The Road Home

by Palmer, Fiona

  Lara sat back on the garden bench again, crossing her jean-clad legs and hugging her blue knitted jumper to her body to keep out the morning chill. It was the day after the wedding and the friends and family who’d stayed the night at Amanda’s parents’ house were enjoying a huge cooked breakfast. Bacon and sausages sizzled on the barbecue as everyone sat on the lawn or fold-out chairs to watch Noah and Amanda open their wedding presents.

  Lara wouldn’t want presents. Just getting married would be enough. She could hardly imagine how wonderful it would feel to find someone to share her whole life with.

  When it was time for Jack to leave, he did the rounds, hugging everyone and saying his goodbyes. Lara wanted to run and hide, but her heart wouldn’t let him go without a last hug, a last chance to be near him and enjoy that feeling of being close.

  She joined Noah and Amanda as they walked him to the car. Noah had insisted on taking him to the airport. Jack chucked his bags into the boot and gave Noah the keys to his ute.

  ‘She’s all yours, mate. Take good care of her and don’t let Jimbo get fat.’

  He turned to Lara and drew her into a hug. She held him tightly, savouring everything from his scent to the feel of his body to the beating of his heart. She couldn’t bring herself to pull away. He kissed her forehead and, for her ears alone, said, ‘I’ll never forget you.’

  Before she could reply he was off shaking Trent’s hand. ‘Keep an eye on this one for us,’ he said reluctantly, nodding in Lara’s direction.

  ‘Will do. See ya, Jack. Don’t forget to come back and visit.’

  ‘Yeah. Let me know when the lake’s full again.’ They all knew that only happened every eight years or so.

  As Noah drove Jack away, the others headed back inside to the festivities but Lara lingered near the driveway, watching the last of the dust from the car until it cleared in the morning light. She felt torn to shreds. Unable to face the crowd, she wandered down towards the paddock where the great Murray Grey cows stood. It was a stunning morning, bright light shining on the dark green growth all around. But it was all wasted on Lara.

  36

  WITH seeding properly finished, and Jack gone for over a week now, Lara was getting back into a normal routine, which meant no extra-early starts or late nights.

  She cracked open her first beer of the day. It was five o’clock. after all. ‘Here, Roy. Here, Dippa.’ At least she had the boys to keep her company. She put a splash of beer in their doggie bowls before sitting down on the edge of the veranda. She was about to take her first swig when the phone rang.

  ‘Damn it,’ Lara said to the dogs as she headed inside. ‘That better not be Trish trying to invite me to another Tupperware party.’ She just couldn’t face anything right now. She was still pining for Jack.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Hey ya, mate. How you been?’

  Lara felt her troubles disappear.

  ‘So much better for hearing your voice. What are you up to, Mel?’

  ‘Oh, you know. Standard day at work, another dog snip snip … and I quit!’

  It took Lara a few seconds for the news to sink in. ‘What? Did you just say “quit”?’

  ‘I bloody well did, and you’re the first person I wanted to share it with.’

  ‘Oh, Mel, that’s wonderful. So what made you decide? What’s going on?’ Lara took the phone outside and sat back down on the veranda.

  Mel sighed into the phone. ‘Well, I’ve nothing planned, to be totally honest. It was just another boring day, the traffic had driven me nuts, my neighbours had partied till the wee hours of the morning, leaving me severely sleep-deprived, and then they told me they were knocking back my hours and putting on another vet. I just snapped and told them to shove it.’

  ‘Really?’ Lara was smiling for the first time in a week.

  ‘No, I said it nicely. But now I have absolutely no job!’ Mel squealed. ‘So I thought to myself, let’s up and move to the bush! Got space for a roomie?’

  ‘Hell, yes. When can you get here?’

  ‘Well, I need to sort out a boarder … Justin can’t afford the rent on his own. I suggested he move in with Dad,’ she said, laughing. ‘Then maybe I’ll try and register my own vet business and start collecting stuff I’ll need and sort out somewhere to work from.’

  ‘Well, you could set up in the sleep-out until we find you a better place. Or maybe convert a shed or get a portable room in when you’re making money. And I’m sure once we get you out there, you’ll be so busy. You could do preg testing and all that. Oh, Mel, this is the best news. You don’t know how much I needed this.’

