The Mind is a Razorblade

by Max Booth III

  “That sounds perfect,” I say.

  “Yeah, the only thing is,” Mercedes says, “the room is really small, there’s no way we could all come in that way undetected. Because, let’s face it, one person isn’t going to defeat Indigo alone, so you do need us. And we need you. It’s about time we rose and took care of this tyrant once and for all. With Jed’s passing...” She wipes a tear from her eye. “No, the time to wait is over, and the time to act is now.”

  “I’m glad we’re on the same page, then.”

  “But if we all came in through the laundry room, it would be a bloodbath. But I’ve been thinking, and my theory is: Indigo doesn’t want you dead.”

  I laugh. “Of course he wants me dead. That’s the whole reason I got stuck in this mess. The asshole tried to kill me.”

  “Yeah, but you didn’t die, now did you? Indigo never makes a mistake, yet somehow you’re still alive. He has to be curious. Wouldn’t you be? I’m betting anything he wants to perform further experiments on you. Something, you know? He’s a scientist. He’d be a fool to simply execute you. So that’s why my thought is: what if you go up there first, alone, and seek out Indigo yourself? I mean, I doubt you’ll succeed, but even if you’re caught, they aren’t going to kill you right away.”

  Molly shakes her head. “I don’t like this idea all of a sudden.”

  I sit back up, nodding. It makes sense. “And with me caught, the guards will be distracted.”

  Mercedes smiles. “Giving us an opportune time to come in through the front doors, taking back what’s ours, one machete at a time.”

  “That’s crazy!” Molly says.

  “Of course it is,” I say. “It’s fucking nuts.”

  Mercedes says, “So, you agree?”

  “Hell yeah.”

  “Bobby!” Molly cries.

  I look at her and grab her hand, trying to smile. “We don’t exactly have a lot of time to debate this, babe. Ezzy is already there. Who knows what’s happening. This could be our only chance to save her. You understand that, right?”

  She doesn’t say anything, but pleads at me with her eyes for an alternate solution that doesn’t exist.

  “Now listen,” Mercedes says, “because as you said, we don’t have long. But there are some things you still need to be reminded of. We’ve been watching this city go to hell for a long time now. The cause of it, as you can imagine, is Indigo. This man, this cult leader, came in one day and ruined it all. He’s a con artist who created his own religion to get rich.”

  “How is that any different than other religions?” the Rev pipes in, then yelps as the man continues to stitch him up.

  Mercedes continues, “He came up with this very stupid idea about a demon he calls Conundrae. According to him, this demon feasts upon the organs of humans.”

  I recall the contents of that cooler. The heart. Jesus Christ.

  “Those who join his cult have to help feed this demon,” Mercedes says. “Supposedly, it’s their way of buying their own paradise once Conundrae rises and begins turning humanity into its own personal slaves.”

  I pause, trying not to vomit in my mouth, then say, “I’ve seen the organs. This guy at a drugstore tried giving me somebody’s heart.”

  Mercedes nods. “Right, I’m not saying they don’t deal with organs. But not for the reasons that Indigo claims. In actuality, he’s probably just selling them to foreign countries. That’s how he’s managed to become so wealthy, so fast. It’s why he has his own casino now—a casino that serves as a haven for alcohol and drugs and prostitutes. Not to mention the death fights.”

  “Death fights,” I echo.

  “Go there any night, you’ll find a cage in the middle of the bar. There’s always a fight going on. Only one person can leave the cage alive. Half the time, they’re prisoners being forced to fight. It’s despicable.”

  “Goddamn.”

  “I know,” Mercedes says. “That isn’t even the worst part. Thanks to all this dirty money, Indigo has also somehow developed a new machine of some sorts—a very complex procedure that completely reprograms a human being: his soul, his heart, his everything. Indigo erases that human being’s mind of everything he or she once knew. The result is what Indigo has dubbed a ‘harvey’. I believe you’ve met a few of them already.”

  I nod. “His own personal organ harvester.”

