

  Moving through the fog of shock, Katalin ducked under the duke’s arm, stepping between the two of them, her hand on the duke’s chest. Good, because the duke looked ready to attack. She attempted to make her voice as light and calm as possible. “Please, your grace, Lord Clapinshire is merely a misguided suitor, nothing more.”

  “He is much more, Miss Dewitt.”

  “He is?”

  “Yes, he is a man about to sully your reputation.”

  Katalin gave a serene nod. “Yes. And also misguided, and may I say, somewhat delusional. But there is past with him, your grace. Past that needs to be set to rest, before I can move onward.”

  She cleared her throat, hoping against hope she was not about to go too far. “I know it is entirely inappropriate, but I must call upon the kindness of our friendship—please, your grace, let me talk to Lord Clapinshire in private.”

  “I cannot do that, Miss Dewitt.”

  “Please, your grace. I am in no danger from Lord Clapinshire. You know I am with him, so it is assured he will do nothing to harm me. I merely need to speak to him. To bring peace to the past.”

  The duke’s eyes flickered from her to Jason. Katalin did not dare a look back over her shoulder at Jason—she could only watch the duke’s face to read her fate.

  Seconds ticked by and just when Katalin was sure the duke was to refuse her, he gave one crisp nod, his eyes falling on her.

  “I do not believe you will be missed for a few minutes, Miss Dewitt.” He pointed to the tall hedges lining the garden walk and then turned away, picking up her fallen mask from the grass. “But put your mask on before you disappear into the gardens. I will not allow a breach upon your reputation.”

  Katalin took the mask from the duke’s hand, wiping away the slight dew and setting it to her face. Feathers were already matted to ruin, their colors running and mixing and bleeding onto her white gloves. She felt Jason’s hands instantly at the back of her head, tying the ribbons tight. “Thank you, your grace. This is the utmost in generosity.”

  “We will discuss this at a later time, Miss Dewitt. Please be back at the ballroom doors within ten minutes. I will provide interference with the duchess if she has already rounded your carriage and is looking for you.”

  “Thank you, your grace. I will be there.”

  His eyes shifted to Jason. “Do not make me regret this, Clapinshire. Ten minutes. And you do not touch her.”

  Katalin held her b
reath as the men eyed each other. But then Jason nodded, lips tight.

  They all stood, rooted in spot, awkwardly staring at one another for a moment. The duke was being overly generous allowing this to happen, but he was clearly not about to let them have the privacy of this small garden nook.

  Her ten minutes quickly dwindling, Katalin glanced at Jason. “Please, let us stroll, Lord Clapinshire?”

  Jason held his palm out wide, motioning her through the arbor entrance. Katalin stepped out, looking down the garden pathway, and then quickly moved to her right between the tall evergreen hedges. Tall torches lit the path in even intervals.

  Jason fell in step beside her, his mask now down over his eyes, and his hands were solidly at his sides.

  They walked in silence for a while, until Katalin glanced over her shoulder to make sure the duke didn’t trail them. Alone with Jason, she stopped, looking up at him.

  “You cannot do this to me, Jason.”

  “Bloody hell, I want to kiss you.”

  “What?” She waved her hand in fury before his eyes. “Jason—you do not want me. We have already gone through this, and I will not allow you to continue to use me like this—prey upon my heart and then rip it to shreds. I will not go through you refusing me once again. Do not ruin the peace that I am so close to. Please. Please upon all that we once were. You do not want me, so let me be another’s.”

  His hands went behind his back, her words making no mark on his countenance. He leaned slightly over her, using his height to his advantage. He wasn’t touching her, but she sure as hell felt his body heating hers.

  “I know exactly how you got the notion that I did not want you, Kat, and for that, I am sorry. That is my error to own, and I am sorry for everything I did to set your mind on that path. To set your mind away from me.”

  He went silent as another couple approached, arm in arm, and he stepped to the side of the cobblestone path to let them pass. Katalin watched Jason as he watched the backs of the couple until they walked an appropriate distance away.

  Safe from ears, he stepped close to her again.