  ‘Why? What’s up with you?’ Mel’s concerned voice brought tears to Lara’s eyes. ‘Missing Noah and Jack?’

  ‘Yep, and I’m just a bit tired and depressed after Noah’s wedding. To make matters worse, Noah rang the other day to say Jack’s dad had passed away. There’s no way he’ll be back now.’ Lara had been dreaming that his dad would make a miraculous recovery and that Jack would be able to come running back. But there was no chance of that now. ‘Noah’s flying out in two days’ time for the funeral.’

  ‘Oh, Lara. I’m so sorry You should have called.’

  Lara sighed. ‘It’s okay.’

  ‘You gonna do something about it? Like fly over there and demand he comes back?’ Mel asked. ‘You could go with Noah.’

  ‘Gee, Mel. I didn’t know you were such a romantic.’

  ‘Stop avoiding my question. Are you going to do something about it?’

  ‘No,’ said Lara as she rested her head against the veranda pole.

  ‘What do you mean no? Why not?’

  ‘Because, like Jack’s already said – he’ll be over there and I’ll be here and neither of us wants to give up our farms. All Jack’s ever wanted is to be on his farm and now’s his chance. It’s where he belongs and I belong here. I don’t want him to give that up, not even for me.’

  ‘Maybe he’d want to give it up for you? How do you know? Maybe you should just go over there anyway, see how you both feel?’

  ‘It won’t change anything, Mel.’

  ‘Yeah, but it can’t hurt, either. Besides, if you really care about this bloke, you should be there for him at the funeral. I’m just saying,’ said Mel.

  They chatted for a while longer and when the phone clocked over an hour, they hung up. Mel’s words had stirred something in Lara. Straightaway she picked up the phone and dialled Noah.

  ‘Can you book an extra ticket?’ she asked. ‘I’m coming to New Zealand with you.’

  Anna and Mel were waiting for Lara at The Red Herring on the Swan River.

  ‘Hey, Mel,’ she said, hugging her. ‘Anna, you look gorgeous.’ Anna was wearing a soft yellow dress and looked so relaxed.

  ‘Thanks. Paul helped me pick it out on our romantic weekend away.’ The glint in her eyes said it all. She shivered. ‘Let’s get inside into the warmth, shall we? Wish I’d brought a warm jacket.’

  They sat down at their reserved table and ordered. Lara chose the fresh crispy-skinned barramundi fillet with seafood risotto.

  ‘So, Lara, tell me about this Jack you’re running after,’ said Anna.

  ‘You remember the gorgeous guy I was raving about after my visit? Noah’s best mate?’ said Mel.

  Anna’s eyes lit up. ‘As I recall, there were two. Trent and Jack?’ She eyed Lara for details. ‘So, is it good?’

  ‘Yeah, maybe if he hadn’t moved to another country!’ Lara moaned.

  ‘Yeah, that really is a bummer,’ said Anna.

  Their wine arrived and the waiter poured them all a glass.

  ‘On a great note, she’s now the owner of Erindale!’ Mel shared.

  ‘Part-owner. Noah’s name is still on the deeds. But yes, we did all the paperwork this morning when we got to Perth.’ It was the moment Lara had been waiting for. She’d felt like dancing and screaming with joy. It was everything she’d expected to feel when she’d been offered that promotion nearly five months ag
o. The look on Noah’s face as he watched her sign the forms was pure pride, an expression she’d never forget. But still Jack lingered in her thoughts. She would see him tomorrow.

  After they’d finished their entrées and were waiting for their main meals, Anna looked carefully at Lara.

  ‘What’s up?’ she asked.

  ‘Nothing. Why do you say that?’

  ‘Um, because you’re my friend and I can tell there’s something going on in that pretty little head of yours.’

  ‘She’s in love with Jack,’ Mel blurted.

  ‘What?’ said Lara.

  ‘Sorry, Lara, but it’s the truth and I think you’re too afraid to admit it to yourself in case Jack doesn’t feel the same,’ Mel said, holding her hand. She had a dopey, romantic expression plastered on her face.