  “Correct,” Mercedes says, face caught in a grimace. “These...harvies, they normally have no will of their own. They become puppets. But sometimes, the procedure, I guess it doesn’t go too well, and the harvey leaves with some sense of who they once were. I don’t understand it. I’ve never been able to get into the casino to see it firsthand, but I’ve gathered enough info from my resources to guess what’s been going on. All I know is, once Indigo does his harvey experiment on you, you’re pretty much done for. And that has been the case until now.”

  I feel countless eyes on me, prying my brain apart. “How do we know each other, exactly?” I ask her.

  Mercedes laughs. “You still don’t remember, do you?”

  “I don’t...”

  “Just wait,” she says. “It’ll come to you. You have to be patient, Detective Oasis.”

  “Excuse me?” Molly says.

  But I’m already gone.

  (memoria vi)

  me #2 is sitting in front of a huge oak desk, and behind it is a bald, mustached man wearing a suit. me #2 looks extremely young, maybe twenty-three, twenty-four at most. he embodies innocence. his eyes show hope for the future. i’m standing at the side of the desk, watching them talk. i can’t get past the image of how me #2 is wearing a police cadet uniform, and how surprisingly good i look in it.

  suddenly everything comes back to me.

  the bald man is saying, ‘you understand what this all means, correct?’

  me #2 nods and remains silent.

  ‘life as you know it will cease to be,’ the bald man says. ‘you will no longer be an employee of the police department. your files will be erased. your brother, even though he is also an officer, will no longer be an acquaintance of any kind. if you see him on the street, you do not see him as family. you see him as an enemy. he is one of the few who have been informed of this operation, and he knows the repercussions for blowing your cover. he will not blow your cover. you will not blow your cover.”

  ‘yes, sir,’ me #2 says.

  ‘you will no longer say “yes, sir”. you are not well-mannered. in fact, you are scum. you will blend in with the rest of the delinquents that run this city. you will begin from the very bottom, and you will work your way up. you understand that you will be forced to do crimes against society, crimes against humanity?’

  ‘yes, sir.’

  ‘and you are willing to do such things in order to ensure your mission is carried out successfully?’

  ‘yes, sir.’

  the bald man raises his eyebrow at him at me. ‘what did i say about the “yes, sir” crap?’

  me #2 pauses, clears his throat, and says, ‘all right, bitch, whatever you fuckin’ say.’

  the bald man nods approvingly. ‘you will take a new name. it doesn’t matter, odds are they will assign you a name again once you infiltrate the cult. you will do as they say. you must not jeopardize your cover. if they discover who you are, you won’t just be killed. you will be tortured to the fullest extent of their sick and twisted imaginations. you must carry out the mission.’

  ‘i will.’

  ‘what is the mission?’

  ‘to bring down indigo,’ me #2 says.

  ‘at all costs,’ the bald man adds.

  ‘at all costs.’

  ‘i will contact you when needed. you do not ever attempt to contact me or anyone else in the department. understood?’

  ‘understood.’

  ‘good,’ the bald man says. ‘now get the fuck out of my office and go save the world.’

  ‘suck my dick, pig,’ me #2 says, and shakes the bald man’s hand.

  this
is insane. this is total lunacy. i’m a cop. i’ve always been a cop. holy shit, what the hell have i gotten into?

  i follow me #2 out of the office and into the hallway. there’s another officer waiting for us. i recognize him instantly. it’s the same guy i found at the river. the one i shot in the face.

  ‘hey, bro,’ detective oasis says.

  me #2 nods. ‘hey.’

  ‘so this is it,’ oasis says.

  ‘looks like it.’

  ‘you know, i don’t like this.’

  ‘i know,’ me #2 says.

  ‘but it’s what has to be done.’

  ‘yeah.’

  ‘i’m going to be checking on you every chance i get. pulling you over for bogus speeding violations, planting heroin on you and stuff.’

  ‘i couldn’t expect anything less.’

  a tear drips down oasis’s cheek. “you just be glad ma isn’t here for this. she’d go berserk.”

  me #2 laughs. ‘she would make you really arrest me just so i’d be out of danger.’

  oasis says, ‘yeah, i’d have to go shoot some idiot and hide the gun in your trunk.’

  there’s a moment where they just stand there, not saying anything, taking it all in.