  Was she in love? In all honesty, she hadn’t felt right since he’d left. Not even Trent could cheer her up. In fact, being with Trent made her miss Jack even more. She missed that fire and spark. She thought she’d been in love with Nic but now she realised how wrong she’d been. It had been nothing like this with Nic. She’d never missed him through the day while she was working. Their relationship had worked because he’d fitted into her lifestyle. But with Jack, she couldn’t touch a spanner, watch a sunset or see the back of a ute without thinking about him. He invaded her mind constantly. She felt like she was only half a person.

  But what was she going to do when she saw him? That was the question. Was she just offering up her heart to be broken? She would find out soon enough.

  37

  JACK had forgotten how cold home was. He’d become so used to the Aussie sun. But he was still in awe of the stunning landscape. The rolling earth covered in vivid green was just like he remembered it. The view captivated him and tugged at his heart with distant memories. He felt like he was seventeen again. He felt dwarfed by the mountains.

  His gumboots squelched while he was checking on the cows. His black beanie hadn’t left his head since he’d arrived home, which had annoyed his mother but she was still grieving and anything that took her focus from his dad’s passing was probably a good thing. Despite the beanie she was beside herself with joy to have him home. His mother still spoke in that strong voice, and her hair was greyer but still in its bun. ‘Dinner’s up,’ she’d shout through the house. She was cooking all his old favourite meals and desserts. His second night back, they’d had a family dinner with his sisters, Bec and Jude, Jude’s family, and Matthew and his family, who still lived on the farm in another house. His parents’ place had been busting at the seams with them all, crammed around the table, his nieces and nephews making enough noise to wake the dead. In some ways he felt like a stranger, as he met the kids he’d never seen. Matthew’s oldest, Jamie, who’d been only a baby when Jack had left, had changed so much. But for all the changes, the house still felt so familiar. All the same photos hanging on the walls, his room right where it had always been, the same lino in the kitchen. And Jude, Mum and Matthew were familiar, too, but it would take time to really get to know them again. His mum took great delight in holding him tight. ‘I just can’t believe the strong man in my arms is my little Jack,’ she’d say every time.

  Jack rubbed his hands together before shutting the gate on the Hereford cattle. He leant back against the post, gazing out across the lush green paddocks and into the distance at the four mountain ranges. It was a sight he’d seen every day growing up, and even now he was in awe. And Lake Manapouri was only 30 kilometres away. It was vastly different from the harsh beauty of the wheatbelt in Western Australia. He didn’t miss the flies … but he was missing something. Maybe it was Noah, or maybe it was the warmth and the long stretches of land. Or maybe it was Lara. He’d tried not to think about her, but every day he had.

  He had thought that by being home he’d feel better, more at peace and finally complete. But he didn’t. Sure, he was glad he’d been able to see his dad, and spend time with him before another stroke had taken him away. Matthew had picked him up from the airport; at first they’d been standoffish, until Jack had held out his hand and Matthew had pulled him into a hug. That moment alone had broken down all the barriers. He’d felt like he was no longer alone.

  Matthew had taken him straight to his dad’s hospital room. Mum had been there, waiting to see him. She’d come prepared with a gigantic hanky, her tears present the moment he’d stepped into the room. Her tight hug, even though she was a head shorter, had closed the gap of the years lost. But then his eyes had found his dad, covered in white hospital sheets, his skin the same colour. But his vibrant green eyes remained full of life. Jack had stepped towards his dad, drawn to him as his memories of them together sprang alive: working in the shed, his dad showing Jack how to use every tool, guiding him, teaching him about the cows and land. Jack had shoved all those memories so deep down after he’d left that he’d forgotten about those magical times together.

  ‘Is that my boy?’ was the first thing his dad said. ‘My Jack?’ That’s all it had taken for Jack to fall to pieces, unable to stop the tears that had welled in his eyes. His dad had been so happy to see him, and all he could think was ‘Why?’ Why had he left it so long to come home? As his father had lain connected to machines, none of what had happened between them had mattered at all. The doctors had said he wasn’t out of the woods yet, and had kept his blood thinned. But he and Jack had enough time to talk, to fix things. Bec had sworn not to tell their dad about what Jack had been through. It was his own pain to suffer and his story to tell.