  ‘just do as i said. find mercedes. she already knows the score. she’ll help you. she’s probably the only person who will be able to help you from here on.’

  ‘i’ll find her.’

  oasis says, ‘i love you, you know.’

  ‘i love you too, marv.’

  oasis wraps his arms around me #2, hugging him tight against his chest. ‘if you die out there,’ he says, ‘i swear to god i’ll kill you.’

  brothers. me and oasis, we’re brothers. i’m a fucking cop and my brother is (was) one, too.

  my brother, who is dead.

  dead because of me.

  i killed him.

  my own fucking brother.

  jesus christ. no.

  the hallway begins to shake violently while the light fixtures flicker. yet nobody notices but me. a loud sucking sound follows, and my spirit is vacuumed from the mind trip and back into reality, where i no longer wish to exist.

  me, a cop.

  dead, my brother.

  fuck me.

  chapter twenty-one

  “A cop? A fucking cop?”

  Molly looks mad. I don’t blame her. She smacks me across the face and I let her. Mostly because I’m pretty sure she can take me in a fight, if push comes to shove.

  “You bastard, you lousy bastard,” she says, expecting some kind of retaliation.

  But I just sit there, face stinging from Molly’s hand. “It’s true,” I whisper. “I remember it all. I’m sorry, but it’s true.”

  “I know,” the Rev says, still lying down with his eyes closed as the man fixes his wounds. “You told me a long time ago one night when we were both skunked.”

  Well, that I certainly don’t remember.

  Molly screams, “You knew?” She looks at me and slaps me again. “You told him but you didn’t tell me? I’m your goddamn girlfriend for Christ’s sake! We have a child together, and you don’t think it’s a good idea to tell me you’re a fucking undercover cop? Jesus fucking Christ, Bobby. Or whatever the hell your name is.”

  “I don’t know,” I say quietly, and I truly don’t. I don’t know what kind of person I even am. Someone who can go years and years lying to the one he loves most. Molly’s right. How could I have had a child with this woman without letting her know who I really am?

  Now it makes sense why I had been so hysterical back when Ezzy was first born. It all makes sense. Yet at the same time, none of it does.

  Molly snaps back at the Rev. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  The Rev shrugs. “Yeah, I probably should have mentioned something. Guess I didn’t really think about it.”

  “How could you not think about it?”

  “I don’t know! I thought it would be rude to bring it up.”

  “God, you are an idiot,” Molly says.

  “What does that have to do with anything?”

  “Enough!” I shout, making them both jump back, startled. I stand up, covered in sweat. “The truth is, I guess I’m a cop. But what does that change? Yes, I’ve lied, and I’ve been a horrible human being to you all. But there’s still one undeniable truth that cannot be changed right now, and that is Indigo—that fuck, he has our daughter. And we aren’t doing her any good by sitting around here arguing.”

  But Molly is just looking at me. “Everything I know about you is a lie. Why have I even been helping you? I don’t even know who you are. It’s because of you that Ezzy is missing. You, you lying coward of a man.”

  I grab her cheeks and move my face close to hers, so our noses are touching. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I know it’s all my fault. She’s gone because of me. Your life is fucked because of me. But I’m going to fix it, I promise, Mol, it’ll be okay. I will get our daughter back. She will be safe.”

  “Why should I believe you?” Molly asks.

  And I don’t have any lines of comfort. I’m not the hero I want to be. I’m not anything. So I tell her the truth.

  “I don’t know,” I tell her, “but you should.”

  Molly smiles weakly.

  We kiss. The smell of the tunnels fades away.

  “We should get moving,” Mercedes says. “There’s a little girl who needs to get back to her family.”

  * * *

  Molly stays behind with the Rev, who eventually passed out from the pain in his ass. Before we leave, we come up with a plan of attack. As I’m infiltrating the casino via the laundry room, the rest of the Refragatio will be busy hijacking the monorail and riding it toward the station closest to the casino. They’ll rig it to stay at the station while they storm the entrance of the casino, and once Indigo’s dead, we’ll make our escape on the mono.

  I wish Molly had come with us, though. At least, just for the walk. I can use her company right now. Despite kissing me before I left, it’s obvious she doesn’t trust me now. I don’t blame her. I don’t trust me, either.

  It’s just me and Mercedes walking through the darkened tunnels. I have Ezzy’s Donut on me. Molly gave me the bear before I left. Ezzy will want it when I eventually find her. Every once in a while Mercedes flicks on her lighter to determine where we are, but she’s traveled through these tunnels enough to not need light. She does it for my benefit.

  “Let’s be honest,” I say.

  “All right.”

  “Do you think he’s killed my baby?”

  “I don’t know,” she says. “I doubt it. If Indigo knows that you defeated the last wave of his henchmen, then he’ll keep her alive as incentive for you to come back to claim her. He’s expecting you right now, I’m sure of it. This will be a trap that you’re walking right into, but we don’t have any other choice.”

  “I know.”

  “Your best bet is to carry on like you aren’t anticipating the trap. Because if you get caught too easily, then Indigo is going to know something is up, and put his guards on extra alert. Which means when we come in the front entrance, we’ll all be screwed. We won’t stand a chance.”

  Our feet make loud interrupting splashing sounds in puddles of shitwater found throughout the tunnels. My funny bunnies are ruined. I remind myself that Mercedes is barefoot right now. My face makes a grimace that I’m glad she can’t see.

  “And what exactly are you guys going to do once you get in?” I ask.

  “We’re going to kill them,” Mercedes answers calmly. “We’re going to kill them all.”

  “Will you make sure Molly stays behind, when it all goes down? I don’t want her involved in this. She doesn’t deserve to witness any more of this madness.”

  “Dude, I am not going to tell her what to do. She looks like she slaps really hard.”

  “That she does,” I say, “that she does...”

  Twenty minutes pass, and I’m beginning to think we’r
e lost, then she flicks her lighter and holds the flame over her head, revealing a handle sticking out of the ceiling. “This door will lead you into the laundry room. Once you go up there, you are on your own.”

  “Okay.”

  Mercedes hands me a small remote. I stuff it in my pocket without thinking.

  “There’s a button on that,” she says. “Once you’re sure you’ve gained the guards’ attention, hit it. It’ll trigger an alarm that I have on my person and we’ll come barging in. We’ll already be waiting at the mono station—hopefully. Just make sure to give us enough time to get there. An hour should cover it, I think. Any questions?”

  “Yes,” I say, “where the hell do you have the alarm? You have no clothes on.”

  “You probably don’t want to know the answer to that,” Mercedes says.

  “Gross.”

  “Incredibly.”

  “Just make sure that Molly doesn’t come,” I tell her. “And whatever happens, whether I make it or not, you get my baby out of this place. I don’t care what you have to do. She must be safe.”

  Mercedes places her hand on my shoulder. “The first step is yours, Detective.”

  “Thanks,” I say, looking back up at the trap door. Fear has frozen my body. “If I don’t make it, you’ll get Molly and Ezzy out of the city, right? You’ll make sure they are okay.”

  “Assuming I survive the night,” Mercedes says, “you have my word. Your other friend, the pseudo-Brit, however, is on his own.”

  “Yeah, that’s fine.”

  “He’s kind of an asshole,” she says.

  “I know. It’s fine.”

  I inhale deeply and exhale a hurricane of air. My hand wraps around the trapdoor handle without me even realizing it.

  I pull it open. Bright light penetrates my eyeballs.

  I climb up into the opening with no idea what’s waiting for me. Indigo himself could be standing up there with a gun pointed at my face, ready to pull the trigger. Anything is possible.

  Fuck it.

  chapter twenty-two

  It takes a moment for my eyes to adjust to the sudden light. My eyes blink through the blurriness until an image forms in front of me. It’s the image of a man wearing a white apron.