  But in the end, Jack hadn’t felt it was right to tell his dad about it, about how betrayed he’d felt over the farm and working for that arsehole. Maybe if his dad had recovered fully, Jack would have told him, but in that hospital room it had seemed pointless. He could see the love in his father’s eyes. That was all Jack had needed.

  ‘I’m so sorry you couldn’t stay on the farm, Jack. I didn’t realise how much it meant to you but there was nothing we could do. The place just wasn’t big enough. Please understand,’ his father had pleaded. Jack had held his hand tightly. Enough had been said.

  And then, a week later, he’d passed away from another stroke. It had happened early in the morning, before the family had arrived. Being greeted by the doctor with that pained look on his face was now burnt into Jack’s memory.

  Jack rubbed his hands together again, pointless in the cold air. As he glanced around him he realised something. Fourteen years was a long time, and as much as he’d wanted it, this didn’t feel like home any more. He’d dreamed about this place for so long, kept the candle burning, and now that he was here he didn’t feel like he belonged. At first he’d thought the feeling might pass, that it was just the initial change, but he’d been home nearly two weeks, and if anything the feeling was growing stronger.

  ‘Hey, Jack. Daydreaming again?’ said Matt, his Kiwi accent strong. His brother had already grilled him about how much he sounded like an Aussie.

  ‘Yeah, just remembering the mountains.’

  Matt walked over. He was tall and stocky, and his brown hair was turning shades of grey. ‘You seem to be doing a lot of that lately. Mum thinks you’re pining.’

  Jack tucked his hands under his arms and shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I thought coming back, clearing the air with Dad and being on this farm, would fix everything. It’s all I ever wanted …’

  ‘But now you’re not so sure?’ Matt’s brow creased.

  ‘Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to be back. But what is there for me here? I know Dad left me some of the farm in his will, but realistically I don’t think it will work.’ He’d asked himself this question so many times since he’d got home. ‘Do I just live with Mum and run the farm with you, for what – three years or so, until Jamie’s eighteen?’ Jack watched his nephew in the distance over by the house, jumping on a motorbike and roaring off down the track in typical teenage fashion. He was a farm boy through and through. Jamie wanted this farm just like Jack had wanted it. He h
ad seen it in the boy’s eyes. What would Jack’s return mean for Jamie? He didn’t want Jamie to go through what he had, and this place was more Jamie’s and Matt’s than it had ever been Jack’s.

  ‘I’ve talked to Jamie,’ Jack continued. ‘He wants to work here with you and that’s the way it should stay. There’s no room here for three of us. The farm just can’t support us all. It’s not big enough.’

  ‘What’s that mean, Jack? What are you saying? You wanna go back to Oz?’

  Jack searched his heart, his mind and soul. The funny thing was, he did want to go back. He loved it in Kulin, and it startled him to realise it. He missed the barren landscapes in summer, the heat; he probably even missed the snakes, spiders and flies. And the thought of working in snow again was the pits. He missed the community, he missed Jerry and his wife’s cooking. He missed his ute and Jimbo. He missed Noah. Most of all, he missed Lara. He’d spent the last part of his life furious at being cheated out of his home, and somewhere in between then and now, it had all changed.

  ‘Look, Matt, I’ll stay here until you can find someone to help you – or maybe if you get Jamie, Mum, and the others to all pitch in, you might just manage. But we’ve all moved on, our lives have changed and I don’t belong here any more. You can have the land. Give it to Jamie. I don’t want it and I know you don’t have the money to buy it off me, so think of it as a gift for Jamie for all the birthdays and Christmases I’ve missed.’

  Matt gripped Jack’s shoulder, staring at his face as if trying to read his thoughts. ‘Jack? Are you sure?’

  ‘Matt, apart from being a kid and helping out after school, I haven’t worked this farm. I haven’t earnt it, so it feels wrong to take it. And you’re the one still looking after Mum, so just keep her well and safe.’

  ‘If you’re sure, Jackie. I’d really appreciate it and you know I’ll look after Mum. But I must confess, I’ve kinda liked working with you.’ He smiled.

  ‘Yeah, it’s been good to come back. I don’t know why I blamed you all for how things turned out. There wasn’t much any of us could do about it.’